Again i cant sleep. These howling nights are the only refuge i get from the harsh unending wastelands. I am tired. So very, very tired. We have been trudging for days with no sign of stopping and we dont even know why. The convoy grows bigger and bigger with each and every day, we have to atleast be in the triple digits by now. What are we running from. Only he knows and only he can save you now. I hope that you all find what you are looking for but for me. This 'Great Exodus to the untouched greenlands' is over. Goodbye.
Andrew Cooper.

The tall bespectacled man stood fully erect, adjusting his glasses and flatening out his clean pressed suit. It was still grimy and full of holes but for the wasteland it was incredibly maintained. He folded the note precisely twice, placing it in his coat pocket as he walked out of the sea of tents that surrounded him. As he walked he whistled a song he heard as a child growing up in the wasteland, the name of which always escaped him but he still remembered the tune perfectly.

The sharp sound cut through the silent night as he slowly waltzed his way around the pitched tents of his fellows. Everyone tossed and turned in thier sleep as the ominous tune filled the air. Even though he was but one man the sound seemed to carry beyond the mountains and into the sky. He continued whistling for a few minutes as he stood looking down at another never ending pit of doom and despair. As time continued to pass he didnt move an inch, his whistle eventually died down to a soft hum. He repeated the song again and again in his head as the melody slowly began to die out across the landscape. The sound dissapeared and for but one second in his life. He felt at peace.

"I don't believe you... You lying scum-hole!" Yelled James.

The young boys head was in his hands as he slowly began to hear the grim tale of Andrew Cooper. His Father. The sun was now hanging in the sky. The entire convoy of 132 wastelanders had awoken to a chilling sight. Doctor Cooper, one of the most respected members of the former town of Silver star had been found lying dead on the ground with a gun in his hand and his head splashed across the landscape like a crushed melon.

"Who else could have done this James?! Tell me why and i will bow down and worship the ground you walk on! But until you do i cant do a thing!"

Walter Murphy, Chief of Convoy Security roared back at the child, slamming his fist against a scorched tree. His weathered face scowled at the boy, he wasn't a unreasonable man, and he was one of the closest people to the child now that his father was gone. Walter let out a strong stern sigh as he turned his back and walked back towards the stationary convoy. He called back to the child with a calmer caring voice.

"Look James. He wants this convoy moving within the next 15 minutes. We have to get moving soon. I'm sorry kid."

He trudged back towards the thick column of iron wagons and heat blasted men. It moaned and groaned like a dying brahmin slowly being devoured by mutated dogs, it was a cruel wretched beast that forced them to march. It was the worst kind of tyrant, the kind that made the men and women of the convoy think they were doing good by wasting their lives fleeing from the mutant threat in the east. The Tyrant's true name was never known, he was simply called Him. He had been leading them on a grueling expedition to the 'Greenland' for what seemed like eons. Every day people flocked to him, his words like a flame and the men like moths.
______________________________________________

Thought i would get a short story started to get the juices flowing once more. Critique Enjoyed.

I'm not a criticiser, sorry, but there are better people than me at it.

Here's one minor mistake,



Only one 's' in disappeared

But anyway mate, it's a great start! I've got my eye on this
Nice to see you back, I don't think we knew each other, but still it's good to have an experienced member back.

Welcome back!

I've noticed that you have quite a few missing commas and un-capitalized "i"'s. Misspelled words, such as atleast, could be fixed. These are pretty easy errors to fix with re reading and the help of Open Office so I'll leave up to you to decide whether you want to fix them or not.

Your plot seems quite intriguing, but I want to hold off until another chapter, I want to see where you take this. Here are some complications I found,




I found this part was quite confusing. I had to re read it a couple times, and I still can't grasp what was going on. Maybe it's because I'm sick, but I don't know if the "pit of doom and despair" was literally or metaphorically. Also the transition to him and James, was quite confusing and abrupt. I would try to make the transition more clear...or not. You are the write of this story after all.

Also, I don't know if this is a problem for most people, but I get extremely frustrated when I see this:



It breaks up the flow of the story for me, and I would appreciate it if you could write out the numbers. Fifteen instead of fifteen, one hundred and thirty-seven instead of 137. Maybe not the last one, but most certainly double digits. If you want to that is...

That's all I've got right now. Not much, but I believe this will help, but whether you decide to take my advice or not...

...Keep Writing :thumbsup:

The young boys head was in his hands as he slowly began to hear the grim tale of Andrew Cooper, his Father.

You meant to capitalize that F no doubt.

Also, I don;t understand who's who, and why that guy whistling was just standing there...

I'll echo Yttrium and Ant, a lot of what you wrote was good, I think I get what you were trying to say, but it was confusing. Maybe you're just knocking off some rust because I can tell that you have some skills, but you seemed to jump from POV to POV without any clear indication of WHO'S POV we were supposed to be seeing from.

I'd be very interested in reading more though.