Tethesis : The Elder Scrolls Series Discussion

» Fri May 13, 2011 6:42 pm

apologies in advance for the bad writing in general, it is just a quick overview of the tutorial section, i wrote it as i was playing the game so it will need refining, and ill edit the post with the updated version soon.

Beggining:

Tethesis woke up in a cold, damp cell, the small area that had replaced his home. His home however had been a cell in Skingrad, but the point stays the same, born to a noble family, and framed for a murder he didn't commit, all he wanted was to get back into the world to seek revenge. After a few moments he noticed a voice, another prisoner was talking to him. Talking would be a light way of putting it, the prisoner was abusing him, Tethesis swore to himself that he would eventually return and kill this wretch.

The sound of footsteps drew nearer, Tethesis moved over to the front of his cell, ignoring the abuse from the idiotic dunmer he peeked around the corner to see a group of armed men, leading the?. Emperor? The armed men walked up to his cell and ordered him to the back of the room. Tethesis slowly walked backwards into the corner, shocked by what he was seeing. The Emperor and his guards marched into the room.

The Emperor looked at Tethesis with a face filled with shock and recognition, he began to babble about his forthcoming death and of the future, Tethesis came to the conclusion that the emperor was actually a nutcase. He decided to play along in the hope that this encounter could lead to his freedom.

Tethesis followed the Emperors men down into the tunnels, a vast complex escape route for the direst circumstances. After walking for less than a minute, the group were ambushed by some robed men, who subsequently killed one of the guards. Picking up a shortsword from the fallen warrior, Tethesis assaulted the next robed assassin and made short work of him.

After the ambush the Emperor continued on, but the guards refused to let Tethesis continue the travel. Infuriated, Tethesis kicked the wall relatively hard, and to his shock, part of it collapsed, he made a mental note to keep hold of the shoes he was wearing. Before he could react, two large rats jumped through the new gap in the wall and attacked him; two quick swings from the shortsword finished the rats quickly.

He moved into the underground tunnels and explored the room he was in, he found a key on the corpse of a goblin as well as a skeleton with a small set of leather armour, putting the armour on, he hoped to himself that whatever had killed the goblin and skeleton has long since departed.

Tethesis continues through the tunnels, encountering not only more rats and goblins but even a zombie, when he reached the end of the tunnels he sat down and examined the selection of items he had gathered; rusted iron armour, some rough leather armour, a variety of daggers, swords, maces and axes, as well as a goblin staff.

Upon entering the next room he realised he was in the same section of tunnels that he had been in before, and listening quietly he could hear the voices of the guards. Crawling over to the edge of the platform he was on, he witnessed another ambush, although the skilled guards quickly killed the assassins. Tethesis jumped down.

The guards would have killed Tethesis if not for the Emperors intervention, believing him to be an assassin himself. The Emperor quickly asked Tethesis his star sign, which in no way helped Tethesis image of the Emperor's sanity.
The entrance to the next room was blocked, the guards decided on taking a different route in the hope of avoiding more assassins. Upon hearing the approach of more robed characters, the guards left Tethesis with the Emperor while they went to stall or stop the threat. More of the Emperors babble made Tethesis want to kill him himself, luckily an assassin burst through a hidden doorway and did it for him. Upon the remaining guards return, Tethesis explained what little of the Emperors babble he understood, and stowed the amulet of kings, the Emperors fancy little necklace in his pocket.

The last guard, Baurus, told Tethesis to go and search out Jauffre, and to escape through the sewers. Tethesis laughed at the prospect of helping these idiots as he ran through the sewers and out into the open day.

» Fri May 13, 2011 3:00 pm

apologies in advance for the bad writing in general, it is just a quick overview of the tutorial section, i wrote it as i was playing the game so it will need refining, and ill edit the post with the updated version soon.

This kind of over-modest beginnings will not get people to read your text, let alone critique it. Just thought you should know.

» Fri May 13, 2011 3:11 pm

I think I'll try something new and annotate your story. I'll still have the general topics you need to work on, but this way you'll see all the examples right above my criticism.

apologies in advance for the bad writing in general, it is just a quick overview of the tutorial section, i wrote it as i was playing the game so it will need refining, and ill edit the post with the updated version soon.

First off, you should maintain good grammar even in your forward. I didn't do this when I first started as well, and looking back it feels like a different person wrote that. Secondly, never apologize for being a novice writer. We all started out bad, there's not a published writer out there that won't tell you the same thing. I hate to sound corny, but look forwards, towards the positive, and keep practicing and keep improving. One day you'll look back and see how far you've come, and it will feel good

Also, I am not a fan of writing the main quest, if for no other reason than that it has been done to death. If you decide to switch stories anytime soon I advise making an original plot and the like, it's enfinitely more entertaining to both the writer and the reader.

Beggining:

Tethesis woke up in a cold, damp cell, the small area that had replaced his home. His home however had been a cell in Skingrad, but the point stays the same, born to a noble family, and framed for a murder he didn't commit, all he wanted was to get back into the world to seek revenge. After a few moments he noticed a voice, another prisoner was talking to him. Talking would be a light way of putting it, the prisoner was abusing him, Tethesis swore to himself that he would eventually return and kill this wretch.

Alright, let's get started: The first paragraph is arguably the most important in your entire story. It hooks the reader, it decides whether they want to read more or not. If you start out strong you'll set a good tone for your entire story, but if you start out rambling and infodumping you'll only lower your chances of getting readers. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the truth of the matter.

Waking up to start your story has been done even more than the main quest. It is beyond cliche; readers are surprised when you don't do it. It's not necessarily a bad way to start a story, it's just not as interesting as the alternatives. Now, I don't mean start with a fight scene, fights are only as good as the buildup and characterization. Start with something interesting, something to hook the reader. There are hundreds of excellent starts out there, just pick up your favorite novel and see how that author did it. Some start with a general narration, other describe the character or scene. It's all a matter of style, but it is very important.

Another important thing to consider in the first paragraph, and perhaps throughout the whole story, is deciding how much you need to tell people. If you tell them too much it becomes infodumping, a boring list of character background and information that isn't enthralling no matter how creative it is. And something as telling as this is not only detrimental to your hook, it brings your entire story down a notch. Don't get discouraged though, it is a simple mistake, and everyone makes it the first time out. Now, before I take up too much more space I'll move on to your second paragraph.

The sound of footsteps drew nearer, Tethesis moved over to the front of his cell, ignoring the abuse from the idiotic dunmer he peeked around the corner to see a group of armed men, leading the?. Emperor? The armed men walked up to his cell and ordered him to the back of the room. Tethesis slowly walked backwards into the corner, shocked by what he was seeing. The Emperor and his guards marched into the room.

Okay, this is a perfect chance to talk about "show, don't tell". It's one of the main rules of descriptive writing, and it's something everyone has to learn to be succesful. The premise of it is that you want to paint a picture with your words, not just summarize the scene for us. You say this is an overview, when the introduction is the most important part of your paper. If this isn't descriptive and showing, nothing else will be.

Now, something like this, "Tethesis slowly walked backwards into the corner, shocked by what he was seeing" is telling. You tell us he is shocked, but we really can't see it. The objective of describing a scene or characters is to make the reader see an image of it in their head. Yes we know he is shocked, but we can't see it. We don't even know what he looks like; whether he is a Dunmer or an Imperial, black hair or blonde hair. We can't visualize someone that we have no description for. That said, you don't want to infodump all that description, you can't just hand it out all at once in the beginning of the paper. You have to show it to us, gradually; my prefferred method is to use action to show things, "His long dark hair blew in the wind; her deep eyes sparkled with wonder; his pale skin stood out painfully in the dark street."

Showing is best used to describe things or events. Here, I'll give you an example from my own story, which I believe to employ showing fairly well:

"The lanterns that lined the street cast long, flickering shadows, lighting the way towards the city like a beacon for weary travelers, trudging along the road with heavy packs and sleepy eyes. A curious field mouse, awoken by the sound of hoof beats, poked its soft pink nose from its den under the ground, staring up at the two giants above it. The closer of the two looked down, his face masked by shadows of the lamplight, noticing the mouse from horseback with a tired interest. The small creature, frightened by the large figure, scurried quickly back into its den, losing sight of the night sky for its earthly home."

Now, do you see what I'm doing? I'm trying to paint a picture of the scene with my words. I don't just say "The street leading to the Imperial city was dark in the night time, and two travellers walked towards it. I described the flickering lanterns, the shadowed travellers, and did most of it using the point of view of a field mouse. Now, it makes much more sense in context, because when you read the story you know who these travellers are, but even alone it proves the advantages of showing over telling. This was also the second paragraph in my introduction, in which I described the scene before transitioning to the characters, using the mouse as a segway from narration to point of view.

The Emperor looked at Tethesis with a face filled with shock and recognition, he began to babble about his forthcoming death and of the future, Tethesis came to the conclusion that the emperor was actually a nutcase. He decided to play along in the hope that this encounter could lead to his freedom.

Ah, you assume we know already what the Emperor says. This is also one of the number one errors with people writing the main quest, they don't include necessary information. In an original story, what you should strive to write, readers don't even know where the characters are. You need to put us there, with descriptions, dialogue, and reactions. We need not only to see the scene, but to hear it, taste it, touch it. It's your duty, it's your ultimate goal as a writer to make us feel the action like we were your character. You should make me Tethesis, in mind, body, and soul.

Tethesis followed the Emperors men down into the tunnels, a vast complex escape route for the direst circumstances. After walking for less than a minute, the group were ambushed by some robed men, who subsequently killed one of the guards. Picking up a shortsword from the fallen warrior, Tethesis assaulted the next robed assassin and made short work of him.

Alright, another axiom of good writing: characterization. In order for us to better be your protagonist, we need to know a little about his personality. We need to know how he reacts, how he talks, what his fears and goals are. And all of this must be done gradually, with no infodumping. We need to get inside his head, and we need to connect with him. If we can't feel for him, if we don't care about him, then why should we care if he dies or is hurt? Suspense, creating exciting scenes, is all for naught if we don't care what happens. If this character remains an obscure figure, someone we know only by name, then there is no way people will become interested.

Once again, I don't intend to sound mean or hurtful, this is simply one of the truths of writing. I sincerely hope you can handle criticism well, not for my sake, but for your own. If you can't take the opinions of more experienced writers for what they are, sincere criticism to help you improve, you'll never learn from your mistakes. Even more than anything you write, this is the ultimate downfall of most writers. They become concieted, prideful, and they can't stand being proven wrong. However, I know you would never do that, because you are a serious, passionate writer. Right

After the ambush the Emperor continued on, but the guards refused to let Tethesis continue the travel. Infuriated, Tethesis kicked the wall relatively hard, and to his shock, part of it collapsed, he made a mental note to keep hold of the shoes he was wearing. Before he could react, two large rats jumped through the new gap in the wall and attacked him; two quick swings from the shortsword finished the rats quickly.

Woah, that's all we get of the ambush scene? Characterization starts with being there with the character, and if you don't even describe the fight scenes or dialogue how can we ever do that? More than anything you need to consider the "show, don't tell" rule, because it will seriously help you improve your writing. We need to know everything that happens to him, it can't read like a story told to us. It needs to be a story including us.

He moved into the underground tunnels and explored the room he was in, he found a key on the corpse of a goblin as well as a skeleton with a small set of leather armour, putting the armour on, he hoped to himself that whatever had killed the goblin and skeleton has long since departed.

Tethesis continues through the tunnels, encountering not only more rats and goblins but even a zombie, when he reached the end of the tunnels he sat down and examined the selection of items he had gathered; rusted iron armour, some rough leather armour, a variety of daggers, swords, maces and axes, as well as a goblin staff.

Upon entering the next room he realised he was in the same section of tunnels that he had been in before, and listening quietly he could hear the voices of the guards. Crawling over to the edge of the platform he was on, he witnessed another ambush, although the skilled guards quickly killed the assassins. Tethesis jumped down.

The guards would have killed Tethesis if not for the Emperors intervention, believing him to be an assassin himself. The Emperor quickly asked Tethesis his star sign, which in no way helped Tethesis image of the Emperor's sanity.
The entrance to the next room was blocked, the guards decided on taking a different route in the hope of avoiding more assassins. Upon hearing the approach of more robed characters, the guards left Tethesis with the Emperor while they went to stall or stop the threat. More of the Emperors babble made Tethesis want to kill him himself, luckily an assassin burst through a hidden doorway and did it for him. Upon the remaining guards return, Tethesis explained what little of the Emperors babble he understood, and stowed the amulet of kings, the Emperors fancy little necklace in his pocket.

The last guard, Baurus, told Tethesis to go and search out Jauffre, and to escape through the sewers. Tethesis laughed at the prospect of helping these idiots as he ran through the sewers and out into the open day.

Alright, I have absolutely run out of time, but I hope my advice and annotation has been of some help. I may sound harsh, but I truly want you to get better. If I didn't, why would I take time out of my day to read and offer advice

Always, always, always thank you for writing, and please keep up the good work :goodjob: Practice makes perfect, and reading everything you can gives you perspective

» Fri May 13, 2011 6:12 am

I think I'll try something new and annotate your story. I'll still have the general topics you need to work on, but this way you'll see all the examples right above my criticism.

Alright, I have absolutely run out of time, but I hope my advice and annotation has been of some help. I may sound harsh, but I truly want you to get better. If I didn't, why would I take time out of my day to read and offer advice

Always, always, always thank you for writing, and please keep up the good work :goodjob: Practice makes perfect, and reading everything you can gives you perspective

thanks

ive never actually written this kind of thing before, or even been interested in it, ill have a look through the thing and make improvements