Finally after such a long time, and series of preparation. I have finally written enough and edited to a sad semblance of a book. I have decided to post a small three chapter preview here to see what people say. This is the first draft, and the later part of the book changes style pretty significantly. However it is by far better than the rough draft I completed a month ago. Warning there will be tons of grammatical problems, I'm on revision and not editing if that makes any sense. Though this is the first draft of editing as a whole. But I digress.

Edit (19/1/2011)
If I post any further work it will most likely not be in the first post. Just for any new comers.

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Chapter 1

The tall Yslarmi trees are casting the forest road with shadows, but light shines through patches in the canopy giving the dark an eery glow below the tops of the trees. There is a forest road which continues deep into the immense forest before disappearing around a bend.

A small man in extravagant and rich looking green robes was quickly walking down the earthen road with barely a sound coming from his booted feet. He feels the small pouch on his belt and smiles when he hears the metal inside. He is at times hard to see as his brown skin and black hair hide him among the shadows. Despite the gloom around him he is humming a small tune to himself as he follows the simple dirt road. It took the man several hours of walking before he finally set his eyes upon his destination. He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and looked at the drawing of a building. He held it up to the one now down the road from him, and satisfied he put the piece of paper back in his pocket.

He made his way to the outside of the building, and up close he could now see that it was an inn. He read the name of the inn out loud to himself “The Comfy Grove”. A small snort accompanied this name, despite this small protest he still entered the building. Inside he immediately seen that the first level was just one giant room with a check in desk doubling as a bar and stairs leading to the upper levels. All around this were tables with the most dense cluster near the fire place. A little girl was cleaning the counter and watching him as he came in. Only a few other patrons were here in this dingy and dark little tavern. He couldn't make out any of them through the gloom, but that didn't matter. He walked up to the girl cleaning the counter.

“Hello Miss, I would like to get a room for the night. I was also told that I would be meeting a Mr. Magnus. I will have a bottle of your best wine while I wait for you to bring him.” His tone was that of bored formality.

The girl hopped off into another room in the building, as she walked away she spoke up to him “Ill go get daddy.”

While waiting for someone to help him the man in the green robe looks around the room. With his eyes adjusting to the light he sees that there are more people in the room than he first thought, and they were all staring at him with dislike. He couldn't figure out why they were staring at him with such scorn, and brushed their behaviour off on the drinks and idiocy. As he looked it was with purpose for a particular someone, and this someone was told to meet him here.

Disappointed that his contact wasn't waiting for him in the open he walked over to a table as far from the commoners as he could, and this just so happened to be the furthest one from the door and plopped himself down. He noticed a few snicker as a few of the patrons seen how short he was. Eventually the girl reappeared with a man who could only be her father. He brought a small glass bottle of wine and a simple wooden cup to drink from, and he left quickly seeing the small mans glare and only gave a curt answer about his earlier request.

“A Mr. Magnus is not currently here. I'm afraid you must have arrived earlier than you expected.”

After this the man sat watching the door drinking his wine. After an hour of waiting the man he was looking for stepped through the door. He was immense, or looked immense compared to the ratty sickly commoners. He could literally be described as a knight in shining armour, he strode into the room with an air of chivalry and honour about him. His steel blue eyes spoke of justice, and the hand on his sword told he was not hesitant to enforce it. He was young, only in his early twenties and the man could tell right away he was from Shornaren due to his skin tone. The whole look screamed of a man who would honourably give his life for the greater good. A small chuckle escaped the green robed man in the back, but he quickly stifled it and managed to pass it off as a cough.

Noticing him because he was the only one to make a sound at his entering, the knight turned to the man who made had chuckled to himself quietly upon his entry into the building. He strode over to the robed man and bowed his head for just a second.

“I am Magnus Virtus, and I was told to meet you here.” Out of a small pouch on his belt he pulled out a small worn paper that had a picture of the green robed man.

“Who in the name of all great magic are you? I was told to meet a mage, and you don't look like one. I'm not here to go save some damsel in distress, or go fight the injustices of the world. I was told meet up with a fellow magic user, and then travel with him to the academy. You got to be the wrong guy!”
In his anger he had stood up and had taken to leaning forward over the table

Magnus was temporarily confounded by the mans lack of manners and it took him a few seconds to regain his composure “Sir... I believe your confused. I am here to go to the academy as well. I am supposed to be your partner for the initiation test. It says so right here on this paper quite clear in black ink, and what I am to presume is the academy’s insignia..”

He waved the dirty parchment with the robed mans picture out in front of him. Falling for the bait the robed man grabbed it and read it rather quickly. His face falling more and more into disappointment the further down he got, and he even compared it to his piece of paper. Finally there was only one thing he could say to the irrefutable evidence. “Oh... well I am sorry. I just didn't expect a mage to look like a knight. It's just not very common... well not ever to my knowledge. My name is Raijang Stormrage by the way. Guess I forgot my manners there for a minute.”

Magnus just gives a small nod again “A pleasure, well we should get going to Murua like the letter says we should. There is still plenty of daytime hours left, and it looks like you have had a good rest. I personally do not feel too tired.”

Magnus turned around after saying this and started to make his way for the door, but he was abruptly stopped by Raijang. “Wait, what letter? The one I received merely told me to meet you here, and that I had been approved to take the initiation test into the academy.”

“We were sent two letters, the second one told me what to do after I had contacted you.” He held up another letter, this time not quite as worn and mangled. “This one tells us to head to Murua after meeting up so we can initiate the test.”

A look of anger crossed Raijangs face “What!? I would have completely missed that test and would have simply blundered off to the Academy. Do those fools not know how to simply send something? You would think with magic stupid little things like this wouldn’t happen.” He pauses to let out a small sigh of disappointment, and in a lower tone finishes “Oh well, guess magic isn't replacement for a brain.” Afterwords Raijang kicked a chair over in anger and disappointment. Much to his surprise the spindly and frail object broke when it hit the ground, and he let his job drop at how much ill fortune had just befallen him.

The barkeeper in the back who had been watching the two for quite some time was irritated at them for being so loud, and now they had broken property. Finally he had a reason to kick them out. He spoke up with a smug little smile on his face. “Hey! You two, get out of here!”

Taking that as his signal an immense man in the back got up and cracked his knuckles ominously. Clearly a foreigner as he was pale in this light, and he was immense and grotesquely strong looking at least by the locals standards. Each step he took made quite the impressive thud, and with small beady little eyes he looked down at the two new comers. Finally he pointed to the door “Out, now.”

Magnus had already put one step out the door, and he was cheerfully talking to Raijang “This is going to be amazing, I never had a good chance to learn...”
Looking around he noticed Raijang was not with him. Confused he turned around to see Raijang poking the large thug in the chest and yelling furiously at him. Now it was Magnus turn to let out a big sigh. He knew right now this Raijang fellow was going to be a whole whack of trouble.

“You, porkchop. Yes I hope you can understand me, and I hope for your sake your brain wasn't squished under all of that fat and muscle. I can do whatever I want, wherever I want. No damn foreigner is going to tell me to leave.” Raijang had barely finished his sentence when he was forced to duck the mans swing. A loud clunk resounded around the room coupled with his mixed curses as he smashed his fist into the middle of Magnus briastplate.

“Ugh, looks like they were right about wearing armour here. So uncivilized.” Magnus just looked at the man with sorrow as he was yelling and swearing to his hearts content from his blunder. He was naturally surprised when the man yelling turned his attention to Magnus and threw another punch at him. He had been prepared and grabbed the man's fist in mid swing and hurled him over his shoulder and into the same chair that had been smashed earlier. Of course the man now had collided into it's matching table as well, and it splintered into pieces and gave him a series of light cuts. All he could do was double over in pain on the floor and try not to move.

A barmaid in the back came out and ran up to Magnus “How dare you hit Kaelthas!” she brought her hand back to slap him, but he grabbed her wrist to stop her.
“Ouch! Your hurting me!” Out of instinct Magnus immediately let go, and in return got a slap from the other hand. The barmaid then whisked away with a nice smile on her face. It was only a moment or two before Magnus seen what she was smiling about. Looking around he could see every man in the room getting up and getting ready for a fight. From somewhere in the growing crowd a voice spoke up.
“Hands off my Jaina!”

“Your Jaina? Who the [censored] do you think you are? She's mine!”

“Nuh uh, she promised her love to me!”

“She gave her love to me! Heh heh”

Then all hell broke loose as fists went flying everywhere. A chair joined the fray as it flew through the air and slammed into some poor souls head. All Magnus could do was look around and try to defend himself as best as possible. It wasn't hard in such clunky armour to fight off more than half a dozen men. Some not even aiming for him. Pretty soon Kaelthas got back up and had ripped the front door off, he began swinging it into the crowd beating them all back. Magnus was knocking as many people out before they could get themselves killed. Somewhere in the madness of the fight Magnus dodged the door, and punched Kaelthas so hard he passed out.

Slipping off in the middle of a battle he didn't want he dexterously jumped over the bar and ducked underneath it. He began to drink a finely aged bottle of wine he had found. They must have been saving it for something, and if he hadn't found it and liberated it from their tyranny and idiocy Raijang couldn't forgive himself. The wine was amazing as he hadn't had the good stuff in many years since he had last been home. He was just about to take a sip after inhaling the aroma, but a piece of tooth fell right into the bottle with a small slashing sound. Cursing his luck he vaulted back over to the counter and into the conglomeration of people. The last thing he could see of Magnus was him beating someone who was throwing a door around.

“I'm going to kill the bastard that did it! Where is he?! I haven't had a drink of this in years.” With that he ran into the fray brandishing the now worthless bottle.

It was several minutes later that the guards entered through the now empty door frame of the bar. They all had their swords drawn, and were wearing the light leather armour Xiva so favoured. The leather long coats and padding’s protected them from any loose punches thrown at them. Green cloth wrapped around the lower part of their faces obscuring their faces. With hoods up so that barely any more than the eyes were visible. They looked more like frontier woodsman than a typical city guard. In they came, and soon the battle had ended. They only managed to pull Raijang off with no less than five men much to everyone's surprise.

The guards had let them off with a warning seeing their academy papers. In a morose and somber sounding voice Raijang spoke up while they slowly rode on their horses away from the inn “Such fine vintage gone. I will have to wait for weeks before I can taste it's sweet embrace once again. My taste buds yearn for it Magnus. Stupid commoner, and a foreigner too! Oh well these should do fine, not as good but fine.” He pulled out a few bottles of wine from under his robe. He uncorked one with a little flick of his finger and took a big gulp.

Magnus was just as disappointed and angry, but for entirely different reasons. “You are... pathetic! It was your mistake and you start a fight over it. Then you go and steal from them! If my application into the academy was not so paramount I would more than likely turn you in now. However your lucky, it is more important I get into the academy. Of all the people I just had to be partnered with it had to be you. Not even the end of hour two and we caused so much minor grief and misery.”

As they continued on down the winding forest road they could hear shouts from the inn growing smaller by the minute. “[censored]!”, “Dirty hoar!”, and “Why can't you boy's learn to share? I'm too much woman for just one man!”. Listening to these jovial departing comments, the two rode off down the road. Raijang with a big grin at the mayhem, and Magnus just staring forward trying to keep his sanity.

As the days wore on Raijang and Magnus continued on the road to Murua, one of only two trading cities in all of the land. After the fortnights previous incident discussion between them had been at an all time low. They both just wanted to get on with their lives, and get this test out of the way. Finally after such a long trip from his home country, and having nothing better to do Magnus gave a little sigh and spoke up.

“So, what can you tell me of our destination Murua?”

Caught off guard at the sudden sound Raijang was stunned for a second before coughing and speaking up “Oh, Murua? Right your a foreigner as well, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised at your lack of knowledge.”

Remembering some of his previous comments Raijang just gulped and continued on “Murua is one of only two trading cities in Xiva. It is distinct in that it is the only major city that allows foreigners to set up residence, well other than smaller little villages along the western borders of the forest. It is an immense market city, and tons of people flock there from all over the continent. Being one of the few people with real knowledge of magic has it's benefits. Despite our countries small size we gain more wealth in that single city than entire countries do. Everything we make is made with our magic, and what we make we perfect. So naturally people want the best.”

“Seeing as how I indulged you, now it is your turn to answer a question of mine. Your a Shornaren Mage? I thought magic was forbidden over there. I remember travelling through your lands before. I was treated with oh so much respect.”

Magnus looks more confident now that he has something to speak of “Yes, magic is forbidden in my country. If anyone is caught practising it you will be sentenced to death. So far I have been exempt, I have been using Kenat. Basically it is magic endorsed by the temples. If they found out about me coming to this academy they would most certainly send Templar after me.

Curiosity crept across Raijang's face “Templar? I head some nasty rumours about them. How do you know they aren't hunting you now?”

Magnus just looked at Raijang sternly “I know because they never fail. We would both be dead by now if they truly desired it. Which they would, but we're lucky they don't know I'm here.”

Their curiosity having been fed the two continued to ride down the forest road. Being told you would be dead at the hands of Templar is always a good way to end a conversation and Raijang was silent. Bored Raijang grabs his pack and rummages around in it before finally coming up with a bottle of whine. One of the many bottles he had taken from the inn. Uncorking it he began to drink with amazing zeal, and then soon after chug. He became less sure and more wobbly which was bothering his horse, and he had a giddy happy look on his face. Just as Raijang was starting to feel really good they noticed light coming from up ahead and around a bend in the road. Ahead of them they seen an immense bright blew and black lizard on two legs. A rider sat atop it in similar armour to the guards they seen back at the inn and in his arm was a torch. The raptor like mount had a hunger in it's eyes as it gazed about. Two front arms and hands loaded with razor sharp talons were eagerly twitching for the orders to kill.

Magnus reached for his sword at such an odd sight. Raijang just stared at it, and stumbled slightly as he almost lost his balance. To Magnus amazement the lizard and it's rider went rushing past at great speeds, Raijang just yawned. “Xivaidrome Rider, he must be part of the army. I wonder what a lone man would be doing out here. No matter, I remember there should be an inn about another mile from here. Near a nice little stream it would make a good resting area.”

Magnus wasn't put at ease by the explanation he had recieved “Does the Xivai army typically let their mounts run free like this?”

“No, but I think we're going to figure out why in a moment.” As he said this Raijang titled his head upward to tell Magnus to look.

They had just rounded the bend and spotted why the army trooper had taken off. A carriage was laying on the side of the road on fire. There was no sign of any dead people, but surrounding the wreckage were a large group of armed men looking through a pile of raided gear. They were tossing the junk into the fire to keep it going, and putting the valuables into their own pile.

All Raijang could whisper before getting in earshot of the men was “Pirates, Tziever gang. Very dangerous.”

The leader of the pirates, a rather small and well dressed dark man like any native of Xiva. The same couldn't be said for the others who were practically dressed in rags. They were all making moves to grab various weapons at the sight of the two new comers. The leader was quite inebriated and had to steady himself as he walked over to Raijane and Magnus. He was trying to draw his sword, but kept forgetting to grasp the handle and would just wave his arm stupidly wondering why his sword wasn't working.

“Have a look at these two fine gentlemen... men! Okay I'll cut you two a deal, give us your money, and we let you go with your lives. We have a lot of luggage and other stuff to sort through, so your getting lucky.” He was slurring his speech slightly, and they could smell the booze on him.

The leader of the pirates had been eyeing up Raijang and spotted his bottle “That wine looks mighty fine little man. How about that, and your money and we can call it a day! I'm parched from all o this looting.”

Raijang lifted up his bottle and held it in front of him, and as the small pirate leader was about to grab hold of the bottle Raijang let go. He and the gang leader just watched the bottle fall though the air and they could see each and every motion the bottle made before it crashed into the ground and shattered into hundreds of pieces. Raijang whispered one thing and only one to the man

“You can take my gold, and you can even take my crystals. You can take anything else I have on me, but there is one thing I will never let you take. No one ever takes my wine.”

The brigands all roared with laughter as the little man said this. Most of the men in the camp of brigands were at least a foot and a half taller than him. They were also all carrying various weapons from daggers to swords all the way to longbows, and they knew it had to be a joke from the little man. No one would be stupid enough to say something like that, and there was much glee and mirth as they were laughing and cackling at the mans stupidity and their bosses sad face as he was told off. Quickly they seen Raijangs stone cold serious face and the laughter died ominously, and despite incredulity of it they all knew he was dead serious. The stare was unnatural enough to unnerve them even.

Seeing an opening in the exchange Magnus stepped forward and spoke up to the group at large
“I know right now that I will not allow any of my goods to part with me only to end up in some lawless criminals hands. Leave now, or I will be forced to arrest you. It is not too late to just let us pass.”

The brigands were all roaring with laughter once again, and even Raijangs glare was not enough to subdue them. Out of the crowd of laughing men the leader stepped forward, and he had to force himself to stop laughing before he spoke up.
“Do you not know who we are? We are part of the Tziever gang! We practically control the shipping from the western boarders to the eastern ocean. I wouldn't expect some idiot Shornari criminal to know this...”

The leader of the gang never got to finish what it was he was going to say. Magnus didn't let him, and in once swift movement he raised his hand and yelled out a single word“Alura!”. The scene was bathed in incredibly bright white light. It blinded all in the area including Raijang. All of the pirates were yelling or screaming in rage at the sudden trickery. “Get them you idiots! Kill those two morons!”

The pirates all swung their weapons around hopelessly, and more than a few yells of pain joined those of anger. They were practically killing themselves. Although an archer in the back wearing a hood had not been blinded. He made his way around the mass of blind men who were swinging madly at anything. He was drawing his arrow, but before he could notch it in the bow his arms grew weak. Magnus had run him through, pulling his blade out the man fell to the ground limp.

By now the effects of the flash were wearing off the brigands had seen what chaos had transpired, and were even more furious. Slowly they began to reorganize and face the two opponents who were not as helpless as they had suspected.

“Magnus behind you!” as he was yelling this out Raijang thrust one of his arms out palm upward and an immense cone of flame burst forth from it. It scorched the ground and burned many helpless pirates caught in its fury. They stood still screaming in pain or otherwise tried to run. Only a few with some smarts had started to roll on the ground. The blast had nearly caught Magnus in it, but he was feeling forgiving considering the effect it had on their foes.

Seeing the brigands mages coming towards them Raijang held his hand out as though to tell them to stop. A shimmering light soon engulfed both of them in a sphere, and it was just in the nick of time. A bolt of lightening had struck the shield he put up. With a massive crackle and boom the two spells collided and Raijang was sent spiralling backwards across the ground. He could see more spells being slung at him and Magnus and he forced himself to focus on maintaining the shield. Fire soon joined the bolts of lightening until it looked like a storm from hell had engulfed them. All he could do was lay on the ground and try to keep his spell up. Soon it started to shimmer and little licks of flame would creep in. His shield faded and he blacked out and could see or remember nothing.

Dazed he opened his eyes, and for a second wondered if he was dead. He couldn't be as he still heard the fight happening all around him. Although now Magnus was standing over him, and the enemy mages were in vain attempting to work their magic. Magnus picked up Raijang and slung him over his shoulder. “We have to go, there are too many of them.”

“How did you do that?” his reply was faint.

Magnus didn't reply. He was fighting his way past the enemy to the other side of the road and freedom. He dragged Raijang off of his own horse and slung him over the back of his own horse. Magnus got his horse to charge them, and the move caught them off guard. Many were afraid to be trampled under the hooves and fled from the thunder hooves. Others were not so smart or lucky and had been trampled or cut down as Magnus made his escape.

“Raijang, we need that shield. Make it again, or we won't be able to survive and get out of range of their attacks.” He had his shield raised as he rode deflecting attacks where he could.

A small feeble shield appeared around them. It was barely noticeable, and it did not completely cover them. The horse was panting hard having to carry such a heavy load two riders and the gear and armour for one of them. It was having a hard time keeping the pace Magnus was forcing it to go. Many spells and arrows still hit the weak shield and dissipated or rebounded harmlessly in mid air. The shield was growing more faint and dimmer by the moment and Raijang's face was frozen in pain from trying to maintain the spell. Magnus could tell he was practically killing himself keeping it up as he was incredibly pale.

He changed his horses direction and urged it onward to the treeline. It was their only hope, and he was right on the threshold of it. Here the spell gave way and the shimmering completely disappeared. They made it into the trees and the horse neighed in pain and discomfort at going this fast into such a thick forest, and try as he might Magnus could not urge the horse to pick up its pace again. Spells hit the trees splintering them and sending shards of wood everywhere or igniting the undergrowth . Sometimes whole trees would be uprooted, it was a hurricane to ride through. They received many cuts and bruises from riding through at such speed. Soon the explosions and spells became less concentrated, more scattered and eventually faded away all together. All that could be heard in the distance was the forest being mutilated in rage.

The horse could finally run no more, and they rested in a small clearing of trees. Too small to call a grove, but big enough for the two of them and the horse to fit comfortably in. Raijang was moaning in a low tone from the pain, and was unconscious. He was tossing and turning as he slept. Though looking him over his colour was starting to come back and this put Magnus at ease knowing he would be fine. Much to Magnus surprise as he was giving him a check up Raijang did stir slightly and he spoke up “Aghhhh, you wouldn't happen to know any healing spells would you? As I recall you Shornari specialize in that sort of thing.”

“As a matter of fact I do know a few techniques for healing wounds. I can mend that quite easily.” As he walked over Raijang closed his eyes and looked away from the biggest wound to try and keep from thinking about it. A large sharp stick had been jabbed neatly into his shoulder during the escape. Magnus came over, gripped the stick quickly and yanked it out, unfortunately the shard was stuck in really good.

“Ahhhh [censored]!!! I thought you said you had a magic healing spell! All woosh and then I would be better with a little [censored] or something. This is more like a surgical procedure!” He was trying to keep himself from grasping at his arm.

“Hold still, it hurts less when you just stop moving. Then I can take it out in one tug.” He was waiting to grasp the shard again for the next attempt.

“Ahhh you don't know how to count apparently. You already had a first tug! So do you actually know how to do this stuff? Any sort of evidence at all?” His tone was condescending.

“Actually, I used to be a field doctor in the Imperial Army. They don't just let anyone be a field doctor in the army. I know what I'm doing. You just have to trust me.”

“Really? That's fascinating, but it would probably be better if you just cast a spell and woosh healed me... doc.”

“This is going to hurt” he grabbed the wood shard and pulled with both his hands this time. It came out, and so did several other comments about Magnus heritage from Raijangs mouth.

“Doctor my ass, you are more like a butcher!” Magnus waved his hand over Raijang's wound and whispered “Arola.” and with that Raijangs wound sealed slightly. It wasn't bleeding anymore, but it was raw and tender looking. It still looked like some skin needed to regrow as well. “You didn't do a very good job. I can still feel splinters in my arm. How far did we run anyways?”

“Far enough off the path that we are lost, that's all I know.” Magnus sighed “I'm sorry I was not able to heal your arm completely. I did not have any tools for the job, or any strength left to attempt to heal you better. If you didn't notice I am exhausted from that battle. Although give the magic some time, and it will get rid of the splinters.” Both were so tired from the fight that they did not even bother with a fire. Although with Xiva's warm climate this was not a problem, and they both just rolled over and fell asleep.


Chapter 2


They both awoke by mid morning. Magnus rather pleasantly, and Raijang muttering about how uncomfortable it was. They managed to rummage around their packs for a small basic meal, Raijang adding a sip of wine to his. Afterwards he seemed to cheer up immensely. Finally getting a chance to look around they seen the ground was a tangled mire of roots and shrubs. It was a miracle the horse had not broken a leg, or worse trip and send them to their deaths either by landing on them. Magnus was looking worried being this deep into the woods.

He decided to voice his concern “Is there anything else in these woods we should be wary of? I doubt the brigands will find us again, but that doesn't mean something else won't.”

“No, the woods in Xiva are quite safe. Just a bear, or perhaps a wolf or two will try going for a lone human. We are oddly blessed in that small way unlike other countries. Although this is only true for these western woods.Danger lurks in some of the more exotic locals of the country. Though I should think it's like that everywhere.”

Magnus was spinning around and trying to find the trail they made as they rushed into the woods. He was know woodsman, but he knew how to follow tracks that large. Theirs however were simply gone and the forest had decided it liked the idea of sealing them in overnight. Raijang was just watching Magnus and laughed at his behaviour. Hearing the laughter Magnus just spun around to face him with a deadly serious look.

“This isn't some game. We are seriously lost or something. Our tracks have just vanished.” He was still looking around as though he half expected the tracks to reappear before his eyes.

“They didn't disappear at all actually. They just got grown over top of, and I know we won't see any signs of the fire that occurred last night. By now the forest will have regrown there as well, and this is just the border woods to the west where the trees are more tame. It can get far worse in other areas where the trees are the most dangerous things around.” Raijang was just sitting and calmly waking up.

Magnus just sighed and picked a random direction and started to trudge on leading the horse gently and carefully through the growth. Raijang got up quickly and followed in silence, and so they walked. They seen some amazing trees, and some nice rocks, and they even seen some neat fungus. It wasn't long until they seen all these same amazing things for the fourth time that Magnus was starting to get irritated at how repetitive the scenery was. Raijang was just bored with the familiar, and after thirty more minutes of walking Raijang suddenly stopped walking and spoke up rather loudly.

“I remembered! I have a map!” He sounded happy he had remembered such good news.

“You had a map and you didn't remember!? I think all of that foul drink is affecting your brain. Wait, that's worse, you can remember to bring the wine and not remember the map. Why do I have a feeling the simple task of walking to a destination with you is one of those amazing headache moments.” He has his hand out ready and waiting to finally know where they were.

Raijang ignored his outburst, or perhaps genuinely didn't hear it as he had pulled the map out and was studying it. Magnus soon became bored holding his hand out and came over to look at the map as well. His face went from hopeful, to bored, to angry quite fast. Having a look at the map he knew right now there were no helpful landmarks to study in the middle of a forest. The map would be useless until they knew where they were. Magnus was just sitting and taking off his armour and was stiff from having it on for so long. As he was tying it to the packs the horse had a smile crept across Raijangs face.

“You wouldn't by any chance happen to know how to climb a tree would you?” All Magnus could do was sigh at what he knew was coming.

Magnus looked at Raijangs wounded arm and grumbled. He hitched up his sleeves on his shirt and began to climb the tree to the best of his ability. He was just thankful the tree had so much branches and they were most of them were thick enough to support his weight. It was an hour later and near the top of the tree that he realized just how hard climbing a tree was. He was just starting to wonder why this country had to have such massive and giagantic trees when perspiring and panting he got to the top and poked his head through the canopy.

Raijangs distant voice sounded from below “Please hurry up... up there. Pick up the pace and all that... encouragement stuff. Your taking way too long and too long of a delay and we might not make it to the city.”

Magnus yelled a reply back down “I would like to see you doing something productive!”

“I am! I'm reading a book on magic, think of it as studying!” Raijang feebly lifted a book and waved it not caring if the motion was noticed.” Afterwards he went back to reading.

Magnus was turning his head around in all directions and seen all around him the sea of green leaves. Far off in the distance he could spot where the brigands had made their camp because of the smoke still coming from their fires. There was no way to tell if it was deserted or not from up here, but he didn't want to take a chance.

“I see their camp, but I can't tell if its empty or not! Their camp is in that direction!” he pointed south back towards the road.

“Excellent! Let's get going immediately!” Raijang started to pack up what little he had unpacked, and within another minute was walking off in that direction.

“Do you think we can sit for awhile!? I just climbed a giant tree!”

Either Raijang ignored it, or did not hear. He continued walking on in the direction Magnus had indicated. With another sigh Magnus began to make his way back down the tree as fast as possible. He had to move quickly to catch up with Raijang, who had also taken the horse and was leading it carefully through the forest. Landing on the ground Magnus caught his breath for a moment before finally moving to catch up with Raijang and the horse. He was glad they had to move so slow with the animal so he could have a break. It took them half hour of walking before finally being able to see the first signs of the road through the trees and shrubs. .

They had come to the road a little further down the way than intended, as they had been walking parallel to it for several minutes before they caught a glimpse of it. The two were silent though as they knew the bandit camp wasn't all that far behind them and too much undue noise would alert them to their presence. Raijang had decided to check and make sure the way was clear first and once he was sure it was safe motioned for Magnus to bring the horse to the road. Magnus mounted the horse and set it walking down the road at a slow pace. He could tell the beast was happy to be back on solid ground as its steps were more sure. Raijang tried to get on as well but Magnus just sped up.

“Your turn to get some exercise. Besides the horse is probably tired, and it wouldn't do to have another rider on him until he regains his strength. Isn't that right Quicksilver.” He had a big grin on his face when he seen Raijangs look of anger.

They started to catch up on the missing hours of walk, and eventually Magnus decided to walk as well. He knew the horse must be incredibly tired after all of this work from the past day and night. The two walked on in silence for a time as they truly realized how different they were. It was only when the sun was starting to get low in the sky and Raijang looked bored out of his mind that he broke down and spoke up first.

“So what are you some kind of knight? Plate armour, a massive sword, shield, and of course your horse just completes the picture. Although I would have expected it to be armoured. Even the way you move, your just everything knight like so far as the tales from the merchants go.” His tone was neutral, and was having a hard time trying to decide if he was angry or glad.

“Thank you for the compliment, but no I am not a knight. I am a sunrell.” His voice is matter of factly tone, and he keeps riding on in silence.

After a minute with no additional information Raijang grew irritated “That sheds so much light on the question, I'm glad you answered it.”

“Your welcome” Magnus was formal and polite sounding.

Magnus just looked at Raijangs dead pan face and laughed “A sunrell is a person who is sort of like an elder squire. They are up for consideration into knighthood, of which I am the later. I was given orders to go out and get some experience in the world before returning. I have to prove myself to them so to speak.”

“Oh so that's why your going to the academy.”

“Not exactly, for the past year I have been hunting criminals for glorious Shornaren. So far I have been arresting minor criminals. Nothing major really, but this time I have come across something different. More of a conclusion really than any lead or person. These people would just get replaced within a week after being arrested. I would just go out and always arrest more of them. I needed to take care of the real criminals, the ones profiting from such unlawful behaviour. I went after one particular 'big fish' and managed to catch him. He defeated me in battle. But that wasn't enough for him, and he was working through the law with some of his contacts to make sure I would be punished for crossing such a noble person. I was also afraid of what would happen to me. So the only thing I could do was run, and that is what I did. I have come here to learn magic so that I don't have something like that happen to me again.”

“That's great, but why tell me so much. All you had to do was tell me you were here to get stronger. I mean tons of wannabes come through here expecting to be the next top dog. They don't realize just how tough the academy is. I've heard some pretty gruesome stories.”

“It's just a trust thing. I have a hunch we are going to have to work together at least initially and this minor travel thing is only the start. That and telling people helps me remember just what I failed to do. So why are you going there?”

“I'm just in it for the money.” His tone was plain and neutral and Magnus didn't believe him, but knew better than to prod.

After a week of travel the two were glad to make it to the town with no further troubles. Even the mood between the two was starting to lighten. At long last the pair set their eyes upon the city of Murua. The city was vast and grand, and it stretched on for miles. Bordered on all sides by massive trees that gave the illusion the town was nestled deep in a valley. Atop a small hill sat a castle overlooking the bustling city below. The roads were bright and colourful even from this distance, the main road carved a path through town to the other side so massive was it. They could see thousands of moving dots they knew were the days shoppers and store keepers. Off to the sides of the main trading roads and paths were more traditional buildings that looked more permanent than many of the tented stalls from the markets.

The two walked down the main road itself with actually grew wider closer to town. Raijang just kept an eye on his pockets and where he was going, being a local had it's perks. Magnus on the other hand was stunned, he had never seen a city so large and bustling at the same time. Despite some Shornari cities being larger, they were no where near as busy as this. He watched the oddly dressed people go to and fro all along and across the road. Vendors selling everything from herbs to battle axes to odd crystals could be found from one end of the city to the next. He was of course amazed at all of this, but Raijang forced him onwards and away from some gleaming sets of armour he was gawking at.

They made their way out of the main road and into the smaller paths into the left side of the city. There was less noise and movement here and the stone buildings rose high above the market area. In this district they encountered buildings for everything from masons to guilds from far away lands and learned it was no different from the market except for the goods. The bartering and trading here was not of goods, but of people and the many services they could provide. It was only after an hour of walking Magnus finally felt the awe and wonder leave him and he realized he had no idea where he was going.

“Uh, where are we supposed to go? Is this where we had to go to meet to take our tests?” He was looking around the unfamiliar streets and buildings for anything to help him guide his way.

“No, this is a tavern were heading towards. One of the finest in all the lands, no I take that back. It is the finest in all of Arcanta. Very expensive, but the stuff in there is amazing. The rooms also share that reputation. You should see the rooms, your basic one would put your Kings castle to shame.” For once Raijang seemed to be genuinely happy and almost childlike with his eagerness to find the tavern.

“Let me guess, we are going here just for the wine? Although to be honest it sounds really neat and amazing. I guess I have no qualms about going to see it. As long as we are not taken too far off course.” Magnus was starting to like the sound of the place.

Raijang had a smug smile on his face “You are correct Magnus. However, this is not just any wine! This stuff is amazing, it is imported all over Arcanta. Although I would imagine this is the cheapest place to get it. Right here in the brewing hall. One bottle is worth twenty crystals. I think that works out to be about a ten gold pieces each. Although to get it around to different places that would bring the price up further. So I would guess roughly around three hundred gold pieces for a single bottle. Merrygold wine is truly that amazing. This is why I am only going to buy only a single bottle, and I am hoping to either save it or savour it.”

Magnus jaw dropped “Twenty crystals! Twenty!? That's an outrage. I could set up my own tavern for that and still have enough left over to buy several horses! There are orphans and poor people everywhere that could be lifted out of poverty with that much money. An even greater outrage is that people spend that much money to drown their sorrows.”

Completely in shock and spluttering with rage and awe at Magnus words Raijang couldn't think or get a reply out. He just continued weaving his way through familiar streets pretending to have never heard such insane talk. After a few minutes they came to a plaza with several buildings. By far the biggest and most prominent was the Merrygold Inn and Brewery. Saying it wasn't big was clearly some kind of understatement. It was four stories tall and it looked like three houses stacked three times high could fit comfortably in it. It had many windows on all sides, and there was a constant influx of people coming in and out There seemed to be a warm look to it too that even Magnus was feeling. He had to shake his head to keep himself focused.

Raijang walked over to it and stopped himself so suddenly Magnus walked into him. A confused look was all he received in return.

“Since I'm such a nice guy. I'll let you have a drink from the bottle I buy. Whenever I open it, most likely after we get accepted into the academy. You should be happy you get to taste such a rare and expensive wine. Even a single drop will suffice, you just have to taste it.”

With a dead serious look in his face Magnus monotonously replies “No.”

“Not even just a sip? It's really good!” Raijang was looking quite stunned he had been turned away like this.

“Absolutely not.”

“This is an outrage! It should be a crime for someone to not have had a drink of alcohol, worse some this amazing.”

“Clearly we have two different ideas of what is and isn't criminal.”

Raijang disappointed at the resounding no turned around again and walked up the fine polished wooden steps of the tavern. The oak doors have a vine pattern carved into them expertly, and the door handles were brass leaves. On the door also in brass was a sign saying Tika's Vineyards and Fine Wines. Opening the door Raijang manages to put a single foot in the door and his senses are overwhelmed with the heady aroma hitting him and he inhales deeply.

“Magnus Virtus? Raijang Stormrage? Your tracer charms went off upon entering the city. I was sent to receive you immediately. Oh and I am terribly sorry Mr. Stormrage that your second letter did not make it's way to you. But we need to begin the test immediately.” This came from a small dumpy Xiva man that had perhaps seen too many good times as reflected in his round figure. He looked incredibly over worked with massive shadows under his eyes, and a small thin moustache.

“I just want to step in for a quick dri...” his face was starting to fall as he realized his dreams had been shattered.

“No, no we must be off at once. Much to do.” The man zipped off down the street expecting them to follow.

“But... just a quick...” Raijang now had a pleading look on his face.

The man had to raise his voice as he was putting enough distance between them and the inn “No! Now get going to the fort.”

Raijang was just stunned and had a kicked puppy dog look to him. He stood there on the threshold to heaven on earth. Magnus put his hand on his shoulder and with a smug smile on his face guided him away from the door. Raijang followed Magnus and the small man weakly and in silence. Magnus was enjoying his deflation however and was keeping up a brisk pace with the small man. They were slowly winding their way through town to the castle and the hill it sat upon. Raijang was panting from the walk up the hill. Magnus and the small portly man were faring better than him. Soon they could see the massive steel bar gate blocking the main entrance to the castle. It had been raised in preparation for them coming into the castle.

Inside the castle it was quite homely, and the outer appearance had been deceiving. There were many banquet halls or small waiting rooms in here that had been lavishly furnished. Blood red seemed to be a choice colour for much of the tapestries and table cloths. It contrasted the dark stone work quite nicely. Although a faint glow coming from some scrawled words or ruins was lingering over much of the stonework or tapestries giving the castle an eery glow. Eventually they climbed a few floor up and wound up in what appeared to be someones study with a desk and roaring fireplace and a shelf of books nearby.

The small man stood at the door waiting for the two of them to enter, and when they did so he motioned for them to sit in the chairs in front of the desk. Magnus had a frown on his face, and Raijang had noticed it getting worse the more he looked around the castle and the further in he went. He was wondering what could make Magnus angry about a castle. There was no time to ask though as the small portly man cleared his throat “The master of the castle shall be with you momentarily.”

With that Magnus and Raijang were left alone in the room. They both decided just to sit as they had no idea how long the master of the castle would keep them waiting. Although it was clear that Magnus had not expected something so boring for their test as he lay back in his chair nearly dozing off. As the minutes passed however even Magnus couldn't stop feigning sleep and started to look around again. After the fourth time looking around he had to find something else to do and spoke up breaking the oppressive silence.

“So, why is this place so... comfortable looking. I did not see any of the usual things that would be in a fort made to defend against attack. With all these tables in the rooms and stacks of paper one would think it would make life more difficult if there ever was an attack. They are also quite nicely furnished, and even decorated. Not at all like ours, bare bones and with supply rooms and armouries everywhere. Not to mention it's incredibly small, I just don't see how it can defend against an attack.”

“We scribe runes into the design so that they may aid us and defeat our enemies. Not to mention everything in this place can change if one has authority to change it. Do you see a battle outside? I didn't think so, so why not use it as a seat of commerce and other business until it is needed. For us it is relatively easy to change things into what we need. Not to mention we do not have the numbers for such large castles, nor do we need them. Why does one need immense walls to fire the trebuchet, if all we have to do is rip the earth up from under their feat and then throw that on top of them. The best Irastai can simply will things into existence, so they might not even need the rocks.”

Magnus didn't reply, he just sat back in his chair staring into the fire behind the desk. After a few minutes they could hear the footsteps of several people coming closer. Then soon a voice joined the foot steps and the sound continued to grow until it rounded the corner and came into the room. An incredibly old man stepped through the door. Raijang knew he was old even by Xiva standards. His hair had greyed long ago, but it was cut short which was the sign of a warrior. He wore his leather armour and long coat proudly, and he must have been a high rank based on the silver inlay it had woven into it. He carried a small short sword at his side, a luxury in this country. Despite his age he appeared to be in just as good of shape as Magnus. Flanking him were two guards, lances on their back and had their green bandanas covering their faces.

He cleared his throat before speaking up and when he did his voice was harsh and rigid “You must be the final pair. I was wondering when you would get here... if you would get here. I had almost decided to not allow you to take the test for your tardiness. I am commander Egaun of Fort Murua.”

“Magnus Virtus, Shornari sunrell at your service. Currently... without a commanding knight.” He even snapped to attention before embarrassed he relaxed.

“Raijang Stormrage, uummm heir to the Stormrage estate... extraordinaire?” Raijang had been far less disciplined of an answer.

The commander raised his eyebrow at Magnus “Huh, wouldn't have thought of you as military, but your reaction says otherwise.” He didn't say it but he was impressed, and looking at Raijang he made a sound somewhat between a sigh and a low growl. As he did this he dismissed his men with a wave of his hand and walked behind the desk and sat down. He also pulled out a quill and some parchment from inside a drawer.

“Very well, I think we can commence with what you need to do. Every month thousands of applicants are taken in, and I assure you I have seen more skill in one of them than in both of you two combined. However, being a Stormrage entitles you to a position within the tower. As for you... Sunrell. This is merely a political reputation builder, if we allowed someone from outside of Xiva in it will look good. As part of your test you will be given a task to complete on your way to the tower in Meithsol.”

Now he started to write on the parchment as he continued talking “The test you will both be taking is a little more... lethal... then usual. You will both be going into the Venenum swamp to the northeast of here. You are not to go around to make your way directly to Meithsol. Now before you wet your pants in fear, you will only be going through the outskirts of the swamp. It will not be quite as dangerous. You will be only extended this offer once, and if you refuse you will not be permitted to ever take this test again.” He was looking at them for any signs they might quit.

They both just sort of gulped at the ominous nature of the situation. Though Raijang looked far more fearful then Magnus did. Looking at each other quickly they both nodded to Egaun; that much magical ability was too hard to pass up. No mater how dangerous it would be in obtaining it.

“No quitters? Good. We can commence immediately, now there are a few things you should know before you head out. You may absolutely not go around on the roads, or even just stick to the edges of the swamp and walk around. We will patrol the area, and we also have it warded. You may meet other groups in the swamp, what kind of test is it if not everyone does the same thing? Regardless, violence is not forbidden against these students. If you make it out alive you can then head to Meithsol and The Academy. We have both wards and guards detecting when you go in, and when you come out. So there is no cheating, and if you attempt to you will essentially be giving up your only chance into The Academy. ” He said the last sentence with a devious smile.

He stood up and approached them from around the table. He began to look at all of their belongings one by one. He lingered on Magnus sword a little too long as he tested it by waving it around in his hand and making some stabbing motions with it, but gave it back to him satisfied. Once he got to the wine Raijang had he gave it a little disproving look over before tossing it out and into a waste bin with a small smash. He told Raijang not to drink during the test for his own good. After this he sat behind his desk and just nodded for them to take the door and go.

Outside their were two guards who blocked their path. “Follow us please, we will escort you to the swamp. Immediately.”

Leaving no choice one led the pair and another walked behind them just to make sure they did not try anything. Raijang was moaning about the loss of his wine to the silent guard in front. Magnus had his hand on the hilt of his sword for most of the walk. The walk to the swamp was several hours long, and the guards did not break once they were eager to just drop their charges off and be done with it.

As they walked further on the small road slowly began to get overgrown and reclaimed by the forest and the light trickling through the trees became more scattered and infrequent. Soon the level of light was steadily dropping until it was nearing pitch black levels as though the sun was setting. They came to a camp with several more guards around a fire and what appears to be an Irastai studying by the light of a small glowing globe hovering above his head. Raijang had been talking on the origins of Xiva and the Xivai people to Magnus this entire time, but when he seen the small camp he had fallen silent.

The Irastai looked up at the new comers and shook his head. Snapping his finger a chest appeared in front of him. From inside he pulled out more food, not much but probably just enough to get them through if they kept up a good pace. He gave some to both Raijang and Magnus and he never said a word. Then he pointed at the end of the path. It was as if a cloud was perpetually overhead in this area. It went from hard to see dark, to pitch black. That was clearly the swamp, and they were both getting bad vibes from it. He gave them time to pack up and told them Magnus horse would be sent ahead and would be waiting for him if he did in fact survive the swamp. The Irastai had left and reappeared an hour later with his armour which he put on right away. He was thanking whoever had put the charms on it had made it as light as it was.

The two looked into the reaches of the swamp, at the total nothing as far as they could see. No sounds came from within, and they could see nothing. Looking back they were surprised to see that the soldiers and the Irastai were gone. The only thing that remained to let them know they had existed at all was the trampled grass and a camp fire. Raijang closed his eyes and started to mutter. A small orb of light now hovered above him casting a dim illumination around them. Magnus also copied him and and an orb appeared above his head as well.

Knowing they were as prepared as possible Magnus and Raijang took the first few steps and crossed the threshold into the swamp and darkness. Their light did little to illuminate such darkness. They could not tell how far ahead they could see, and their progress was slow. The two stuck close together for fear of things lurking in the dark and so that their orbs better illuminated their surroundings.

The darkness around them was an odd thing to look at. When stared at too long it almost looked like it was shifting and changing. Swirling around in some insidious manner, perhaps the swamp was moving around them. Perhaps it did this just to confuse them, or perhaps it did this to make them feel paranoid. So many questions, but it didn't stop the darkness from wavering or from seeing something in the nothing from out of the corner of ones eye. In many ways it was mesmerizing to look into the dark and try make out what was beyond the dim light of the orbs. It was almost like the swamp wanted to entice them further in, to go into its depths to see what was beyond the swirling shadows.

Behind them was the cheerful and bright looking gloom of the world before. The two started to walk in further, and it was odd to see trees and other plants and shapes appear from the nothing that was the darkness. Odd sensations were the only way to summarize the swamp. Their drive for knowledge of the Academy was stronger then the fear they shared and they trudged into the swamp. They forced themselves to not look back at the warm glow of the light of the forest and where the safe camp had been. As they went further into the swamp the light behind them faded away until they could see nothing except by the light of their orbs.

Chapter 3


The two marched on in the darkness hoping they were not losing their course. After only an hour of blind walking Raijang spoke up in a hiss of a whisper after hearing some ominous splashing sounds further away in the swamp “Draw your sword fool, there could be danger at any moment in here.”

“I think your paranoia is getting to you. I should think our fear is the worst enemy we may find in this place.” Despite his reassurances Magnus didn't look like he believed his own words.

“No, it is our best friend. If any of the stories are true this place is pure evil. Monsters that one can't see devour men whole in a single bite. Packs of monsters that can rip whole groups to shreds in seconds. Not to mention this darkness has been the death of many explorers, and not even the mighty Irastai have claimed to have been in the centre of this place. Not to mention if we go off course and somehow go further in than the outskirts we are dead. All the horrible stuff is in the outskirts, just imagine what lies in the depths of it.” Raijang had his hand on his small dagger and was looking on edge and often twitching at any sound coming from the dark.

“I think it best if we be silent, it will aid in our passing. Although if it makes you feel better Ill keep it out for your sake.” With that Magnus drew his sword, the sound of which was loud and deafening in the stillness. It sounded like the screech of some animal in the darkness rather than a blade being unsheathed.

Continuing with their journey the light of their orbs was barely enough to see from. Many things would magically trip one of them or even both of them as they walked and sometimes splashed their way through the swamp. Looking back to see what had tripped them they could see nothing. After hours and hours of walking and very sore feet and legs it was impossible to tell if they had made any progress. The more they walked the more they could feel the life beat of the swamp horrible and twisted though it may be.

Occasional screams of pain would pierce the dark as creatures were devoured, or the glee and squeals of delight as unseen things scurried past happy to have found something. More unsettling were the odd lights they would see in the distance. The lights in the distance never seemed to change spots as though they were being followed by them. More disturbing was when these lights would fade or wink out suddenly and there would be a violent scream that sounded horrifically human. The lights would then appear elsewhere enticing them to come and have a gander. Dozens of eyes would look at them some pairs, some single, and a few glowing ones of eight. When looked at the eyes would disappear only to reappear staring at them from some other direction. Magnus was beginning to believe what Raijang had said, and felt glad he had his sword in hand.

After an indeterminable amount of walking the two decided to rest. While not that tired they wanted to still have some energy if they were attacked. Raijang said he would take first watch, and Magnus knew why. Even he would have some nightmares in this place. Over the course of their rest neither of them slept very well on the damp spongy dirt. Trying to figure out the time they pegged themselves gone at a single day. Magnus was the one trying to figure out where they might be with the map they had been given and the course they were supposed to walk through the swamp and he spoke a few words of magic to himself “We probably are a quarter way through, assuming we stayed on course. It is not like there is anything guiding me other than hope and blind luck. Something that seems to work against us in an uncanny way in this horrible place. I also checked the time it has been a day.”

Raijang didn't reply to Magnus pondering. He didn't reply often anymore in this dark place. He knew it was better to just keep your voice down and walk in silence. That way you minimized the chance of attracting some horrible predator. Magnus however found the silence unnerving, and would break it now and again to try lighten the mood. Each and every time he did he just failed even more miserably at what he was trying to do.

As they pressed on they could tell they were getting deeper into the swamp now as the ground was becoming soggy and wet. It would on occasion give out and they would be up to their ankles in murky water which had been so still they mistook it for solid earth. Slogging through these areas slowed them down immensely and tired them out even further than the lack of sleep had. Despite this they continued their trek in silence, even Magnus had given up all attempts at trying to talk. Hours passed by and they heard the screams of two other human beings, and some horrible monster devouring them. They could hear the cracking of bones and tearing of flesh. They tried to see where the scream had come from, but it was impossible. They just quickened their pace to distance themselves from whatever had just killed someone.

“Well, it looks like we have less competition now.” His tone was somber and despite his meagre attempt to lighten the mood the morbid nature of the joke just caused Magnus to scowl at him.

Magnus made a disgusted sound “We should have gone to their help! I know we could have saved them.”

“Are you joking? They were already dead, not to mention whatever got them would get us. Finally, the instructor said that many of the applicants were better at magic than us. If they didn't have a chance, then what hope do we stand of fighting the mystery horror of the day? Then there is always the chance they would have stabbed us in the back after we helped them, and I am talking literally here.” Raijang was still morose sounding in his logic.

Magnus just frowned and listened, and despite the fact he knew Raijang was right that didn't make him feel any better. After several more hours Magnus began to have trouble walking as he was taking massive immense steps as though the effort were killing him. The swamp water was like tar and each misstep landed him in more water. This would harden just enough to make it even harder to walk. What turned from brisk walking was now slogging through mud and water up to their ankles constantly. Raijang was faring no better, it was as though there was no limit to how much water his cloak could absorb and it his cloths would just get heavier and heavier.

Muttering under his breath Magnus cast a spell, but there was no visible effect other than him getting more tired. He quickly spoke up “It's midnight now, we should rest and get a strong start tomorrow. We know it has been two days.”

“No, that's probably what those guys said back there and look what happened to them. Besides unless you can breath under water or something I doubt this is a good place to rest.” Raijang just kept slogging his way through the waters not waiting for Magnus to reply.

Magnus didn't argue, but let Raijang take the lead. He was thankful he was so out of shape so he could slow his pace down. He cursed his stupidity for wearing the whole set of armour. Several hours later it was morning and Raijang was still attempting to trudge on, but he was beginning to falter and sway. He finally seen a small patch of solid ground with a massive tree and went over to it and collapsed into a sitting position with his back to it panting for air. Magnus did the same and was glad to give his screamin muscles some rest. He was too tired to try and fight the mud caked armour off so he kept it on. Raijang agreed to take first watch again, and Magnus was wondering how he was faring with so little sleep. Not wanting to argue he started to drift off almost immediately.

Right before drifting off Magnus noticed something weird that made him snap his eyes open. Raijang was also starring around the darkness like Magnus was. The eyes of the many beats were not following them as they had been since the start of their trip into the swamp. The swamp was oddly quiet at this point too, and then they heard it. The faint crack of a branch far above them. Magnus and Raijang rolled out of the way, and with a mighty crunch an immense Xivaidrome landed where they had just been.

Compared to the ones the army rode this one was monstrous in comparison. It was double the size and towered over them, and the claws on its hide legs were like short swords. It's claws on its hands like daggers and were scrapping together menacingly in anticipation of another kill. Lucky for them the thing had slammed into the moist ground so forcefully it had become stuck and was trying to pry its talon filled foot from the muddy ground. It screeched and lashed out at them with its arms as it was trying to free itself. Magnus swung his sword bottom right to his top left in an immense swing that chopped its head clean off. They ignored the gush of blood and put their backs to each other. They knew these things never travelled alone.

Screeches, and howls of hunger were heard all around them. They could hear the splashes of many more around them circling them and staying out of the light. Soon more appeared from nowhere like ghosts one after the other and started to run at them and circle the two. They were testing the two for weakness as they would snap here and there to see how their prey was holding up. Raijang fell in behind Magnus and put a shield around them. The immense lizards continued to try and attack them, but each time they were defeated by a near invisible barrier. Magnus was lashing out and felling two or even three with a single strike, and yet they continued to come and surround them. They soon learned to stay out of range from his sword strikes.

Raijang unleashed a torrent of flame all around the shield that burned the creatures. He took down six or more he couldn't count them all, but still they did not back off and he was growing weary of his display of magic. Then suddenly they stuck their heads into the air and started to smell and listen like birds their heads darted too and fro as they picked up an unfamiliar trace of something. With an immense svcking sound a Xivaidrome was immediately svcked under what should be shallow water. It didn't even have time to scream to warn the others of its kind. The water rose up from the ground into a mound of jelly, and inside they could see the Xivaidrome being dissolved and blood floating around the murky water. The pack hunters took off and their screams and squeals of delight turned to terror as something bigger attacked them.

“Run!” Magnus was about to bolt. He had never before in his life seen something so bizarre as the mound of living jelly in front of him.

“No! We have to kill this thing, it doesn't ever stop eating. It will just chase us, and in case you haven't noticed we aren’t that fast.” Raijang barely had time to retort as he had to quickly run out of the way of several panicking Xivaidrome.

The thing had wasted no time, it shot out a tendril that grappled another of the Xivaidrome which was quickly svcked in and devoured. As the reptile was svcked in the slime could be heard crunching and crushing its meal to fit inside of itself. A foul smell was in the air death of the reptiles along with the pungent odour of the slime. The other Xivaidrome took off in a run and they quickly vanished into the darkness. Soon nothing could be heard from their entire pack as they presumably lived to fight another day. With no more of those to feast on it started to move towards them faster than Magnus would have thought possible.

“Hold it off while I prepare a spell!” Raijang was chanting immediately after he said this not wanting to waste time.

Magnus didn't have to be told again and charged forward swinging his blade at the many tendrils of the beast. He chopped many off, but it was futile as the shifting mass would just create more. The ones that did happen to get chopped off would just rejoin the quivering mass of jelly. Attacking the body the blade just bounced off and threw Magnus off. He had to resort to keeping it busy. Looking around he seen the thing's tendrils snake out and grab Raijang and pull him in. He was still chanting even though he was being dragged closer and closer to the slimes body. The last thing he could hear was Raijang breaking focus and yelling out to get this thing off him as he was svcked into the mass of jelly.

Inside the thing Raijang was lucky to not have been crushed like the other poor victims. He writhed around in pain, and Magnus could see the red welts quickly forming on his skin and his clothing was quickly being burnt away. Death from melting, or death by suffocation. Both were horrible, Magnus ran up and yelled out cursing his inability to cast anything useful right now. He sent a single strike from his blade at the body of the thing, and the next second it had exploded and he was covered in it. Blinded all Magnus could hear was coughing and hacking.

Raijang spluttered out a weak retort “You svck, need to learn how to cast better. A fireball did the trick... but it's still not dead.”

After this he passed out, Magnus cleared the remains of the creature from his eyes and looked at Raijang. His cloths were burnt here and there, but worse was his swollen and red skin that had begun to be digested by the thing. Wondering about his last words Magnus turned just in time to see the blob arise from the water again, and this time it had the advantage of catching him off guard. It slammed some of it's tendrils into him sending him rolling across the ground.

Just as he was crawling to his feet It spit out some sort of slimy resin and hit Magnus arm that had the sword. It pinned him to a tree with his sword arm stuck and charged at him. It lunged for the hapless victim stuck to a tree Magnus just ducked and the stupid thing flew right over him and around the tree dissolving the tree where it had hit. Just as it was about to lunge again it was lifted up into the air. Three arrows pierced it and then exploded in unison. The slime was blasted into a thousand tiny little droplets. Magnus used this time to free himself and broke his arm out of the resin.

Looking around he seen that there was just a small fist sized piece of the creature left. He stomped on it with his boot and it splattered into nothing with a little guttural gurgling and was finally gone. He quickly looked around for those who saved him. He didn't have to wonder for very long who the mystery helpers had been.

“Don't raise your sword in panic, we are going to step out where you can see us.” It was a woman’s voice calling out to him. Out of the shadows as though appearing from nowhere five women revealed themselves. All were carrying exceptionally deadly looking longbows, but the one furthest from them had hers on her back and her hands were in front of her as though she had just been pushing something. Disregarding what they said Magnus raised his shield which had been so useless against the beast and had his sword at the ready. He knew it was a pointless gesture against five longbows his armour would be nothing but a fancy pin cushion.

The same voice from before spoke up and now he could see her standing in front of the others and could tell she was clearly their leader “Now hold on here we want to be allies not enemies, we don't want to kill ourselves over nothing now do we? Besides if we really wanted you dead we could have let the slime kill you.”

Magnus sheathed his sword when he heard their logic “Very well I have put my weapons away, now put your weapons away.”

With a nod from their leader the five girls looked at each other for a moment, and then they put their bows on the strap they had on their back. Afterwords they all gathered closer in a group and approached Magnus. He could tell they were all of exceptional beauty and this caught him off guard. He associated magic with old men up in towers pouring over books well into the morning. From their expression he had the vague idea a few of them were thinking the same thing.

Magnus was the first to speak up “I am Magnus Virtus, and this unconscious... acquaintance is Raijang Stormrage. Would you do the honour of giving me your names?”

Their leader spoke up once again while the others looked at them with suspicion “I am Kira Earthcleaver, this is Elsa Flamespinner, she is Alea Starfire, and finally this is Hestia Moondancer.” Magnus was about to ask a question, but looking over the group he seen one girl in the back who had not been introduced by Kira. She was of average height with long flowing red hair. She bashfully stood there trying to make herself look non-existent. Currently she was doing this by staring at her boots.

“I'm sorry but you have forgotten to introduce someone. May I ask who she is?” Magnus waved his hand in the general direction of the girl in the back.

Kira looked back and at the girl who he was pointing at. “Who her? She is nobody.” The four of them burst into laughter at this comment. The red head girl just stood silent in the back blushing at being made fun of. His face grew stern looking because of their treatment of the girl. Magnus walked over to her to talk to her more appropriately “Oh I am sure she isn't just nobody.”

“Now then would you like to tell me your name?” As Magnus said this he gently put his hand on her shoulder, the girl just cringed away. “It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you.”

The group of girls just giggled at the red head after she did that. “You already know my name is Magnus Virtus, could you please tell me yours?” She looked up at him as though she was finally seeing something for the first time in a long time “I am Evelyn, Evelyn Windweaver.”

“Well Evelyn, it has been nice to meet you and I must say that is a very pretty name. You shouldn't be shy about telling people your name, it's what makes you... you. Turning away from the girl he looked back at the group and addressed them as a whole. Though the girl was still timid looking she glanced at Magnus and his strange behaviour just for a minute to make sure she wasn't just imagining things.

“Well, it is nearly night, and if I may be so bold as to propose we camp together for the night. It's a relatively open area, and I believe this thing that we killed chased off the wild animals for now. So it is probably a good time to rest.” Magnus was waiting for them to come to an agreement as they huddled together whispering together. Magnus frowned when he noticed Evelyn had not been included in the deliberations, but didn't speak up. After much deliberation Kira and her group agreed to the idea.

Although both groups were exhausted from the fight with the creature they did not fall asleep right away. Magnus and the group of girls spent some time talking to get to know each other better. After the swapping of a few stories and having a few good laughs, the girls, as well as Magnus softened up after awhile. When it looked like they were all getting along around the warm fire they had managed to make Kira started to rummage through her pack.

“Well in celebration of our new allies I think we should celebrate a little. I think a small drink of wine is in order.” Reaching into a bag Kira pulled out a bottle of wine. Hearing those words Raijang began to stir he woke up mumbling about wine. Seeing the wine a face of absolute joy was on his face, until he realized he was surrounded by five women he didn't know. The girls just looked ta him cautiously as he awoke. He looked alarmed and confused.

In a quick movement he sat up and pulled Magnus closer and whispered into his ear for a second and was making sure they couldn't hear “Umm Magnus? Did we die? Because there are five beautiful women around me that are offering me wine. Well, if I knew this would be how it was I may have gotten it over with all that much sooner.”

“Your not dead...” Magnus said this with a sigh at Raijangs comments.

“Oh, that's right I should have realized. If I was dead you wouldn't be hear to mar the perfect situation” Raijang's spirits were high, and so was his smug feeling at his wit. He sat up and got a proper look around their camp and satisfied the slime was gone he spoke up more confidently now that he was awake. “After much deliberation I have decided if Magnus can trust you, so can I. Anyone who has some wine is a friend of mine.” He chuckled at his little rhyme.

Seeing that the situation was solved the girl passed the bottle around so everyone could get a drink, Raijang drinking more than his fair share. He received scowls from the others for this, but didn't care so long as he had his precious drink. Soon the bottle came around the circle to Magnus and he refused. He just shook his head politely.

Kira was shocked. “What? Who doesn't drink? Not even a little?”

Raijang just laughed and spoke up “I know right? You would have to be crazy. But come on Magnus, join in the fun! After all what could have caused you to not want a drink?”

“I have my reason for doing so.” His voice was serious and he was suddenly acting withdrawn from the others in the group.

Kira laughed “Oh, I bet I know. He was probably at one of his fancy Shornaren parties where he drank a little too much and threw up all over one of his lords or what-not.” The group roared with laughter at the thought of Magnus drunk and throwing up on everyone.

Magnus had been silent up till now, but a little irked with the jokes he spoke up “Actually, no. Let me tell you why. Years ago, I was on the front lines defending Shornari from the De'aranian invaders. I was one of the doctors in my unit. Times were rough, and there were heavy casualties on both sides for that war. I had the best of it however, I had not been on the front lines in or in many main battles. The wounded that came in gave me plenty of work to do. I died a little on the inside whenever I had to decide who would live and who would die. Every night I would go to bed cursing my inability to help them all.

Being men of healing, many of our healers would sneak off in the middle of the night to go and aid the enemy. Of course none returned, and eventually we were weakened enough that the enemy broke through our front line. They attacked us, and since there were so few soldiers left, and the priest and healers were pacifists they were horribly slaughtered. I had managed to hide and make my way to a small patch of trees to await a moment to escape.

Although I was safe I had to watch the beasts butcher and slaughter everyone who was in the camp. As they were doing this and afterwords they would drink. Drink and drink until they could not do so anymore and fall over in a stupor. Drink while killing helpless foes, or priests praying that their injured would be saved. No one was spared, not even the messenger boys made it out alive. They continued on to a small town where their drunken revelry got the best of them. Let's just say thet town doesn't exist anymore. I was forced to watch what they were doing from my hiding position. A week later more elements from the Shornaren Army moved in and slaughtered them all, but that smell of death and alcohol. I will never forget. Ever since that day I have been unable to drink for that memory always comes back to haunt me.”

The rest of the group stopped drinking, and even Raijang put down the bottle for a minute. It had clearly not been the story they had been expecting. Finally Raijang tossed the wine in his cup out, and he filled it with water from his water skin. “To your comrades Magnus!” The others followed in example, and finally Magnus took a cup full of water and held it high “Yes to them.” They all had a fitful and restless sleep that night.

First of all, congratulations! A novel is a big undertaking and it's tremendously satisfying to finish.

Now: do you want to get better? Do you want to get published? Do you want to be read? Or are you happy with where you are? If you are happy, that's really, truly, great, I'm happy for you, and congratulations. Otherwise, I'll gladly critique the hell out of you.

Critique away! This is only the first draft, but I should let you know right now due to other feedback I'm going to be doing major revisions to the beginning of the work. Chapter 1-2 is going to be rewritten to focus more on how they got their letters. Secondly I am adding a prologue to let people know there is something bigger going on here than what is just shown. Then chapters 3 will be expanded more to do with them in the city and meeting, and finally chapter 4 will go right into their trials in the swamp. Also need to work on dialogue. Later on I have already made a change in how I do write that out. Right now I might do something like this.

Paragraph

character text

paragraph.

Later on I am adding more description right into their dialogue when its suitable. So it doesn't always look spaced apart at dialogue.

Edit
Hoping to get published.

Edit2
Going to go play some games for a bit. I would be editing, but I'm waiting on feedback from various people and places. So just take your time and make the feedback good.

I haven't gotten very far, but this is what I have to say so far:

Your first infodump was a little awkwardly placed and didn't feel natural at all:



You should always try to make your infodump as discreet as possible... and this wasn't. Your characters should have at least a little more knowledge of their surroundings than that, and they shouldn't be so anxious to give a very cold-sounding paragraph of information out to anyone. What really got me is the line "Basically it is magic..." Don't say basically. Just say "Kenat... magic endored by the temples" or something. Also don't make them sound so cold by having them saying things like "It is", unless the character has a specific reason to say "it is" instead of "it's."

I think adding a prologue is a good plan... in it's current state the beginning pages don't make me want to continue reading, and if I was in a bookstore reading this, the first few pages would decide whether or not I'd buy it... and those aren't very interesting. If you can't start your story off with something compelling, then at least make your prologue good enough to keep the reader interested enough to read through the first chapters.

I want to continue reading in order to give you more feedback, however I don't particularly have the urge too. I'm not trying to be insulting or anything, it just didn't interest me enough to keep reading. You need to remember that no matter how good your story gets later on, all of that is meaningless if the reader doesn't want to read far enough to get there. I definitely think if I had read the prologue first I would be more interested.

This'll take a while, but I'll get around to it.

Right the "it is" thing I noticed myself later on and have corrected. Like I said this was the bad draft, and the first few chapters are my most hated. Also my friend agreed with you I tend to add "basically" and dance around my own wording. My bet is the other two chapters will share most of the problems. Just look for any other problems that you haven't mentioned and list them, assuming you do decide to help me and struggle on. Then again it is kind of pointless as I'm already going to do a big rewrite on all of that.

Edit
Thanks for pointing out the "infodump". I'm just glad to get feedback at this point.

Pardon, didn't exactly read through everything, I did finish two chapters (before I turn to skimming, then becoming pressing page down). From what I see (other than the grammar and punctuations), you provide both not enough details (characterisation), while giving too much unnecessary details (bar fight). The pacing is fast one moment, and slow down the next. What is the overall direction? Books have summary of the plot printed at the back, but you don't, so you need to hook the readers, letting them know what is expected to come. Or you can provide us a summary. Best to clarify, even with a good summary, you need a good hook to reel in their attention.



I don't know how to explain, but it feels like a documentary speech, also what does knowing that there's a forest road help in the story?



Description of character > action > description again.



Even a minor character that last one chapter deserves a better description, also, don't repeat, much less within the same paragraph.

Hmm this is where I am getting conflicting opinion. Some people like lots of description, and others don't. Which one are you, your not being very clear.

Edit
I have been told to if anything remove that little girl as it was too much. So like I said I need to separate peoples personal opinions of what is good, from the minimum a book needs to be good. If that makes any sense.

Edit2
I've started work on a prologue to give you some back story. In the week I will rewrite chapters 1 and 2, and I mean completely. It will be a completely new direction. The first... 6 or so chapters of this book were written probably 6 years ago when I was a terrible writer. I personally think it shows, the first few chapters svck. So then I'll post this new preview of the prologue, and the new chapters 1-3. I'll also give people a summary of this books plot so they might know the direction its going in. I hope it's at least slightly better with my more updated writing in place. Otherwise I might just have to face the facts that I'm probably not a good writer.

That sounds good. I look forward to seeing your re-written chapters considering I'm sure you've evolved as a writer quite a bit over those 6 years... or at least I hope so.

Haven't read it all yet, but one thing I noticed is this - You keep switching from past tense to present tense. It's something to look out for.

Yep aware of that was well. It's probably one of my bigger problems. This first draft was me getting the story done so I could edit it to make it so much better. I was typically writing out what sounded best to me at the time with the intent to go and piece it all together later once I had said pieces.

After reading that you wrote this six years ago and plan to rewrite, I'm going to keep this briefer than I had originally planned. There's not much point in going after details if you aren't keeping any of those details. However, I'm still going to be pick apart your first few paragraphs to try to raise some questions that you can carry into your next draft. Understand that some of these harsh questions should be brought to bear on my writing, too, so I'm a big stinking hypocrite, but I'm just trying to help.

Basically: You don't write like someone who's writing for an audience. It's their dime, their time. You are their host. Your role is to guide them. Every word you write should justify the time they aren't spending watching Tropical Bikini Mud Wrestling or whatever on TV. The question you haven't asked yourself is, "Why? Why am I writing these words? Why should my reader experience this?"

This is apparent right from the beginning. The tall Yslarmi trees. This means nothing to me. I understand it means something to you, and maybe eventually it will mean something to me, too, maybe I'll want to learn what it means, but right now, it's a word that I have no reason to form a connection with. It informs me that I'm in a fantasy setting. It also informs me that I'm in a fantasy setting so enthralling that you're trying to draw me into it first by telling me about the trees.

So you want to set a mood. You don't necessarily have to blitz into action, and starting with some nice images can get me settled in, sure.

Why this image? What does this image do for me? I'm trying to picture the tall Yslarmi trees casting the forest road with shadows and I get stuck on the fact that the only thing I know about these trees is that they're tall. So now I have tall trees in a forest, great, and a road in the forest that's covered in shadows. Then there's light shining through the trees, fine, and a glow, which you have to tell me is eerie because your image can't support that impression on its own. That would be fine if your character were observing, hey, it's eerie, but the whole point of opening here is to evoke feeling and you aren't evoking anything, you're just using the word eerie in the hopes that eeriness will be evoked in me.

Next sentence: tells me there's a forest road, which you just told me, and then that the forest is immense, and then that the road bends. Unless I'm about to use these facts to block out the action of the coming scene in my head, you've told me exactly nothing so far and you're devoting the prime real estate of your novel, the beginning, the hook, the will-they-or-won't-they read on, to the image of tall trees in a big forest with a long path, and you haven't delivered that image any more memorably than I just did. I'm already gone.

But wait, this cute girl I like really wants me to keep reading, so I do, and I get to the next paragraph. A "small" man. His clothes look "extravagant" AND "rich". He's walking "quickly". His feet are booted and silent, that's interesting. Oh, and we're back to the pouch being "small".

He's humming. That tells me something about him. "He hums a small tune" is a stronger construction because it hits more viscerally.

He's been walking for several hours. Whatever part of the road where we were looking earlier and seeing the bend, we left it behind several hours ago, which again begs the question, why were we there at all?

Now, a serious problem here is that I have no idea who's telling me this story. It seems like I'm meeting an important character, and I'm occasionally being told what his thoughts are, but I'm not in his head. Whoever is telling me this story is privy to the thoughts in this guy's head, though, so he must know what the guy's name is. But whoever's telling the story won't tell me the guy's name, because...why? I don't know, is he an ass? Do I want to spend a hundred pages hanging out with this disembodied voice?

He arrives at a building. I take a little nap because once again you're telling me a bunch of stuff that doesn't give me any sense of place. I might as well be looking at a floorplan drawn in Paint: OK, check-in desk over here, uh-huh, tables, tables, more tables...great. Here's a little bit of mood, I guess: the tavern is "dingy" and "dark". Again, you're using these words as crutches in place of actually creating tension.

I wake up from my nap for the first bit of dialogue and it's unlike anything any human would ever say ever ever ever and I'd sooner spend the rest of my life speaking in reductio ad Twitterum than have to sit through a hundred pages of this. Plus this robot-sounding dude isn't even saying anything cool, like, "Hello Miss, I would like you to know there is a dragon outside." Nope, he's just telling us boring facts in the least imaginative way possible. And it turns out he's telling it to someone who doesn't even need to know.

Some tension now as the bar patrons look at him threateningly, promptly followed by a bizarre logical leap that makes your main character look like an idiot. Seriously, if you were in a bar and everyone looked like they wanted to lay the smack down on you, would you think, oh hey, I bet it's because they're all stupid and then just sit there?

Now this Magnus walks in. There's a nice idea buried in this description, especially the eyes/hand bit. And then it goes on for another five sentences to tell me what you already told me twice. Why?

Your green robed man's reaction is completely bizarre, unsympathetic, and unjustified. The actions you put to the words (standing up angrily) don't match the actual speech, which is vaguely irritated, not jump-up pissed. He goes on to explain away his weird overreaction by saying that mages shouldn't look like knights, which means nothing to me since I know zero mages and zero knights and this is just not a justification that makes me forgive him for freaking out two seconds ago. It's not that I don't understand what he's saying, it's that I don't connect with his justification or his value system in any way that makes me think he's not an ass. If I were in a bar and one guy punched another guy, and then when I called him out he said, "THIS GUY EATS RAISIN BRAN!" I would understand exactly what he meant, but he would still be an ass and I wouldn't forgive him. It makes even less sense that Magnus does.

Then Raijang goes and starts breaking stuff for no reason.

I hate this guy. I don't want to read about him anymore. And that's as far as I go. I'm sorry if this gets way better in the next chapter -- at least, giving it a skim, I can see that events start to actually occur, which is a positive sign -- but nothing in the story so far makes me want to keep reading. I have no questions I want answered other than what Yslarmi trees look like. I don't care what happens to Raijang because he's about as human as an old shoe and I don't care what happens to old shoes. And I don't care about this world that you clearly care about, that you've clearly put effort into building, because you don't present it imaginatively, you just tell me facts about it using the most reductive diction at your disposal and occasionally use an adjective to remind me how I should feel about it. Imagine I asked you to describe your hometown. I hope you wouldn't say, "There are several buildings. There is a tall building next to a small building next to an extravagant building. There are seven cars parked on the road. There is a big supermarket that sells good groceries. The town is nice."

And that's how this feels.

Again, why are you telling me these things? Where is the humanity? Why do I care?

Why these words? Why this order? Why this character? Why this story?

Writing well takes ambition, which you clearly have, and aggressive self-improvement, which you clearly need.

Maybe you're talented. I don't know. I can't say a damn thing about your talent right now. Talent (for example, a gift for turning phrases) won't even show until you have some grasp of the fundamentals. I couldn't identify my talented swimmer friend just by dropping him into a pool as a toddler. He'd drown same as me. The parents might all pat him on the head and then he'd never get to learn how talented he was.

You don't just have to do the work of writing. You have to work on your writing. And if your goal is to be published, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

So it's a gut check. If you want it, then you need to practice and study the greats and subject yourself to more critiques like this one. If you're not willing to do that, you should definitely keep writing because you love it, but I wouldn't sell the bike shop.

Yeah, I know. I'm mean.

Your honest, and most of what you have mentioned I have covered in other peoples comments. I've gotten a list of writing/editing tips I've taken away from this. Also will get that re-written stuff in here when it's done.

Edit
Off the top of my head.
- Less Dancing around the point style of writing. Make it more straight forward.
- Keep to a present tense (knew this one along time ago).
- More subtle information dumps, and perhaps only when relevant.

Some other ideas:

-Read stuff aloud. Dialogue and narration. If it's awkward to say, it's awkward to read.
-Try saying something different.
-Loosen up. Have fun. Your prose is really constricted now and it's not allowing any wit or originality to come through.

Okay here is a rewrite fresh off the press with a more updated style (I hope). It took me longer than I expected, but here it is. I have not edited or looked at it since rewriting all of it. There will be tons of grammatical errors, misused words, and spelling errors.


---
Prologue

Atop the peak of shadow stood a sullen old man, the wind whipping his beard about. He looked down from the top of the black mountain upon his greatest foe. Her face obscured by the billowing cloth of her dark robes. She had her hands in front of her twisted menacingly. The old man on the mountain looked down upon her, he could just barely hear her laugh over the roaring of the wind. She started to speak and her voice was magnified so it thundered through the mountainside “Are we going to do this again? How many times do I have to keep destroying you, and you keep coming back! Don't you get it mortal? Your nothing, and you'll always be a nobody. What name do you go by now old foe?”

The old man just stood his ground in silence, he was flexing his fingers. He held out his hand and a staff materialized there. It was an odd obsidian staff with a sharp and twisted crystal sitting atop it. With this in hand he thrust the tip at the woman and a bolt of black lightening leapt from the tip, it arced across the mountainside to the woman down below. As the bolt finally connected with its target an immense explosion shook the mountain tops and sent debris flying into the air. The old man had no reaction at all, he looked bored.

The smoke and dust was quickly cleared by the strong winds. The woman was still standing where she had been, but now a crater surrounded her. There was a sharp tone of irritation in her voice as she spoke “That old trick again? Your really getting predictable you know. For someone that claims to be so free your falling prey to your own patterns.” She finally decided to recognize the devastation surrounding her “I really like this mountain. It adds a certain decor to the area I wouldn't otherwise have.” With a faux romantic sigh she continued “Remember our first fight? Right here when these used to be fields? It was so romantic and new then.”

As she had been talking the old man had summoned a tornado bigger than the mountains themselves, with deep concentration on his face he directed this towards her. and was directing it towards her. It was ripping apart much of the mountain range as it sped towards her. She was caught off guard mid speech and as it surrounded her. Just as quickly as he had created it, she destroyed it and the winds slowed back to normal. “Aw, you don't want to remember the gold old days? You used to have some romance then.”

“I have nothing to say with you anymore evil one. We both know what's going on, and what the stakes are. Why would I want to talk to you anymore? I've learned all I can from you.” He kept the same blank look on his face when he spoke. The woman just looked disappointed “I miss how you used to talk to me, made it all sound exciting then. You were all like, I will vanquish you foul witch! Or, I have found your weakness this time! But my favourite by far, go back to your shadows and die as a free man stands before you!” Each time she mocked his voice he winced at the bad memories.

“All minor set backs.” With that he held up both hands to the sky with his palms facing up and then clasped them shut. He made a motion like he was hurling something towards the ground. Out of the sky a massive meteorite struck near them so quickly they barely had time to acknowledge it. Once more the woman was fine, instead of just staying inside the growing crater she appeared beside the old man. “Oo, that was new. I actually felt a little bit of heat with that one. You know, someday you might be able to push me down and make me mad.” Her voice changed from playful to angry “Maybe I should start taking you seriously.”

With that she summoned her own meteorite followed by more until an entire storm came crashing down upon them. They struck the landscapes with great force levelling much of the mountains. After the last blast from the final meteorite, the forever blowing winds cleared the area. The two just stood above the devastation. Looking up at him she stuttered a bit before finding her thoughts “Hm... I thought that would work. Guess not.” Now it the old mans started to laugh, a weak and faint cackling “Good joke, but you know how to kill me. Stop wasting my time. Why must you draw what could be brief little encounters into these sprawling talks. I feel like I'm going crazy having the same conversations over again.”

“You think your ready to play god feeble old man? You getting bored of the repetition already? You haven't even beaten me and your already bored. I don't think your up to the task.” He just lashed out with his staff interrupting her ranting, the light blow connected with her arm and she let out an immense scream of pain. “I think your forgetting just how close I am to defeating you. When was the last time I caused you to feel pain? Few hundred years back? Don't forget this time.” He had a mad gleam and twisted smile on his face..

He continued to speak with his voice reaching hysterical levels “You could slay me easily, but then you know that this staff will go back out there to the world. Waiting to be found by me again, and I always find it. You've never once stopped me. Then this viscous cycle repeats. Maybe your the one who's bored if your talking to me.” The woman put her hand behind her back to beckon him over “Let me show you something in vivid detail that no mortal could remember.”

He stood his ground, the scene around them changed. They were back in the past in the fields and he was fighting her with a sword in his youth. The images flickered past at an alarming rate hundreds of him getting progressively older, and each scene ending in his death. Soon it was the final image and he looked as he now did, he was stabbed through the heart by the shadow like all of the other times. Before he could say anything the scene changed again.

It was now a small village, moments later a town, and the next a bustling city. Time passed fast for the little world and he watched the people like ants. He couldn't count the number of times this village was burned and rebuilt over the ages. He watched these people die off for nothing, born into the world to suffer under their own misguided whims, or that of the gods. “You haven't changed anything. The world is still the same place it's always been, and it always will be. But is it really such a bad place? I think most people would disagree with your assessment”.

“You've shown me this before. Time and time again! It's never broken my will before! As gods you could do so much for us, but you let us fester and rot down there suffering. Let's just get this over with.” He lowered his guard so that she could land a clear blow on him. Complying she gave a feral growl and backed up. The woman had turned to a monstrous shadow, slowly she approached him. As the shadow figures blow struck him he gave a little jerk, he just stood there with a defiant look upon his face. As the figure backed away from his body it quickly changed back into the robed woman.

The images that were flashing before him shattered, and he quickly started to plummet to the scarred landscape below. The sickening crunch of his body hitting the ground never happened, instead it was the clatter of his staff which had fallen to the ground harmlessly. The staff slowly faded from the twisted shadow world until there was nothing there but the woman and the winds. With the old fool gone she started to rub her arm where it had been struck by the staff. She spoke to herself amid the howling winds staring at where the staff had been “Your not the only one who can work in the mortal realms.”

That night in two very different parts of the world, two couples cheered for the birth of their newborn sons. They were both blissfully ignorant that their children were not the only ones to slip into the world of the living. Nothing would indicate these children were special or different. Each family would do their best to give them a normal life full of hard work and love. Both families would mourn the loss of their children as circumstances forced them to leave, and both families would perish in the night. These boys would come to remember who they were, and the cycle would start again.

Chapter 1

As a young man Magnus had never bothered to wonder what he would do if he was being chased by the Templar. He certainly didn't right now as he was running down the streets with his plate mail clattering. He had barely made it this war east in Shornaren so that he might find his contact. His navy blue cloak and his dark brown hair billowing behind him as he turned to see if his pursuers had caught up to him. Looking back his steel blue eyes widened in terror as the wall of a house came crashing down. Steeping through the smoke and dust were three hulking and monstrously large men in plate mail.

They quickly spotted him running down the dark street and began to chase him. The three were running freakishly fast and unhindered in such massive armour. They drew their serrated blades to cut him down like a hunted animal. It was only with the greatest effort Magnus kept running down the maze of streets. He could already feel the armour beginning to pinch and hurt him. Turning to face them would be suicidal, he had to make it to the meeting place. It was his only hope for survival. He ran towards the centre of the small town and to the upper class area.

Magnus was jogging ahead of his pursers, but they had inhuman levels of endurance. They weren't even slightly tired after chasing him for over ten minutes. Magnus brain was racing as he tried to find any way out of the situation, or some place to hide. Deep down he knew it was pointless he would a better chance outrunning a bear. In one last act of desperation he turned down an alleyway hoping they didn't notice. He just stood silently with his back to the wall hoping they would pass by and miss him. He could hear their thunderous footsteps coming closer and closer.

At the end of the alley he seen the three of them, even if there had only been one he still wouldn't have fit. This didn't stop them as they just started to walk into the alley breaking and smashing anything that was hindering them. In their drone like voices all three of them spoke up “Sunrell Magnus Virtus you are hereby charged with treason, you have been summoned to come before the court of the Inquisition. Resistance is suicidal.” Magnus wanted to collapse from his run, but held his ground proud to the very end. He didn't dare draw any weapons with three of them this close.

“What's the matter little thing? Too scared to draw your weapon and face us? We'll give you a chance, let you draw your blade.” The three of them laughed at this. They were astonished too see Magnus had taken them up on their offer and he drew his sword to face them. He held firm and showed no signs of fear “If I'm to die today, then it will be standing.” The Templars just kept laughing and looking at each other in amazement. “Okay boy, we'll oblige you.” He put his blade away and advanced towards Magnus defenceless. He was waiting for Magnus to attack, and when he didn't he seized the opportunity.

He lashed out with one of his gigantic plated fists, Magnus had barley managed to parry it and he was pushed backwards down the alley. He had to keep moving back as the figures advanced through the buildings towards him. He lashed out with his blade occasionally, but each attack bounced off of the armour harmlessly. He even stabbed at the joins and found his blade bouncing or sliding off. The Templar lashed out with his foot bored of these games. It smashed past Magnus meagre defence and sent him sprawling down the alley.

Before he could even get up another kick sent him rolling into the street, if anyone had been outside they were long gone when they seen who was dishing out the beating. “Well you didn't put up much fight did you.” Another one in the back spoke up “Don't over do it, we need him alive for questioning.” He grabbed Magnus plated arm and started to squeeze and crush it with all of his might. The armour was buckling and Magnus let out a yell of pain as he heard his arm snapping. “He doesn't need an arm for questioning.”

Then at the end of another alley an old man's voice spoke up “Templar, you are to cease your pursuit of this individual. He will be coming with me, and there is nothing you can do about it.” It was a wispy old man with strange robes, he had a look of distaste upon his face when he addressed the Templar. As they turned their heads to see the intruder their eyes lit up bright blue. In unison the three could only utter one word with such disgust “Mage”. The old man was looking at them with equal contempt “That's Irastai to you. I am no bumbling novice to the arcane.” Their only reply was to point their swords at him and advance on him menacingly.

The frail old man just let out a small sigh “Right, I guess you won't use your wits and just listen to me. Have to use the official royal order. A declaration from the King himself. Magnus Virtus has been summoned to Xiva to learn of arcane magic at the Academy. His name has been put forth by an anonymous individual, and we have been waiting for some time until we hope he is of age. Furthermore he goes on to state this is a diplomatic mission between our two great countries. Do I really need to continue? Just look.” He snapped his fingers and the scroll disappeared from his hands and appeared at the feet of the Templar.

He picked up the scroll with disgust that such atrocities had been committed to it. He only gave it a quick glance over. The tone of his voice betrayed his curt anger “Very well, the King has given us a direct order. And this... mage... is the diplomat from Xiva. Your free to go Magnus Virtus, but this isn't over.” They smashed their way out of the alley to try and work off their anger, but they were slow to put their swords away.

Magnus just let out the breath he had been keeping in. He just gave a little laugh, with a small limp he walked over to the mage. “That was amazing! I never thought I would see the day someone stood their ground to these brutes. I didn't think there was anybody who could.” The old man just smiled at him and held out his hand, he gladly accepted it. “The Templar would like to believe they are all powerful beings, but the truth of the matter is that just isn't so. Though it is foolish for anyone to anger them. Oh yes, I forgot to mention my name. I am Master Sipho. On to business however. I wasn't lying when I said we have a position for you at our Academy. Would you be interested?” He was rummaging around in one of his many pockets while waiting for an answer.

Magnus just looked a little shocked “Me? I don't know anything about magic. Wait I do know a little bit of Kenat. Though being an Irastai you would know about that wouldn't you?” Sipho just stared at Magnus as though he was wondering if he was serious “Of course I do. It's what you call healing magic in your country. Please don't test me boy.” Magnus felt foolish for questioning him “Sorry, I just had to be sure.” Master Sipho payed no attention to him as he finally found what he was looking for. He pulled out a small folded letter addressed to Magnus and held it out for him to take.

Magnus took a look at it and read it through twice. Most of it was just telling him what to expect and any supplies he would need. Though one piece of paper mentioned a trial and a partner he was paired with. There was nothing else there except that his partner was named Raijang Stormrage. Master Sipho was patiently waiting, but when he seen the look of doubt on Magnus face he had to reassure him. “Come with my boy to the embassy. We can relax there, and you can think while your on the way there.”

The two just quickly walked through town, the further in they went the more upscale and luxurious the buildings. Then they came upon the final street lined with immense palaces. One of these immense structures looked out of place with an odd slanting roof style to it that didn't fit the rest of the street. Looking at a plaque in front of this building Magnus read “Xiva's Embassy”. They quickly walked up the short stone pathway to the door and entered. Here Magnus was in awe as a massive entrance hall bigger than the building he had just seen stood before him. He was beginning to have his doubts about joining the Academy. Master Sipho just led them up and through the building to his office.

His office was a cozy looking place filled with shadows overlapping the dark red carpeting and stone. Sipho walked around to the desk and took a seat in the big leather chair. He beckoned for Magnus to sit down with him. He was pouring two glasses full of alcohol while waiting for Magnus to get settled. As he sat down Magnus refused the drink politely. Sipho just shrugged and drank his own glass in a single shot before speaking to Magnus “So what have you considered so far? Do you have any questions?”

Magnus just stared at him intently “Yea I have one that's been bothering me, who put my name down at the academy?” At this Sipho paused for a second unsure how to answer “We don't know. Looking through our records we just had you dated for joining us this year. The request was filed over sixty years ago.” Magnus just stared at him surprised at this “That can't be right... my parent's weren't even born then. I think this has to be a ruse or test or something.” He was laughing at the idea of this being a joke, until he seen Sipho's stern face.

“If this is a real request then who could have put it through? My grandfather and grandmother weren't even alive then.” He was alarmed someone had planned this so far into the future. “I don't know how any of this happened, or who did it. You do have a spot reserved for you at our Academy. As for magic, anyone can learn. It just takes time and dedication. I suppose if you want me to throw you back to the Templar, it could be arranged.” Magnus just stared into the nearby fire thinking about the horrors the Templar would no doubt inflict upon him.

“I'll do it.” Sipho extracted a paper and quill from his desk and put them in front of Magnus “Just need you to sign this to show you have agreed to accept your position your benefactor filed for so long ago.” Magnus read through the simple document once before signing it. “Good now that we have the formalities out of the way, and you have your letter I can answer any other questions. Otherwise I have more people to inform.” He was looking expectantly at Magnus.

“How am I getting to the academy? Are you taking me?” He was looking hopefully at Sipho. “Oh my no, the energy I would expend tagging you along would slow me down. I have a lot of people to see. You have to find your own way there. Think of it as an additional test. You've got a few months before school starts. You could make it eat to Xiva in time with weeks to spare.” Magnus just stared at him with a gaping jaw “You can't be serious. Do you know what the Templar will do to me if they catch me? They might very well have a spy in here listening to us right now. Travel on my own is suicidal. You got to take me with you sir.”

Sipho just looked hesitant and worried now that Magnus brought this point up “I'm sorry I can't, official academy policy.” Magnus just leaned forward over the desk pleadingly “You have to help me or I'll never make it. I barely made it three towns east in my own country. With the Templar chasing me I won't last thirty minutes. There has to be something you can do, a way to work all of this out.” Sipho just sighed “Okay I can take you as far east as the borders of Xiva. I will drop you off just outside of the country, but not any further since it would count as helping you too much. However I need in writing a statement that your willing to help the academy out at a later date of our choosing.”

He had flicked his fingers and another much longer document appeared in front of him. “This basically states you owe us a favour of some kind. Assuming I help you. This favour will be determined later, but will be proportionate to what we offer you.” He was watching Magnus read through it carefully, he was frowning at some parts of the document. As soon as he got to the end he signed it “I'll be dead if I don't get out of here.” With another flick of his fingers the signed paper was gone. “Follow me Magnus.”

He walked through the hallways and into the twisting labyrinth of corridors before entering a moderate sized room. Inside was a circle surrounded by seven glowing white crystals. Magnus was inspecting one of them, and about to touch it when Sipho spoke up “Don't touch that! Nothing could happen, or you could be a pink bear afterwards to anything far stranger. Just don't, your not supposed to even be exposed to those yet.” Magnus backed away quickly and went to stay near Sipho “What are they? Look just like crystals to me.”

Sipho just looked at the crystal Magnus had almost touched “Raw magic. The power of infinite possibilities. Not to be trifled with, but you'll learn about the consequences of messing with that stuff later. Assuming you make the test.” Sipho dropped to the floor and closed his eyes calming himself. “Uh, what is this room for?” It took him several seconds for Sipho to speak up “This... is a meditation room with raw magic crystals. I could teleport without it, but it will be easier on me if we leave from here. I also have other stops, and I can't be tired for them.” With that he took to ignoring Magnus, and after a minute of silence Magnus was beginning to wonder if anything was happening.

Without any indication Magnus was almost completely surrounded by vast flat sands of a desert, only one one side was there sparse and stunted trees. Odd trees for a desert, the sharp needle trees would have fit a mountain. It was night time here too, and off in the distance he could see the borders of a forest popping up out of the desert. Master Sipho was wobbly getting to his feet. “Good thing my next few stops are closer. Won't need so much energy or concentration.” Magnus helped him to his feet and for a minute he stood just letting his body recover.

After his brief rest and his breath returning Sipho looks at Magnus “Just into the forest there is a small tavern acting as a stop over. You will be able to rest there and get supplies before heading to the city of Murua.” Magnus just nodded to him “What about this Raijang? Where will I meet him?” Sipho just thought about it for a few moments “Most likely inside of Murua. If my information I have is correct he is already there, or near there. Just report to the garrison there for more instructions. I'm sure he will turn up, and with that I must go. Good luck.” Magnus blinked and master Sipho was gone.

Looking around him he just stared at the immense forest looming off in the distance. So this was the land of magic. He turned his back to the sweeping deserts and started his long trek towards Xiva and freedom. His mild fear that he had no idea how anything worked in this country was overshadowed by the Templar. He was just glad he had given the Templar the slip, despite this he kept his hand on the hilt of his sword, just in case.

Chapter 2

A small man in extravagant green robes sat back in a chair laughing to himself. He was counting all of the money he had earned from the foreigners. He was letting each piece fall into the large pile of gold so he could hear the satisfying clink. His concentration and enjoyment was broken when his new assistant yelled out for him “Hey! Raijang, boss! Some friends are here to see you.” After a moment the young boy walked out back at break neck speeds. Raijang would have time to ask why he left the counter later, he had to make his payment.

Walking through the door to the front of the store he seen three guards in their leather armour. One had his helmet in his arms and was waiting for him to come through the door. The guard took one look over the skinny merchant, he locked eyes with the small man's beady black eyes before letting out a grunt of derision. Raijang just clapped his hands together “Hey! My favourite friends and customers, what can I get for you today? I'll assume the usual?” He threw a small sack of coins on the counter and waited for him to pick it up.

The leader of the guards just took one look at the man's greasy and slightly unkempt black hair before turning his attention to the sack of coins. He lifted them up with a smile on his face and a laugh his guards mirrored. “How long have we been doing this Raijang? We have a nice little thing going on here. So how much money did you make today selling bogus wears to ignorant foreigners?” Raijang was taken back by the question, they usually just stopped in for the money before leaving. “Uh, I think we're going on five years now. I made more than enough from their stupidity. Why do you need more Sargent?”

He just kept smiling “It's been an amazing arrangement, and this is our fifth anniversary. My kids have paid their way through school with this money. A little more would be great.” He places his hand on the hilt of his sword. Nervously Raijang pulled out another pouch and cautiously placed it on top of the counter. He tried to smile as he pushed the small sack of coins towards the Sargent but couldn't shake his bad feeling. “Thank you for such a generous display of wealth, but down at the garrison we've been getting too many complaints about some of your less than scrupulous trades.” Raijang was about to interrupt him, but the Sargent just ignored his protests “Complaints from people with money.”

Raijang froze when he heard that, he lunged forward at the Sargent “How much do you need? I can pay. Right now. Just don't cut me loose like this.” The guards had drawn their lances and were pointing them at his throat for his sudden movement. “I'm sorry, but my commanding officer is getting just a bit too suspicious about the arrangement, and I'm up for promotion on good behaviour pretty soon. He's asked me to bring you in.” Raijang just smiled, but stopped as soon as the Sargent continued to speak “I know what your thinking. Tell my superiors everything so that you can bring me down with you. I'm not going to let that happen.” He drew his sword from his hilt and looked at it to see if it was sharp.

“So men? Does he look like he's resisting arrest and endangering our lives?” They just laughed stupidly “Yes sir! We have no choice but to save ourselves.” Before they could even move towards Raijang he took off at a sprint and out into the back as he was speeding out the back door he could hear the Sargent yelling for his capture. As he ran into the back alley he seen a guard at the end of each side of the alley. When they seen him exit the building they started to run down the alley to catch him. Raijang started to sprint right at one of the guard's who's face was partially obscured by a cloth mask. As he got closer he let a blinding flash of light loose from his hand.

He had barely managed to evade the flailing guard by pressing his body next to the wall as he ran past him. Raijang kept up his sprint and soon was on the main street, he shoved aside anyone in his way. Looking behind him he could see the crowd was the only thing saving him, the guards were trying to line up shots with spells to take him down. He had no idea where he was running or what he could do at this point, but he was making for the edge of town. As he continued to run down the main road he seen a small checkpoint up ahead. They spotted him easily enough and left their post to start chasing him.

He cut into a back alley narrowly avoiding a dagger like shard of ice that had been sent flying over his shoulder. Running through the alley he knocked down any and all objects that might slow his pursuers. He was disheartened to see the guards simply jump over the barrels he had rolled at them and land gracefully on their feet to keep up with him. Several more shards of ice started to fly past him, and one succeeded in gracing his arm drawing blood. He managed to find his way back onto the street where they couldn't throw spells with such recklessness.

He was making progress, as he continued to speed on he could see the hill getting closer, and the buildings zooming bye were houses rather than shops or stalls. Here in the back part of the town the crowds were starting to thin and he could hear the tell tale whizzing sound of a shard of ice flying by. He cursed his luck as more guards appeared ahead on the street, these ones were armed with bows and were tracking his movement through the crowd. He turned into another alley, and this time he summoned all of his willpower to shatter some of the stone wall of a house to block the path through. He was smiling as he ran from the occupants yelling, and then his face well. The guards effortlessly ran up part of the wall to jump over the fallen stone.

He couldn't believe they were keeping up with him, and they didn't even look winded. Raijang was beginning to falter and his wild and reckless pace was finally starting to slow. He checked his pockets for anything that might help him, he cursed his luck in forgetting his dagger. Not like it would have helped much. This back alley was long and took him right to the edge of town if he could keep his pace. Then the spells started again, but this time they were weak and sporadic. All of the running must have finally started to take a toll on the soldiers. He might actually stand a chance to make it, after the last volley of spells no more came his way.

He was in the last block before he hit the slope of the small forested hill and a quick run up would lead him into the deeper and ticker parts. As he cleared the last two buildings from the alley and made his final sprint to the treeline, something suddenly crashed into him with immense force. The Sargent from earlier had figured out where he was headed and set a trap. Both Raijang and the Sargent toppled over and rolled from the momentum. Raijang had the wind crushed out of him by the sudden impact and went rolling over the dirt trying to get his wind back. The Sargent had fared better and after a quick roll managed to nimbly get back to his feet.

“[censored] you are one tough son of a [censored] to catch. Where did you learn to run like that?” He looked over at his men who were finally starting to catch up “That right there is why you learn how to teleport boys, never know when your going to get a runner like him. Quickly I need one of you to cut me with your weapon. Make it look like he was fighting for his life, but nothing too serious.” He let one of his men nick his cheek with the point of the Halberd before turning back to Raijang. He had only just started to get his breath back and crawl to his knees when the Sargent came back over to him with his blade drawn “End of the line for you punk.”

He was drawing back his blade ready to end the small merchants life with a single swift blow. Down the tip of the blade went, and just as it was about to contact Raijang neck the blade violently jerked to the side and landed stuck in the stone. The Sargent was just confused by this, he took a second to pull the blade out of the stone ground. He tried again and this time with the same result. The third time he put the blade above his head to chop the man's head off. The blow connected with something and he was blown back into his men.

He was picking himself up from the ground and the merchants eyes were glowing a bright white blue and were full of fury. He was beginning to levitate off the ground and rise into the air, the Sargent didn't want to find out what happened next. He threw out both hands in front of him and a massive blast of flame shot from his hand and engulfed the merchant. The forest was set ablaze instantly and the searing heat warped peoples vision. The smoke cleared violently in a swirl of air and the merchant was still there. He lunged at one of the guards who raised his spear in defence. The merchant passed through the tip unharmed.

He picked up the guard and a blue ghostly copy of himself emerged from the mans body writhing and screaming. This the man's spirit was ripped in half and quickly faded into nothing, his body dropped to the ground lifeless. The other guards tried to flee but Raijang erected a barrier of light, one of the guards who passed through it disintegrated before he knew what was happening. In fear they huddled together in a corner praying for their lives to be spared. No such luck was to be had as their bodies were svcked into a singularity and they were crushed from existence. Finally the blue wrathful eyes turned to the Sargent. A cruel smile appeared on Raijang's face, and an instant later the Sargent was feeble and old.

The light faded from Raijang's eyes and he fell to the ground. Around them the roaring inferno had begun to spread to the houses. It only took moments for more guards and townspeople to show up. They worked quickly to battle the inferno with blasts of water, and in a mater of minutes had the flames under control. The entire town was filled with smoke obscuring their vision. The Sargent just lay on the ground shocked from what had happened. Striding down the ruined part of town the Captain of the Watch in his silver lined armour was very angry at who ever had done this.

The Captain was a younger man who was still learning the ropes of being a guard, but he knew nobody had ever seen something so weird as this. He approached the Sargent laying on the ground, and his face fell into disbelief “My god is that you? What the hell happened to you? Where are your men?”. He helped the now old Sargent sit up, but the old man's eyes were filled with horror and he said nothing. “You need to let me know what did this.” The Sargent just starred in horror at Raijang who was still passed out on the ground. “He's just a boy with no training, there's no way he could have done this.”

Finally the Sargent snapped back to life his voice now feeble, he was unsure it was his own “He did, I swear it on my honour. He went all strange with those terrifying eyes that looked at you. When you look in them, there was this terrifying feeling he knew.” The Captain just frowned “Knew what? You need to tell me exactly what happened.” The Sargent just let out a mad cackling laugh “That he knew everything about your life. Like he looked upon an ant he was considering squishing.” The Captain knew he wouldn't get anything else out of his Sargent. It would be a long time before he was ready to talk to anybody, not to mention what the hell happened to him.

It was then that he was interrupted by someone clearing their throats. The Captain turned to see a small man walking towards him through the smoke. The man finally spoke up and he heard an old man's voice “I am Master Sipho, and I need to speak to that boy.” The Captain finally got a good look at him in his Irastai robes, and his hunched over figure. He was walking with a heavily laboured step as though he had come from far away. The Captain just got down to one knee “As you will, Sir. May I ask you a question before you see him?”
Master Sipho stopped walking and pondered it for a moment “Yes, you may Captain.” Taking this as his signal to rise he got back to his feet “Sir, what the hell happened here? No doubt one as powerful as yourself can feel the magic here. All around, I know I can sense it. It's unnerving... unfamiliar. Something we weren't taught at the Academy.” Master Sipho just stood there wondering how much to tell him “Captain there are some truly mysterious things in this world. Sometimes people are just born with an innate connection to magic.” The Captain just looked alarmed “Sir, that goes against almost everything we were taught. Everyone is capable of learning it to the same degree with diligent study.”

Master Sipho started to walk towards Raijang with the Captain in tow “That's correct, but this person isn't ordinary. It's unfortunate that your men have met such an end as this. We at the Academy will be taking this into our own hands. Though I may need your assistance once more before the day is through. Stay near.” The Captain took the hint and stopped following him. Sipho walked over to the unconscious Raijang and with a a brief pause for mediation awoke him.

Raijang was alarmed to see an old man standing in front of him, and he tried to quickly roll over and escape. He only succeeded in rising half way before collapsing to the ground. He felt more weak and tired than he had ever felt in his entire life. He rolled over on to his back so he might face his demise. He could tell he was in deep trouble now if they had brought an Irastai after him. He was curious why the old man didn't end it.

“Raijang Stormrage. I have an offer for you. I am Master Sipho from the Academy. I've come here with an offer. Your family have been great contributors to our school in the past. It was one of your ancestors wills that any member of the family may be offered training in the arcane arts. Your family goes back a long time, but it's been a few generations since a Stormrage has walked the halls.” Master Sipho was offering him a hand to help him up. Raijang rejected it and under his own force of will got to his feet.

“I knew this day was coming, and my answer is no. I will not be going to the academy. I like making money and the thrill of a good bargain. We've been merchants since my great grandfather. My dad got the same offer and he rejected it, you'll get the same from me. Good day... was it Master Sipho?” He was looking around at the devastation in confusion. “Uh, if you don't mind me asking. What happened here?” At this question Master Sipho just smiled and laughed.

“What happened? A fight broke out with some guards, and then you happened. You might not like it, but your family has always provided us with amazing Irastai of skill and ability. You on the other hand are something else. An amazing prodigy. How did you work your magic?” Sipho was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. “Uh, I don't know. One second I was about to be stabbed, and the next I awoke here feeling weak and tired. You tell me. I didn't do this.” Master Sipho beckoned him over to the Sargent from earlier.

The Sargent's eyes opened wide in terror at his sight. He was trying to back away from Raijang as fast as possible looking pathetic. Raijang just looked at him real carefully for a moment before seeing through the age and fear. “Is that... Sargent...” Sipho cut him off “Yes, it's the one who was chasing you. You did that to him.” He waited for the weight of his words to sink in. Raijang just leaned against a wall in shock and disbelief “No way, I might not be the friendliest guy around. But I can't do anything like that, I wouldn't.” The tone of his voice made him sound unsure.

“You can come with us, or be sent to jail and most likely executed for the murder of six guards.” Sipho's tone was serious and final. Raijang just looked around in awe “I don't remember, I don't know how. What if I lose control again?” Sipho's sounded sincere as he placed his hand on Raijang's shoulder “We have people at the Academy who can train you and teach you. Make sure this never happens again.”

After a few minutes of thinking Raijang just said “Alright I'll do it. I can't let this happen again. “For everyone's safety you should stay at the Fort here in town. If there is any charges against you they will be paid off by the Academy. Assuming you pass the trials. Now that this is settled I'm short on time, I must get back to the Academy to prepare.” The guards fearfully escorted Raijang to the fort, they made sure to keep their distance from him. Right now though all he needed was to rest and think about everything that had occurred.

Chapter 3

Magnus travelled far and fast to get to Murua on time, when he strolled into the boundaries of the city early that morning he was glad to be told he was ahead of schedule. Slowly strolling through town he was having difficulty making any progress to the Fort. Walking down the streets he soon came to the grand market street which could easily fit six carts from one side to the other. The stalls here were teeming with good from local merchants selling to travellers and foreign merchants from all over the world. He had never seen such a lively market in his life with people talking and having fun at the days activities, what bothered him the most was the lack of guards watching such a vast and chaotic area.

He had no trouble blending into a crowd for the first time in his life, he didn't have time to look at anything in detail as the crowds grew thicker and forced him to move along. Despite the fact he could see the Fort sitting atop a hill in the middle of the city he was delayed for hours by the ebb and flow of the crowds. He was too polite to barge past the manning rushing shoppers of the day. It was with great relief that someone finally seen his confused look and helped him out of the market. He made a personal vow to never go back there without someones help.

Finally free form the crowds he made his way to the Fort, he was looking over some of the wares he had bought. He had no idea why he needed singing lizard gullets or a shiny new cooking knife, but the merchants had made him feel bad if he looked and didn't buy anything. Realizing he didn't need any of the stuff he bought, and had no idea how to use most of it or no need of it he offered them to the nearest person. He quickly regretted this decision as it brought out the beggars who were pleading for help and assistance.

He was about to give in and toss all of his money to them when he finally came in sight of the Fort. The beggars left quickly and skulked off into the shadows. Even though he let out a sigh of relief, he found it more than a little odd they would all disperse so quickly around the Fort. Pushing the uncomfortable thoughts from his mind he walked up to the massive iron gate. With a brief explanation the guards lazily waved him in.

The interior of the fort wasn't anything like he would have expected. It looked more fit for administration uses with many rooms being used as richly decorated offices. He was directed higher up in the fort where he was directed to speak to a Commander Egaun. Magnus meekly walked down the royal scarlet covered hallways and stairway, he eventually found a large room marked ass the office of the Commander. The guard posted outside of the room just told him to have a seat and wait while they summoned him.

Magnus wasn't used to a fort looking so utilitarian, all of the ones he had been to or served in were strictly prepared for battle and sparse in decoration. His thoughts were interrupted as in strode a very buff looking old man. Magnus had to note his armour was different from all of the others he had seen, it had a decorative silver inlay and ruins threaded into. “Ah another student come here for more information. Your name is?” Magnus quickly spoke up “Magnus, Sir... uh.. sorry.” Egaun just smiled “You never can take the military out of a man. That let's me sleep a little bit easier tonight knowing at least someone going into that damn swamp has some training.” Magnus just raised his eyebrow “Swamp?”

The Commander waved him off “We have one more person we're waiting on. He's being fetched from his room, I have to explain this to both of you.” As they were waiting the Commander noticed Magnus looking around at the Fort “Is there something wrong son?” Magnus wasn't sure if he should bring it up, but couldn't help himself “Uh, Sir this Fort doesn't look very defensible. Is this really a military outpost?” Egaun just shook his head “Foreigners, it might not look like it but this Fort is more battle ready than anything Shornaren could muster. Without going into details we are masters of magic for a reason. Why do we need a trebuchet if we can hurl stone from the earth?” Before Magnus could respond the Commander looked up at a new comer “There you are Raijang, took you long enough.”

“Yea, well you know I don't like to disappoint. I had to make sure my entrance was timed perfectly.” The short man just brushed the guard off and walked over to the desk and sat down beside Magnus. Commander Egaun looked irritated when he did this, but said nothing. “Magnus, this is to be your partner for the exercise in the swamp. His name is.” Raijang cut up him off “My name is Raijang Stormrage, and I'm more than capable of introducing myself.” Magnus just looked at him dubiously wondering if this was some kind of joke. He was questioning Raijang's moral integrity already and he just met him.

The Commander just barged his way past Raijang “As I was saying he is to be your partner for this trial. I am legally, morally, and personally obliged to tell you he had an arrest warrant before the council hand waived his charges on account of him going to the Academy.” Raijang was just leaning back in his chair relaxed, the Commander was waiting for him to interrupt when he didn't he continued “He was charged with fraud and some tax evasion. I also learned after the fact he was bribing some of my guards who are no longer with us.” This is where Raijang interjected “Yea, but it was their idea. Please, place the blame where it should go.”

Commander Egaun had his face in his hands and took a deep breath “Just keep your eye on him. Now let's get down to business. Your task is simple, you are to make your way to the Academy, but you have to pass through the borders of the swamp. Think of it as a test of survival, you'll need your wits and your blade for this one.” Magnus who's eyes had been darting between them as they had been verbally sparring finally spoke up now that they had cooled down “Why do we have to go into this swamp? It's just a swamp right?” Egaun just shook his head “No, unfortunately that place is... horrific Even patrolling the edges of it where light still shines I lose men. I hate that we have to send the students there, but it's the only way they learn.”

Magnus was the last one to speak up “Egaun, is there anything else, or are we free to go?” He just stood up and offered his hand to Magnus “Good luck, your a good man Magnus. Best be on your way though, the swamp has ways of playing tricks with the time.” He escorted the two of them to the door of his office and showed them out, but before Magnus could even get half way down the hall he head him being called into the room for forgetting his papers. Raijang just kept walking on and down the stairs so Magnus doubled back quickly.

Egaun was waiting for him to appear, he didn't have any papers. Magnus was just looking at him confused, but let him speak first. “Magnus you should know the circumstances in which we arrested Raijang. He devastated a squad of my best men with magic that even the Irastai were suspicious of. I'm telling you right now there's something not right with him. Really do keep your eye on him out there, for everyone's sake. You should go and catch up so he doesn't get suspicious. Here take this note, your going to need its directions.” With that he held out a small paper for Magnus. He just gave the boy one last bow before really letting him go.

As they left the gate of the Fort one of the guards kicked Raijang out the last few feet. He got to his feet quickly and turned to look at the idiot who kicked him “Awww, you mad Larie, no more money coming you way? I guess it wasn't worth a suspension and performance review after all.” The guard was about to come to blows with Raijang but he was pulled back by others. Magnus had an easy enough time pulling Raijang away who kept insisting on showing him who's boss. After he had managed to drag Raijang away down the road he let him go. “So, what did the senile old man forget to give you?”

“I have no idea, haven't had time to look with how your acting. Is there anywhere we can go to just sit while I read through it? I'm feeling incredibly tired after my trek here, I'm going to need some proper rest before we go into the swamp.” Raijang didn't say anything, he just guided Magnus into town. He walked quickly into town, and Magnus was more than a little alarmed to see the crowds giving him a wide girth. He was scowling at all of them for how they were looking at him, but he walked on in silence past the markets and into the back alleys.

Soon he led them to a marvellously crafted and sculpted wooden tavern going by the name of the Tika's Goldenvine Tavern. Raijang just raised his arm to the magnificent structure “It's the premier place in town to get a drink, If I'm standing a good chance of dieing in the swamp I want to get wasted at least one more time.” He led Magnus up the polished stairs to the double doors with their golden handles and knockers. “Behold the most majestic tavern in all of the land.” He sounded genuinely happy now that he was here, and his rude demeanour vanished as he swung open one of the doors so Magnus could enter.

As Magnus stepped through the door he was hit by a satisfying and heady smell that left him feeling calm and relaxed. The barmaid behind the counter just giggled at him as he came through the door, he was intoxicated off of the smell and the warm atmosphere. Eventually he got over the initial rush to the senses and stiffened up when he seen the barmaid laughing at him. He couldn't stammer out anything to say to her, so she just sympathized “Don't worry, that happens to a lot of first timers. I hear it's even better for foreigners. Now can I take your order?”

Raijang followed Magnus in and up to the counter. Then Magnus finally managed to stammer out what he had been trying to say “I don't drink.” Raijang was taken back by such a ludicrous claim and could only stammer, the waitress just laughed again “That's okay, we offer other drinks here too such as different kinds of tea and coffee.” Magnus was still overwhelmed by everything “Do you just want me to pick something for you? It's always a little confusing the first time.” All Magnus could do was nod as he looked over the immense menu unsure of what most of it was. “Thanks for going easy on him Tika, he's having a bit of a culture shock.”

They were led up to a table on the third floor with a vast scenic view of the city. This place was one of the few buildings that was this tall. “Raijang aren't you ordering anything?” He just shook his head “Nah, they know what my usual order is, and I don't feel like mixing it up tonight.” The two sat in silence while they each took a turn looking over the note. Raijang abandoned it quickly as soon as he seen the waitress coming with his drink and food. Magnus had to snatch it quickly before it got thrown off the table.

All they had to do before heading out was going to a local merchant supplying them their gear for the test. After that they would take the north east road to the swamp which was a few days travel north east. For now they just wanted to put the test from their mind and eat one last good meal before they were gone. They ate in awkward silence, and even Magnus had given up on trying to start a conversation they both found interesting. They got up quickly after eating to go and pay so they could be out doing something.

The waitress was still sitting behind the counter an hour later “Ah here to pay? You know the usual Raijang. Your friend though probably doesn't. Your separate bills come to one hundred gold pieces each.” Raijang was counting out the coins from his pouch “Excellent food and drink as usual Tika.” Magnus was in shock at how much Raijang was counting out “Why didn't you tell me this place was so expensive? This isn't right... so many people could eat for that price.” Tika's happy face fell into a frown, before she could speak Raijang interjected “Don't worry he's good for it.” Magnus just stood there in abject disgust at what he had done “I can't pay that. It's practically my life savings.”

Tika was beginning to scowl at the moocher, but Raijang got between them to settle the two down before a scene broke out. “Here, I'll cover my friend this time. I'll pay extra to make up for the trouble, sorry Tika he's very new in town. Doesn't have a clue, please forgive him.” He threw down the entire pouch of money “There, three hundred. Forgiven?” She just looked suspiciously at Magnus and then coyly to Raijang “Yea, I'll forgive the little dodger this time. Your one of my most regular customers, you wouldn't cause trouble on purpose.” Raijang just returned the smile and shoved Magnus out of the luxurious tavern forcefully before he could say anything.

“God your so... clueless. Have some tact man, you should have said up front you didn't have the cash.” Magnus face fell into a dead pan “Your the one assuming I'm rich apparently.” Raijang was just leading him out and back into the markets “Your a Knight aren't you? You haven't taken your armour off since we met. Aren't Knight's rich?” Magnus was just offended “No... well. I'm not.” Raijang just sighed “Great I got the only clueless and poor Knight in all of the world as a partner. Just fantastic, let's get this over with okay? I know this merchant we had a little deal going on where we would distribute our prices accordingly. Maybe he can sneak us some extra stuff or something.”

Magnus didn't have time complain as he had to keep up with the agile Raijang who was navigating the crowd like a real local. Only if he paused for Magnus to catch up would the locals back away from him to give him a clear path. It didn't take long for Raijang to lead the blundering Magnus into a store labelled as an 'The Outfitters'. The small jingle of a bell greeted them as the two walked into the dusty and old store. An old man missing an eye looked up at Raijang and smiled when he came in “So the pike twirlers finally caught you eh?” Raijang just laughed “They tried, but they were a little too distracted. How you doing Yecht?”

He ponderously arose from his chair “Can't complain now that I have one less competitor.” He started to laugh at this “So I hear they finally managed to get you to go to the [censored] Academy?” Raijang just took a seat on a crate near the tough looking old man “Yea, took them long enough to find a way to bribe me. Who knows maybe I'll find a way to make gold and we can make off like bandits.” As Yecht laughed at Raijang's jokes Magnus was having trouble placing his nationality. He had dark skin, but not like the locals.

“So I'm guessing your here for your Academy supplies for the swamp? You can only take in what they give you, or allow in this case.” He had pulled out to packs from behind the counter that looked identical and both were filled. Raijang started to look through his and compare it to the list he had been given. “I threw in some extra food and supplies for old times sake, I couldn't sneak you anything too good though. I would rather not anger the Academy.” Finally he decided to take note of Magnus “So. This is the guy you've been partnered with eh?” He was looking at Magnus dubiously.

“Yecht this is Magnus. Magnus this is Yecht. He doesn't look like much now, but back in the day we would concoct some pretty hair brained schemes. He was a good friend of my fathers who took to watching over me for a little while. You know, after he passed away.” Yecht was just laughing “Yea yea, I'm not young like I used to be. I can still run a con better than you, and don't you forget it. I've still got my store.” Magnus wasn't sure what to do, so just meekly said hello. The two continued to talk and joke for some time, Yecht had been looking at Magnus curiously for quite some time. Beofre Raijang was about to leave he finally stood up.

“Ah, got it now. I've seen armour like that before when I was out west. Your from Shornaren aren't you? Based upon the insignia on your armour I would say your just a lowly Sunrell.” Magnus was caught off guard “Uh yea, I didn't expect anyone to figure that out.” Yecht was still looking curiously at him “What's a lowly squire like you doing out here then? Would your commanding Knight approve of this?” Magnus didn't answer “Ah, so I take it you ran into some trouble then. Say no more, we've all been there.” Magnus finally had a question “So how do you know about our traditions?”

Yecht just pointed to his armour and the decorative ruins in Shornaren on it “Your armour is known from where I come from in the west. It means keep your head down when you see it, or there's going to be trouble. That and I had a friend who defected from the Knight's once. He didn't make it much further then the eastern border.” Magnus was looking at him confused “The only nation I know to the far west is my own homeland of Shornaren. There is no other.” At this Raijang and Yecht looked each other in the eye before laughing “Okay then Mr. Sunrell, you know what's best.”

Raijang just bowed his way out of the store apologizing about Magnus being new in town. They went to the eastern edge of the town and found an inn. Before he went to sleep Raijang stopped Magnus “You got to pick stuff up quickly, your excuse is going to wear thin fast at this point.” Magnus just ignored him and went to his room. They both knew rest was important for the coming trip through the swamp.

Didn't finish your story, not saying that it's bad, just that I'm not a reading mood, this is what I have to say:



You better learn the differences between "you're" and "your" if you want anything published.

:facepalm:

Edit
I only posted this revised one because I said I would earlier, but at this point I just want to work on it and get it done. If it still svcks then, I will of course hand everyone the tomatoes myself. I've primarily posted version two for those kind enough to have tried to slog through version one.

Honestly I haven't managed to read not even close to everything you've provided, but please:


Read the bolded sentence carefully a couple of times and explain to me what weird sort of law is that? :P

Also, I must second this:

So far in the part that I've read, every single time you've written "your" in place of "you're". And apparently it's not just in the part that I've read because searching for "you're" in the first post's text returns not a single result. Which, honestly, is really bad. I can understand that you mechanically make the typo of replacing "you're" with "your" every now and then, but every single time? You have to discipline your writing better because now going through that whole wall of text in order to find which "your"s need to be replaced with "you're"s will be a bloody pain in the neck. :s

edit:
And I've just searched through this text as well:


Not a single "you're" in it.

edit2: In fact, I haven't searched for "you're", I've searched for "you'" (there's an apostrophe after the "you" there) and haven't gotten a single hit. Which means that the text contains neither "you're", "you've" nor "you'd", but the only real problem is that there's not a single occurrence of "you're" because you apparently (try to) use that contraction a lot in your writing style and that there's not a single occurrence of it in your text means that every single time you've replaced it with "your", or something else.

Friend, I think you've got quite the opportunity. Get an editor to look over it and send it to a publisher. I can tell you right now, you've got my money waiting for you That's not a sarcastic smiley, that's a "You're going to do this well" smiley

But you better make sure it's available across the nation so those of us in small towns can get our hands on it

What about us not in "the" nation?

I play with my story and content so much I'm not editing anything right now. When my ideas are flowing for the plot my brain shuts down in terms of the little things. Considering this is my first book I'm not sure what's better to write and perfect each chapter as I go along, or to just get my plot and its pacing finalized before I edit to perfection. I thank people for looking over this, I have not gone back on my word of providing a rewrite, but I just want to get the story to a done and a finalized piece. Then I can go all edit crazy, though technically this is revision.

Kaelthas and Jaina are major figures in Warcraft. Stormrage is the surname of Illidan Stormrage, another major figure in Warcraft.

I sincerely suggest that you finalise on what you want to write first, know how it will end, then stop developing the plot, stop adding any interesting idea that you have, and start writing. Otherwise, you will find yourself derailing the story, adding more loopholes and also making it hard to manage your previous chapters.

That's the plan Kyuuen. Also yea I realized that after the fact, and those names are gone. Raijang Stormrage is temporary, hideous name, but all I could think of on short notice. That and it dealt with out of date lore which I'm discarding because it was also from a terrible early draft. All of the mages from the eastern nation would have had names with some sort of elemental connection to show their family lineage/specialty. There's still a few names in there that have to be changed accordingly. Also you were reading draft one sneak, draft two is further down in the thread.