Fallout Legends

Episode 1: Run Slave Run


Note: The following contains some graphic scenes.


War, War never changes. Since the early days of man, war has been the solution to all of the countries problems. If it was to do with policies or with slaves. In the years after World War II, war was the only way to get resources. Then came World War III. In those two hours of war, most of the planet had been left to die. Luckily, before the war, the government put up vaults leading to the chaos the was in 2077. When the Vaults reopened, the people had nothing more then the horrors of the wastes before them. War, War never Changes.


Two years after the events of Fallout 3

The Water of the wastes was finally starting to become clean again. The Lone wonderer had followed in his father’s footsteps and did his mission. It is in Paradise falls where our story begins. Where our hero, Jonas is being sold to Slavers.

“How Much?” Asked the Paradise Falls Slaver at the top of his voice.

“One Hundred and Fifty Caps” the Waste Slaver replied, holding a gun to Jonas’s head.

“That’s too much for this piece of s**t” the paradise Slaver replied pulling out his gun and shooting the Slaver in the head.

“Why did you just do that to him?” Jonas asked, shaking.

“Never question what I do!” the Slaver evilly smiled.

At that moment, another three slaver appeared and a shoot up had began. The Paradise Slavers versus the Slavers of the Wastes. It was obvious who would win, but Jonas didn’t want to wait. So he sprinted as fast as he could and didn’t stop.


Jonas had been running for the best part of a day. He stopped to catch his breath. As he did so, he heard footsteps. He couldn’t run again so he saw a big rock and hid behind it.

There were two men, a brown haired Caucasian in a red suit and a tall person with a long brown coat on that hid his face. Jonas could see that they were talking but he didn’t know what they were saying. He could tell that the person in the brown coat was a man. He waited behind the rock for about ten minutes when the brown coated man took a gun from his coat pocket. Jonas saw that the man had a scar on his wrist. Then he shot the brown haired person in the head and walked off. The man was laying on the floor, his brains spattered on the floor. Jonas nearly threw up. He saw that the man was carrying a gun so he decided to pick it up.


Jonas had been walking for about two hours now and stopped once he arrived Rivet City. He looked up and said to himself “Home Sweet Home”


Meanwhile, at Vault 101

The Vault was empty, the only thing that was there were the Mole Rats and the amount of dead bodies there were, filling up the Vault corridors. Whatever did this wasn’t human. At the Vault doors stood the Lone Wonderer, horrified at what he had just seen. He saw Amata’s body. He ran over to it. Whoever did this was going to die, in the most painful way possible…


What will the Lone Wonderer do?

What happens next to Jonas?

Who is the mysterious man?

Find out in Part Two: Welcome Home

Let me review this for you.

1. Proper grammar and spacing. I can't stress this enough.
2. All of the events take place WAY too fast. My fan-fic may be fast paced, but one day was detailed enough to provide decent information to the reader on WHAT happened.

See, this is what I'd like to compare.

The Water of the wastes was finally starting to become clean again. The Lone wonderer had followed in his father’s footsteps and did his mission. It is in Paradise falls where our story begins. Where our hero, Jonas is being sold to Slavers.

“How Much?” Asked the Paradise Falls Slaver at the top of his voice.

“One Hundred and Fifty Caps” the Waste Slaver replied, holding a gun to Jonas’s head.

“That’s too much for this piece of s**t” the paradise Slaver replied pulling out his gun and shooting the Slaver in the head.

“Why did you just do that to him?” Jonas asked, shaking.

“Never question what I do!” the Slaver evilly smiled.

At that moment, another three slaver appeared and a shoot up had began. The Paradise Slavers versus the Slavers of the Wastes. It was obvious who would win, but Jonas didn’t want to wait. So he sprinted as fast as he could and didn’t stop.


Jonas had been running for the best part of a day. He stopped to catch his breath. As he did so, he heard footsteps. He couldn’t run again so he saw a big rock and hid behind it.

See, what happened here is that you skipped past a days worth of events. What did Jonas do while on the run? What was the shootout like? Intense, mild, or a few idiots squabbling over Jonas? You need to detail the day and event like an orchestra conductor. Perhaps maybe not at that skill, but some level of depth would do a great service, and in time, you can become a great addition to the fan-fiction section. For now, though, I suggest you review the plot and try and make a detailed line of events that you want to occur in tandem with another characters storyline. When you make the next chapter, I will provide input. Nothing bad, just remember to make things mesh right.

Hope to see more, Quantum.

Hey, this is pretty good, Millim. You have nice spacing, makes it very easy to read. Here's what I would do though:

1) Slow down. The biggest crack in this gem is that you make events happen to fast. In fact I could see you making this in two chapters.




Okay, so this what you have. Let's expand on it, when you writing you want the reader to be immersed in your world. If you have shootouts happening and disappearing in two sentences and then switch locations a second later, the reader won't be able to get into the story.

The opening dialogue seems fine at first, besides randomly capitalizing Slaver and the not. My advice, just leave it lowercase or uppercase, not both. You could add some blood and guts description to the first shot, but problems start happening here:



First of all add "s" to slaver when there's more than one. We the reader have no idea who those three slavers are, Paradise or Wastes? Secondly, no matter who they are, we have no idea how many both sides have. Making it impossible to know who would win. At first I thought it was just one Paradise and one Waste, but after re reading a couple times, evidence points to an auction going on, indicating a multiple on both sides.

So go back and add some detail, describe the auction.

"How Much?” Asked the Paradise Falls Slaver at the top of his voice. He stood on a raised platform, holding Jonas by the neck. In front of him were a group of some fifteen Wasteland Slavers, eager to buy some more labor.

“One Hundred and Fifty Caps," a Wasteland Slaver walked up to the front, he had an arrogant air about him as he walked up onto the platform. He smiled at the way too low bargain, and drew his gun. Placing the gun at Jonas's temple he leaned forward into the Paradise Slavers face, confident he had the upper hand.

“That’s too much for this piece of s**t” the Paradise Slaver responded while simultaneously drawing his gun. In a blur he had in the face of one very surprised Slaver, he pulled the trigger. Blood, bone, hair, and bits of brain splashed Jonas, cover his face and chest. It felt warm and sticky, and tasted like rusty metal.

Bam. More description, double the length. Do the same for the shootout, detail. Expand on it, make Jonas escaping the first chapter. The second or half the second one being Jonas traveling to Rivet City.

***Some Thing I Would Change***
-
Your implying saw it only because he couldn't run. Change it to "noticing a big rock..."
-Wasteland Slavers->Traders.
It gets way to confusing.
- Wonderer-> Wanderer.
Wonderer is a word, but it doesn't work here.
-Random capitalization
I do this too, just re read, you'll find them

That's all I got. I'm interested to were you take this, could be epic. Just keep writing!

The only critisism I can say is try to judge distance from the game if you're using locations from the game. Paradise Falls is in the northeast portion of DC. Rivet City South west. Not two hous, probably two day's walk. One if non-stop...Otherwise I like it, keep going!