First fan fic. contructive criticism only please


CHAPTER 1


The blood drips from the stump that just seconds ago was the arm of a legionare. "stop now before i put you down!" The legionare looks at me and snarles "NO" I load another round into my gauss rifle and take aim. He lunches at me with mechete in hand. this time i hit him center mass, his rib cage explodes spattering my t-45d power armour in his blood. Head paladin Hardin puts his hand on my shoulder "nice shot, but next time aim for center mass first. Go to his body and see what's around his neck. As i walk closer I can already see them shimmering under the blood that covered the man's body. Hollow Tags, three of them each with a different Serial number and name.
About a month earlier the girl who looked up to him and was planning to become a night like him was killed by a Legion raiding party. She was taking one of her secret visits out of the bunker when Legionares captured here. By the Time the Brotherhood found he she was mangled beyond recognition. The killing of girl Watkins was retaliation by the Legion for the Brotherhood allying themselfs with the NCR. Now I was out hunting the Legion down with the head paladine Hardin.
"Maximus, some of our scouts have reported a Legionare in Cottonwood Cove wearing what looks like scouting armour, I say we wipe em out." "Allright I know of a route to a snipers nest located directly above Cottonwood." "Ok first lets stop back at the Bunker to restock on amunition and supplies."
Back at the Brotherhood of steel Bunker Ramos greats us with a melotone "hi, all outside items in the bin." I say fine and drop in three Holotags. He looks at me shocked but by then I'm half way down the stairs. I move slowly to the barracks to get some rest before we head out to Cottonwood Cove. I think of Watkins and of all the others we have lost. Taggart pokes his head into the room lined with beds from wall to wall. If only this little slime ball was out of his VR cave for someone else but me. He stands impatiently next to my bed. "What do you want Taggart?" He looks at my with those condecending eyes and mutters "you know i missed her too." I don't even look at him and say "You worthless pile of crap you only miss her because she was your..." I stopped there. Everyone knows he prommoted Watkins for her looks not brains, but I don't need to air that out now. " Like i said What do you want?" I could here the hurt in his voice "Your VR scores were the highest so far and Hardin wanted me to tell you that you can have the t-51b power armour that you've been working on." Thanks i said with regret. He walked away quickly. I shouldn't have yelled at him even if he is such a snake. Now I have to get ready for the work ahead. So much for a nap.

Alrighty, not so bad. A couple problems I would like to point out. But remember, whatever I say is just my advice, you can take it or leave it, the choice is yours. And don't let me crush your writing spirit. I do love reading fan fics, and when people stop, it makes me sad.

1.)Capitalize. When and how to use. You got to capitalize your "i"'s. You don't have to capitalize the word "Serial" in the middle of a sentence. Capitalize the "T" in T-51 power armor. Capitalize the the first letter of the first word in every piece of dialogue. When ever you have dialogue it is just like starting a new sentence.

2.) Dialogue. Punctuation marks are needed(only saw this error once). It would help if you would denote who is talking. And when you do switch whatever punctuation mark for a comma example.


That is probably one of the most confusing pieces of information I've read. Since who haven't clarified who anyone is beside Hardin, inserting Maximus into a piece of dialogue is a dangerous proposition. Let's clear it up.

"Maximus, some of our scouts have reported a Legionare in Cottonwood Cove wearing what looks like scouting armour, I say we wipe em out," Harden stated calmly.

"Allright I know of a route to a snipers nest located directly above Cottonwood," I replied.

"Ok first lets stop back at the Bunker to restock on amunition and supplies," he nodded.

That makes it so much clearer on who is speaking. Notice I switched the periods for commas, that rule isn't so important and if you forget(like most people) no big deal. But remember it is a rule.

3.) Spacing: This is completely optional. But I like to break up my paragraphs into blocks of text and put single spaces in between my dialogue. You'll see most people around here also do that. It makes it easier to read, especially when using computers.

4.) Spelling: Use word check. Microsoft or Open Office(free) that way you don't have to worry about spelling words wrong. It adds distraction to a story and considering when your in high school they don't like essays with 3+ spelling errors, you should try the same here.

Other than the above mentioned advice, everything is looking okay. Keep it up.

Just structuring, something like that. Helps to separate people talking and separates the body of the text into paragraphs. Walls of text tend to discourage readers. Other than that just pay attention to spelling, run it through spell check real quick or something. Good story though.

I would have suggested some advice, But the person above me usually has it covered.

Good job, But try and use some of his(?) advice.

Thanks for the advice. hahaha spelling is not my strong point.

Do not worry, neither is it mine. If I didn't one my advice through spell check I would have ten plus errors. I had four in this one.

ok next chapter i'll make sure to run it in spell check. what do you guys think of the story so far?

I approve of this story..

for now.. Just kidding, Good job!

The directions is looking solid, a probably that a frequently encounter is that I don't know where to take my stories. But you have a clear direction for now, that is good. The plot right now is kinda of cliche and over done. Someone kills somebody and the lover/friend gets revenge by killing them. AS it stands it lacks a path for depth, but you could easily turn it to something far bigger than a petty revenge scheme. The added bonus is that the BoS is always at overwhelming odds since they've lost so much defeat after defeat.

So Direction + Depth -

I know where i'm taking it. This is just the intro, depth will come soon

Chapter 1.5
35 days earlier

Watkins sliped out the door of the bunker. Looking up at the stars she realized how much she's really missing stuck down in that stupid bunker. Her friend Maximus had gotten the elder to release the lockdown, but the elder was still very strict about who he let out. Fortunetaly she had a nack for playing innocent. all the sixual favors for taggart helped too. She charrished her time outside the bunker, but site seeing wasn't the reason she's out here tonight. A man steped out from behind a rock to her right dressed from hed to toe in black. A black jacket, black pants, black shirt, black shoes, even a black mask. "Do you have what we need," the man asked. "Yes sir," she replied. She handed him a holotape containing Taggart's code to the security pannel. "Thanks," he muttered through the mask. He handed her a sack with 500 caps. She turned away to enter the bunker but felt a sharp pain in her back. "thats all we need from you," the man said calmly. She fell to the floor and felt herself being dragged away before she blacked out.

Short. I take it your going for the short and frequent entry style fan fic? Even for such a short entry, you still have errors. Capitalization at the beginning of a sentence. But you have approved on most everything I mentioned. This chapter provides nice insight on what went down. Double crosser was crossed. Keep it up.

sorry just put up something quick without spell check cuz i wont be on 2morror