Mitch opened his dreary eyes, staring at the bloodied pistol in his hand. Past the pistol in his hand he noticed an open door. Past the open door he heard noises, rummaging about. Super mutants. Mitch was not sure why he was here, that part would inevitably come later, but he knew he was in a Vault. He could tell my the shady dark red color palette, and the blotches of blood decorating the walls and floors. Most tellingly, there was the stench of rotting flesh, no doubt emitting from the flesh bags hanging form the ceiling, but as far as in his current immediate area, the smell seemed too intense. So, Mitch lifted his head off the ground and looked past his limp body at the four bodies behind him. The were green, one tan and grotesque, long tendril tongues laying sprawled out on the floor.

Slowly, he got to his feet, limping to the desk behind him where he saw a peculiar object. It was oval shaped and had many wires running through its exterior. Stealth boy. Mitch took it and, looking back through the open door, pressed the available buttons to activate it. Immediately his whole body began to fade in transparency until he could look at the floor through his feet. He was now camouflaged.

From outside the door Mitch heard an eerie silence, the mutant had stopped rummaging. He looked up at the doorway and there it stood, now merely feet away from his own face. In his hand Mitch held a pistol, while the mutant was appropriately fitted with a nail board. Mitch knew there was something of value in the room past the both of them, and in it was likely the reason for his entrance upon the vault, and consequently the reason he awoke unconscious. He also recollected he was in fact armored with a tactical knife on one hip and a grenade on the other, but he was still debating weather he would adhere to conflict. Then again, it was the mutants move.

He looked down at the spot Mitch had awoke, smart enough to realize there was now no body, which insinuated Mitch had battled this creature before.

"Where are you human?" He askd, looking around the room. He walked over to a corner of the room and inspected the intricacies of the nails in the wall. He turned, yelling out more loudly this time,"Where are you human!" Mitch took his chance to escape while the creatures sight was off balance and scurried past the table and through the doorway to the neighboring room. On the ground he first noticed a man on the ground, behind a dark round desk, and in front of a large terminal with multiple monitors. Mitch ignored the monitors however, his goal was on the dead Overseer. He grabbed the man by the 'sixteen' on his shirt and turned him over, first grabbing the note in his dead hand before taking the other peculiar item on the floor close to him. At first it looked like a regular bottle of water, but the insides of it were composed of more than a clear material. The liquid had some kind of essence, some kind of glow. It was turquoise in color and rivaled that of the oceans which Mitch had heard of but never encountered. He placed it his his bag.

From behind him he heard walking, the mutant was on the lookout for anything that moved. His thick brain was enough to easily outsmart, but his hunt for Mitch seemed more concentrated than most Mitch had encountered. He was still under the influence of sensibility, and had no doubts Mitch was still nearby. Maybe he could sense him? Maybe he knew what Mitch was after? Either way, Mitch had to evacuate the premises, so he grudgingly opened the terminal and executed the overseers secret exit, like he remembered doing many times before. He knew that the sound of the secret entrance would alert the mutant, who would then be dispatched, but it was the most logical and apparent exit, as navigating the vaults were always notoriously difficult. It was coming back to him now his memory of what he was doing here. It was a mission of importance, and it was vital that he take it back to...whom? Someone of both importance and intimacy to Mitch himself. Exactly who this man was, Mitch did not yet know, but as the secret opened slid back, the mutant reacted to the noise heard.

"I have found you now, human! I will feast on your flesh for killing my brothers!" As the mutant plodded along shouting and threatening, Mitch calmly took out the tactical knife with his free hand and assumed a ready stance just below the top step. The giant lumbered in and looked directly at him, not knowing his exact location but understanding the room was not exactly as he had left it. It roared and as it did Mitch dove up from under him and plunged his knife into the mutants torso, hitting what he assumed to be the beasts kidney. He pulled the weapon out while at he same time firing into the mutants face, blinding him. The beast swung wildly, almost hitting Mitch in the head, but he easily dodged and backhanded the beast across its neck, stopping the noise instantly as the beast struggled now for breath. All this was under the protective camouflage so even if the beast could see through bullet-crested eyes all he would see is his own animate blood. The monster stumbled backward, trying to stream with a slit windpipe only sent out air and gurgles, and Mitch reached for the grenade on his left side and unpinned it before tossing it at the mutants feet and walking away. The explosion was deafening, but it caused him to remember what had sent him unconscious in the first place, a last ditch effort to take out his adversaries in the previous room. He was sent here by Duncan, a close friend and operator alongside himself of the Age of Aquarius, a group dedicated to the preservation and distribution of water for the wastes. What he now had in his sack was the first step in a new direction, better, cleaner, regenerative water started by and found only in Vault 16, said to be a direct source from the fabled lake Michigan, the only vault with such access.

He had completed his mission, Duncan would be pleased.

Alrighty Ant1ive, I can see your planning onto making this something big since the title of the topic is Age of Aquarius: The Prologue. First thing I noticed is the repeating of words specifically in that first sentence.



Pistol, Revolver? Alternatives to handgun, or palm instead of hand. And even worse is that you repeated not just the same words in the same context, way? Something like that.



You already told us it's in his hands so I don't have to keep telling us, just past the handgun would work fine. Brilliantly if changed the first handgun to revolver.


Comma, right after human. One of the rules to dialogue that when your indicating you is speaking swap a period for the comma. Question marks and exclamation marks stay.

Other than that a couple spelling mistakes: My instead of by, the instead of they, stream instead of scream. Easy fixes if you just re-read it.

I wonder how this is going to go, I have expectations for a saga, but I'll be waiting either way.

Thanks Ytt. I actually went with the handgun in hand and past the handgun on purpose, i thought it was good for the way i was telling the story. I changed the others things though. I'm thinking of doing big things with this, and what better time than the actual age or aquarius, two days bfore new years!

Fair enough. And that's good, have you written out any other chapters? I find it's good to have a good five chapters ready before posting one on these forums, just in case anything happens. And yeah, that completely went past my mind, forgot January is coming up.

It's okay, me being an Aquarius and my birthday being the day before Capricorn starts the Age of Aquarius in real life holds sentimental value to me, so I think I might enjoy it more than my last, or any other. And this idea has been in my mind fro a while, but I just fleshed it out today. I'll get to work on those chapters.

Duncan looked down at the papers in front oh him. All outlines. Every single sheet of scissored and bleached wood had now been rendered basic scrolls for his new plan. The Age of Aquarius. The idea? New, cleaner, water from everyone in and near Michigan. As soon as Mitch came back with the solvent, they would begin their trek back to Vault 16, and thus they would start the Age of Aquarius project, which was exclusive to 16. They experimented with the water, to give it a higher value, longer shelf life, more pure than anything else ever tasted. It was going to be the next Nuka-Cola Quantum, except the difference was, it was going to be free. Available for all those who want apart of his grand philanthropy. Iw would be marvelous.

“Marvelous,” Duncan emitted wispily. He had planned only for a month in coercion with Duncan. Just then a door slid open, and Duncan swiveled in his chair, half expecting his comrade, half expecting something more dangerous.

“I trust you have succeeded?” Duncan initiated the conversation.

“Yeah, I got your water.” He fished from his bag the solvent, it still had the same turquoise glow. He threw it to Duncan, who caught it delicately, giving Mitch a stern glance before studying the solution himself.

“Marvelous indeed,” Duncan mused. “Marvelous indeed.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This one is short, but I wanted the goal to be setup, or at leas the goal as YOU ALL know it. I'm planning on doing big things with this one, and I'm not sure its gonna work. Comment and critique and stay tuned.

"So, uhh Duncan, what now?" Mitch was now laying down, addressing the now infected wound on his side.

"We wait. We still need Sam to get back with the scouting report. Once we get that, my plans are to move out."

"Oh, really. Do we know how much we have until Sam gets back?" He waited as the alcohol did its job, the pain from the sting paled in comparison to the pain from the actual wound. Mitch was used to the pain though, so it barely fazed him. He then proceeded to grab the needle and thread from the desk, blindly reaching for it while he watched his blood bubble.

“Well, I’d give it another half hour, hoping the poor chum can make it back.” Duncan was now pouring a small amount of the water on the microscope plate and was now adding the thin protective lens to make sure the liquid didn’t move. “Did you get anything else from there? A note, or a holotape, perhaps?”

Mitch was still blindly probing for it, while he answered, his blood was simmering down. “Yeah, I got a note.” He reached into his pocket with the probing hand and took out the sheet, letting go once he felt it move. He looked up at the desk, curious as to why he hadn’t found it yet. It wasn’t there. “Duncan, where’s the needle and thread?”
“Some dogs made it in while you were gone. Bastards tore me a new one,” He stopped his work to roll up his sleeve, revealing his battle wound to his comrade. “Sam took the rest of it after you left. Just use the stapler.”

Mitch grunted, signing to himself. The stapler would hurt. He grabbed an ordinary stapler off the desk from the stack of papers Duncan had no doubt scribbled all over, and applied the force required to shoot one out on the gash in his side. The stamper shot out the staple as he yelled silently to himself, then blew out calmly while closing his eyes, wishing for some Med-X. He still had another staple left before the wound was as good as it would get.

“You sure we don’t have the Med-X?”

“Nope. Sam took that too.” Duncan was now looking through the microscope lens, checking for any bacteria. He saw nothing living of moving. This excited his, needless to say. That meant vault 16’s plan for clean bio created water was a success. Now, all he needed was to take it to the reservoir at the center where it could be mass produced. That was, after Sam had scouted out the first checkpoint of course. It was a mutli-point journey, more than a just a couple miles away.

“[censored] man, this [censored] don’t tickle.” Mitch said, pressing the stapler in. He then proceeded to grab the ace bondage and wrapped it round his waist, then gave it a second thought and grabbed a band-aid and slapped it on. He stood up and stretched.

"I'm goin' to bed. Wake me up when Sam gets here."

"You two, I always knew something was up."

"Yeah, whatever. [censored] got my Med-X."

Hey Ant, I have a few suggestions and tips for ya:

1) You kind of gave away the “conflict” early. Now we all know what this story is about. If we had been left wondering why Mitch was in the vault and why he took what he did it would have given your story more mystery. Don’t feel a need to give so much away so fast. Entice us – string us along.

2) “It was vital that he take it back to. . .whom?” and “[A] Stealth boy” – those sentences are internal monologue. That’s not the narrator thinking that – it’s the character. Put them in italics and in their own paragraph. It’s easier to understand and is the general convention b/c it’s a different speaker really.

3) “Under the influence of sensibility” and “Working in coercion” I think you meant consert not coercion there – but really you don’t need to phrase things like that – use simpler language. There were other examples – but sometimes it seemed like you were overcomplicating your word choice. Write with words your comfortable using - know what I mean?

All that said, this is a nice read and has some really cool potential. You keep writing and I’ll keep reading Ant. :mohawk:

Thanks Sentinent, strong words from a great writer. I will in fact humble my writing style, I was going for an actual challenge in terms of writing, because I always LOVED reading from books that used the nice words. Bt if it seems too forced, I'll tune it down.

I feel so dumb now for revealing ht plot, I just didn't want to keep you guys in the dark in fear that on would not be as enticed. Nonetheless, I will post the next installment soon.

Sam looked trough the scope, she’d spotted four robots, two Mr. Handy’s and two Protectrons, patrolling the perimeter in a fairly easy revolution, spending exactly ten seconds on each corner. Throughout the many windows, she spotted the occasional raider here and there, but how many truly lied behind the walls she could not definitely tell, at least ten. In the bag behind her lied as many as twelve cartridges of sniper ammo, with five clips for her Glock 18C (a fully automatic pistol capable of firing three bullets in a split second) with its silencer still unattached. No doubt she would have to fall back on it once she’d been spotted. Besides weapons and ammo she also had a needle and thread and some Med-X for the pain to come. She hoped it would go smoothly, but there was no guarantee everything would go well. She still had yet to be discovered and had maintained a good 95% incognito success rate.

Taking a deep breath, like she had taught herself to do so many times since she had acquired the massive weapon, she centered her reticle on the farthest Mr. Handy, then fired. Her shot seamlessly echoed through the remaining three robots as she moved and fired. Before their sensors could even target where the source was they were all down. Her patience had paid off, as she knew exactly where each one would be at that given moment. Now she needed to make haste and leave the high rise and flank around to the building’s roof, where she could avoid being spotted and salvage goods.

She made her way around to the building, but realized there was a reasonably large gap between her and the actual roof. After first heaving her bag over, she herself sprinted from a good distance back and jumped for it, landing and rolling to break both her fall and the momentum, making sure to tuck her shoulder as the many bone fractures had shown her. Now, she opened the backs of the robots and took the micro fusion cells, the fission batteries, and a conductor, and stashed them all quietly into her sack. Then, satisfied with her looting, she walked to the edge of the roof. Her sniper had now been swapped her her pistol, and she was now going in.

First thing’s first, have to get in quietly. She dropped to the ground and lay flat on her stomach, then maneuvered her top half downwards to the window, and peeked in. there were two guards in the first floor, or at leas the first room. One was slouching in a chair while the other was standing in the adjacent window. She rose up and waited for him to move to hers, and when the closing footsteps stopped she reached for his face, grabbed his chin with one hand and his cranium with the other, and twisted the chin upwards while pushing the skull down in the opposite direction, snapping it. She felt the crack and a short lapse of tension from her pray before he relaxed as she let go. It was difficult enough upside down, but he fell limp to the floor and she dropped to the window sill.

She hated killing people.

Sam grabbed her bag and throw it off the roof, to the floor below, tossing i at the land mass so that it could roll down the steep slope. Now there was one left in this room, but she had plans for him, she needed information. She quickly bounded to him and smacked the butt of her Glock above his ear, sending him reeling off the chair, then jumped on him and clasped his mouth to cut of his scream.

“How many of you are in here? What are you guarding?” Her tick British accent was easily audible.

“mwerm nmm hmmmhmm mmhmmhmm,” came the muzzled voice of a dazed raider. She uncovered his mouth, allowing him to speak. “F**k you, I’ll tell them if you let me live.”

Without a single word, she placed her gun in the soft and uncovered area behind his kneecap and fired three silent bullets. One bullet fell out of the mans flash because there wasn't enough space. His screamed only went as far as the two of them, she had covered his mouth again. When she removed it she still felt her hand turn cold due to the condensation on her palm from his hot breath. The man was fighting back what seemed to be tears as he grimaced in pain.

"How many more of you are there? Is this the Michigan research facility? Tell me!"

She placed the gun now on the mans groin. He gasped and cringed. Experience told her that if she fired he would go into shock, or die from the pain. Either way she wouldn't get her information if she fired, but she didn't have to.

"Eighteen. There's eighteen of us don't shoot m balls please, please, please." He was crying now, the tears left streaks on his mud-caked face.

Works every time . . .

"And the other part?"

"I dunno my boss sent me here. He asid something about a w-water pump. All I know --" His sniveling had chocked him up. " . . . all I know is we get clean water."

She placed the gun on his head and fired. He stopped crying.

It's going okay, the flow of the story that it is. But, in the last chapter at least, you have tiny grammar mistakes. Like:

his instead of him, m instead of my. Small stuff like that, but the problems are in abundance which can lead to slight confusion in some parts, which in turn leads to the breaking up of the story flow. I suggest going over the story and reading it aloud if possible that really helps with spotting errors, cause you won't pass them by like you would if you were just reading silently. Other than that, the last chapters were pretty good.

I got a little confused in some parts, but could just be me.

Anyway, keep it up Ant.

Thanks, will do. I only re read certain parts at a time when pasting them from my word doc to the site, and a uniform proofread is the best way to sort out specs. I'll get to it.

Sorry guys, for those who actually read this (I'm not sure who that consists of, i'd like to know how you like it so far, because I feel as though my story isn't getting enough attention. And without reflection or feedback how am I supposed to know how I am doing? I'd like a reply from at least on person before I continue on posting.

Hello.


Keep it going. It's fun to read.

Glad I have at least one.

Here I have some pictures of what the characters look like.

http://api.ning.com/files/fWRvRJn3uACe-H2grh9BEVJ6Y-*NseLBpDY98zt7yUH*CBd1KkB2c8yo0RoGDpFbDUAtprCXXMtpt6qRDbGc-aclQ*KW8XSz/Kate_Beckinsale_3.jpg

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/2008/07/23-End/Ethan_Hawke_399408a.jpg

http://static.gamesradar.com/images/mb/GamesRadar/us/Games/D/Dragon%20Age%202/Everything%20Else/2010-08-17%20PREVIEW/HawkeCloseup--article_image.jpg

http://guides.gamepressure.com/fallout3/gfx/word/893122796.jpg
___________________________
Duncan and Mitch were both eating when Sam entered, dropping her duffel bag onto the floor and causing a major uproar as the dust rose in revolt.

“Finally,” Mitch rasped, scooping up the last bits of his squirrel stew with a spork. He had been awaiting her return for quite some time. He needed some Med-X for his wound. Or, not so much needed as he did want to alleviate the pain.

“I’m home, [censored]’s.”

“So? What’s going on there? I doubt it was empty.”

She walked past the two men to the pantry where they kept their food, reaching for two sweet rolls (which were not wrapped). She could have gotten some instamesh from the top row, but she went for the bottom, not bothering to hide her curves as she bent, and taking an exaggeratedly long time. She didn’t need to look at Mitch as she rose up, she already knew he’d be looking.

She assumed her seat among the two men and stuffed the first sweet roll into her mouth while Duncan awaited her answer, looking directly at her.

“It was a raider camp,” She muttered, still with a cheek-full left.
?“And?” Duncan asked, leaning in. He was a patient man for the most part, but this was something he had been waiting for for a long time, he could barely contain himself as it was.

“And I took care of it, your welcome. Caps?”

Duncan sat back, letting out a long held breath. He had been hoping for that verdict, now they could move in. He still kept his calm serenity on the outside however, he didn’t want to be seen as anything too far from tranquil.

“You live with me. You eat our food. You work with us, not for us. I still don’t know why I should pay you,” He ranted.

“Because I’ll shoot you if you don’t,” She replied smirking. Mitch couldn’t help but chuckle. She had moxie. He liked that abut her. How long had he known her for, ten years? Fifteen? Back when they both had a home, back when everyone had homes. Before all the trauma, before the bombs dropped it was all good. All fine and dandy then, he used to go to church with her on Sundays, back when she was a good girl. Back when their crush was minor, and Mitch used to stutter around her. Back before her parent’s died.

She held her head high now. As if it had never happened. As if she didn’t remember when her bed didn’t have mice crawling through the springs. Back when she could choose what to wear.

Back to reality, Mitch thought. He tuned in to their rambling.

“. . .if all I got is six caps, how the hell do expect me to pay this “interest” you speak of?”

“And since when in the hell was that my problem? I want my damn money!” She was up now, sweet roll crumbs sliding off her armor and cheeks.

“Both of you shut it.”

They both looked at him, not much surprised for he always was the one keeping them two from killing each other, or keeping her from killing him at least. She drew a breath, then her face shaped into one of applaud.

“Oh, Mitch, I see you have some balls. You must have either that or my money to be interrupting grown up talk over here.” Sam always enjoyed enticing Mitch. Even though he had a relatively short temper, he wouldn’t touch her, or if he did, it wasn’t that kind of touching.

“I’l, get you your money. First I need some damn Med-X,”

“God, Sam you’re a [censored].” Duncan said, rising from his seat and storming out to the back room, leaving them two to themselves. Mitch was done with the stew and had reached into the cooler beside the table for a beer. There was no ice in the cooler, so the beer was warm, but alcohol was alcohol. He was now reclined on the chair with his elbow around the back of it, hanging off the edge.

“The same reason I entice you, just different reactions,” she teased, pulling out the whiskey from the cooler. There she was again, teasing his fairly lightweight beverage. If he didn’t like her he’d probably have stabbed her ages ago.

“The perfect balance,” Mitch mused.

“I wish you’d just cut the [censored] already!” THey both heard a voice call out from the other room.

“Dr. Jackal doesn’t like it when you tease him.” Mitch said, downing another swig.

“What can I say . . .” She licked her lips after taking her own gulp. “I’m a tease.”

Mitch always enjoyed their little sessions. It was always fun to be with her, and the conversation never got dull. If they ran out of wasteland storied it would eventually get to more intimate things, even though they had only kissed twice (and one of them in a closet in church) in their slightly complicated coexistence. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to obviously, but things were the way they were. He was to chill to go after her, and she had to much fun being chased to go after him. It was a miracle that their lips ever touched. Then there was always the lingering “friendship” they had that went back to when they used to chase each other around the pews on Saturday choir practice. The invisible barrier that couldn’t let Mitch see to far past the girl he used to clutch close to him as they cried together, huddled in a corner as his parents fought off the many crazed men and wild dogs that lingered in the tunnels shortly after the bobs fell. They had been through so much together. . .

He rose from his seat, exiting his slow reminiscence. She herself seemed to be in a trance, but nonetheless he enjoyed her company.

“We leave tomorrow, I suggest getting some sleep.”

“No, you go. I’ll chill here and finish up our drinks,” She called out.

Out of sight from either of them, and not until she was sure she heard both of them snoring, she cried. She cried and cried until she could taste as much salt as whiskey. When she was done, she crawled into her own bed and sniffled herself to sleep.

Life. The funny thing about it, it always has a way of destroying itsself.

Just spotted this mate. I think that spelling is "lied" as in "told an untruth". Perhaps "lay" could be a better choice of word. I think Yttrium covered everything else.

I really enjoyed the post I just took the quote from and I'll let you know what I think of the latest one soon.

Keep it up mate. :thumbsup:

Actually, Ytt hadn't covered that, but thanks for the input anyway. How about making my posts slightly shorter as well, so it wont be as much of a handful of awesome.