The Metropolis

Post » Fri May 13, 2011 1:38 pm

The Metropolis

This Fan-fiction (Fan-fic) takes place in the universe of Fallout. Fallout takes place in the post-apocalyptic United States years after nuclear bombs devastated the earth during World War III (aka the Great War) in 2077. Few Americans found homage inside underground vaults and repopulated the United States wastes years after the initial bombs hit. My Fan-fic takes place in the post apocalyptic ruins of New York City. There is no set canon for New York currently in the Fallout Universe so it’s pretty much an open book for me to write about. Don’t worry I’m not planning on using my literary license to have power-armored troops running around New York!



Chapter 1

Fifth Avenue Subway, Underneath New York City : May 14th, 2291


Landon Quinn took a long drag on his cigarette as he awaited the arrival of the underground train. He was sitting uncomfortably on a steel bench just a couple of feet away from the subway track, many bystanders were conjugating around the edge of the floor near the tracks. They were all beneath the surface of what was known as New York City, in what used to be known as the Metropolitan Subway Station, awaiting what used to be known as a Subway. Landon took another drag on his cigarette, he felt a tug on the back of his jean jacket. Landon turned around to see a small boy who couldn’t be more than the age of 8 standing behind him.

“Excuse me mister, do you know where my momma went?” the little boy was nearly in tears. “She was pulled aside by the guards when we entered the station and she hasn‘t come back yet.” The little boy was pointing towards the entrance and where the guards pulled his mother away. ‘That’s interesting,’ Landon thought to himself. He’d never heard of the Emperor’s guards pulling civilians aside when they entered the station, well unless they were packing heat of course. Landon’s thoughts were interrupted by the little boy.

“Mister, please she’s all I have left,” he said. Landon knew the train was going to arrive momentarily, but he felt obligated to help the poor child. Landon got up from off the bench and his lanky spine cracked as he did. Landon was by no means tall (only standing at about 5’11) but he was very thin which made him look taller than he actually was. His greased down, shaggy, brunette hair ran down to the back of his neck, and stopped right before it reached his forest green eyes. He was packing a 9mm pistol on the inside of his jacket, but it was hidden from plain sight.

“Alright boy, let’s go find your mother and fast as well because the train should be here any minute,” Landon croaked. Even though he was seventeen years of age, Landon still had a shaky voice and the occasional ‘voice crack’ uncontrollably happened. Landon strode out of the loading dock and the little boy followed along behind. They took a sharp left hand turn and up the broken down escalator now used as a staircase. At the top of the escalators was the entry-way where civilians were still being escorted to the loading dock. Guards in jet-black and scarlet-red painted combat armor were patting down the civilians to make sure they weren’t carrying weapons into the station.

“Excuse me civilian, where do you suppose you’re going?” one of the guards had halted Landon and the little boy. He had his index finger around the trigger of a medium sized rifle which Landon assumed was an assault carbine. His facial expression was unconvincingly serious and Landon was not intimidated.

“Actually officer,” Landon started. “This is our destination, I’m here to find this little boy’s mother,” the guard looked down at the boy and bent down so they could see eye to eye.

“Ah yes, your mother should be at the loading dock,” the guard replied. “Now little boy, you better run along or you’ll both miss the train,” the guard turned towards Landon. “And what a shame that would be,” Landon stepped in front of the boy and pushed him behind his body.

“You’re a lying son of a [censored],” Landon said. “Where’s the woman? Or do I have to find out for myself?” The guard was alarmed at his behavior and he turned to the other guard on patrol. That’s when Landon saw the tattoo on the man’s neck.

‘A barcode?’ Landon thought to himself. ‘Oh holy [censored] this isn’t one of the emperor’s men!’ Landon grabbed for his pistol with his right hand in his jacket but the guard saw him out of the corner of his eye and hit Landon’s arm with the rear of his carbine. Landon reacted quickly and grabbed he carbine with his left hand and pulled hard. The guard gave a jolt forward and Landon kneed him in the crotch.

The man fell to the floor in great pain releasing the carbine from his grasp and Landon picked it up and with all the force he could put behind it smashed the rear of the carbine into the man’s skull. The guard hit the floor unconscious and the other guard had his own carbine pointed towards Landon.

“It seems that you have a traitor amongst your ranks,” Landon told the other guard pointing at the tattoo on the unconscious guards neck. This did not seem to phase the guard at all.

“Not just one traitor,” the other guard said and shot at Landon and even though they were only roughly fifteen feet away from each other managed to only hit him in the leg. Landon fired unstably but managed to hit the other guard once in the skull, and four times to the chest. The civilians waiting on the other side of the glass wall awaiting to get into the loading dock stood, to frightened to move.

“People it seems that these guards were not the Emperor’s men, please I recommend you carry on and take the train to Hattan as quickly as possible,” Landon told them. He limped over to the guard he had just killed and picked up his security key and rounds of 5mm ammunition. The little boy was walking towards him seemingly afraid.

“Mister what happened to my mother,” the boy said shakily. The pain in Landon’s leg had all but blocked him from hearing the boy’s constant whining.

“One minute,” Landon said out in pain. He looked around and saw an old office and crawled over to the entrance and used the key to open the door.

“Mmhmhm!!” was the only response that the people inside the office could muster. They were all tied up and there mouths had been duct taped closed. Landon coughed furiously and crawled over to short, stubby man who was squirming all over the floor. Landon ripped the duct tape off his lips.

“UNTIE ME YOU FOOL!” the man yelled almost immediately after Landon had just rescued him. Landon placed the duct tape back on the man’s mouth and crawled over to the woman the little boy was standing near.

“This is her! This is my momma,” the little boy shouted. Landon carefully removed her duct tape and untied the knotted rope thus freeing her.

“Oh Todd I’m so happy you’re okay,” the woman said to her son in tears as she wrapped him in her arms. Landon rolled over in pain.

“I don’t mean to break up the family reunion, but could you go over to the first aid box and get me a stimpak?” Landon asked her. She did as she was told and returned to Landon with a stimpak which he injected into his leg. The bullet hole above his kneecap began to heal almost magically and Landon was able to stand up with the help of the mother.

Landon began untying the remaining trapped civilians, even the short and stubby man who he would’ve rescued before if he hadn’t been so crude. One by one they all told Landon the same story. They had been dragged away by the guards into this office for further inspection when inside they were knocked out and tied up.

“I think you all should head to the loading dock, the train should be arriving any time now,” Landon told them once they were all free. He saw Todd and his mother exit the office and walk back with the others to the loading dock. He exited the office and took one last look at the unconscious guard laying in the middle of the floor. The barcode tattoo disturbed him immensely, but before he had a chance to take a closer look at it, he heard the train arrive. He ran down to the loading dock and blended into the crowd as he entered one of the three carriages the train had. He took a seat on a cushioned bench and began pondering about the barcode and the numbers on it. He could only think of one possible reason for it and the answer hit him like a brick wall.


‘That man was a slave.’


-----

Well tell me what you guys think, feel free to post your opinions I'm open to constructive criticism.
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Lil'.KiiDD
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 5:14 pm

Well I liked it, though to be honest I am a bit sceptical of a working subway. That said I am interested as to why it indeed works and about the empire thats going on in your story which is a good thing err i think heh. Thats all I can offer as I am just a reader heh mainly
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Avril Churchill
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 6:06 am

Hopw is it that you posted this under thirty minutes ago and it already got more notability than mines?
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John N
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 7:16 pm

Welcome! Saint!

Hopw is it that you posted this under thirty minutes ago and it already got more notability than mines?


Life is weird like that. Maybe the title looked more promising? We may never know.

But. This is Saint's fanfic, an awesome one at that. At first I was a little bit disappointed because the first two paragraph's weren't really enticing me and then it picked up and I was loving it. It's a really great start to a potentially epic fanfic and I'm impressed. Which I guess, isn't really saying much. The only thing is that, besides the stimpack, it really doesn't seem to have that fallout feel to it. It feels like it could be modern day America almost.

Remember to write out the numbers one through ten: he was eight years old, not 8.

Be careful with word choice. I don't think "lanky" is a characteristic I would give to a spine, but that's just me. Still word weaving is everything, and since that mainly depends on your style, I'll try not to get into to it too much.

As of right now, I'm anxious for you to continue, great start Saint.

Good Luck.

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lucile
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 8:49 pm

It's awesome. But I didn't get the slave part.
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Amy Smith
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 4:29 pm

Alrighty, sorry about my earlier spill, I do also give cont. crit. I do believe that a tad but more backstory could have been given to the "bad guy's". Like, since your in a different city with a different backdrop, you could have told us about the new New York and who is in power. Or you could have talked about one, and left the other a mystery. I like the story, and I see some hitman-like stuff in it too. There were two things which I didn't really like though.

She did as she was told and returned to Landon with a stimpak which he injected into his leg. The bullet hole above his kneecap began to heal almost magically and Landon was able to stand up with the help of the mother.



I'm not sure if a stimpack would work that way, wouldn't you have to take the shell out first? You could just say the bullet was magically pushed out, but don't leave what happened to the bullet untold, if you get me.

Landon fired unstably but managed to hit the other guard once in the skull, and four times to the chest.


Now, allow me to explain to you that this seemed, a little overpowered. Maybe if you foreshadowed that Landon was good with a weapon, or something to illustrate Landon could shoot, then it wouldn't seem so, but its hard to shoot someone at all while your falling, and recoiling from your own new wound, but if he's a good shot there's no problem there. As far as headshots, regular blokes with guns can't pull that off.

Lastly, I wanted you to take more time and flesh out the emotions with the characters. Tell what the kid was feeling, so that we aren't re-imagining what you write as we read it. For example, when you first introduced Todd, I thought he was some grimey-faced chap who just approached you, and it wasn't until you said he was in tears that I had to redo the image in my head.

Hope this helps, andmy fuure ones will be better, I'm just being slightly lazy now.
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Ilona Neumann
 
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Post » Fri May 13, 2011 8:19 pm

Well I liked it, though to be honest I am a bit sceptical of a working subway. That said I am interested as to why it indeed works and about the empire thats going on in your story which is a good thing err i think heh. Thats all I can offer as I am just a reader heh mainly


I do plan on explaining how they managed to get a subway up and running again. (I mean the NCR managed to maintain a monorail system and restored the Hoover Dam to working condition again.) Thanks for the feedback!

But. This is Saint's fanfic, an awesome one at that. At first I was a little bit disappointed because the first two paragraph's weren't really enticing me and then it picked up and I was loving it. It's a really great start to a potentially epic fanfic and I'm impressed. Which I guess, isn't really saying much. The only thing is that, besides the stimpack, it really doesn't seem to have that fallout feel to it. It feels like it could be modern day America almost.Remember to write out the numbers one through ten: he was eight years old, not 8.

Be careful with word choice. I don't think "lanky" is a characteristic I would give to a spine, but that's just me. Still word weaving is everything, and since that mainly depends on your style, I'll try not to get into to it too much.

As of right now, I'm anxious for you to continue, great start Saint.

Good Luck.


Thanks for the feedback Yttrium. I'll try to make my opening paragraphs more attention grabbing in future chapters and also remember to write out numbers. Hopefully once things begin to pick up a little I will be able to make it feel more 'Fallouty'. As for the 'lanky spine' I guess I didn't really necessarily mean his spine but more his body type in general, but I'll make sure to be careful with my word choice in future updates.

It's awesome. But I didn't get the slave part.


Thanks for the compliment Your Mom = My Brother (Epic name btw.) I'll be explaining the slave situation in the next chapter.

Alrighty, sorry about my earlier spill, I do also give cont. crit. I do believe that a tad but more backstory could have been given to the "bad guy's". Like, since your in a different city with a different backdrop, you could have told us about the new New York and who is in power. Or you could have talked about one, and left the other a mystery. I like the story, and I see some hitman-like stuff in it too. There were two things which I didn't really like though.

She did as she was told and returned to Landon with a stimpak which he injected into his leg. The bullet hole above his kneecap began to heal almost magically and Landon was able to stand up with the help of the mother.



I'm not sure if a stimpack would work that way, wouldn't you have to take the shell out first? You could just say the bullet was magically pushed out, but don't leave what happened to the bullet untold, if you get me.

Landon fired unstably but managed to hit the other guard once in the skull, and four times to the chest.


Now, allow me to explain to you that this seemed, a little overpowered. Maybe if you foreshadowed that Landon was good with a weapon, or something to illustrate Landon could shoot, then it wouldn't seem so, but its hard to shoot someone at all while your falling, and recoiling from your own new wound, but if he's a good shot there's no problem there. As far as headshots, regular blokes with guns can't pull that off.

Lastly, I wanted you to take more time and flesh out the emotions with the characters. Tell what the kid was feeling, so that we aren't re-imagining what you write as we read it. For example, when you first introduced Todd, I thought he was some grimey-faced chap who just approached you, and it wasn't until you said he was in tears that I had to redo the image in my head.

Hope this helps, andmy fuure ones will be better, I'm just being slightly lazy now.


Thanks for the feedback Antliv3! About the stimpak I figured that since in the games (well atleast 3 and NV) that stimpaks could heal broken limbs, that it could most certainly heal a bullet wound. Your most likely right that the shell would probably need to be taken out and I'll remember that for future chapters. I didn't neccesarily want to introduce Landon as a 'badass' if I may, however I did want to show how poorly trained the other men were considering they had the upper hand and still lost in the gunfight. Landon does have arms training but I didn't feel it neccesary to dive into that in the first chapter.



Thanks for the constructive criticism guys I'll make sure to keep all of it in mind for future chapters. I by no means consider myself a good nor talented writer so feel free to give criticism where criticism is needed. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.
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Jonathan Montero
 
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