Chapter Thirteen


Inside the warm castle of Cheydinhal, Acerbus stayed hidden among the many shadow covered walls. Jena was trailing behind, her eyes skittering from one wall to the other. This would be her first real killing, as far as Acerbus knew, because he had never seen her leave the sanctuary.

Acerbus twisted around and questioned, "Are you nervous?" She nodded slowly. He smiled at her and then motioned for her to follow him. "Come on."

They eased their way into the great hall of the castle, all the while the guards walked right past them without even as much as a glance in their direction. Acerbus made his way towards the Count's private quarters, but made a detour to the guard captain's quarters, instead.

Jena was told to stay behind and watch Acerbus' back.


Acerbus entered the captain's quarters to see the Dark Elven captain sitting at a desk, writing something indistinguishable from Acerbus' position. The Elf put his quill down and said, "Acerbus, it is good to see you again."

Acerbus took a few steps back and replied, "How do you know who I am?" The captain chuckled and stood from his chair, turning to face the shocked vampire.

"I am Galvon, former member of the Esoteric Fangs and current captain of the castle guard here in Cheydinhal," He said, baring his teeth for Acerbus to see. "I knew your father when he was around. Shame he's dead. You were just a baby then and you look very different now, but your scent is? unique."

Acerbus relaxed at the mention of his father and then said, "What?" Galvon laughed again and motioned for Acerbus to sit, which he did.

"You shouldn't worry yourself about it," Galvon assured. "I assume you came here for something else?" Acerbus nodded and told the Dunmer about the problem that the small village was in.

Acerbus then realized that killing this elf would only set his problems in deeper, especially due to the fact that he was once a respected member of the guild and he may be a bit more powerful than Acerbus. Farwil Indarys, newly appointed Count of Cheydinhal and son of Andel Indarys, he will be the next one.

"? and they would like for you to stop throwing the bodies in the lake. Does that sound fair enough?" He asked.

Galvon shook his head and replied, "But then, where would we put the bodies, youngling?"

"You could eat them."

Galvon was in a laughing mood, obviously, as he let off another chuckle and then lowered his voice, "My, my. Acerbus, I am a vampire not some cannibalistic Bosmeri tribesman. I can drink the blood, yes, but I refuse to eat the body."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"Don't fret, youngling. We could burn the bodies, though. But that would produce a nasty smell. I, for one, don't like the smell of burning flesh and the fire wouldn't be friendly to my body either," He stated.

"I suppose the people of Harlun's Watch will have to deal with the Lycans for a while longer," Acerbus replied, a bit of frustration fighting its way out of his mouth. He stood and turned towards Galvon, "I hope we have the pleasure of meeting again, Galvon."

**********

Outside the room, Acerbus moved towards Jena, "Let's go." She hurriedly fell behind him.

They made their way towards the Count's Quarters, dodging guards and servants along the way.

At the door of the Count's quarters, Acerbus once again told Jena to wait outside and he entered the dark room. He wanted to make sure that Galvon hadn't followed them down the hall and Jena's excellent eyes would prove a good help.

He could smell Farwil from the other side of the room, sleeping calmly and not stirring at all.

Acerbus eased his way up to the count, seeing his beautiful Altmer wife lying next to him. A feeling of sadness crept up inside of him. What if he had children? He has a wife why not children? Acerbus shook the thoughts from his mind and slid his newly acquired blade from its sheath; it moaned slightly and Acerbus nearly felt like crying at that moment, but he knew it would do him no good.

He stood and lifted the blade into the air. He brought it down with enough force to puncture the throat and not disturb his sleeping wife. It slid into the neck as easily as a hot knife through butter and blood began pouring from the wound. Acerbus began having the same dreadful feeling of remorse. He was sad for the Altmer woman lying next to her now dead husband. I know he felt nothing. He thought to himself.

Acerbus pulled a quill and a piece of parchment from his pack, dipping it in the blood of Farwil Indarys. The remorseful vampire began writing a poem.

Into the void he goes
Unknown to him who took his life
Take this opportunity to accept the offer I have made
And leave the dead within
Burn their corpses with the fires of hell
And let them not float into the murky waters

He laid the parchment on the bedside table and crept from the room.

Very nice, V. I don't have a whole lot say, other than I can't wait to see where the murder takes us. Excellent work.

No comments? Suggestions? Give me your best shot.

I took the time to go through your writing up to chapter ten. You will probably want to kill me after you read this but that's what writing and critiquing is all about.


"When you are done with them or you find anything useful, come back and we'll give you your next assignment."
I find this sentence too in-game. In a story where you try to simulate real life, a reward for a completed hard task would not be yet another hard task. Just doesn't make sense.

"Go on, J'Keri. Tell him and your death will come quick."
Seemed like a very juvenile threat for an ancient vampire to say it to another ancient vampire.

"It bothered him only a little but not much."
Either it bothered him or not. You can't have it both ways.

I don't understand why Acerbus would be sent on a mission alone. If it is a trap or a suicide mission, it's too obvious. And it's even more bizzare that Ralas, being the experienced ancient, would not realize Acerbus would ask someone to go with him.

"The darkness was soothing to him, tenderly caressing him in its cool arms and protecting him from danger."
That was more poetic than the poem from the previous chapter.

Chapter seven was very good. The action was fluent, without the unnecesary description that would slow the pace down. The whole thing happened in a few seconds so taking time to describe would make it seem longer. Good work.

"Acerbus said, his tongue sliding across his canine teeth..."
Um... Acerbus is a vampire, right? For a moment there I thought he was a werewolf. You

"He asked, knowing that the wolf would not answer back."
This seemed obvious. You don't need to waste words on this.

"It wasn't a surprisingly large cavern. It was a small one with four separate hallways..."
You literally told the same thing twice: the cavern is small. You should avoid repeating yourself.

"We need to rest, so let's go to bed."
Again. If you need rest, you usually don't go running around the place. One sentence would me enough.

"We have a few hours until sunset, what are we going to do?... Have you named him yet?"
From 'what will we do' to 'what did you name your pet wolf'? The context somehow seems out of place.

"D-don't do this, p-please. You're a m-monster. H-how could y-you do th-this t-to me?"
Doesn't sound like a very powerful person. Usually powerful people show contempt for their torturers by insulting them or something.

"He brought the dagger up and shoved it into Altor's neck. He screamed loudly..."
I doubt a stab in the neck would make a man scream loudly. He would not even be able to draw breath. Facts must make sense.

"Her lips were Her eyes were the same color of many of the vampires from Cyrodiil..."
You seemed to missed a sentence there.

"The wolf's pure white coat was beautiful in the moonlight."
More poetry. It sounds very nice, but I don't see the need for it in that particular spot.

"It creaked loudly and when it shut, the lock clicked noisily."
A pretty detail but unnecessary for the story.

"The dog obeyed and began to trot in front of him."
A wolf suddenly changed into a dog. Keep an eye on your facts.

Chapter Nine: somehow it seemed strange that vampires would need to stay in an inn. They care too much for comfort. Vampires are usually too robust to care. At least that is my opinion.

"She let off a giggle."
This is an example that made me think that these characters are children or at least teenagers.

"You forget that Acerbus wears his hood rather low over his face. And sorry about that sidetracking thing, I'll fix that later."
You can't expect for people to remember such detail if you don't explicity show it at the propper moment.

Chapter Ten: wouldn't a bartender be suspicious if a person sleeps through the whole day to come down in the evening? Afterall, vampires are notorious creatures. You don't want do draw suspicion like that.

"Acerbus truly loved the feel of moonlight on his skin, as cool and embracing..."
Another dose of poetry. For some reason, such a sentence among all the modern language seems so out of place, no matter that it sounds very good.

"I'll not have a friend do drugs under my nose."
Seems out of place. What does this matter to the story? And Acerbus' response seems wildly out of proportions.

"Why'd you do that, Acey?"
Sounds too modern. Acerbus gets all these nice little nicknames all of a sudden.


All in all, you have plenty of ideas and the will to put them on paper. Which is great. Don't lose that joy of writing and you are on your way of becoming a real writer if that is indeed your goal.
I can easily see that your concentration does waver sometimes. You have days when you are not as good as before and it shows in your writing. I'll take a guess that you're somewhere between 15 and 18 years old. That would explain how you seem to wander from one thought to the next. With time and experience your writing will focus. I know this because I was exactly the same at that age. Heaps of ideas but not enough experience to know how to tell them in a good way.

All I can say is: you will improve with time if you keep trying hard enough. And don't let anyone's opinion stop you on your way.

Okay, I read your critiques and I have to say one thing. Alot of these mainly talk about my vampires being childish, again. But what you don't understand is that not all vampires are cold blooded killers who don't have feelings or are never scared; they are no more human than you and I, only except that they're dead and what not.

Acerbus and Jena are both young vampires, in a vampire kind of way , and it's only natural for them, Jena especially, to say things that are seemingly childish at times. As I said in the paragraph above, they are not cold blooded killers and sometimes Jena's way of breaking tension would be to say something stupid to get Acerbus to laugh, which he does.

Jena gives Acerbus nicknames because she likes him and back in medieval times, nicknames were not uncommon and were used among friends and the like. It may seem modern, but in fact, it is not. This brings me to the point that I made above, them being young, seeing as Jena wasn't above the twenty year old mark when she was infected and Acerbus was born into it, which I suppose grants him a young face.

Just remember, Peleus, that my vampires are not like the ones you see in-game and you probably won't see them anywhere else. I'm sorry if they seem childish and I'm assuming you can't get attached to them. I've explained the best I can and I appreciate you posting. Oh, and I'm not going to kill you or anything.

Everything else you mentioned I believe can be worked on, on my part.

Thanks,
Lord V.

Acerbus's looks reminds me of Jackie from The Darkness

Never seen it if it was a movie and never read it if it was a book or graphic novel. This all came outta my head.