This thread is awesome.
Edit: I thought that I might be useful and review your first chapter. Lol, kind of behind, aren't I?
Well, the first little bit of nitpicking I have to offer is a little spelling error.
weren't poor, but they still could not afford such expences.
expences -> expenses.
Of course, that's tiny.
About the intro: You painted a pretty good picture with the first few sentences, but some of it was rather...
much.
Young Alisa walked joyfully down the street from the Mages Guild, clutching a big book to her chest. It was a book about alteration.
It was useless to most mages, because it consisted mostly of just basic, and outdated, knowledge and spells. Something every mage had learned their first years of studying.
That last one seemed like a fragment, you could of molded it together like:
Young Alisa walked joyfully down the street from the Mages Guild, clutching an ancient book that most modern mages would consider irrelevant and even outdated.Also, about the Isrill fellow, if you could expand more on those kind of people to show their relationship to the protagonist, it greatly affects the story in a positive way. So, like, if you ever end up introducing this mage in your writing, than the reader already has a good amount of background knowledge on him.
Also, you state that her family could not afford such "financial services". You could always add more to that, and answer Who,What,When,Where and Why. When you introduce her family, you can say that "they live here, they do this for a living, they have this problem and that problem. etc."
I found myself knowing very little of the Protagonist, Alisa. I was able to find out stuff from the link you posted, but it is always good that you have alot about the Protagonist posted in the very first chapter. This way, the reader easily identifies the character's thoughts, actions, flaws, and perks.
So, the main thing that you could improve on: Adding more to what you already have. A good way to do this is to go back, reread what you have just written, and add some more stuff. It is always a good tip to have the 5 "W" questions (the ones listed up above) apply to everything you mention. Of course, you don't want to go repeating stuff, so that is why word choice and diction is an important skill.
» Fri May 13, 2011 4:53 pm 
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