"Greetings Sons of Skyrim! I am Natick Durogenda! Fellow Son of Skyrim! How may I help you?" said Natick, ecstatically.

"This, Is a Weapons shop right?" asked Shadowind.

"Yes, Sir! Blunt or Blade. Arrow or Club! ITS HERE!" shouted Natick.

"Armour?" Hellfire butted in.

"That to!" Natick replied back.

"Okay, Get me a Iron Dagger and Shrouded Armour and Hood." Shadowind said.

"2240 Coins" said Natick as Shadowind handed him the Gold.

"For Me, A Steel Warhammer and Steel Armour" said Hellfire.

"1340 Coins" said Natick as Hellfire handed him the Gold. "Ill get your Items now!"

"So, Hellfire, Were are we going now?" Shadowind asked.

"The City of Cheydinhal" Hellfire replied.

The door of the Shop busted open, to Khajits where standing in the Doorway.

"You two?" the bigger Khajit said, to his suprise.

"What?" said the smaller Khajit.

The Smaller Khajit nodded and the bothed charged at Shadowind and Hellfire. Hellfire grabbed the bigger one and tossed him into the Wall, The Smallest one had a Dagger and lunged at Shadowind who rolled. Then punched the Khajit in the face, Knocking him out.

"You defeated the Lodestars! Thank You!" Natick said as he handed them there stuff.

"Lodestars?" Hellfire said

"The Two Khajits..." Natick said. "Every week they'd come in a wreck my Store and Steal my stuff...". "And..." He'd continue. "You know the rest"

"Well thanks Natick" Shadowind said.

"HAIL SKYRIM!" The Three shouted.

"To Cheydinhal!" Hellfire yelled.

"Why are we going there?" Shadowind asked.

"I have a Friend there" Hellfire replied.

It was a Quiet Trip. They were attacked just outside of the Cheydinhal Gates bye Four Bandits that have seemed to come from the Hero Hill. Shadowind jumped of the Horse and rolled onto the Ground. Hellfire jumped of his swinging his Axe like a Madman. Hellfire let go of the Axe which flew and hit one the Four Bandits. Shadowind jumped into the air, and came back down stabbing one of the Bandits in the Chest, then pulled away punching the other in the Face throwing him onto the ground. Hellfire grabbed the Last Standing Bandit and Head butted him making him fall onto the ground. The Two Bandits on the ground got up and run off.

"RUN! THATS RIGHT! RUN!" yelled Hellfire.

They went inside Cheydinhal and were confronted bye a man.

"Harrus is that you?" said the Old Man.

"Its me Vince" replied Hellfire [Harrus]

"Good, You, are you Hyde?" said Vince [Old Man]

Shadowind [Hyde] nodded.

"Jolly Good then, I have a Story for you." said Vince, suspiciously. "Follow me"

They walked up to an old badly Painted Wooden house, and went inside.

To Be Continued.

Ok lets get started, I'd like to ask a few questions first. Who are Shdowind and Hellfire... What do they look like? how old are they? where are they from? Why should I care? Why do they have names from a marvel comic? Where are they and why do they need weapons? I know nothing of these characters and i dont know why i should care, make me care.



Ok we have established they are in a shop but what does it look like? Where is the shop? is it in a backstreet on the main walk or just around the corner from a local tavern? It all matters. Then theres Natick, he seems to be on drugs, he ends every thing he says with a !, no emotion is described just back and forth talk with no flow or natural order to it, it seems more like a script than a story.

Then theres the weapons and armour, why are they buying them? whats wrong with the stuff they have? Why are they the price of a house? (game mechanics are just that, no way would real weapons or armour set you back THAT much) Why do they need them and what are the planning on doing with them?


Ok then, tell my why cheydinhal? why should i bother opening the thread to read the next chapter if theres nothing keeping me hooked? Whats in cheydinhal that Hellfire and shadowind want or need?

Also, who are these Khajiit and why are they attacking, what are they even talking about when they enter the shop? Why would they rob some one in broad day light (especially a nord in a shop full of armour and pointy objects) when there are city guard about? Why are hellfire and shadowind so uber? I find that fight scene lacking in many ways but the fact that they took out their aggressors without so much as taking a scratch just makes me think these are bog standard rolled out of a mass production factory burly action movie type guys. Nobody likes to read about that, give your characters some depth and some weaknesses, it makes it a whole lot better when you can relate to the characters.



:facepalm: