Richard Fray, the Infamous Bounty Hunter was born in the year 2260, in the year 2281 he is the most feared bounty hunter in the area that once was New York

Chapter One: The Deadly Hunter
Part 1: Richard Fray (Prologue)

Richard Fray was born to an alcoholic and a drug addict who were murdered by a group called the Pure who believe anybody addicted to material things (mostly drugs and alcohol). They took him in but once he turned fifteen he broke in to the armory and left. He became a bounty hunter and wandered the wastes for years until he was hired by a man to kill Hugo Qway, the new owner of the Scrayper. But once he got their he decided he'd get more money fighting then he would for killing Qway. After about two weeks mercenaries showed up looking for him and shot up the Scrayper, killing five gamblers and seven guards. Richard killed them and fled into the wasteland, trying to find the many who hired him to kill Qway. After seven years he finds him as one of the seven highest crime lords in New Brooklyn. He kills him and earns a bounty of 10,000,000 caps on his head. He then proceeded to kill many crime lords in New York, earning his name as the Infamous Bounty Hunter. Eleven years after the crime lord's mercenaries showed up at the Scrayper Richard Fray returned, everybody more afraid of him then they are of possible mercenaries.

Chapter One: The Deadly Hunter
Part 2: Ridgetown

2293- Twelve years since the bounty was put upon Richard Fray's head. A man, far different from any man he's ever seen walks into the Scrayper. That man is different because he looks perfectly clean, his tuxedo and shoes are perfect. He walks up to Richard, who's wearing a faded old trench coat, MKII helmet with a crack in the visor, and his old rebreather (he was born with a birth defect due to his parent's use of drugs and alcohol), felt weak and exposed. The man said, "I am Charles Strike. Are Richard Fray?" He nodded in response. "I have a job offer for you, as you might know I own a large corporation in Aban (ruins of Albany) known as StrikeCo. But I wasn't always in that position, I grew up in a small town on the cliffs of the Atlantic called Ridgetown, and my home is in trouble." Strike said. "What do you need me to do?" Richard asked, his voice slightly metallical due to his rebreather. "I want you to deal with this small group of tunnelers (creatures that are a fusion of a chemical similar to FEV mixed with radiation to form a thin monster with large, sharp claws that they use to rip anybody who has the misfortune to run into) there," Strike continued. "You shall have 50,000 caps delivered to your room here at the Scrayper, but only once those tunnelers are dealt with or you're dead." Strike finished. "You've got a deal." Richard Fray responded.

Richard traveled a day and a night to reach Ridgetown, following Charles Strike's very detailed map. He walked into the town and was greeted by a man named Fredrick Cuttingham, the town mayor. Richard told him how Charles Strike had sent him to deal with the tunnelers and Cuttingham responded that the town deputy, Landon Irksway, knows where it is. Twenty minutes later Richard and Landon were standing in front of the cave entrances. They went inside, Landon holding a hunting rifle and Richard holding a 12 gage shotgun. "How many are there?" Richard asked. "About four." Landon replied in a deep New York accent. Soon they were to deep into the cave to see anything so Landon pulled out his match box and lit one eliminating a tunneler right next to him. He didn't even have time to react before it's claws tore him in half. Richard fired his shotgun, killing it. The match, which was still in Landon's hand lit his corpse's arm and soon the entire top half of his body on fire, giving Richard enough light to see two other tunnelers heading towards him. He shot and killed the closer one but then his gun jammed. The second one sprang at him and earned a knife in the eye. Richard dropped his shotgun and pulled out his lucky revolver. He found a stick towards the side of the cave and used a shred of cloth and Landon's corpse to light a torch. He walked deeper into the cave, ending up in a large room where there slept a queen tunneler, on top of a large pile of unhatched eggs. He holstered his revolver and drew a grenade, awaking the tunneler queen. He quickly threw the grenade as she got off the pile, wounding her and destroying the eggs. He then drew his revolver and fired four shots into her head, killing her.

He had told the mayor what happened and received his pay. While walking back he heard the sound of an engine and, a second to late saw Road Raiders on motorcycles sped towards him. They trapped him in a tight circle and he was forced to surrender. They tied him up and brought him back to their base, an abandon factory. 'This is hopeless. was all Richard Fray could think.

Part 3, the end of chapter one coming soon!

The action can be worded out. You make it seem like this guy is invulnerable. Nobody likes a man without weakness.



When someone else speaks you need to put it on a different line, like so:
--
Sean looked over to Jack and pointed at the dead body, "I killed 'em."

Jack could barely believe his eyes, "You certainly did."
--

That's how dialogue can be, separated like that. You can also have an action precede vocals, you don't always have to have:

Joe said, "Blah blah blah."






How is it that your main Character, Fray, cannot be harmed? I'm just wondering cause he seems way out of anybodies league. Is he just going to leave his shotgun there or is he going to get it and clean it for later use?



Pretty cool that there are workable vehicles in Manhattan. For thought dialogue use italics. Detail isn't a bad thing, you can explain what his surroundings are like if you like. Seemed a bit rushed as well.

Anyway, please dont take offense, I'm only trying to help you bece a better writer. You have a strong setting and a good setup for your character. I like the Vader look you've given him, but he still seems very quick for someone with that level of asthma. Proofread as well, saw some errors and words missing. Think about it thought, I hope it helps.

Thanks for the feedback... This is my first Fan-Fiction but I'll try to add more detail for Part 3... I'll also pay more attention for errors.

Chapter One: The Deadly Hunter
Part 3: The Donigan Toy Factory

Richard, with his helmet gone and a blindfolded over his eyes, was tied to a chair, being beaten by the raiders. More specifically their leader, referred to only as James. James raised the club for the fiftieth time during this session and brought it down on Richard’s shoulder. The joint made a popping sound and his arm was dislocated. Richard screamed, his voice still metallic, they aloud him to keep his rebreather. Another one of them, a girl known as Eve, burst into laughter because she enjoyed other’s pain. James struck again and again and almost five minutes later one of the other raiders, named Brigade untied Richard from the chair him and then threw him over his shoulder. He ripped off Richard’s blindfold and threw him down into a makeshift cell, it used to be a closet. Before they put the blindfold over his eyes, when he first arrived, Richard had seen that this used to be a factory, he might be able to use that knowledge to his advantage. He pulled at the rope tied around his wrists, he couldn’t get it off. He needed to escape as soon as possible or die. He managed to stand, a very difficult feet do to the severe beatings, and walk over to a shelf on the far side of the cell. The small light given off by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling made it difficult to see but he managed to find a small, twisted piece of metal. He picked it up and walked back over to the center of the room with it and started to chip away at the rope. He managed to get a fifth of the way through the rope before he heard the sound of the locks being undone, he quickly hid the piece of metal in his jean pocket for the took his coat. Brigade and the fourth and finally raider named Dan walked in, put the blindfold back over his eyes, and dragged him down a hallway and then a flight of stairs. They opened a creaking door and brought him inside. They ripped the blindfold off and he found himself in a room full of unspeakable horrors. Mutilated corpses and torture devices everywhere. An hour later Richard was back inside of his cell. Soon after they had set him down inside he had pulled out the piece of metal and began cutting away again. Forth-five minutes later he had cut the rope. He looked around for something to pick the lock with put found nothing. He could hear Brigade snoring outside of the door. He started slamming into the door with his side, he yelled. “Let me out of here! Let me out!” until he heard the lock click, Brigade was going to come inside thinking he was tied up and insane, he was dead wrong. As soon as the door opened Richard stabbed a knife into his throat with his good arm, killing him instantly. Richard searched him and found a pistol with four bullets in the clip, it’ll have to do. He slid the piece of metal in his pocket and held the gun in one hand, ready for anything. He wandered through the halls until he found the offices, where James, Eve, and Dan were sleeping peacefully. He first snuck into Dan’s room, he put away the gun and pulled out the piece of metal and slit his throat. He walked across the hallway hoping to find James asleep but instead found a room full of supplies they must have stolen over the years, including his own. He put his old helmet and trench coat back on and attached his shotgun to it’s hostler on his back. After he had taken all of his stuff, and everything he thought he would need from the other shelves and crates, he slid the door open coming face to face with a furious Eve with a hunting rifle and an even angrier James with an assault rifle. He pulled the hammer of his lucky revolver back, ready for a fight. James: “So you managed to escape and kill my two best men, we were going to kill you within a week. It was going to be quick but now it’s going to be slow and painful.” The raider grinned, Eve: “Give up now and we might show some mercy.” In a blink of an eye Richard shot James in the leg and pistol slapped Eve across the face, then he ran down the hall as fast as he could. He heard James yell and scream but he wasn’t focused on that now, all he wanted to do was escape.

Richard burst through the door into the shipping department to find a chopper motorcycle near a workbench. He ran over to it but found no fuel inside, he was running out of time. He ran over to a crate and managed to find a half full gas can inside. He ran back over to the motorcycle and poured it into the gas tank. He just finished when he heard a loud burst of gunfire and saw Eve standing in the doorway, supporting James. He fired another burst this time hitting the motorcycle. Richard returned fire and hit the door next to him. This stunned him long enough for Richard to get on the motorcycle and get it started. He zoomed towards the gaping hole in the side of the factory just as James fired another burst, a bullet skimmed his back and drew blood. But he kept going. He drove towards the sunset, with his dislocated arm hanging by his side.

End of Chapter One.

Come on somebodies' got to read this!

Alright, feedback. Grammar, spelling, diction in general, can be improved. Proof read once or twice before posting, that's what I do. Watch some broadway plays on YouTube. Diction is is the use and placement of words, watch some Wizard of Oz to see what I mean.



It doesn't have to be all bunched up like that, you can start a new paragraph when it is appropriate. Wouldn't them removing his rebreather be more torturous? He'd be Like a fish outa water.



Try to put yourself in the characters shoes and see it through their eyes. Where did he get that metal to cut the rope anyway?



Where did he get the strength "burst" through a door? I thought he was tortured, I can tell you that he probly wouldnt have enough strength to burst through a door.



Other than that, grammatical errors, like aloud is like speaking, should be allowed him to keep his rebreather. Hope that next segment is improved. There is potential here, just gotta heed advice.

They didn't want him to die as quickly as they thought he would without the rebreather



On a shelf inside of the closet/cell



It was just to mix up the words a bit so it wasn't, "He opened the door, he walked into the room, etc."



Got it, Part One of Chapter Two will be out within an hour.

Chapter Two: Survivors
Part One: The Chasm

Richard was walking through a desert that seemed to stretch on forever. His motorcycle ran out of gas so he started to move down the road to the next town. That was six hours ago, the road was long gone. ‘Water, I need water!’ Richard thought, he had already drank it all using an opening in his rebreather for it.

It was twenty minutes after that when he took a break in a small cave and away from the scorching sun. It was the greatest relief he had ever had.. Richard pulled off his jacket and put it on his head to block the sun and started to walk again.

Ten minutes later he saw freakish images, he saw a giant monster from a place called D.C., a giant yellowish green creature, pick up what looked like a combination of a frog and a person and throw it into the horizon. He was hallucinating. He began seeing other things, the corpses of Deputy Landon Irksway, Dan, and Brigade run towards him making sounds that Richard couldn’t understand. They faded and in their place was Bertha, his caretaker from when he was cared for by the Pure, running towards a couple with a knife. The woman had a bottle of wine in her hand and the man was using jet. They faded and Richard dropped to his knees and cried. He cried like he did as a child missing his parents, hating the Pure.

Some time later he began walking again. The hallucinations were getting worse, before he had seen a large volcano shooting lava, which he ran from and a giant ocean that he dived into, just to end up on a pile of rocks. His legs were numb from walking and his shoulders burned from the sun. ‘I’m going to die.’

It was dusk now and the cool night air felt heavenly on his sun burnt arms and shoulders. After about five minutes of walking he saw a light in the distances. It wasn’t a hallucination, he somehow new it was real and with the last of his strength he ran to it. He collapsed ten feet away from it, throwing up dirt that landed on his sunburn which made him scream in agonizing pain. He heard people talking from beyond the light and two men ran over to where he was, one with a lantern. The picked him up and carried him past the light, which was a lantern hanging from a stick, and walked him through a large cave hidden behind the hill the light was on. They held him up from under his arms and brought him through the darkness to a large room full of small buildings made of wood and metal. They walked him to one of the closest ones and as soon as they brought him into the building he passed out.

Richard woke up on a couch with a cold, wet cloth laid across his forehead. He gasped, somebody had removed his rebreather and he can’t breath, that’s what woke him up. A lady in her mid fifties had the rebreather in her hand and was putting it over on a side table. He pulled it from her hands and quickly put it back on, breathing heavily.

“That was rude.”
Richard responded: “I’m sorry I can’t breath without it.”
“Oh, so you’re finally awake then.”
“How long was I asleep?”
“Four days. How did you get here?”
“Where am I?”
“The Chasm, a small city inside of a mountain. How did you get all the way here through the desert?”
“I was abducted by raiders and escaped, heading in this places direction.”
“You need to rest, we’ll have more time for a conversation later.”

Richard had been dying from severe dehydration and the lady was the Chasm’s doctor named Sandra Falcon. Within two days Richard had told them everything and began walking around again. They had helped him with his dislocated arm and it was now working fine. One night While Richard was sitting down talking to Doctor Falcon someone walked in and nodded to her. Without a word she turned around and walked out of the door. Richard walked over to the window and saw the entire street was crowded with people walking towards town hall. Once they all went inside Richard decided to investigate. He pulled on his jacket and put his old helmet back on and went outside. He crept down the street as quietly as he could and went through a window into the town hall. He snuck down the hallways until he heard a noise coming from a room with double doors at the end of the hall. He walked over and opened the door very slightly. Everybody in the Chasm was in that room, sitting in chairs or on the floor. They were cheering as somebody tied to a metal rod was carried into the area in the middle. He was about twenty, covered in dirt and his own blood. There was a gag over his mouth and a tear rolled down the side of his face as a man came over to him with a knife, cut out part of his leg and ate the meet. Richard was horrified. They were cannibals, if he didn’t get out of there as fast as he could they’d eat him too.

He had ran back two the house where the cannibals of the Chasm had nursed him back to health and gathered up all of his possessions and supplies for the long trip away from this horrible place. As he stepped outside people started to head down the street, back from the ceremony. He took off at a run, he heard shouts from people behind him. He ran and ran until he was outside of the cave, running past the light, then a guard who was hiding in the shadows tackled him to the ground. He threw a punch at the guard, hitting him in the throat, which made him gasp for air. Richard got back up and at last second decided to grab the gun that guard had. It was a Chinese Assault rifle and he checked the magazine while he was running, it was full. He decided to run towards his left instead of straight, just in case he ended up back at the Factory.

The next day as he was walking Richard saw skyscraqers in the distances. It was New City (New York City). He would soon be back at the Scrayper, putting the caps he had earned for helping Ridgetown in his bank and killing those brave enough to compete against him in a fight.

Alrighty, first impression: Slow Down.

Your blowing through the story incredibly fast, leaving hardly anytime for character development. I mean he traveled through the desert, was nursed back to health by cannibals, fled and now is at New York...All in couple paragraphs. You need to slow down and pace your story, give more detail on his feelings, surroundings, thoughts. You have a lot of content with few details, take look at some other fan fics, perhaps Lords of the Pitt. A lot happens in that the story but there's plenty of detail to get a feel for the characters. In this one, I hardly can feel anything about anyone because your jumping around too fast. Let's just take a breather, you know what I mean? Example:



The greatest relief he had ever had, all in one sentence. Maybe:

It was twenty minutes after that when he took a break in a small cave on the side of some rocky cliffs and away from the scorching sun. The shade was immensely gratifying, and the coolness of the air soothed his burned skin. He lay on the cool stone, stretching his weary limbs, It was the greatest relief he had ever had...But he to keep going, Richard pulled off his jacket and put it on his head to block the blazing sun and started to walk again, the soles of his feet already aching.

Bold is the stuff I added to give more detail and made about twice as big. This is something you should do to all of your writing. I don't want to devour your writing style, but no matter what, you need some level of detail.

.

That's a lot of commas, ever heard of a semi colon or a colon? Probably colon in this case, but you need something rather than all of those commas...



First off use a comma when denoting who said what, not a colon. Second, dialogue is a great place to add some character emotion.

“That was rude," her hand planted firmly on her hips.

Richard responded, “I’m sorry I can’t breath without it,” he looked around groggily "How long was I asleep?”

“Oh, so you’re finally awake then.”

“Four days. How did you get here?” she asked, more than a little curious.

“Where am I?” he replied, dodging the question.

'The Chasm, a small city inside of a mountain. How did you get all the way here through the desert?”

“I was abducted by raiders and escaped, heading in this places direction," he tried sitting up, but his head began to pound with immense pain.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back down, "you need to rest, we’ll have more time for a conversation later.”

An example, just my highly opinionated advice, your story after all.



Be careful of homophones, meat not meet.

That's all I have at the moment, entertaining piece none the less. Keep it up.

Good Luck.

Got it... It might take me some time to write the next one...

Chapter Two: Survivors
Part Two: Ruins of the Scrayper

It was gone. Richard walked to through the front gate of the Dunkerton Co. Junkyard and up to the small office building which served as the entrances to the Scrayper fighting arena. The building had been burned down, the fire was still going. He walked slowly towards it, tripping over the pieces of rubble from the building and metal from the 200 year old totaled cars. He didn’t want to go inside, but he had to see whether it was just the building that was destroyed, and if not if there were any survivors. He went to the boiler room, seeing terrifying things, he saw the mutilated corpse of a young gambler named Trevor, Trevor always bet his weeks pay on Richard, he always won and always earned enough money to pay the heavy taxes of the Navy Empire, which he lived under. But now his body was torn apart and on the wall in his blood the words, ‘WE’VE COME FOR YOU FRAY!’ made him feel even worse. This happened because of something he did and this good man died because of something caused by him. He kept going. When he got to the Scraqer itself he felt even worse. There were at least thirty or forty corpses here, the Scrayper hardly ever got that many people at a time, it most have been a good business night. What scared him even more was these people were only killed about two hours ago. He walked through them, trying to find any clues of who did it. He ended up finding one thing, it was somebody who seemed to have been shot by one of the fighters. The man was in a dark blue uniform, the uniform of the people known as the Liberties, there base was at the old Statue of Liberty, they were a deadly mercenary group, people only come to them if nobody else can complete the job because they almost always plan to betray those who‘ve hired them. The fighter’s name was Yassen, he used a machete and a small five shot magnum, he lay died next to the mercenary with his signature machete in the Liberty Mercenaries chest. Richard took the machete and kept going. He went to his room and found a letter on his mattress. He opened it and scribbled onto it was:

Left the Survivors location in your safe.
-Qway

‘There are survivors, somehow they managed to escape.’ Richard ran to his safe and opened it. There was a note in it with the words, also scribbled:

Survivors under Brook Bridge, (Brooklyn Bridge) when on top of the bridge shout Liberties in the Scrayper, If you don’t you’ll be shot at, bring anybody else.
-Qway

Richard would head there as soon as he found out who sent the Liberties on the Srayper. He grabbed an old potato sack and started pulling his caps into it. He threw the half full sack over his shoulder and then set it down next to the exit. He continued to explore the ruins of what was his home. He walked into Hugo Qway’s office to find the pistol he keeps taped to the bottom of his desk gone and a Liberty without a head. He searched the Liberty to find he was the leader of this operation, he had a note with all of the details of their plan. Richard read the details and found that they were after him, and their employer was none other than Charles Striker. The man who had sent him to Ridgetown. Why did he want Richard dead? Was he working for somebody, a New Brooklyn mob boss perhaps? Richard heard the sounds of footsteps down he hall, somebody was going to walk right past Qway’s office and the door was wide open. He dived under the desk just as they walked past. He saw their feet and lower legs and identified them as Liberties. He took out his revolver and pulled the hammer back. He walked out of the room and down the hallway after them. They had stopped right past the corner so he walked quietly along the gray, cement wall. When they got into earshot he heard them say:
“Are we really going through with what this Striker guy wants?”
“You will unless you have a death wish. That guy controls almost everybody in Aban, everybody who has ever betrayed him is dead.”
“Well you’re not the boss, Lady Liberty is and she almost always have us betray our employers.”

Richard who was listening closely over balanced and made a loud thudding sound as he slammed into the wall.
“What was that?”
“I don’t know.”

They turned the corner and opened fired on Richard with their assault rifles. He dived to the floor, bullets flying above his head and shrapnel falling everywhere. He fired off four shots, killing both of them. He heard shouts in the distance, he had to get out of there. He grabbed one of the assault rifles and ran down the halls that would lead him to the main exit where his money is. He heard the sound of boots on cement in front of him as he neared the door that lead to the main room.
“Good thing she had as come back, somebody is here.”
“Excellent, alright privates, scatter around and find this man.”

He heard somebody heading towards his door. He flattened himself against the wall and pulled out his knife. The mercenary walked by without seeing him and closed the door. Richard cut his throat and the man died instantly. He took his ammo and opened the door slightly. Outside were three mercenaries. One of them was easily distinguishable as the leader, he had the most pins and was yelling at the other two. Richard opened the door the entire way and walked slowly and quietly across the room in the dim lighting. As he reached the door he picked up the sack of money, that was hidden from view behind the door, and went up the stairs. He made almost no sound as he went down the small hallway leading to the junkyard and the outside world.

Richard had walked down the decomposing streets of New York City until he reached the Brook Bridge within an hour. As he walked up he saw that only Qway was left. There were three or four others but they were dead now.
“Richard! I’m so glad you made it.”
“What happened to them?”
“We had a run in with some raiders, they weren’t much of a fight. The survivors that is.”
“Liberties attacked the Scrayper, the man Charles Striker who had hired me to go to Ridgetown had sent them.”
“Yeah, I told him you would probably be back soon when he came asking for you.”
“When was that?”
“Four days ago.”
“I had a rough time these past few weeks, but I need to get to Aban. I’m going to avenge everybody he killed in the Scrayper.”
“You’ll get killed.”
“I don’t care.”
“Then I’m coming to. I’ve still got some energy left, and that was my arena he destroyed.”
“No it’s to dangerous.”
“You’re the one who’s going there, knowing it’ll kill him. I’m going whether you like it or not.”
“Alright we leave at dawn.”

Part three will be out soon.