Hope Lost

Post » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:29 am

Hello! I haven't done much at all on the forums in a while, mostly because my previous fanfiction died...
However, I had an idea for a new one, one about the Enclave controlling DC.
Enjoy! Or maybe...be depressed? The story is a bit depressing...

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Introduction
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The Lone Wanderer, along with the Brotherhood of Steel had failed to stop the Enclave.

The battle had not gone well. As soon as the crane had lifted Liberty Prime from the Citadel, the Enclave's Vertebirds had bombed it to rubble, and they had eliminated the Brotherhood's main advantage, crushing their enemy's morale. The soldiers of Lyons Prids had fallen after countless carpet bombings covered the highway to the memorial. The Citadel was now under attack as well. The Enclave had eunleashed an unstoppable horde of power armor-clad soldiers, all heading for the headquarters of the Brotherhood. Paratroopers fell into the courtyard and there were bombs being dropped on the walls. The Enclave was winning, and everyone could see it. The Brotherhood began to retreat, and headed towards Rivet City, hoping to take defensive positions against the Enclave, but they weren't wuick enough, as there were Enclave soldiers waiting for them. Majority of the Brotherhood dead, the Lone Wanderer took Sarah and escaped to Megaton, while the remnants of the Brotherhood dispersed, and fleed to other settlements.

In the next few weeks, the Enclave had invaded most of the towns in the Wasteland. All seemed lost, but many resistances appeared. Former Brotherhood soldiers, Outcasts, former Enclave soldiers, even Raiders, fought to stop the Enclave, but none of them could. The Capitol Wasteland waited, and prayed for their saviour, the Lone Wanderer, to save them. But unlike before, he never showed up.

The next few months became worse, entire towns were wiped out, and the "impure" were killed on the spot. Vault 101 began to take refugees, and Megaton was being protected by the Outcasts, but no where was safe. Agents would capture people at night and turn them in for money. The Enclave had assumed almost complete control.

Two years later, and there was almost no resistance. The only people who opposed the Enclave had to keep out of sight, to avoid being caught. People began to give in to the Enclave, accepting defeat. Megaton was no longer safe. Vault 101 was opened, and became the Enclave's city. Outside of the Vault entrance the Enclave had built a new city, and had restore Springvale, calling it "Eden".

There was no hope left. Another year and resistance had disappeared altogether. Poverty was common in all the settlements, and everyone was poor. The only way to get support from the Enclave was to prove that you were "pure", in otherwords, free of mutation. Because this was rare however, few people were accepted into Enclave cities. There was no hope.

Hope was lost.
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Kelsey Anna Farley
 
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Post » Mon Mar 14, 2011 6:27 pm

nice idea,maybe correct some errors hear and there,but your biggest issue is common

MORE
DETAIL!

tell us how the enclave pushed through! tell us what happened to the inhabitants of Vault 101! what happened to Rivet City?

its those little details that make a story! this has a potential to be good!

also..im pro brotherhood so,i think you should make it the enclave dies a horrible death
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CArla HOlbert
 
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Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:35 pm

Post » Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:56 am

YEAH! WAY TO GO SHEET! WOO HOO! BACK FOR A SECOND ROUND!

Pardon my enthusiasm, I know your last fanfic didn't go so well. Maybe it was overshadowed by Colonel's piece, but I'm here to read this one. And what a read it is...

Instant hoker, the first line pulled me in, like it' suppose too. You don't want someone going like "ugh, how boring" on your first paragraph. I like preludes opposed to prologues my self, and this one was nice. From the beginning, it was flat out "NO HOPE" and made sure that the setting the story was contained in was bleak. It sets the stage for a depressing world, maybe ripe for a revolution, since the odds are so stacked.

A couple minor problems,

wuick --> quick

months became worse --> months were worse.

Capitol Wasteland waited --> Capital Wasteland waited. I know, I'm being a technical ass.

Small stuff like that. Easily remedied. Also, you might want take out that "few" people could get in and put none. Cause few gives a sliver of hope, hope is something miraculously, us humans find the smallest amount and will put all of our faith in it. For absolute
no hope, get rid of it. Other than that...It...Was...Awesome!

Good Luck.
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K J S
 
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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:50 am

Post » Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:18 pm

nice idea,maybe correct some errors hear and there,but your biggest issue is common

MORE
DETAIL!

tell us how the enclave pushed through! tell us what happened to the inhabitants of Vault 101! what happened to Rivet City?

its those little details that make a story! this has a potential to be good!

also..im pro brotherhood so,i think you should make it the enclave dies a horrible death


Not really. It's a prelude, those set up the story without giving away too much of the plot, adding too much detail can ruin it. That stuff your saying can be said later on, or not at all. You don't want to give out too much of the plot in the prelude, and besides we already know what happened with Vault 101. I can kind of agree with you with Rivet City, but I wouldn't care if he didn't.

Detail is important, 'cept not so much at this part of the story. Next chapter is when it's to the imagery.
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Alan Whiston
 
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Post » Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:39 pm

Alright, thanks guys! I'm not sure when I'll have chapter 1 up, but I hope it'll be soon!
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Antonio Gigliotta
 
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Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:39 pm


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