Revoloution Is Near Pt.1


My name......heh all you need to call me is Rogue. I am a member of The Red Savages, a rebel group posted throughout all of California, D.C, The Pitt, and other areas unknown. I had a mission to break out of the Pitt, free my friend who is currently enslaved in Paradise Falls for attacking the BoS and being affiliated with us, and most importantly kill Ashur.

Why? I notice alot of passerbys ask us our reason for these acts of insurgency. See it all started when Ashur had me chained to a Generator in the Steelyard and left to die under the hand of wildmen or trogs.

How I survived? A few members of the savages saw a billboard of me say this it what happens to traitors.

Right now I am sitting in an Uptown warehouse and having a meeting with the group. Pretty much all 126 of us made it to the meet except for the deceased, the lost and the ones who went crazy or got arrested. I stood against the garage door with the other 7 guards while wielding a Infiltrator and a concealed Stabhappy. Our leader, Marcus Black was giving a speech about how we were gonna get inside the Haven and what would happen next. A sqaud of us would have to go Underground and turn off the power supply and while in Blackout we will march toward the haven and another Squad or Company would go inside the building and find ashur, the rest of us will defend the others and important objective buidlings in the vincinity.

One of our members attended Roosevelt academy. He said alot of ammunition and other things of use were there and we can steal the equipment from there to use on our final "Checkpoint".

I expect our conquest to end blood and brutally while leaving a massive dent in the [censored] up society we live in today. We are not going around to every known and unknown city destorying things but rather we are going to certain areas, finding key items or people and then we are heading for a Hidden vault that has the most dead and slaves there than any known city.


Alot of us should fear for our lives becuase jugding by the assignments we are given daily these look like suicide missions.

Example:

1. Search and kill any Wildmen in the vicinity.
2. Find Webnur( Webnur is the leader of a merc party searching us named The Crows.
3. Find the Book of Assassination.( Webnurs most valued and lost book said to be somewhere in the city.

I'm not sure what is so important about this hidden Vault by the way. I have heard that the Old California Republic survivors are trying to find it too! Our station= Radio Liberty has been up to tops with interesting news.

Marcus stopped talking and left the building. He sat in the back of his Highwayman and 4 other party members got in the car and drove off.

*note: Marcus has no relationship to Marcus of Fallout 2/ Any concerns?*

Is this a RP of Fanfic?

Nope, this is just a fanfic story why? Oh and does this story make more since than the other story?

It's just the way you had it laid out that confused me, anyway...Which story? You have a few, but I'm taking you meant the Settlement. If so, then I would stick the Settlement, but if you want to keep going with this one, then I'll try to offer some of my criticism.

What settlement? You mean OCR?

EDIT: I am aboutr to rewrite this entire story, instead its about the Mafia, the Red savages and another group all from there viewpoints and I will make up locations but still keep Paradise Falls and The other mention areas involved.

Sorry, little slip with people. I'm terrible with the name game, so your going to rewrite it huh? I'll hold the constructive criticism then.

Edit: Far too many words.

Well no, the layout of it is gonna be different

I'd like to suggest that you either stick with the West Coast or the East Coast rather than try to use both.

Ill stick with the East and get this new chapter tomorrow.

Darkness fall......


In the past week alot of bad things have been happening. Ashur has wire tapped mostly every form of communication we have, our men are being arrested, killed and or slaved. It makes no since on how things can go from Great to Worst when we are on the verge of killing Ashur and breaking out of the Pitt. Most of the Pitt's "sane" population are against us now, but only becuase of what propaganda has showed them. They believe we are literally savages and do nothing but kill and rob towns. In Reality we have never robbed anyone and we have only killed the ones foolish enough to attack.

I walked into a dark alleyway and turned left. I felt on a hard rusted door and opened it. The old man who owned this pub was having a drink and re-loading his shotgun. The man's name was Herpel Grindal, he has helped the Savages very much and I thnak him for it. He always has his ear to the streets and keep us updated when he think something important is going to happen.

Herpel: *Cough* There is a holotape under the counter, get it but don't open it.

Rogue: Who is it from?

Herpel: That is not for you to know.....Marcus will know who it is thoough.

Rogue: So is it someone from Ashur's secret army or something?

Herpel: Look boy! Your asking too many questions! I can't tell you much....it is from the Enclave*said in a hushed tone*

Rogue: Yes sir but.....

Herpel put his hand over my mouth and told me to grab the revolver off the counter and get behind the bar. A few shadows was walking by, one stopped and pointed at the door. I couldn't really see all that was happening since the curtain was over the very very rusted and dirty window. A man kicked down the door and told Herpel that he was under arrest. Herpel laughed and stayed in his chair while drinking a class of water.

The man in charge had all the men aim at Herpel and just when they was about to fire I quickly fired a shots into the men, Herpel popped his shotgun so quickly at the Officer that was in front of him that he almost flew backwards.

Herpel ordered me to get to his safehouse somewhere further in the darker part of town and said he will meet me there. I was unsure how true this was but I obeyed and immediately ran.

Next chapter, Isolating the Masses

....boring a bit?

I didn't even realize you made an update, know then...

This is a little bland, not much description. Misspelled words, comas needed, words capitalized when they have no right to be so, and the dialogue that resembles that of a script when this is no screenplay.

For example:


From left to right:

1.) alot= a lot. Remember the space.

2.) and or= and/or. The forward slash acts like an "or" and gets rid of the awkwardness.

3.) Great to Worst= great to worst. You make thing you should, but don't capitalize them. Also, it would be better to read good to bad/ great to terrible because worst implies that things were bad before, but they were great before, following?

4.)becuase=because. Simple mistake, I assume you have a program with spell check, no?

5.) Reality=reality.


Five errors in your first paragraph and being just grammatical, is usually a bad sign. Be sure to keep an eye out for those in the future. Onto the detail...

I walked into a dark alleyway and turned left. I felt on a hard rusted door and opened it. The old man who owned this pub was having a drink and re-loading his shotgun. The man's name was Herpel Grindal, he has helped the Savages very much and I thnak him for it. He always has his ear to the streets and keep us updated when he think something important is going to happen.

I'm going to take this and try to add what I think is sufficient detail.

The moon was a glowing orb shrouded by clouds when I walked down the alleyway. The alleyway was dark enough for me to see only the hand in front of me, and just barely. I felt along the worn-brick wall for a rusted door that I knew must be there, the handle was cooler than the frigid air. The pub on the other side was noticeably warmer. An old man, pale and shriveled, sat drinking while re-loading his shotgun.

Herpal Grindal.

The man was a valuable friend of the Savages, his help has been great and I thank him for that. Keeping his ear to the street, he gave information that has saved our necks on more than one occasion.

Increased length and more information! It may have not been the best example, but you should add detail more often. Remember to get rid of the script like dialogue and add quotation marks, instead of putting *cough* add "he coughed" to the end of the sentence. That's all I've got, keep it up man .:thumbsup:

Something Strange pt.1.......

Rogue swiftly jolted towards the safehouse. Rogue had always wondered why Herpal stayed on the seedier part of town when he had enough funds to live a more lavish life. If you really think about it though, its easier to catch people isolated from crowds and living in huge homes than people constantly surrounded. Rogue entered a red brick building, that stood out the most than the other buildings in the vicinity, mainly becuase it was built like a bomb shelter and it was red....


Looking behind himself to make sure he wasn't followed, Rogue quickly slid inside and found Herpal already there strangely. This whole scene seemed strange. Herpal coughed heavily and looked at the mirror, noticing a suspicous character creeping in the dead of night.

He constantly glanced at his watch and at Rogue and then finally said something.

Herpal mummured to himself as he looke for a rough looking map showing all the underground circuits leading to a bombed out lab holding some valuable weaponry and information. The only problem was that radiation particles was filled to tops with bad atoms. Just sticking your hand down there could instantly drop you like a fly. Rogue stood up and headed for a guest room Herpal said he could rest at.

Herpal waited in his old chair with a gun again and started singing a classic song. Something about just being an soul who is misunderstood. Herpal was in great grieve these past few night so it was hard on him living in The Pitt. Pretty soon we would be on our way to a nice enjoyable Capital Wasteland settlement.

How about now? Did I do it right this time? I Have to get out of the Saints Row writing set as all.

....

Thank you for all your support everyone.

How did I do.