Chapter One-ROLL CALL!

I was imagining myself inside my family's shack in Angel's Boneyard,the raiders were gone,the NCR,after the victory at Hoover Dam,asserted full control in the homefront,i saw the NCR troops patrolling in the rubble,with the occasional shop and shack every few blocks.
Then,i snapped back to reality,i could hear the bugle

"ROLL CALL!" yelled someone in a tent,we all got dressed in our Fatigues,we didn't see much action,except for the Legion stranglers hiding in South Vegas,thinking it was safe.

Roll call went on YABLONSKI? HERE SIR! PARKERS! HERE! JEFFERY? HERE SIR! then it was my turn

"MURRAY?" Yelled the CO

"HERE SIR!" I replied

"Good,everyone is present,back to your tents." Said the CO,Colonel James Hsu

It had been awhile since i had been to the Strip,the NCR authorized The Lucky 38 to be turned into a new Casino,and Freeside had been accumulated into the Strip,the NCR opened up many new shops,houses,a recruitment post,and a load of NCR positions.The NCR was getting alot of more men,and money as a part of that.Captain Marie Pappas,a NCR officer,was posted as the leader of MPs in Freeside.Colonel Moore was postitioned into the "The Governor Of New Vegas."

Chapter Two-A little like home

Soon,alot of men,including myself,got pulled to Goodsprings,a prospering town to the south.The Brotherhood had done a good job keeping the I-15 clear for traders.We soon got the idea Goodsprings would be undefended in case the Legion came back,so about 20 men,including engineers to build a outpost building.Little did we know,that that move would put some people out of a job.As i got packed up and we traveled down I-15 on a train that was made and renovated by NCR.Alot of transit lines ran all over the Mohave.I was sitting next to a girl,she couldn't have been more than 20.

"Hello." She said in a shy voice "Where are you headed?"

"Goodsprings." I replied "You?"

"Funny,so am i,i need some money,i lost mine all on the Strip." she replied "So,whats your name?"

"Jonathan...Jonathan Murray." I replied,trying to look away,i focused on the Camp Black,Situated on Black Mountain,the NCR used Radiation suits up there.

"Anne." she replied

Then my squad leader,Major Frank Burns,told us we had to hop off,that we needed our exercise,so we did.

Frank was a sort of all army man,he didn't tolerate "un-military things".

"MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!" He barked as we ran past Sloan.

After about 3 hours of running,we made it to Goodsprings.

The engineers had already been there,and they had set up a outpost in the old Schoolhouse,they had made a second floor,and had set up comms,made the armory,and were just making the place a little like home.

A little like home....i wish i had some rubble i thought.

Chapter Three-Maybe

After about a month of watching settlers come to Goodsprings,set up houses,and farm lands,we got bored of sitting around at a guard post at the road up toward Goodsprings checking every person,including children
for explosvies and/or threats against NCR.Anne,the girl i met on the train,would occasionally stop by at my guard post to give us water.

"Thanks!" said my partner,Bob Yablonski,a nice fellow.

"Thank you." i said to Anne as she gave me a water.

Then she stopped,and looked,she had a Thousand Yard Stare,she looked in the distance,i saw a Legion Banner waving in the distance

"Think they can waltz back into the Mohave eh?" i mumbled

I reached for a flare,which was suppose to be fired,it could be seen from McCarran and Hoover Dam,along with Mohave Outpost.I shot it

the Goodsprings natives militia,and NCR garrison prepared of an assault.

"Suicide is painless." I said,referring to our units motto.

We charged the Legion Camp,Anne,who was part of the charge,quickly saw the carnage of a battle.

I was struck in the stomach by a Legion Machete,who unfortunately,was doused with poison from a Bark scorpion,and a Cazador,i stood up,defying the odds against me,but i quickly fell,the last thing i heard before i blacked out was

"MURRAY IS DOWN,GET THE MEDIC!!"

The last thing i saw was Anne,doing a old pray over my body,i saw Follower's do it to people who were ill.

I could hear her under the shooting

"Extreme Unction is a sacrament of the New Law instituted by Christ to give spiritual aid and comfort and perfect spiritual health, including, if need be, the remission of sins, and also, conditionally, to restore bodily health, to Christians who are seriously ill; it consists essentially in the unction by a priest of the body of the sick person, accompanied by a suitable form of words."

Chapter Four-Of Their own Accord

The Legion stormed the Mohave,killing,[censored],pillaging town after town.I didn't know if i was alive or not when i woke up

"Where am i.....?" i said weakly as i woke up in a MNCRASH (Mobile NCR Army Surgical hospital)

"He can talk! Hes awake! Get him into Post-Op!" yelled someone

I could see wounded men inside the OR,many of the dead given Last Rites and dumped outside in a pit.I could see Anne through the window in post op,acting as a honorary Corpsman.

I then saw a bunch of Artillery shells rain down from somewhere i couldnt see,then,one struck the compound,killing or wounding anyone there.

I could see Anne,crawling toward the OR and Post-Op Building.

Chapter Five-NO!

I soon found myself on my feet,with a Automatic Service Rifle,a prototype,and civilian Leather Armor holding back tides of legionaries.

"Last mag!" i yelled over the carnage

"Copy,last mag!" someone next to me yelled

Then,the legion stopped suddenly,i radioed Camp McCarran,who didn't believe that the legion was there,i radioed Hoover Dam,who DID believe that the legion had gotten through,and they sent doctors,engineers,and Rangers down to help us

Chapter Six-She's paralyzed

I learned that Anne had been hit in the spine,she didn't feel anything,she could still talk,she told me that she wanted to go home,to Shady Sands

"You will be home soon." i said to her,knowing her last words were probably going to be coming out

"That sounds nice.....very nice...." she said as her eyes rolled back,she died in my arms,just as the legion broke through our lines.

Okay man, most of my advice still stand. For one, slow down. A mean this in the post size, it's okay to have short entries, but this is just ridiculous. Hold and wait, you could have easily combined all of your chapters into one chapter right now.

You also need to capitalize your "i''s, space words after commas, and proper ellipses dot numbers(three).

That will make the story easier to read for others and might result in more comments. Anyway, most of my advice still stands, and I don't feel like copy and pasting.

Not to say this isn't good, it just needs some work to make it fully enjoyable.

First Person isnt my talent,id rather stick to 3rd person,anyone agree?

Heed Yttrium's advice, man.