Reeder F3 RP

Post » Mon Mar 14, 2011 2:25 pm

Ok so I thought I would have a go at writing a little story. Any feedback is greatly appreciated, and I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Depending on feedback, I may continue writing more, since I have some other ideas as to what else I can do with this main protagonist and how I want to flesh him out more.



January 08, 2077. Mother, called me into the living room today. Beside her was my Auntie and my Grandfather. Mum was crying, as she tried to compose herself she told me my Father has been killed defending Alaska from the Reds. I held her hand but I fought back tears. Maybe they have it wrong perhaps they have the wrong person? And my father is still alive.

January 09, 2077. Haven't eaten anything today. I keep looking at my fathers Army picture.

January 10, 2077. Finally felt like eating today it was hard to swallow. The war in Alaska is over. My Father died two days before the end. But knowing we beat those Reds and my Father played a part is rea.............


"God Dammit! Water has smudged the words" the man said loudly. Slamming the book shut!The spine cracked, and dust filled the air, irritating his eyes. A lone tear drop landed on the tatterd book. Reaching for his bag he begun to unstrap the buckles. Releasing the first buckle from it's incarceration, he proceeded to un fasten the second. The buckle snapped. Causing the contents of the bag to mingle with the rubble covered floor.

Letting out a deep sigh, he slowly lowered himself onto the floor. Checking the area for sharp objects. (He knew all to well that a cut no matter how mild could become infected.) Finally after a few moments he had managed to recover all of his effects. Placing them back in the bag. He stood back up. "Let's not forget the book" he muttered. Enslaving the book in his bag.

Picking the bag up he shock it violently! "Good no rattling." He started to fasten the buckle and knot the two ends of the broken buckle together. Placing his hand in his right pocket, he removed a small metallic object. "AHHHH CRAP! 13:50, 30 minutes of sunlight left."

His movement started to become more brisk! Locating the exit from the room peering out hesitantly. Scanning the long dark corridor, for any signs of life.

He often wondered what these husks of concrete and steel must of looked like in all there grandeur. Reaching the end of the corridor a ghastly Screech! Echoed the tranquil abyss, stopping him dead in his tracks. Feral's!!

His heart raced, his mind planned and his eyes pierced the dark, looking for any signs of motion. Placing his back against the corridor wall he started to move slowly. Suddenly a loud crunch deafened his ears, this sound was of his own doing, a broken Nuka-Cola bottle! Succumbing to his weight.

The screech repeated, only this time it was accompanied by footsteps. The footsteps grow louder and with more pace. "I gotta get out of here" he said. starting to run through these concrete catacombs, glancing behind he saw the source of these horrid noises.

"Dead end" he shouted. Looking around he noticed a door to one side of the corridor, making a run for it he grasped the handle and tried to turn it. In the corner of his eye he could see the Feral closing "Come on open!" Suddenly the door opened. The Feral screeched the door creaked, falling to the floor he watched as the Feral fumbled with the handle. Breathing a sigh of relief he stood back up. "Hahahaha thought you could catch me you dumb bastard"
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remi lasisi
 
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Post » Mon Mar 14, 2011 11:00 pm

Nice story: it has awesome vivid imagery, but it could do good for some figurative language, course that's a little opinion based. Most of the problems I had with this particular story were the grammar errors: not using commas when ya should have, using them when you shouldn't, miss placed apostrophe, over use of the exclamation mark. Seems like a big list, but they were little things, some tips.
He stood back up. "Let's not forget the book" he muttered.


When your pointing out who is saying what, you replace the period with a comma. Also notice how you could easily mend that puny sentence, the dialogue, and the part after all together. Like so...

He stood back up, "let's not forget the book," he muttered.

Like so. See what I did there? Try to remember this rule, it excludes "!" and "?".

Instead of having periods after the dates in the book entries, put colons.

His movement started to become more brisk!


You do NOT need that exclamation mark. There used sparely only needed for showing the direness of the situation, use them too much and they become ineffective. A simple period would suffice here. What so urgent about a brisk pace, anyway? "OH NO! He's moving at a brisk pace! For the love of God, someone stop him!" The urgency in this silly message shows a good place to use exclamation marks. So cool it down with the "1" key my friend.


Some other minor stuff I don't feel like mentioning, simply because it is little and it's not like your be going to have people pay to read this so it doesn't have to be perfect. I spotted a potential flaw, but I can't be sure until you make more.

Back to the story...Nice way to open the story, hooking the reader in, followed by some action made it easy to get svcked in. The good break up of paragraphs made it easy to follow, so good job. It is promising. And by the way, just so you know, this is not a Role Play, it's a fanfic. In case that's why you have RP in the title.

Good Luck.
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Philip Lyon
 
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