Chapter 1



I slowly slip in and out of the living world. The mother Deathclaw cut deep into my ribs, the vultures already circle, hungry for the blood that is spilling out of my body. I was lucky that I could scramble out of the cave before she could get another swipe in. Boone is probably dead. He covered my escape as I stumbled out of the cave. I could still here his last words as i ran for my life. " Run! You saved me, now let me save you!" I could imagine the giant claws digging deep into his stomach. I put my hand up against my ribs, the blood was warm and sticky. As my vision faded i heard a womanly voice yelling in my ear. So this is the voice of God.

Lol
I was expecting to actually see something. Guess I'll check back tomorrow? Why didn't you just start now?

their you go

Err...
It's extremely short and all I can really tell is that the main character got his ribs cut open and his friend is probably dead. There are grammatical mistakes and there just isn't enough there, honestly. Don't know what else to say.

Incredibly short Semp. You should have at least a couple paragraphs, and even in this short little intro you forgot to capitalize the "i"'s.

On a positive note it was pretty suspenseful.

Yeah it is pretty short, works as a good introduction though I think. Would work better if there were another paragraph or two or three immediately after.

Like:

I slowly slip in and out of the living world. The Mother Deathclaw had cut deep into my ribs and vultures were already circling, hungry for the life blood spilling out of my body. I was lucky I managed to scramble out of the cave before she got another swipe in.

Boone is probably dead. He covered my escape as I stumbled out of the cave. I could still hear his last words as I ran for my life.

"Run! You saved me, now let me save you!"

I could just imagine the giant claws digging deep into his stomach.

I put my hand up against my ribs, the blood was warm and sticky. As my vision faded i heard a womanly voice yelling in my ear.

So this is the voice of God.

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"25 caps, are you kidding?"


Or something like that. The idea is you break it into sections, and you could quite easily lengthen it just by describing his stumbling out of the cave, leaning on rocks with one hand while holding his inside bits in with the other. Separate speech from actions and perhaps even use italics or some such.

That last sentence is intended to actually be another nice sizable paragraph but I didn't want to type it out as it's not my story. You could use this to create a sense of distance from the harrowing near death escape in the past to his present life...or if you intend to pick it up immediately after the attack you could have him recuperating with whoever rescued him...or just waking up naked stripped of all his gear because the chick thought he was a corpse.

Keep it up though. I'd suggest just working the idea around longer in your head and holding off posting until you have a bit more to post. I like that you killed off Boone though, not because I dislike him (I haven't even played NV) but because it opens up interesting stories. What you two did together, how you met, how you react to his death, etc....and those stories can be used to describe your character's mindset without having to deliberately go out and say "Main Dude was cold and heartless, or Main Dude was crippled by the loss of a good friend"

Come on how could spell check not get the I's? lol sorry bout the spacing for some reason my computer dosn't like to space. It's short cuz that's all I had time for. But I'm starting another chapter now.

Well, I hope it's a bit better because this one was a bit of a let-down, just try hard and go into detail.

Just take your time man. I can't tell you how many times I type out a bit, realize I have no idea where I'm going, and delete it all. I log in all the time and type out a bit before copy/pasting it into a document and signing out. It takes a while to put sizable posts together.

Chapter 2

I look up and am faced with a dark, cold, cave ceiling. As i feel for a gaping hole in my side, all I find is the feel of cold metal. I quickly flip my Pipboy light on to inspect the stitches. For the first time I can see the whole cave, empty syringes litter the floor around me and a half empty vile of psycho is next to my head.

"Had to keep you sedated some how" I heard from the entrance to the cave. As the woman steps further into the cave I realize that it's Red Lucy. I tried to stand up but before I could Lucy was pushing me down. " The Thorn needs its hunters healthy for the bleeding," she said in a mellow tone. "You can stop with the mystical mumbo jumbo," I barked harshly.

Lucy and I have a love hate relationship going on. She enjoys watching me fight in the areana, and usually bets against me. So I make sure she gets some kind of animal in her bed at least once a week. Not anything dangerous just a Radroach or a Giant rat.

She cut into my thoughts with something I had nearly forgotten about, " McCarran sent a message over about Boone." I flashed back to Boone yelling for me to run. As she recounted the message that Boone had been found on the side of the road close to Novac almost dead, tears ran down my face in streams.

"Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said almost dead." I looked up at her with pure despair and mumbled out "After what those Deathclaws did to him, death would probably be better."

Okay, although improvements have been made you still have a ways to go. First off, make sure you don't try to jump off to quickly at what Smiley told you, because I see that it is in fact lengthier, this does not qualify as the "couple of paragraphs" Smiley was most likely getting at. In all, this amounts to three paragraphs at most, which is good, but if you look around in the forums' you'll see that the average installment posts are anywhere between five to ten paragraphs. Now, keep in mind that we all are time strained beings, and life tend to not wait for us while we are creating works of art, but with that all said, if you were to keep your posts as this length I would not obligate. I suppose it would be nice and refreshing to have a small fallback when you don't feel like mini-essays.

Also, I think you kinda rushed through the emotions there, a syndrome most upcoming writers do, and even some who have been doing it for a long time. Here's what I mean.



Now, safely assuming that he wasn't crying prior to the news, i. e. about five seconds ago, tears would not be 'rolling down his face in streams' for two reasons. One, a person cannot cry that quickly, but this is a small nitpick. Two, you could have fleshed out the feeling one he registered that Boone was dead, since he must've been a good friend, or else you wouldn't be crying at all. Maybe this, for example:

"McCarran sent a message over about Boone." I flashed back to Boone yelling for me to run, clothing my own wound in agony. I didn't look back at him once, I couldn't. I didn't want to see what the deathclaws had rendered him. As a tear rolled down my cheek, I hoped to God that he had made it out to the side of the road in at least two pieces. He was a good friend, a good ally, someone who definitely did not deserve such a cruel fate. I still was not sure if even deserved my life.

You see how I fleshed it out slightly more, giving them a bit more intimacy. This could also be done for Lucy, or any character.

Either way, good job on your work here, it seems to be developing, looking forward to you implementing and getting better and better.

I like writing shorter chapters. Helps keep things fresh

Still, it's good to take the advice from these people, they know alot from what I see.

Good job with this one, but again you should still try and stretch it out for more effect.

Don't know when i can do another chapter. got finals coming up and lots of review packets