Reign and Resistance

Post » Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:45 pm

NOTE: I know its been a while, but I think I can keep this up. Wish me luck!

Friday, May 16th, 2278 - 1100 hours

There she is...

Colonel Autumn already had his pistol out and was shooting as the mass of innocent wastelanders, purposely not shooting Rose. He wanted to savor the death...or maybe he actually didn’t want to do it. His van approached the group and the border, then overtook the large group and stopped at the border line. All of the Enclave troops filed out of the truck with their arsenal of weapons, firing a barrage of lasers, plasma, lead, and fire. he saw Rose among them, she slowed her speed as her eyes met his. Then she pulled out her rifle from her back and began to shoot. Autumn’s pistol was in fact aimed at her, but he didn’t shoot. He couldn’t shoot, which surprisingly, didn’t surprise him. Then in mid aim, her arms flung into the air as her shirt erupted with green plasma, she fell instantly to the ground, her torso now a mass of green. There wasn’t any blood to be seen, except one trickle down the side of her mouth.

The Colonel could not speak. The only thing he could do was walk back to his truck and watch the massacre, staring at his weapon. He watched as the last dozen living escapees fled the border as soldiers ran up to him. “Orders sir? Do we catch them.”

The Colonel looked up at them, they seemed so monstrous in their malevolent armer. He wondered how soldiers like them could kill so many and sleep at night. They were monsters, they all were. Even without the armor, he was no better.

“Let them leave. Those who escaped have earned their freedom. Likely that they won’t make it out there anyway. Regroup , fall back to Raven Rock.”

“Affirmative.” The soldier said before jogging back into the truck, followed my the team. Soon, everyone was ready to leave, and after a quick gesture from Autumn they left without him. He sat there for a long time before starting the engine and pulling off in the direction of his base, looking for one last time at the pile of goo that used to be his daughter. As he left her remains in his dust trail, heading towards the bright reddening sunset, a single tear fell from his cheeks, but only one.
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Dragonz Dancer
 
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Post » Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:08 pm

What if the Lone Wanderer never Existed?
What if the Enclave destroyed the Brotherhood?
What if the Enclave took control of D.C?


By year 2278, America was under the reign of the Enclave. Their prowess was far too much for the Brotherhood, and they were eliminated. Super Mutants were enslaved and forced to work for the Enclaves as brutes, while raiders and slavers were either captured and drafted, or killed off. Some fled D.C., the others who remained ran for the Museum of History, a.k.a. Underworld, where we still cower to this day. But the doors weren’t enough to keep them away, so we went underground, to the tunnels, were we were finally forgotten.

But where one danger subsided, another emerged. Once underground, we had to fend off the dangers of ferals, mutants, mirelurks, and even deathclaws.

While we were below, above the Enclave were making moves. They took siege of the White House, eradicating any mutant threat, and posted guards all around the city to make sure no threat was possible. As time passed, all other connections were destroyed, and more and more fled underground. They destroyed GNR, disabled all vaults. Megaton, Tenpenny Tower, Rivet City, were all swept through.

Now there are two sides. There are the Enclave, a massive beast that rules everything above ground, then there are the Damned, the group of derelict misfits, all too weak to name themselves the resistance. All they did was survive for scraps that we find, and attempt to defend ourselves from the terrors that also lurk in the dark, dank, underworld.

Then, something happened, one man rose from our little settlement and appointed himself leader. That same man was that man that single-handedly led us above ground, through D.C., and past it. Past the Pitt That man’s name was Calvin Cowell.

Now, the year is 2280, we now reside above ground in New York city. We have been accepted and welcomed by our fellow residents, and now I am proud to say that we have a Resistance. We call ourselves the Risen, and just like my father has saved us once, I plan to make sure he didn’t die for nothing. For I heard that the Enclave are headed up North, and when they get here, I will be ready.



How does that sound, or would it sound better as an RP?

It's a good stage setter; I think you could really do something with it. Although, I'm no expert in typed role-play, so IDK about that part.


Some fled D.C., the others who remained ran for the Museum of History, a.k.a. Underworld, where we still cower to this day. But the doors weren’t enough to keep them away, so we went underground, to the tunnels, were we were finally forgotten.

There's an accidental rhyme in those two lines...You may not care, but that kind of thing always bothers me. Just letting you know it's there.

While we were below, above the Enclave were making moves. They took siege of the White House, eradicating any mutant threat, and posted guards all around the city to make sure no threat was possible. As time passed, all other connections were destroyed, and more and more fled underground. They destroyed GNR, disabled all vaults. Megaton, Tenpenny Tower, Rivet City, were all swept through.

The wording here could be polished a bit. I would remove the first "and" from "...and more and more fled underground." just to have a better flow. It's all up to you, it being your creation, but that sounds a little smoother to me. (also, on a random creative note, you could say that Rivet City was sunk, and have that as a plot or setting element later). You could change "the others who remained" to "while others who remained", once again, just for flow.


Then, something happened, one man rose from our little settlement and appointed himself leader. That same man was that man that single-handedly led us above ground, through D.C., and past it. Past the Pitt That man’s name was Calvin Cowell.

This: "Then, something happened: One man rose up from our little settlement and appointed himself leader. That same man went on to single handedly lead us above ground, through D.C., and past it. Past the Pitt. That man's name was Calvin Cowell". Just syntax and punctuation suggestions.

For now, that's all I've got. You should keep going, IMO, this could lead into something awesome; I'll read the rest and give more feedback in time.
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Kelli Wolfe
 
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Post » Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:07 am

Thanks for the great feedback, I needed a touch up on my stuff, i never get critiqued anymore. I'll make the changes in time.
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Catharine Krupinski
 
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Post » Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:28 pm

NOTE: This is nearing the end of the prologue, the first chapter begins once they make it to civilization.

Friday, May 16th, 2278 - 1130 hours

They were across the border. Calvin had ran until he thought his liver tore on him, then kept on running. They had been running for so long, and they were so tired now. They were in Virginia now, and there was no optical difference from Virginia to D.C., the ground was still barren, the trees still dead, and they hadn't even come upon buildings yet. They had found a small area to stay and set up camp. There weren't nearly as many of them left now. They were the Enclave's remnant, but they still needed a leader, so Calvin still led, his sturdy demeanor unaltered. Many were injured, some were unharmed. It was still daylight, but they needed the rest so the first sign of building Calvin caught he ushered his people in and they used it to get some rest. He still had much to do once they woke up, like find a town.

P.S. I know this is brutally short, but I want people to see this as a sign that this is not yet dead, but it'll take more than a measly paragraph to revive it.
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Philip Rua
 
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Post » Wed Feb 16, 2011 3:54 pm

Liking this a lot. But, then again, I like nearly anything that involves the Enclave! :P

I'm too lazy and tired to give a detailed critique (sorry), but I reckon you should try add some shades of gray to the story; it gets boring hearing how evil and monstrous the Enclave are.

I assume you're going to be sticking with the fan fic, but this'd do good as a RP, as well. :goodjob:
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.X chantelle .x Smith
 
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