Vedran was a male Dunmer who resided in The Drunken Dragon Inn, he worked there as a story teller to charm all the guests that came to The Drunken Dragon Inn and to spread it's reputation across of Cyrodiil. Even though Vedran had a good life doing this it was not what he wanted, he had always wanted to become a warrior who would fight for Cyrodiil in it's darkest time to ensure safety within his home, but unfortunately he did not get this. Born to peasants Vedran was never treated good and was not treated to the love he needed from his parents because they were to busy working to make just enough Septims to pass by and even that was barley enough. When Vedran was finally out of his house in the Imperial City water front he explored all of the cities in Cyrodiil and experienced many different things that he wrote in a journal, this journal soon became a story book for him and he would read these to himself every night to relive these great, frighting memories. But all of this travel was making an impact in Vedran's money and he was left with nothing, just his book and the clothes on his back, desperately the Dunmer found himself a job at The Drunken Dragon Inn working for Andreas Draconis as the resident bard and that is were our story takes place.

The Drunken Dragon Inn, Cyrodiil, 4E 1

"Vedran, your shift is over you can head to bed now just be sure to be up early tomorrow I have a feeling it might be busy!" Andreas said.
"Ah I hope your right that means more coin for me!" Vedran joked.
"More coin for the both of us my friend, for the both of us" Andreas replied.
"Um yeah the both of us!" Vedran joked yet again.
"Enough with the jokes off to bed you need to be one hundred percent tommorow or else!" Andreas said.

Vedran smirked and walked up the stairs and into the private room, which of course was his. There was a bed in the corner a desk with his journal on it and random clothes and books scattered across the room. Vedran sat in his desk and began to write in his journal, he had two journal's one for his thoughts and one for his stories. Vedran wrote down many thoughts about the new barmaid that had just came to the Inn, she too was a Dunmer and an attractive one at that. After finishing the log in his journal Vedran went to his bed and fell asleep.

Press Enter to space after each dialogue. Use commas if you put the dialogue first then who said it. Show don't tell.

I agree with Zalphon. I couldn't even read the entire story without feeling my eyes cross. Listen, Josh. I know you liked to go through topics like mad on the Fallout forums, but please don't do that here. People will see your name beside each rp or fanfic and completely ignore it. The story itself is rather interesting. I hope you plan on writing more.

As for critique -- I don't feel I've earned the right to as I haven't read the entire story yet.

Dren has a point my friend. Josh here, you get criticized, HARSHLY, this isn't flaming FO forums, but someone who is good there and someone who is good here are too completely different goods.

I just read the story. You show moments of repeated redundancy. You need to break your sentences down with more periods. Comma's symbolize a break in thought or speech. Periods symbolize a break in an entire statement.

For example:

After a hard day of working I went to the movies, it was great.

The errors in this statement:

After a hard day of working,(To show the break in speech) I went to the movies. (The I in it should be capitalized to show the beginning of a new statement to be made.) It was great. (If you wanted to put empasis on how great the movies were you could put an exclamation mark instead of a period. This will imply enthusiasm.)

Morning came and Vedran awoke from his sleep, he looked out the window to see people entering the Inn which was good for once, usually people never came to the Drunken Dragon. Vedran went down stairs and was greeted by Andreas.

"Welcome to the Inn everyone would you like a glass of wine!" Andreas said to the guests who were coming into the Inn.

"Sure I'll have one, how much is it?" One of the men asked.

"Three Septims for a glass of wine, Ten for the bottle" Andreas said.

"Give me the bottle then, I'm in a good mood!" The man said.

Vedran chuckled at the conversation even though it was not funny, Vedran sat in a chair in the corner and opened a chest beside it, inside was his Journal of stories and his Lute.

Vedran cleared his throat before speaking "Would anyone like to hear a true tale of danger, action, and suspense!" He asked the people in the Inn.

"I for one would love to hear a tale please intrige me!" A male Altmer spoke.

Vedran told the story while strumming his Lute, the many people who were in the Inn were on the edge of there seats waiting to hear what would happen next but before they could Vedran stopped strumming the Lute and looked to the people.

"I'm sorry but in order for me to continue the story your going to have to buy more drinks!" Vedran said.

"Well then.........LET'S BUY SOME DRINKS!" one of the men spoke in enthusiasm.

Vedran looked towards Andreas and smiled, Andreas smiled back and served the customers.

SHOW; DO NOT TELL. We want description, how'd it smell, how'd it look, how good was the bard, was he singing? Were the patrons laughing, talking, cheering? Was there a fight? Less dialogue, more description I recommend more than just "said," "asked," and "spoke."

The people in the Inn bought more drinks and returned to Vedran for the next part of his tale, Vedran began to strum his Lute and finish his story up. All of the citizens in the Inn were on the edge of there seats yet again as Vedran told his tale, it was neer the end and the people were craving more of the story and when Vedran finished they all stood up and clapped there hands.

"Bravo, that was a great story!" The Altmer said.

"Thank you sir, if you liked this story come back tommorow for an even more action packed tale of an Orc named Merg gro-Grahz!" Vedran said.

"I sure will!" The Altmer responded.

Vedran walked over to Andreas, "Andreas, may I get my pay early today I want to visit my parents in the Imperial City but I do not have enough right now, but with that payment I will be able to" Vedran said.

"Alright fine but be back tommorow the people want to hear about that Orc no dout!" Andreas said.

"I will Andreas and yet again thank you" Vedran said.

Andreas handed him a sack that contained three hundred Septims, Vedran thanked him once again and left the Inn, Vedran went to the stable outside of the Inn and took his Horse "Drow" out. Vedran mounted the Horse and started his travel.

Three Hours Later....

Vedran was strolling through the woods on his trusty Horse Drow, luckily they did not run into Bandit's or Wolves or else they would be in trouble because Vedran was unarmed and only knew the basics of how to weild a sword let alone kill someone or something with it, but there luck was about to run out. Vedran continued his ride and heard someone in the distance chanting strange words.

"What the?" Vedran said out loud.

"Who dares disturb me!" The man said.

"Were are you? Who are you?" Vedran asked in a worried tone.

"My name is of no importance to you and I am infront of you!" The man said.

"What but your-" Vedran said before being cut off from the man appearing right in front of him.

"Do not ask just leave these forests are to dangerous for people like you anyways" The man said.

"But I have to get to the Imperial City and this way is fastest!" Vedran said.

"Fine then take this sword!" The man said, he took a Silver Shortsword from his back and handed it to Vedran.

"Thank you I'll be off now!" Vedran said.

Vedran took off on his Horse and continued his journey to the Imperial City, but was still wondering who that old man was?

SHOW; DO NOT TELL. We want description, how'd it smell, how'd it look, how good was the bard, was he singing? Were the patrons laughing, talking, cheering? Was there a fight? Less dialogue, more description I recommend more than just "said," "asked," and "spoke."

This Again ^^

Vedran had continued on through the forest now armed with a sword and feeling safer even though he still would most likley not be able to defend himself fully with it but it was good enough, for now. It was getting darker and darker every hour and Vedran was getting no were he slowly started to wonder why he had not been out of the woods yet, last time he went this way it took him an hour? Maybe it was that strange mage he meet a while back maybe he cast a spell on Vedran's Horse so he would never be able to leave the forest on his horse! But those were wild thoughts that were running through his mind and he quickly discarded them.

"It's getting dark Drow and we still have not made it to the Imperial City!" Vedran said to his Horse, of course the Horse did not respond and Vedran realized that the horse would have no idea what he was saying and the realization of this made him chuckle a bit. They continued on through the woods and they saw a bright flaming light in the distance more then likley a torch, so they went over to the source of the light in hopes of getting some directions or help.

They found a old guard patroling the woods on his Horse with a Torch in hand, "What are you doing out in the woods so late?" The guard asked.

"I am trying to get to the Imperial City would you be able to direct me in the right direction?" Vedran asked.

"The Imperial City?" The guard said puzzled.

"Yes the Imperial City, you have never heard of it?" Vedran said shocked.

"No, no I have not why is it well known?" The guard asked.

"WELL KNOWN?! The Imperial City is the home of the Emporer! How could you not know this!" Vedran said, he was blown out of his mind how could this man not know this? Was he even from Cyrodiil even if he was not he must of surley heard of the Imperial City!

"How dare you attack me! You will die!" The guard yelled.

"What I have not done such a thi-" Vedran said before being smacked in the side of the head with a mace, Vedran fell off the Horse and collapsed to the ground, Drow ran off into the distance and the guard picked up Vedran and walked deeper into the woods.

When we tell a story in third person about our characters, we try to avoid using our characters name at the beginning of each sentence. Try using he, they, them, she, her. Also, break your texts into smaller chunks for easier reading.

Hmm well I am really just telling this story from one persons perspective which is why I did that but it was not first person but I will try to do that thanks!

Vedran awoke in a cellar having know idea were he was, all he remembered was being attacked by that crazy guard in the woods. But he still wondered why? Why did that man attack him he must have been insane or a bandit undercover but time would soon tell.
"Get up you damn Dunmer!" The guard yelled.
"What's wrong with you? Why did you attack me who are you!" Vedran demanded to know.
"I am Mordecai leader of the Grey Tooth Bandit tribe and you were in my forest and I know you were with that damn mage out in my woods so I disguised myself as one of them guards to get you!" Mordecai said.
"But I have nothing to do with the mage all he did was help me out please you have to believe me!" Vedran pleaded.
"I am sorry but I do not believe you I know you have relations with that mage I know it!" Mordecai said.
Suddenly loud screams of terror came from another room in the cellar, Mordecai ran into the room and saw the mage obliterating his fellow Bandits, Mordecai took a sliver long sword from his back and swung at the Mages neck, the mage jumped back but the blade still cut his neck. Mordecai saw the mage creating a fire ball so he ran up the stairs and out of the cellar leaving his bandits behind. The mage then ran to the room Vedran was in but he was gone.