They were supposed to protect us, but this....this was a massacre. Elder Lyons, for all her worth, was a great succesor for her father, but that damn advisor of hers, that bastard from Vault 101, made it a point to further his own agendas first. I guess you're wondering who I am and what I'm talking about. The year's 2296, and we've finally started to rebuild, Ghouls are now referred to as "Skin-Impaired, Rawmeats, and Brainies", Super-Mutants have been subdued with collars taken from the slavers, and are now used for manual labor, The Brotherhood of Steel became the official government body, and the Outcasts were welcomed back with open arms. Then Elder Lyons died, and his daughter took over, with that evil 101 Guy with her, he snaked his way into the vice presidental position, and began to be the serpent to her eve, everyone knew about what he was doing, it was obvious how immoral he was, but he had control of the Elder's Heart, and that....well, that's the most powerful weapon you can have nowadays.Riots led to Government-Sanctioned food-distribution, everyone shut up when they had to chose between their voice, or food. "Bloodpits," as we call 'um, became the best way for anyone to do anything, hell that 101 Villian always sat there watching, every match he could get to, sure, there were assasination attempts, but the guys in ACS-89 Power Armor stopped anyone who so much as stepped near the freak.

Alas, it be late, so I'll continue tomorrow/today.
I'm trying to summarize what happened in the 19-Year gap between F3 and my Story. Guess what? Just Kidding, I won't spoil anything.
Also, anyone want to do me the honors of naming the Lone Wanderer? Oh! Any Criticism or help you wish to give would be fantastic, I'm really trying to get better at my writing skills.

I believe the lone wanderer has no name, so your free to pick your own. Apart from a couple grammar mistakes which could be fixed by another read through this looks promising.

Before I even start writing on the next part, I need to ask a question. Should I edit my post to add the new part, or post it by itself?

I think you should post the next part seperately, so the other part will serve as setting the scene and my (earlier) post will make sense.

But through it all, we were fine. We were human after all, and we're tougher to kill off than radroaches, but then the war happened. There's a saying about war, "War....war never changes," and that holds up here too, dubbed the "Expansion War," or "Xpan War," The brotherhood declared war on anyone who opposed them, they even hired raiders to increase their numbers. The first target? The Commonwealth, after all, there should have been highly advanced technology there, but there wasn't, just a major Enclave base devoted to "making weapons of yore," The brotherhood sent the raiders in first, but they were blasted to bits by these huge moving fortresses the Enclave had, next up were slaves they bought from the Paradise Falls guys, the slaves had a minor victory in learning that the metal monsters didn't have very strong armor, and that a missle could blow the entire thing up. Soon after the Enclave unleashed what seemed to be guys holding bowls that could make it rain bombs, Slaves went down, the brotherhood sent in the Muties and Rawmeats, the Muties proved to be idiotic enough just to get to the bomb-throwers, while the Ghouls....it wasn't their lucky day. The Enclave general there pleaded for his life, saying that the rest of the Enclave forces stopped communicating with them, and that he'll give Sentinel Crux (The general of the main forces of the Brotherhood) some weapons and even let him use the Commonwealth for a base, Crux agreed, and soon the Brotherhood became an unstoppable war machine, but then they moved their sights on the southern states, who had actually unifed into the C.A.*, and had a formidable army themselves, and had terrain to their advantage, but that was until the Brotherhood unleashed the "Leviathan" Unit, and the C.A. had to step up their game.


Sorry for the font change, the last one seemed a bit small.
I hope you guys know what th "Moving Fortresses" and "Bowls that make it rain bombs" are.
Also, after maybe the fifth post, I'll start work on a glossary of terms I've made for the story.
C.A. = Confederate Alliance.

Leviathan Troops...those guys were nasty, their StL* Power Armor was a disaster for the CA, who relied on a small navy and the marshes and lakes of the south to impede the Brotherhood, but those Leviathans completely wrecked the CA's forces, forcing them to hide in central Florida. Of course that didn't last long, and the Brotherhood soon either killed them, or chased them off the States. So Commonwealth, Florida, next up was the Midwest, including the other Brotherhood and Enclave forces. Enclave fell first, thanks to their scattered forces and a treaty between the two Brotherhoods (The Capital Wasteland Brotherhood changed it's name to "The Capital Brotherhood" during the attack on the Commonwealth)Of course the treaty only lasted until the Enclave was gone, then the Capital Brotherhood began using any open Vaults they could find as bases, even finding service tunnels that connected them incase of a radiation leak. With the Capital Brotherhood dominating the states now, any state unaffected began to do the same as the South, forming a Union, and joining forces with the Midwest Brotherhood, sadly, this proved futile against the Capital Brotherhood's superior technology, and they soon gained control of the Midwest, next up? The Northeastern Union, and what the Capital Brotherhood would find there would make them invincible.

StL Power Armor = Sea to Land Power Armor Model 126, First Aquatic model ever made, also had tough sheets of melted tin, to protect against animals.

Decided to leave you guys with a cliffhanger this time.
If anybody thinks I should add/edit anything in the story, just tell me here, or PM me.
I may be late on my next post.

Here's my opinion.
First, please increase your font size a little more.
Second, for god's sake, break up your text into easier to read paragraphs! People want to read your story but you're making them work too hard. That is never good for any writer.
Third, A 'glossary of terms' is a turn off for me. It makes me feel that your 'version' of events is inaccessible, because now I have to relearn a world that's already been established. I don't want to get that invested into a work of Fan-Fic. But maybe that's just me.
Fourth,I don't know what "bowls that make it rain are". could you explain it in text? ( not in the glossary) You don't want your reader to have to look this up, because then they are leaving your story to look at something else.

I always want to encourage people to keep writing. You have some good concepts, like the slave collars on the super mutants, the evil vault 101 character being too close to Sarah Lyons and the power structure, the fact that your telling this story from the point of view OUTSIDE of the vault 101 character is fresh and interesting. So I say good job, keep going, and lets see where you take this. :thumbsup:

Thanks for your opinion ^_^
I'm always worried that the font would be too big, so I don't touch the sizes much.
I'll try, I'm not much of a writer, so I'm not very good with paragraphs, too much not using them. :/
The glossary is optional, if nobody wants it, then hey, I'll just say what terms mean when I make 'um.
Mortars.

With my story, I'm trying to have people read the story, and now it's not Fallout 3, but see something and go, "Oh hey, that reminds me."

Ok, kind of like "what happened after' story, that's fine. I think you're doing a good job,you just want to make it easier for people to read your story. All I'm trying to say is you want to keep the story as simple as possible, while expanding on your ideas.(and you have good ideas) The mortar thing confused me because I personally don't know everything there is to know about the Fallout universe,and I didn't know if it was a reference to an earlier game or New Vegas or what. If this were an original story (meaning not based on an established universe), your cryptic description of a mortar might work, but here you don't want to confuse anybody with 'crafty' descriptions because it's so easy to confound. The FO universe is a big one.

I just wanted to give a little more of an explanation, sometimes it helps to know WHY suggestions are given. :mellow:

The now unified Brotherhood soon began amassing forces around the Northern Union's territories, having an army that dwarfed the NU's, they sent "Civilian Soldiers," people who are allowed to explore the land before any kind of battle begins, into Washington, and found one of the deadliest resources ever used by man. Uranium, and a hell of a lot of it.

You know how the explosion from gunpowder propels a bullet forward? Well the Brotherhood turned Uranium into a highly-powerful powder that not only propels the bullet faster, they had to build tougher weapons just to withstand it, even powering their tanks with it, the Brotherhood became less of an army and more of a killing machine. The Union didn't stand a chance against them, so they quickly retreated into Canada, the Brotherhood now controlled almost all of North America, and were making it's move to attack Canada when the United Russian Coalition landed in Alaska, with their terrifying "Dreadnaught Troopers," Ten-foot-tall monsters wielding weapons capable of splitting a vault door in half, needless to say, the URC quickly destroyed the Union soldiers living in Canada. Only through sheer numbers did the Brotherhood beat off the russian's offensive, launching a daring one themselves, this would later be called "The Red-White Strike."

I would have made it longer, but it's REAL late here.

Also, I didn't know if you guys would like it if I had described the Dreadnaught Trooper's gun or not, but what it escentially(sp?) does is use electricity to fire explosive rounds, the gun can produce more electricity from the kinetic force from the last shot, so the gun is it's own power generator, I call it the Arc Rail Gun.

Is this the end of the Prologue? I think showing not telling will work best for the URC guns.

You have some good names, but writing style and structure could be improved.

You should also explain the "Moving Fortresses" and "Bowls that make it rain bombs" for people who don't know, like you did here:

C.A. = Confederate Alliance.

Also, you should put an asteris * next to any term that needs a glossary.

Think thats it.

Very good keep it up

Glad you took my advice. Now when I read I can just glance down at the bottom whenever I see an asterisk.

I also notice that what you are trying to produce, is past your expertise, which is the real reason so many people don't understand. You are trying to generate over 19 years of history without the actually experience or capability so to speak.

I mean you are capable, because your doing it, but to make it easier for us readers, make it longer and more descriptive. Slow down and really explain everything. That way we're not all like:

:confused: <_< :mellow:

mmkay?

Also, don't use time as a crutch, because you could have posted at another time. Look at mines, even when it was late, I still started and completely finished a post with full effort. As a matter of fact I used that time crutch before in the past, but will no longer do so.

Don't you mean

"Momento of an Observer"?

A Observer makes no sense, as two vowels sounds cannot be together like that.

Just like, "Joe was a excellent mathematician." can't be correct grammar.

it would be

"Joe was AN excellent mathematician."

This story is pretty cool!