This is my first fanfic and I'm sure that I still have quite a way to go before I'm as good as some of the people on here so any constuctive criticism will be greatly appreciated.
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Luna felt a wave of nausea as the ship rocked from side to side. She had always had a problem with boats, something about the motions just made her feel sick. It was just her luck then that her first target would be on a ship, and not just any ship but a pirate ship. The hallway she was standing in was almost pitch black with the only light sneaking past the edges of the hatch at the other end, the crate she'd snuck aboard in sat on the floor just behind her. Cautiously she crept forward not wanting to alert anyone to her presence. Hopefully if she had timed this right the captain would be asleep and be easy pickings, if not then she would probably need to fight her way past the entire crew to escape.

The next deck was well lit and at first seemed just as deserted as the first but as she preceded through the ship it became apparent that it wasn't. As quietly as she could she pressed herself against the wall and peered round the corner, two of the crew were talking at the end of the corridor in hushed voices showing no signs of moving anytime soon.

Damn she thought just what I need. Silently she opened the door beside her and began rummaging around in the room for something to throw. In the end she decided on an ugly brown clay pot that sat on the drawers. Opening the door just enough she hurled it to the far end of the corridor smiling as it gave a nice smashing sound, goodbye crime against art.

"What was that?" Two sets of footsteps beat against the floor. Luna's heart was pounding the inside of her chest, the rhythm echoing in her ears, as the footsteps came round the corner stopping the other side of the door. Holding her breath Luna waited for what seemed like an eternity before the footsteps continued down the corridor.

Once she thought it was safe she slipped out taking note of the two men crouching over the remains of the hideous eye sore that someone had once called a pot. Swiftly she proceeded up the next ladder and was relieved to find the captain still sleeping in his bed. Drawing the small dagger she had been presented and pressing its blade against his throat she readied herself and with a trembling hand slit his throat. Shaking she left through the door at the rear of the dead captains cabin.

The frosty night air chilled her to the bone as she climbed out of the freezing waters of lake Rumare by an old worn out shack. Throwing caution to the wind ran for the place where she had hidden a change of clothes, only wanting to get out of the soaking wet armour and into something much warmer and dry. It was this mistake that cost her as she ran flat out into two guards shaking down a couple of beggars for tax money.

"Sir, we found this suspicious woman lurking around the abandoned shack what should we do with her.""
"Well, well, what do we have here? Out for a little midnight stroll are we? Or perhaps something a little more strenuous like murder!" the guard captain bellowed clamping her wrist with his armoured hand and taking her blood stained knife. "Take her to the imperial prison!""
"Yes sir" the pair of guards chorused in unison as they dragged her away.

Great and it was going so well too. Vicente will probably have my hide for this as well, that is if I managed to escape the death sentence that Adamus Phillida will likely try to put on me.

This is perfect! I just did this quest and love the touches you added - Awesome writing and storyline for your character, nice touches - I loved it!

You have a skilled style of narrative.

It would have been good to put more background into this first episode so that those of us who have not experienced the quest would know what's going on. From mALX1's comments, I am assuming this follows a quest line. Keep writing but let us clueless types like me in on where it is coming from and where it is going.

Welcome to the Fan-fic. Great to see a new writer.

On face value it is quite good, but i would spend a little more time setting up the story. We have next to no description of either the main character or the ship involved.
I have done the DB quest so it made sense to me, but dont always assume the reader understands what you understand.
The captain's cabin is quite detailed (if i can remember right) and it was a lost opportunity to not describe it, even if it was just the shadow and light playing over the items in it.
I know the main character is a female assassin, but what else? Tall, thin, fat, color, creed? Armor, facial appearance, eye color?
And what about the captain? You should describe him sleeping there. How does your character feel while looking at him?
The story has movement, it just needs to be fleshed out.

In the first paragraph you tell us that you might have to fight your way to escape. Dont't forget rule no 1 - Show, dont tell.
Spend your time building the fear and tension in the character, and thus, we (the reader) say to ourselves 'Ah, this could be nasty if they have to fight it'.
Dont tell us that, because we have nothing to build on after that.

Dragon Reaper, it is important to remember that a writer never improves unless they keep writing. And that is what i want you to do.

I look forward to reading more soon.

First, the good points.

Your IMMERSION is a B - . For a first fanfic that is actually quite a good grade! We see - quite well - through the protagonist's eyes, and we feel with her.

Others have made critiques on the very points I wished to raise, so I shall not repeat them.

Where no one has yet commented is POV change and Dialogue, which are actually interconnected.

When someone else rather than your protagonist is speaking, that's a POV change, even if only for a brief moment. Who is the other speaker? What is he feeling? What does he want to say, and is he really saying it or just hinting it?

Look at your dialogue.


"Hieronymus Lex sir, we found this suspicious woman lurking around the abandoned shack what should we do with her.""
"Well well what do we have here? Out for a little midnight stroll are we? Or perhaps something a little more strenuous like murder" the guard captain bellowed clamping her wrist with his armoured hand and taking her blood stained knife. "Take her to the imperial prison""
"Yes sir" the pair of guards chorused in unison as they dragged her away.

Groan...

First and most obvious mistake - do you really think that guards would call their captain by his full name?? Would YOU do so in real life???

You see, it's all quite obvious when it's explained. So why didn't you see it yourself? Answer: you didn't RE-READ your chapter.

Revision, revision, revision...that's the key. Yes, even I fail quite often, I know. But it HAS to be done. Otherwise you will make not subtle, but ELEMENTARY mistakes, and there is nothing so annoying as seeing one of those smack in the middle of an otherwise good story!!!

"Well well what do we have here? Out for a little midnight stroll are we? Or perhaps something a little more strenuous like murder" the guard captain bellowed clamping her wrist with his armoured hand and taking her blood stained knife. "Take her to the imperial prison""

PUNCTUATION...

"Well, Well, what do we have here?" See how much better it reads with those two little commas added?

And a suggestion. Would it not read better, and be more pschologically dramatic, to have the guard captain notice her bloodstained hand FIRST and then say

"... Or perhaps something a little more strenuous like murder"

And why not add an exclamation mark after "murder"???

And this sentence too could do with one at the end!

"Take her to the imperial prison"

Take the OP back to grammar school...


Heheh, joke.

Keep on writing!!!

The next part is finally done, stupid college work getting in the way, enjoy.
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The sunlight was just beginning to seep over the walls of the prison yard, casting an orange glow over the white stone. It had taken them two hours to get here from the palace due to constant assassination attempts on the emperors life, and while the red robed assassins were yet to succeed they were getting closer. The last three attempts had whittled there number down to three, just captain Renault, Glenroy and himself.

Baurus' eyes darted around the courtyard, his hand poised by his katana ready to draw it at a moments notice should anything threaten the emperor's life. Nothing however so much as moved as they crossed the threshold into the prison. Once inside they continued down a dimly lit, stone staircase to the dungeons below. "Wait, what's this prisoner doing here?" Renault said alarmed. They had arrived at the cell with the hidden escape tunnel only to find it locked and containing a prisoner. The prisoner was slender and stood about five foot five, her silver hair glinting slightly in the early morning light streaming from the small window in the back of the cell. Judging from her appearance she must have been in her early twenties and her bright sapphire eyes showed just as much surprise as Baurus felt.
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"Shut up Dreth!" Luna snapped. "Some people are actually trying to sleep!" She'd only been in the prison for two nights and already the only other occupant of this wing was driving her crazy; always making snide remarks and telling her she was going to die locked up, the fact that he was probably right made it all the more infuriating. His latest taunt was based solely on her being an imperial, His voice drooling with contempt as always, "Your own kinsmen think you're a piece of human trash. How sad. I bet the guards give you 'special' treatment before the end. Oh that's right. You're going to die here impe...""

Luna had had enough. In a fit of rage she leaped to her feet and snatched the clay cup off the rickety old table, throwing it as hard as she could against her cell bars. The resulting crack enough to sate her rising anger, at least until the shocked face of her 'companion' turned into a large, smug grin. Before he could come out with yet another snide comment however, the sound of the prison door opening echoed down the hall. "They're coming, for you" he cackled as he moved to the back of his cell.

Four people descended the staircase, one of them dressed in the finest and most expensive looking clothes Luna had ever seen with the other three clad in armour she had never seen before, and stopped in front of her cell. The odd thing was that they were just as surprised as she was. What else would they expect to find in a prison cell, a mountain lion on skooma? Well whatever they were expecting it certainly wasn't her.

"Back against the wall prisoner," the first escort ordered, "we won't hesitate to kill you!" Luna didn't doubt that, she was nothing to these people, so she complied albeit with as much defiance as she could muster. Once she was there the gate was opened and all four of them piled into the small cell. Now that the 'visitors' were closer she could make out the smaller details. The noble was old, wrinkles surrounded his eyes and his hair sat almost lifelessly on his head as if it knew it's owners life was about to end. Luna had only made eye contact for a few seconds but in that moment the amount of wisdom that emanated from those pale eyes was astonishing.

"You, I've seen you, you are the one from my dreams," the noble began addressing her, "then the stars were right, today is the day, gods give me strength." Luna felt a chill run down her spine as he said those words. What was this feeling of dread she felt? Was it anticipation? Fear? Either way she was finding it harder to breathe, as if she was being crushed under the pressure of the feeling, she couldn't take anymore.

"Looks like it's your lucky day prisoner." The voice of one of the escorts snapped her back to reality. A cold draught now swept through the cell and beads of sweat dotted her brow. All she could hear was the sound of her heavy breathing and some fading footsteps. Looking up she was astonished to see that what had once been a wall was now a hole leading into the depths of an underground passage. "Hey, wait," her prison mate called desperately, "take me with you" A smile spread across her face at the sound of Dreth's desperation. "Don't worry," she said mockingly, "we can meet up when you get out, have a nice little chat about the good old days, oh I forgot, your going to die in here dunmer." Still smiling she proceeded down the newly opened tunnel, ignoring the curse filled screams that followed her.

A great improvement over the first post. :foodndrink:

It is the description that lifts a story off the ground and the dialogue that helps it maintain its flight.
Keep them both heading in that direction.

Really good take on that scene in the cell. When something is that linear it takes a good imagination to make it interesting - you did!

why thank you mALX. you have a great imagination yourself and are skilled at writing to boot, but damn do you write fast.
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Water dripped slowly from the roof as Luna made her way down the tunnel, her bare feet stinging as the kicked up dirt settled into the freshly open cuts. The old boots she had passed up seemed much more appealing now that the flimsy prison sandals had given up the ghost. But then again wearing something that belonged to a corpse, urgh, the mere thought of it made her shudder. The sound of shouting up ahead cut through the silence. Drawing the katana she moved as swiftly as she could towards the sound, ignoring the painful protests of her feet, determined to find a way out.

The dead captain's katana felt unnaturally comfortable in her hand; in fact it was so comfortable that it was almost frightening. Not once in her seven years of training had it ever occurred to her to use such a weapon, especially one that was considered too long by most assassins' standards. Initially she had borrowed it out of necessity but now that the elegant blade had gained her affection she was determined to get one of her own. Of course Vicente wouldn't be impressed; he'd forbidden her from using anything longer than a short sword due to stealth problems. Bloody hypocritical vampire, he himself always had a claymore strapped to his back whenever she saw him.

It wasn't long before she reached another hole in the wall and slipping through it, found herself in a room not unlike the one that the passage out of her cell had led to. The commotion was coming from the two remaining blades as they fought valiantly to defend the emperor from another wave of assassins. Watching silently from her raised position, she found herself mesmerised by the graceful motions of the katana. The skill with which the blades handled their weapons was amazing. Not a single movement was wasted as they kept four attackers away from their charge.

Luna snapped out of her trance as a small stone skidded across the floor. Peaking over the edge she noticed that a fifth assassin had held back from the fighting and had managed to edge round the battle without attracting the attention of the blades. The only reason she'd even caught onto him had been the stone he had knocked with his foot, so there was absolutely no way the emperor or his blades were even aware of his presence. As the assassin closed in on the emperor from behind she began trembling. What can I do? She asked herself I can't let him die, not now. Unable to look she closed her eyes. Images flashed through her mind; the lifeless body of the blades captain, the grim look in the emperors' eyes, the blood of the pirate on her hands, her last training session with Teinaava.

"That's good Luna, but you'll need to aim just a little higher if you're planning on killing someone." Teinaava said commenting on her latest attempt at assassinating the stuffed doll. The doll was designed so that, when one of many targets which represented a persons vital spots was pierced, wolfs blood would spurt out indicating a successful kill. This time however she'd been off by a matter of millimetres.
"I am trying," she moaned in response, "but this dagger feels all wrong.""
"Don't start that again, it is a vital tool that you must learn to wield if you want to make it as a member of this family. Now try again.""
"But Gogron doesn't use one""
"That's enough Luna!" Teinaava hardly ever raised his voice to her but when he did, it was because he was getting impatient. "You don't have the strength to go charging in blindly. Unlike Gogron we must think things through, utilising stealth and agility to achieve our goals. Now try again.""

Reluctantly she complied, slowing her breathing and taking up her stance once again. With one swift motion the blade arced through the air straight for the target, but at the last second she adjusted the angle slightly causing it to miss the target once again. "You have the skill Luna but you lack something more important," Teinaava sighed, "killer instinct, without the resolve to kill you will never become an assassin. You have a kind heart Luna, I can see it in your eyes, but it will not serve you here. With any luck you will find your resolve in time, however till that day I can teach you nothing more."

Her eyes snapped open. She knew what she had to do.

No one noticed as she dropped off the ledge, landing with a soft pat behind the offending assassin. Whipping out her own dagger using her free hand, she rose up from her crouching position like a wraith rising from its tomb. "You know," she whispered in the assassin's ear as her blade sliced open his throat, "you should have paid more attention to your surroundings." Her hand was firm and unwavering, she had found her resolve.

Woo Hoo! This was great!

With the loss of Captain Renault things had only gotten worse. They had been caught up in an endless cycle; first the assassins would attack, then Glenroy and himself would fight back and defend the emperor, after some effort they would succeed in killing the assassins, then they would continue on to the next room only for the cycle to begin all over again. Each time the cycle repeated it took longer to fend off the assassins as they grew more and more fatigued, eventually they would be incapable of defending the emperor and if that happened all was lost.

Sweat rolled down Baurus' nose as they made their way into another room, katana at the ready in case of attack. Predictably a party of five assassins jumped down from some raised platforms just as they passed the first pillar. One died instantly as they found themselves impaled by Glenroy's blade, but the other four had been more prepared and had summoned their armour sooner. "Baurus, you take the left," Glenroy ordered," I'll take the right."

Stepping up to the left Baurus faced down two of the remaining four. Taking advantage of his longer blade he kept them at bay, swinging his sword as they came within striking distance, biding his time for one of them to make a fatal mistake. It came sooner than he'd expected, one of them had lunged at him recklessly. Sidestepping out of the way of the blade he plunged his katana into the assassin's side as they stumbled past. The other one was dispatched soon after with a deep gash in his neck.

The sound of a something slumping to the floor caused Baurus to whirl around, fearing the worst. The prisoner from before was standing with a bloodied dagger in one hand and Captain Renault's katana in the other. An assassin lay at her feet, dead. There had been six of them not five the realization hit him hard, they had failed the emperor. Gripping his katana tighter he took a step towards her, this criminal whoever she was may have saved the emperor but she had also desecrated the weapon of a fallen blade and for that he would make her pay. "Wait," the emperor ordered, "she can help us, no, she must help us."
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The summoned armour fizzled out of existence with a magical hum as its conjurer drew his last, ragged breath. As the dead body fell to the floor Luna shifted her gaze towards the centre of the room and the blades. Their breathing came in short rasps as if they had just run a marathon and they didn't seem pleased to see her. One of them even looked ready to attack.

"Wait," the emperor ordered, "she can help us, no, she must help us." The emperor's voice took on a softer tone as he addressed her. "They can't understand why I trust you. How can I explain? You know the nine?" Luna shifted uncomfortably, breaking the emperor's gaze, at the mention of the nine. Of course she knew. Who in Tamriel didn't? But she doubted they'd think well of her, she was nothing but a murderer.
"I've served the Nine all my days, and I chart my course by the cycles of the heavens. The skies are marked with numberless sparks, each a fire, and every one a sign. My death, a necessary end, will come when it comes but today the thief shall guide your steps on the path of destiny." The same chill from before ran down her spine. There was something he wasn't telling her, something important, and just how had he known her birthsign anyway?

***

They were attacked several times as they made their way through the tunnels. Each time Luna remained with the emperor while Baurus and Glenroy dealt with the assassins. At first they didn't move too far away and kept a watchful eye on her, but after a few of the assassins had gotten past them only to fall to Renault's blade they slowly began to trust her and even struck up a few conversations in the quieter moments. It was during one of these moments that Glenroy brought up assassins. "I can't stand people who kill the innocent for profit." He almost shouted. "How can they sleep at night?" That was a good question. Since murdering the pirate captain she hadn't slept well at all, of course it didn't help to have Dreth as a prison mate, both nights she had awoken from a nightmare in a cold sweat. "They're nothing but animals and should be slaughtered like them!" Glenroy finished.

Fear shot through her like a bolt of lightning. If they found out what she was, she didn't want to think of it. She wasn't proud of what she had done. She'd done what she had out of necessity, the harsh winters of Bruma would have killed her swiftly without a place to stay. Nobody wanted her after her parents' accident, she was forced to live on the street and steal to survive. Teinaava had saved her from that, given her a new life and a purpose.
"Hey Glenroy, you might want to lay off a little. Your upsetting her," Baurus interrupted mid rant, "I'm sorry he gets like this sometimes." They continued on in silence after that but the guilt was beginning to eat away at her. She felt as if she was betraying the emperor's trust, as if her very existence was an affront to everything he stood for. Maybe Dreth had been right, she was nothing but scum.

It wasn't until they had almost reached the sewers that the real trap had been sprung. The gate to the sewers had been barred from the other side and another had been enchanted to lock behind them. They were trapped like rats. Their only option was to hole up and wait till backup arrived. Luna stayed with the Emperor in a side room while the two blades fought the onslaught of red that was the assassins' true strength.

"I can go no further," the emperor stated suddenly, "Take the amulet of kings"
"But, I, I can't" she said looking shamefully at her feet "I'm not who you think I am."
"Alessia Marius, I know exactly who you are." She was speechless. How could he possibly know that name?
"H, how did you?.."
"It is not important. You must take the amulet to Jauffre, he will know where the last of my sons is. Find him and close shut the Jaws of oblivion." He had known all along, since the first time he had laid eyes on her, he had known who and what she was yet had still entrusted her with his life. "I won't let you down." She said taking the amulet with renewed faith.
"I know you won't child."

A soft click came from the wall to her right as a section slid away and an assassin leaped out. She didn't think, only reacted. Shoving the emperor out of harms way, she took the blade meant for him to her left shoulder. She cried out in pain and shock as the blade bit into her.
"You're in the wrong place at the wrong time girl." snarled the attacker.
"Go rot in oblivion." Luna retorted through gritted teeth as she brought the katana up, plunging it into her attacker. She slid down the wall grasping her shoulder; hopefully the emperor would forgive her. Glancing over to where he still laid it took a few moments for her to realize, the emperor was dead. Maybe it was the shock brought on by blood loss but she couldn't help laughing despite the gravity of the situation; out of all the assassins that had had been sent to kill him, it had been the one trying to save his life that had finally done him in. Oh the irony.

I have played this beginning 18 times on the 360 and twice on the PC, and still you had me riveted right till the end. Awesome writing and character development!

Where have you gone Dragon Reaper? Your writing is way too good to stop!

Yes, where have you gone?

The technical aspects of your writing (grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc) are a little flawed, but the meat (character development, setting, dialogue) is delicious! The technical stuff are easily fixed with practice, practice, practice (and listening to well-intended criticism), but the flavor is most definitely there.

I'd like to see more.

I got kinda stuck with this bit which is why it took so long but here it is
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The market district was completely silent as Crassius made his final patrol of the night and so far it had been quite peaceful; he'd only come across one drunkard and that surprised him. Usually the district took on a completely different persona once the sun went down, brothels would open, bars would fill and shady characters would gather in the back alleys but now the only sound that broke the silence was the rhythmic beat of his boots on the ground.

If it had been this calm a week ago he would have been glad of the peace but now despite the calm he was on edge. The dragonfires had been extinguished and the watch had been put on high alert after the blades incompetence had allowed the emperor to be murdered and the amulet of kings stolen. The two survivors had been severely reprimanded by the chancellor but other than that had gotten off without a punishment due to the blades being 'independent' of the council and that really got him steaming. How could someone escape the consequences of such actions? Well they'd get there comeuppance in the end, a courier had already been dispatched to alert their grandmaster of the events.

A scream pierced the night air, as Crassius stepped out onto the main thoroughfare, breaking his chain of thought. That scream had come from the alley behind him, but it had been clear when he walked down it just seconds ago. Turning round he proceeded cautiously down the dark alley, sword at the ready in case of trouble. It was just as deserted as before with the sign for Rane's antiques the only form of movement. "Well I better be thorough." "Open up, It's the watch!" He yelled hitting his armoured fist against the door. It wasn't long before the door opened and light spilled out into the dark alley. Crassius had heard many rumours about the stores owner, Leon Rane, from his fellow guardsmen and nearly all of them had just been proven true. The man standing before him was a complete mess; his clothes hung loosely off his body and looked as if they hadn't been washed in weeks. Not to mention his shaggy brown hair that stuck up all over the place. "So to what do I owe the pleasure?" He said warmly adjusting his grip on his cane. Crassius felt a wave of euphoria sweep over him, he liked this man.
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Luna awoke with a scream, a cold sweat plastered her brow and her throat was raw. Every time she closed her eyes the gruesome images of her nightmare crept into view and made her pull the covers tighter. "Here, drink this." Leon said softly.
"Thanks" she murmured, taking the cup. The water soothed her throat as she gulped it down. "How long was I?"
"Screaming? Just long enough to attract a guard." Her heart almost missed a beat at that. "Don't worry," he added, "I sent him away." For the last two nights she had suffered from terrifying nightmares. Plagued with images of demonic hordes and even her own execution. What scared her most though were not the images themselves but how real they seemed.

The next couple of hours were spent clutching the amulet for comfort as it pulsed softly against her skin. What if she failed him? What if she made another mistake? One that would completely destroy Tamriel. Maybe she could persuade Baurus to deliver the amulet instead. A soft Laughter that seemed to be coming from everywhere filled the room. "Look at you, cowering there like a child. And you call yourself an assassin" it taunted
"Who's there?"
"You're pathetic, nothing but a failure. What would your family say if they saw you now?" The voice continued ignoring her question.
"I...I don't?"
"The emperor was wrong you are weak and he was a foolish old man entrusting you with this task."
"The emperor was not foolish!" Luna snapped jumping to her feet. This thing was really starting to get under her skin.
"Really? Prove it because all I see is a frightened little pup that's lost its fangs." Anger crashed through her like a torrent of searing hot magma. She was angry with the voice, angry that it was right and furious at herself for being such an idiot. She had fallen apart because of a mistake -granted it was a pretty big mistake- and allowed the guilt to consume her. Well no more; she would deliver the amulet, find the heir and she'd do it right now.

Within an hour she was ready to leave. What little supplies she could gather were stowed in a small pack and the amulet of kings was concealed in the lining of the faded blue dress that Leon had given her. Taking one last look at the place that had been her sanctuary for the past week she placed a letter on the side and turned to leave. "So that's how it is hmm." Luna froze as she heard Leon step out of the shadows. "I know you're an assassin but leaving without so much as a goodbye, now that's cold."
Damn he must have ears like a bat to have heard me. "I should kill you right now." She said the threat ringing hollow in her ears.
"Then why don't you?" His voice remained even and his face betrayed no hint of emotion.
"I owe you my life so I cannot in good conscience end yours."
"Now that is a surprise an assassin with a conscience." He smirked
"Are you mocking me?" she snarled letting her anger get the best of her.
"Not at all. Just expressing my shock." He certainly didn't look shocked but then even after a week she still couldn't figure him out.
"Just make sure Baurus gets what I left him." She snapped
"I will on the condition that you do something for me." A glint appeared in his brown eyes as he stated his terms.
"Fine. What do you want me to do?"
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Leon watched as the door shut behind her. "I don't know what you said to her but you certainly got her all fired up about something" he said to a seemingly empty room before flipping a trapdoor open with his cane and desending into the darkness.

Oh, you have got to .... you can't leave it hanging there!!! ARGH!!! Awesome storyline !!! I will have to spam your thread till I find out who is under the trap door!!!