Brilliant so far. And I'm going to see if I can beat Ytt to saying that you need to space your sentences out a bit more, instead of just a wall of text.
Also, don't worry about being accepted by the community. They are much nicer here than other places I've been to.

That's a much better review then I expected then again I did kinda go from Gears of War to the Fallout fourms.

Well its derived from a game that you can watch and get a better idea of human anatomy than can be taught in high school. You're going to get some pissed off people there.

Kyle leather armor was soaked in armor

Oh you have no idea. I had to deal with so much hate. They.. have so much anger pent up and I did something stupid and got so much hate.

Oh how did you like the ending?

Welcome Undead!

So I've been checking couple topics, seeing what I've missed, and then this pops up and I nearly fall off my chair as this huge text pops out at me....After the initial adjusting, it's fine, makes easier to read too (a find it a bit harder actually), but it's just weird to have the text so big compared to everything else. It's your writing style though, do what you want.

What I would do,

1.) Space out the paragraphs.

Sounds silly perhaps, but it's much easier to read when something is spaced out.

2.) Work on your grammar in general. Normally I try not to make such a big deal of things like this, but you have a lot of error in this department and it makes for a choppy story that is kinda of hard to read. You need: proper spelling, know how to use commas, write out numbers one through ten, three dots an ellipses, fix fragment and run on sentences, etc.

3.) Try not to start off a story with a physical description and a quick back story, it makes for a boring intro, and you want to catch the reader with the first three lines. Physical properties are subject to whim, they change as time goes on. Example: Sure you may have long hair and a fair complexion, a house fire tomorrow and now you have three degree burn all over your body and no hair. In as little as an hour, so physical description is the least important of all. The back story might actually work, but with it's broken grammar, hard to tell. It just needs a little editing.

4.) Diction. Basically your use of words. For example:


No matter how I look at this I just....Can't. Grasp. What you where trying to say.

Avoid confusing issues like that. More importantly,

SHOW don't TELL, telling is just stating things in a kinda of journalistic way and is rather bland in a story. Showing is describing things to the reader so they can get an imagine in their head of what is transpiring.

"I know," he said with sadness in his eyes. <--- TELL

There was no description, the writer just told us their was sadness in his eyes, rather straightforward.

"I know," he said, his eyes moistened with tears and they began to slowly leak out of the corners. <---SHOW

Same example but with more description so the reader gets an image in their head.

Well, I've said my piece, not all of it, but I don't want to do too much.

This story does have potential though, don't think it doesn't, and I'm honestly left wondering where your going with this....Which is good. I like to wonder. I, at the very least, would like to see the next entry, so my soul can be put to rest. Does Kyle live? Is Jane left on her own? I need to know!

Regardless, good luck.

Edit: GALEN YOU MOTHER [censored]...Haha. You got me man. :biggrin:
I made some changes.

Kyle walked back to his shack in the middle of hot,barren wasteland hoping to see his wife Jane. His beautiful wife Jane,They had been married two years. After being married they went to New Vegas and despite all odds against them they won big. But both of them wanted a farm. So they brought some equipment from a bunch of traders and began work on there farm. Near the New Vegas Clinic they were never in need of medical supplies they were good friends with doctors there. Kyle was a farmer and a very good shot. Jane was above all things the hardest worker you could found in the Mojave Wasteland. Jane had a natural talent for shooting knowing how to handle her father's cowboy repeater.

Kyle was pistol person using his scoped 9mm pistol to take out weak enemies at medium range. Kyle face was scarred from the Farm work, Kyle had brown hair and green eyes. Kyle haircut was short and wrapped in a bandana. Jade had black long hair with brown eyes. Jade was 21 years old. Kyle was 23 years old and living a good life beside the occasional Fiend attack his farm operated perfectly. Kyle had returned from NCR Sharecropper getting his share of plants since he could on herd animals. Kyle heard something off in the distance. Luckily Kyle had his wife's Cowboy repeater. Jane had made him take it with him. He left his pistol with her hoping nothing would happen. Kyle turned to his left and looked far and saw a Fiend raiding heading towards his farm. Kyle took off spiriting.

Kyle was about home, the Fiend raiding party was nearly there. Kyle ran into his door and saw Jane cooking in a dirty dress. Kyle leather armor was soaked in sweat.
Kyle said in pants

"Jane.. Get ready.. Fiend.. attack... hide.. in basemant," Jane replied fast.

"Ok I'll head down to the basemant!"

Jane began running to the basemant with the pistol in its hostler on her waist. Kyle started putting stuff against the door with a very fast pace. Kyle picked up his Kitchen table and flipped it with massive amounts of power. Kyle used a window to fire from. Kyle had binoculars sitting on his counter in his kitchen. Kyle looked though his binoculars and saw 5 Fiends heading towards his farm. Unlike the usual 2. Kyle began firing though the window and nailed one Fiend in the head. The Fiends helmet rolled away from the pool of blood left by the clean shot though the head. The Fiends began firing back at the house and belted the house with bullets. Kyle shot twice more and hit a Fiend in the leg and the Fiend tripped and held his shin where he had been shot. Kyle Leather armor took a bullet from a hunting rifle.

Kyle winced in pain. The three Fiends began hitting the front door and Kyle ran to another window with a view of the front door. Kyle fired a bullet giving away his position and nail a Fiend in the hand. Her head exploded in on impact. When the Fiends fired back Kyle left shoulder was shot. Kyle cried out in pain and dropped the gun. Kyle picked back up the gun with one hand. The Fiends broke though the door and Kyle fired a bullet at a Fiend. It hit her in the chest and went though the right briast killing her. The last Fiend shout kyle in the leg and Kyle dropped to the floor. Kyle did the only thing he could do... He pulled his last grenade from his waist and said "See you in h*ll mother******."

I edited this story quite a bit I think I did do great with editing it. Did I do good with this story? I'ma just gonna ask should I do a RP or not?

I think this would be much better as a fic than an RP.

No..No I what to do a RP should I?

Well if you want to make an RP you should think of a story for it, post it asking who will join, and if theres enough interest, post an OOC and an IC.

"Slams face on desk three times" No I'm in one should I do that one?

This was just a short by the way. Reread the bottom.

I don't know anything about that one, and I'm too tired to read it right now.

In my sig Vault 66 we need you click it. Please we need more people also sould I draw on my friends face or play Fallout NV?

"Slams face on desk three times" No I'm in one should I do that one?

This was just a short by the way. Reread the bottom.

Ahahahaha....I nearly spit my coffee out reading your post! Does your face hurt?

I like the story, it's rough around the edges, but it has a good plot line. There are several places that I believe different adjectives or phrases would greatly embellish the story... it would give your story a meatier feel.

Also, the line-by-line stats about the main characters currently read like you are filling out a police report on them…Female, Caucasian, 26, blonde hair, 5'3", etc. How about...................

"Kyle and Jane were young, both in their early twenties, but mentally years beyond their physical ages. He was ruggedly handsome, fit, and muscular. She was of natural beauty, with flowing raven hair and smiling eyes of grey.

Kyle preferred his pistol. Jane's weapon of choice...her father's cowboy repeater, so deadly accurate; she could kill with just one shot. Both were more than capable of surviving and making a living the postwar lifestyle."



All in all, I think you should continue, I know you said it was a short but you might want to continue building on this story, it is quite interesting. Best of Luck!