Night had finally dragged in, cloaking Cheydinhal in darkness. Rain pummeled the roofs of houses and the streets. Nobody was outside, the night was cold and damp. Everyone was inside their homes, warming up next to a fireplace. In the south-east portion of the city was a large house, three stories high, which was owned by a Dunmer named Relyn Dranas. He wasn't old, but he wasn't young. He was quiet and rarely went out in public. People were suspicious of him, some even afraid. Nobody had ever been in his house, and what was inside was a complete mystery.

Locals claim to have seen him enter the abandoned house, which he was in for long periods of time and never seen until the next day. Relyn was a member of the Dark Brotherhood, although nobody knew. People believe there's something in his house- but there isn't anything except for a bed and a built in fireplace. Three stories of emptiness. Relyn practically did nothing in there other than sleep- other duties were done elsewhere. But since he was very quiet and was never seen in daylight, he was believed to be a vampire. Someone actually hired a vampire hunter once to investigate, but after entering the house he was never heard from again.

I knew all of these things because I was in the Dark Brotherhood with him. He was a silencer and Lucien loved him. Relyn may have been silent on the streets, but he wasn't in the sanctuary. I had talked to him much before, and learned a few things. He was from Vivec in Morrowind, and when he came here he was only a child. We actually had something in common, I was from Valenwood and migrated here as a child. We were both born in our home provinces and were both taken to Cyrodiil as children, but he was older than me. He was about ten years older than me. But, we also knew each other in our younger years.

In the middle of the rainy night, Relyn came into the Sanctuary. I arose from my bed and went to see what the problem was, and he had a copy of the Black Horse Courier. He showed it to me, anxious for me to read. I took the page from his hand and unrolled it. What I read was unbelievable. It was now illegal to worship the Night Mother and any person found guilty of being in the Dark Brotherhood would be killed. It wasn't fair, I understood the Dark Brotherhood part, but not being allowed to worship the Night Mother was unfair. They weren't allowing religious freedom in Cyrodiil, and people who worshipped to the Night Mother would leave to another province.

"Why are they banning it?" I asked.

"Citizens of Cyrodiil are summoning the Dark Brotherhood to kill people. It's wrong, but that's their problem. They don't need to ban the worship." he responded.

I sighed and collapsed on a nearby chair.

"This is the opposite of what my parents took me here for. We came here for more freedom and freedom from the government of Valenwood. Instead of moving back, we should fight back. The Legion isn't going to take us down as easily as they thought." I said.

Relyn bit his bottom lip and began thinking.

"Maybe if we take down a few of the higher ranks they'll get the idea." he suggested.

Maybe he was right. A couple of murders on the upper ranked soldiers would give the Imperial Legion the idea that we wouldn't just go down so easily. They could at least legalize the worship of the Night Mother.

"Maybe. I'll bring it up to Vicente tomorrow. I'll get him to tell Lucien, and see what the Black Hand thinks about it." I responded.

Relyn didn't reply, but I knew he understood. I returned to the barracks and dropped onto my bed, anxious for the next day.

***

I left our small wooden home and exited into the streets of Bravil. I trotted around the street, exploring the town. As I passed a two-story house, I noticed a boy sitting under the stairwell. He had dark blue-green skin and long black hair. He had torn clothes and appeared homeless. I stopped walking and went his direction. He looked up from the ground and at me. He was older than me, and most likely taller.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Why are you sitting outside?" I questioned. He fiddled with a part of his shirt and looked back at me.

"I don't have a home, and I don't know where my parents are. They've been missing for weeks." he muttered. He looked depressed and kind of dirty.

"Where are you from?" I asked, seeming to get a bit annoying.

"Morrowind.. Why do you ask so many questions?" he replied.

"I don't know, I'm just curious. I'm Relhir."

"I'm Relyn."

As he said that, my father came behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go, Relhir, it's getting late." he commanded. He walked in the direction to our new house, and I followed. I turned back at Relyn, who returned to burying his head in his arms.

***

I approached Vicente. He was in his quarters, reading a book at his table. He didn't notice me walk in the door, until I stopped directly in front of him.

"Yes, Relhir? Is something wrong?" he asked with his usual smile.

"There is. Take a look for yourself." I said, handing the issue of the Black Horse Courier to Vicente. He opened it and read the words, which seemed to surprise him.

"That's not good news. Did you have something in mind?"

"Yes, I did. After reading, Relyn suggested that the Brotherhood do a few contracts, specifically on higher ranked Legion soldiers. I need consent from the Black Hand to work on this, and you're my link to them. Do you approve?" Vicente set a marking in his book and closed it, then set it on the table.

"This is a very serious matter, and we have alot of work on our hands. I could only get approval for you, we can't just drop all other contracts." Vicente said.

"I understand.. Maybe me and Relyn can do this, just us two? We can handle this, I promise."

Criticize plox

:blink: It's only been two hours. Be patient, things don't happen that fast. I would give you a lengthy and overwhelming review right now, but sadly I have school tomorrow :cryvaultboy: Oh well, it's a half day, I'll try to take a look later. But really, don't expect reviews like "that". It's been days since anyone looked at my story, but I try to only bump with new chapters (no shame whatsoever )

Sorry, but I promise to give you a look tomorrow. Thanks for writing though :goodjob:

PS Plox is also not a word


EDIT: And do you see anyone using it here? Not a word, sorry. Go outside or read a book

Two hours is kind of long for me on the internet.

PS, plox is a word. Part of the dumb 'internet language' thing. <_<

Well I love it, (don't tease me for that Darkom95, lol). Your character is interesting, so is the storyline, well written - and I want to read more of it! Keep writing!

Well, that's just dandy. Unfortunately I can't continue until after school. Well, a couple of things the story will have is that it will go far more in character development rather than just slash and kill, slash and kill. Anyone reading will also notice that I will frequently do flashbacks to when Relyn and Relhir were kids, well sort of kids. Relhir is about eleven and Relyn is about seventeen, and when it goes present, Relhir is about twenty seven and Relyn is thirty three. Now you kind of understand the ages and whatnot, but you can kind of plan on seeing some Legion guys die, as well as the Dark Brotherhood.

I will also try working on explaining just how they got in the Dark Brotherhood, it's not like they magically appeared.

Alright well, I can immediately tell you one thing that needs improvement. "Show, don't tell" is one of my favorite mantras, and it applies here as well as anywhere else. The story reads more like a summary, a tale told by the main character to someone else, and not written down.

You tell us things like "Relyn was a member of the Dark Brotherhood, although nobody knew." Now that is no fun to read at all Stories are character driven, and are mainly focused around characterizing the protagonist while advancing towards the climix. As it is we know his history, but we don't know any of his emotions or personality. I can tell you exactly what a character looks like, but without emotional, vibrant language it is all for naught. You don't have to be fancy with it, and you shouldn't just say "He was sad". Show us through his actions, and maybe even his thoughts (things in 'these' and usually in italics. I use them a lot)

One thing many people think is that if they don't tell us all this then the story won't make sense. Well, that is completely false! Readers don't need to know everything, mystery is what keeps them interested. A story without suspense is no story at all. You can hint, insinuate, and foreshadow, but whatever you do, don't just tell us things flat out.

Another thing, the introduction is a very specific chapter of the story, that requires a different focus than others. If you've ever seen the expostition on a plot graph (the thing with the climix at the peak, then it goes down in falling action. The one you see in English class, right?), it is flat. It does not take us any closer to the climix, because it does not advance the plot. And it shouldn't! The intro is for the description of characters and the setting, not for any kind of action or story. You basically started with an infodump, then went right into the thick of rising action, with little to no suspense or description at all. It is very clear when reading that the narrator is speaking and not the kind of immersion all writers strive for.

Also, the dialogue is not entirely realistic. Dialogue should flow like a normal conversation, not like the characters are actively trying to move the plot along. All they talk about is this Black Horse Courier; no "Hey, how's it goin'!" or anything. Dialogue is one of the best things for characterization, so make sure to give each person a unique speech pattern that is right for them and most importantly believable. But then, that is a bit higher level writing skill (I've been called out on it multiple times )

Other than that it wasn't too bad, just keep practicing and reading real novels! Thanks for the story, and keep it up :goodjob:

hmmm...the story seems intriguing, however something's missing, i think you are missing what darkom said, the show and don't tell thing, the story sounds interesting enough, but i think you could have done more on the two boys, (Relhir and the orc, i'm assuming they are young children or at young adolescent), like darkom said, show the character through his actions and thoughts, not through a direct description.

PS

I can't quite understand who the main character is and how they are writing the story, i'm assuming that it is the first person character, but you seem to be putting a lot of focus on Relyn, try to give us some details on who this mysterious Relhir person is, even if it is an extract from Relhirs journal or diary, all we know is that he is part of the DB, he is likely to be a bosmer as he is from valenwood, and his family worship the night mother, could you give more details like physical features, build, characterisitics, etc. (remember, show don't tell )

The orc? Morrowind is a Dunmer province, not an Orc province. I even said he was a Dunmer and he had dark blue- green skin, not pure green. And no, they're not young, if you read the last post I said they were young in the flashbacks, not in the present setting.

But on more of what Darkom and you explained.. The one thing I really don't like is when the first post explains some about the main character(s) but not all, but even when you're not done with it, people ask for more development. All I ask is be patient, because I am not done with showing who these two are.
And the same for the show don't tell thing, it isn't really that because that's only a small portion of information. Really, I'm going to map out their entire lives over time.

Just because he is from morrowind doesn't mean he is a dunmer, just like how if someone is from valenwood, that doesn't necessarily mean they are a bosmer, i immediately thought orc because of how you said blue-green skin (reminds me of some oblivion orcs) anyway it's pretty good, i think you just need to develop things more.

Sorry about the flashbacks misunderstanding, missed that post. Anyway you seem to be off to a good start, just heed Darkom's advice and you'll be fine.

I suppose it could be confusing, but I don't know how you missed the Dunmer part.

As said earlier, Relhir is 27 and Relyn is 33.
I plan on making a pretty long flashback in the next update, should be interesting.

I don't quite understand what you are saying here. Are you telling me that you don't have to show because this is the intro? :lmao: The intro is the most important place to show them, and you should never stop. There are few places in amateur writing where it is a good idea to tell something to get through a long event more quickly. Showing is just using more descriptive langauge and less "He did this, he wanted that."

I'm not sure if you get what "Show, don't tell" means, but I can't help unless I know what you don't know. So, please ask any questions, and don't take anything anyone says as mean or flaming. We (or at least I) only want to help

And people would only ask for more development if they like the character or you said absolutely nothing about them. You have to give us a taste, and then give us the whole over the entire story. We should only come to a full understanding of them by the climix, so you're right in that you should map out their entire lives over time.

Be careful of an infodump though, no one likes those

Thanks though :goodjob:


EDIT: I believe we have both committed a grave misunderstanding, my friend. First let me say I was in no means laughing at you (curse these smileys), only at what I had thought you said. I now know that you meant all along that you were only to show the characters over time, which is a good thing to practice. What I was saying is that that is not really what "Show, don't tell" means, and not at all what I meant. I had tried to say that you should only give a little bit now and then give more as the story goes on. Just enough to seperate the characters and give some flair, then once the reader is hooked you flesh the protagonist and his friend out.

I simply had read your words incorrectly, and that is my error. Please forgive me for that, I will try to be more careful next time. May we excuse this as a miscommunication and let bygones be bygones?

No, I'm telling you I'm not done showing who they are.. It is what it says. And do you know anything called 'explain over time'? I would've just let this off, but the laughing part was extremely rude in my opinion, and it was unnecessary. I don't expect an apology, though, nor do I expect it to happen again. You kind of just pissed me off with that.

What Darkom95 is saying by 'show' - here is an example of what he means:


He walked into the room (VS) He swept into the room


That is all he is trying to explain to you when he says 'show don't tell'


The best thing to do when you get a writer of Darkom95's caliber giving free advice on how to improve: Say thank you and listen.

The man knows what he is talking about, as do most of the people that will give you a critique.

I am not qualified to give a critique, so I don't. I just say I like something or don't leave a post at all if I don't like it.

But Darkom95 - go read his works and get an idea of what he is trying to say. I hope and pray for writers of his caliber to critique me because they are offereing free advice that improves my writing tremendously.

I like your story really well and could easily get wrapped in it, so if listening to the critiques improves it I will just like it that much more.

I stared out of the window, emotionless and bored. It was late in the morning, I wasn't tired, and my parents were asleep. I felt a desire to go outside and do something, but my parents wouldn't like that at all. But, I would just come right back, so what harm would it do? I went to the other side of my bedroom and slipped on my rough leather shoes and creeped out of my room. The house was silent, and nobody would know I was gone. I opened the front door and stepped outside into the cool coastal breeze of Bravil. I started walking along the road, coming to the same place that I had found Relyn at. He was lying on a small pile of hay, asleep.

"Relyn!" I called. He tossed himself in the other direction and groaned loudly. He finally sat up and rubbed his eyes, then looked at me.

"You again? What do you want?" he asked in a tired voice.

"Get up, I want to go do something." I told.

"Do what? There's nothing to do." he responded, clearing his throat.

"I don't know, we could go outside the city gates and explore the forests." I said.

"That sounds.. That sounds exciting. Let's go, then." Relyn said, standing up. But he then paused.
"Wait, what if we get lost?"

"We won't, come on!"

I began walking into the street, and beckoned for him to follow. He caught up to me and brushed his hair forward with his hand. We approached the gate, but the guard stopped us.

"Where do you think you two are going? Aren't you a little young?" the guard questioned. I opened my mouth to speak, but Relyn put his palm on my chest and stepped forward.

"Me and my little brother are going to the stables to help out with the horses. We're related to the owner." Relyn stated.

"Oh, well okay. Don't stay out too long, things get dangerous around here for youngsters like yourselves." the guard said, opening the huge gate with a lever.

Relyn and I stepped out and crossed the rickety wooden bridge and continued onto the road. We passed the stables and entered the thick green of the forest, unknowing of the troubles ahead.

***

I crouched on the top of the house, overlooking Cheydinhal under the night sky. Cheydinhal was the most beautiful city in Cyrodiil, there was nothing like it. Unique architecture and great citizens. I let out a long sigh, releasing a visible coud of breath into the air. I turned around after hearing the sound of footsteps thudding against the roof of the abandoned house. Relyn appeared, climbing up onto the roof and sitting next to me.

"What are you doing out here? It's cold, and late. You should be resting." he said.

"I'm not tired. I was planning on doing some acrobatic excersises, but this caught my attention. Just look at Cheydinhall.." I said, gazing across the city that had been covered in snow, glistening from the light of the moon.

"I've never noticed it from so high, guess it would've caught your attention. You said you were doing acrobatic excersises? How about a race around the city? No running on the ground, just hop house to house. Maybe jump off of some other things, but don't touch the ground." Relyn suggested, pulling his hood over his head.

"Yeah.. That sounds like a plan." I said.

Relyn nodded and ran across the roof of the abandoned house and leaped to the next. He turned back to me, and I sprinted to the other end ofthe house and jumped to the next, catching up to Relyn. He went to the next, but didn't wait for me. I followed him, jumping across roofs until there were none left. But that wouldn't stop us. I threw myself from the final house across to the bridge below that went over the river, and kept going. I jumped on top of a well, and on top of other obstacles before returning to houses.
I continued the same pattern until making it back to the abandoned home above the sanctuary. Relyn made it just after me. I sat back down onto the rough planks that made the top of the house, breathing heavily from the continuous jumping.

"Relhir, what did Vicente say about us going to do contracts on the Legion?" Relyn asked, sitting back down next to me. I combed my long black hair with my fingers, trying to remember what happened earlier in the day.

"Vicente is going to tell the Black Hand about it, and if they accept, we are the only ones who can take the contracts. Other members can't drop their current contracts and start on a completely new one." I explained.

"That's not a problem, we both have the skill to do this ourselves, we don't need the others. But, I guess everything is up to the Black Hand." Relyn told. I pulled off my gloves and let my hands cool up. The sun began rising in the distance washing Cheydinhal in a dim glow. It was time to go back into the sanctuary.

"Come on, the guards will be out any second." I said, climbing my way back up and dropping off the side of the house.

I entered the sanctuary, feeling more awake than I ever had. I walked into Ocheeva's room and found her eating at her table.

"Hello, Ocheeva. Got any contracts for me?" I asked as I sat across from her.

"Of course, of course. I always have something, and I have one for you." she said, smiling, then shoveling beef into her mouth.

"Who's the person this time?" I asked, waiting for Ocheeva to finish chewing.

"This person's in our very own city, Cheydinhal. He's recently arrived and claims to be some sort of vampire hunter. Last time I checked, the only vampire in town in Vicente. We're getting kind of suspicious, so he needs to be taken in care of before something happens. Vicente never goes outside, but we can't risk it. The vampire hunter is staying in an inn, the Newlands Lodge Inn to be precise. The target is a male orc, most likely middle aged, and has black hair. His skin is a bright green-yellow, so he'll be easy to spot. I'll throw in extra gold if you don't get caught, and do it when nobody's around."

"Well then, I suppose I'm off to take care of this man." I said, waving goodbye and heading off.

***

We came out of the forest into a small clearing. There was a two-story inn, but it didn't seem like anyone was here but me and Relyn. We approached the front door and looked through the windows. It was impossible to see because the windows were clogged with dust and dirt. I opened the door and stepped in, and a foul stench entered my nose. I covered my nose and steppd back out for fresh air. I moved back inside and investigated the foyer, which was completely deserted. The furniture was broken and toppled over, and cobwebs hung over just about anything.

As I walked toward the stairs, I noticed a symbol on the wall. It was a skull with hands reaching toward in marked in red liquid. I continued walking up the stairs, but as I opened the door, I had stumbled into a room where men in black robes were dismembering a corpse and dressing the room with blood and body parts. They turned around and stared at me, before one unsheathed a knife and charged at me. Screaming, I closed the door and backed up. Relyn ran up and pushed a crate in front of the door.

The man with the blade had blown a hole in the door with his hand, and began making room for him to climb through. I started running out of the building and into the forest, with Relyn right behind me. I turned around and saw the men standing at the door, and turned back. I looked again moments later, but they were gone. I ran even faster.

"Which way did we come from?!" I shouted.

"I don't know! Just go south!" Relyn commanded.

"Which way is south?" I asked. Relyn pointed to the right of us.

I turned in that direction and continued my helpless fleeing. I could see shadows following us from the sides, and I knew we wouldn't have much time.

Could I get some form of feedback?