The Heroes of Quincy

They came at night and took me from my bed. They put a bag over my head and carried me through the streets. Gunfire and screaming filled the cold night air which was penetrated by horrible animal howls. They took the bag off me and tossed me against the wall of a small dark room that became my prison.

I could hear what could only be monsters alongside those that were attacking my town. I could hear them laughing as someone from my town was begging for his life, followed by horrible screaming as flesh was ripped apart and bone crunched by powerful jaws. Worst part of it all was the stomach churning sound of the attacking men joining their beast in the feeding.

I don’t know how long I was in that prison of a room. I did not eat the food I was given for only a monster would consider what was given to me food. I cried till I could not cry anymore. I was so worried about what happened to my mother and friends that I started throwing up.

Why were they keeping me alive? Was it because my mother is the mayor? I could not think of any other reason other than they seemed to take pleasure in threatening to eat me as well as seeing when my hunger would finally get the best of me. How long have they been watching our town?

I am ashamed to admit it but after what had to have been days my hunger had finally gotten the better of me. As I gazed down on the “food” I was given, I heard the explosion and gunfire and the sound of inhuman screams of pain and bodies being shattered. Gunfire came close to my prison accompanied by the death screams of the monsters.

I knelt up in front of a cabinet, keeping my head down on my knees, trying to protect my ears. It became really quiet for what seemed ages when the voice of a man yelled “all clear!” The sound of heavy booted footsteps grew louder until the owner of those heavy boots was standing in front of the door. A key was put into the lock and the knob slowly turned. I closed my eyes in fear. A deep voice called out “She’s alive! Stitch, get over here."

When I opened my eyes I saw my first brotherhood soldier. He was wearing blood spattered metal armour, holding a fearsome weapon. He looked at me and said “you must be Evite.” A second man appeared in the door way, a doctor’s bag by his side. The left side of his face was scarred by fire at some point in his life. “Stitch here will make sure you’re well enough to remain here for now” said the man in metal armour.

Stitch looked me over and checked for any “damage” as he called it. He looked over at the man in metal armour standing guard at the door. “Sir, she’s in one piece, she just needs some food and water.” Stitch reached into his bag and gave me the much needed food and water. He then stood up and joined the other man at the door.
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“Stay here until we say its ok to come out, is that understood?” said the metal armoured soldier. As the two were about to leave the room and once again close the door I yelled “wait!” The two stopped in their tracks. Stitch nodded his head to the man he called Sir and left the room. Questions came flooding out of me. “What happened to my mother? What about the others?" The soldier turned to me and said, "that my mother was safe and soon the other town’s people will be saved."

He turned to go once again when I asked him about the ghouls “Will you help the ghouls?” He stopped dead in his tracks without even turning to look at me he said coldly “didn’t plan on it.”

Anger boiled in me and I yelled “why the HELL not!? They’re my friends!” Just then a women’s voice called out “Sir we need to get moving!” Without looking back the Soldier said “If I have time, just stay put.” He closed the door and re-joined the others.

Waves of emotion gripped me. I ran to the door so I could plead to the soldier to help my friends but it was once again locked. I kicked and screamed at the door for them to help my friends. My mother was safe, I was safe, relief began to wash over me. I fell to the floor laughing and crying at the same time. I had lost my appetite and could do nothing else but worry for my friends.

Ages seemed to pass before once again the door opened. A blonde young woman wearing leather armour came into the room and told me it was ok for me to come out now. She turned and started walking out of the room. I tried to run after her but could not do better than a shuffling walk due to my hunger induced weakness. I noticed for the first time that I was imprisoned in the town hall. I managed to shuffle my way out the doors into the street where a crowd was starting to gather.

My mother came running up to me and gave me a big hug. “You’re safe! Everyone is safe thanks to them.” She turned and pointed to a group of five soldiers huddled around a sixth that was laid out on the ground, the town’s people cheering but keeping a respectful distance from the soldiers. “What about the ghouls? Did they save them as well?” My mother smiled and nodded.

I ran over to the soldier in metal armour. Without thinking I hugged him “thank you for saving my friends, thank you”. He looked down at me coldly, then eyed the soldier on the ground, it was Stitch, and he was bleeding badly the others trying their best to stop it. He gave me a faint smile then looked away.

The crowd began to grow and soon the town was celebrating their liberation from the monsters. The six brotherhood soldiers did not stay to join in the celebration. It would be the last time the people of Quincy celebrated the Brotherhood.

I'm ridiculously tired, but since this seems to be your first fanfic, I'm going to do a five minute review.

Good. Great even. Couple flaws, missing quotations, missing commas, missing capitalization. Those things are the minor aspects, but they can become major in copious amounts, fortunately your the good grammar type, so nothing too bad. If no one else catches them by the next time I'm on, then I'll point them out.

Your diction is solid enough, I should have to read something only once to get the image, and you delivered. Mostly, there were some spots here and there that were I little hard to understand, but I'll go over those some other time, when I'm not falling onto my keyboard. I think this could use more figurative language, or at the very least a little more description on at least the soldiers; blood splattered armor and scars hardly distinguishes someone. Height, weight, and all that basic jazz would be nice.

Once again, I really need sleep, I'll deliver more tomorrow or the next day, that's my promise. \

Good Luck.

Any feed back is good feed back. Good the bad and the Ugly. I am an take it. I just want to know if I should continue trying to write fan fiction or not.

What I am impressed with the most, is the accuarcy you potrayed the Quincy Hostage Crisis. You obviously played the game, and remembered that the most advance armor you could get at that point in the game was metal armor. You even mentioned one of the real characters available to the player. Very good!

I also like that last sentance. The Brotherhood rarely could stay on the good side of the people for long. Brotherhood occupation was simply too hard. It was almost like trading one group of raiders for another.

You did good capturing the feel of the Quincy hostage crisis. I'm interested to see where this goes.

'The Terms'

It had been three days since our town’s liberation. We celebrated till the first rays of sun began to illuminate the carnage of the evening’s battle. The men of Quincy started the burial of our dead and the burning of the monsters. In those three days I slowly regained my appetite but I have been having nightmares, so I have been sleeping in my mother’s bed.

I had just finished setting the table for the evening meal with my mother when we heard a low thundering growl from outside, it stopped outside of our house. My mother and I raced to the window, there was a car out front. I have never seen a working car before. The doors opened, an old man with silver hair wearing a dark purple robe edged in gold stepped out. Followed by a steel giant, taller than any man with greatly exaggerated proportions, it had no face, just red glowing eyes and swept back horns. In its hands it carried a weapon as long as I am tall.

I stepped back in fear, I wanted to run away but my mother stopped me. “Don’t worry dear they’re Brotherhood” she said with a smile “although I don’t know why they are here so early. I was told they would not be here till morning.”

The robed man walked up on to the porch and was about to knock, when mother opened the door. The old man was a little spooked but soon a wide smile came across his wrinkled face. His steel blue eyes indicating his smile was one of genuine delight.

“Greetings, I am Elder Jarvis.” Looking over his shoulder and pointing to the metal giant, “he’s paladin Alexander.” Turning back to my mother and I, “and you must be Mayor Hillary Eastwood. I am here to finalize the Brotherhood’s terms with the Mayor of Quincy, that being you” his smile remaining.

“What’s he here for?” I asked pointing at the metal giant. Jarvis looked at me. “I told you he’s Alexander and he is here for my protection. The other Elders insisted I take him with me. Noticing my fear toward Alexander, Jarvis began to explain “being around power armour all the time one gets used to it. Don’t worry child I assure you there is a man in there and he’s harmless, unless I give the order.” He said with a chuckle.

“You know it is not every day an Elder gets involved with matters such as this but this situation is unique and I would very much like to discuss it with you. Things need to be ready before the others come in the morning,” said Jarvis.

“I’ll be happy to discuss the matters with you but my daughter and I were just about to settle down for our evening meal” said mother.

Just then Alexander took a step closer to the door. Jarvis stuck his right arm out to stop Alexander; the smile left Jarvis’ face for a moment then slowly came back. “Oh my where are my manors? I’ll be happy to give you time to finish your meal. Meet Alexander and me at your office at the town hall in an hour.” Without waiting for a response he turned and started walking back to the car with Alexander close behind.

Mother and I finished our meal with few words, unsure of what to say. I offered to clean the dishes but mother asked if I wanted to come along. We dressed for the evening walk to the town hall. Mother gathered her notes and we walked together to her office.

To our surprise Jarvis was sitting at mother’s desk in her chair, Alexander standing to his left. “Hillary, please take a seat,” said Jarvis gesturing to the chair across from him.

Annoyance at Jarvis’ rudeness showed on mothers face for a brief moment before she took “her” seat facing him. “Your daughter, Evite may also have a seat if she likes,” said Jarvis gesturing at another chair by the office door.

“Excellent, now that we are all settled, let’s get down to business shall we? As I promised this is a unique situation” said Jarvis. Before my mother could respond Jarvis cut her off.

“The squad leader that helped liberate your town informed me that Quincy has a large Ghoul quarter does it not? Jarvis asked.

“Yes, Quincy does have a sizeable Ghoul population” said mother.

Jarvis smiled, “from the report we were given they too were saved from the Beast Lords and at the request of one Evite Eastwood” He paused and looked over at me with a smile.

“I want to thank your daughter for helping tip the scales of a long and often heated debate among the elders of the Brotherhood. We are not like our western brothers. We see the need for new blood. Some Elders including myself wanted to include Ghouls, for they can help us greatly due to their unique physiology. They can do special missions that would require a lot of valuable anti-radiation medicine for humans.” Jarvis explained.

“Of course there were objections, that hardhead Barnaky for one. The report of how well the Ghouls handled themselves in the battle, have convinced enough Elders to allow Ghouls into the Brotherhood. Now I have been going on for too long. Thank you” said Jarvis.

“Now Mayor Eastwood, for the exchange for our protection the Brotherhood will require 35-40 percent of your annual harvest. In the morning quarter master Caligari’s team will do a full inventory of everything in the town of Quincy. They will decide what else will be needed for the Brotherhood.”

Mother looked shocked; she waited a moment in disbelief before finally saying “I never agreed to this.”

Jarvis’ smile faded. Leaning back in my mother’s chair making a quick glance toward Alexander then back toward mother, he tented his fingers. “You accepted our offer of help and protection. We told you it was not going to be free.”

“But what you’re asking for is too much, we can’t afford to hand over that much food to the Brotherhood and I can’t ask my people to hand over their belongings to you” said mother.

“Must I remind you that your town would be lorded over Beast Lords, your daughter dead or worse?” said Jarvis, his smile gone and is demander now darker. Alexander’s presence made the room feel very tiny.

“The Brotherhood has had its eye on Quincy for some time now and we are more than happy to share our technology with this town. We can help you grow more crops. We won’t let the people starve and we will provide protection, but the Brotherhood requires manpower and supplies in return.”

“Manpower?” asked mother.

Jarvis leaned forward “Yes, manpower. The Brotherhood requires soldiers for the push west and we also need people to manufacture weapons and ammunition. The people of age in this town will be encouraged to sign up for duty with the Brotherhood; those deemed fit enough will begin training.

Ghouls will be sent for special training. Do not concern yourself, I will make certain Barnaky will not be given command of them. One can only speculate at what ‘missions’ he will send them on.” Looking mother in the eye then toward me, “your daughter will be exempt of course.” Jarvis leaning back in mother’s chair, “these are the Brotherhood’s terms.”

“This is a lot to take in; you’re not leaving me any room for negotiation here. I have not been able to get much of a say in any of this” said mother.

“Mayor, there is no negotiation here. I am here as a courtesy, to tell you the Brotherhood’s terms and to get your approval. If it were not for your daughter’s help in settling the Ghoul debate, I would not be here to give you these terms at all. Like I said Elders do not normally concern themselves with these situations” said Jarvis.

Mother looked into Jarvis’s eyes, “and if I don’t agree to the Brotherhood’s terms?”

Jarvis smiled coldly at mother for a moment, then tilted his head at Alexander “We have other ways of getting the things we want.”

Mother went pale, she looked back at me with fear in her eyes. Without looking back at Jarvis she said, “The people of Quincy accept your terms.”

Can you connect them with a...comma? I think it would look better that way, my personal view.


That would be really helpful, if we knew how tall you were...You never told us, thus we don't have anything to reference.


You could change that period to a comma.


If that's how it is going, then add a comma.



Cooooooommmmmmaaaaaaa.



I won't say it.

Besides all that, you handled the dialogue masterfully. Above and beyond my standards for this site, I must say I was impressed. I've never had heard about the "Quincy Hostage Crisis", and after it was mentioned, I went and looked up. Suffice to say, I already expected what was going to happen, thanks to your fanfic, and it was surprising accurate. Even more so it adds depth, more emotion, and a new perspective on things. Great going, keep it up.

Good Luck.

Thank you for the help with commas. Made a change "In its hands it carried a weapon as long as I am tall, five and a half, maybe six feet in length." Not sure if it flows well.

I also removed "It does."

Again thanks :foodndrink:

Now that sounds like the Midwestern Brotherhood of Steel.

Styles... You have pleased my need to read a fan-fiction..