"Your money or your life!" The Khajiit snarled with one hand on her steel mace. It was well worn, making it obvious that it was no bluff.

Days ago, Wrothken would have simply walked by, hoping the bandit would end it quickly. Today, however, was the day for action. It was time to reclaim his dignity, dammit; and it started now.

"Why don't you take that mace and shove it up your ass?"

The Khajiit growled. "You know what? I'll just take both!" She swung the mace at him. Instantly, Wrothken knew what he would take from her when he was finished.

He dodged her blow and punched her in the face. She reeled back, grabbing her nose with her free hand. Her eyes were on fire and Wrothken knew he had to be quick. She roared, swinging the mace as hard as she could, barely missing his shoulder. Wrothken noticed her overstep, and he grabbed her weilding arm with one hand, pulling her in, and he thrusted his knee hard into her stomach. As she cried out, Wrothken was able to wrench the mace from her hand. In one quick move, he slammed it against her temple. She moaned in pain, clutching the side of her head.

"Jekosiit!" She hissed. Quickly, she ran from him.

Wrothken's heart thudded as he watched her take off, blood leaving a dotting trail behind. He didn't know if she had accomplices, so he hurried away.

As he walked, he looked south to Valenwood. He briefly considered heading in that direction to start his new life, but then he remembered all Kirsty had told him. The government was in ruin. They were distrustful of other races, so the Nord would be unwelcome and likely alone in the society. Oh, and she said something about them not eating meat. That indeed was a dealbreaker. Shaking his head, he continued on the Gold Road.

With a sigh, he realized that he didn't think about the lonliness factor when he allowed Kirsty to talk him into his journey. He was by nature a very chatty person, once he got over his shyness. He looked back, barely able to see the faint outline of Caslte Kvatch. He wanted desperately to go back and convince Kirsty to go with him, but he couldn't. For one, the afternoon was slowly giving away to evening and she hated travelling by night. The other thing was that she would never leave her bakery; not after all the blood, sweat, and tears she poured into it. Kvatch would burn, and she would remain, rebuilding with her own tiny hands if she had to. Trying to accept his isolation, he turned to his own mind for conversation.

He looked around as he crossed Skingrad. "I wonder what it would be like here in Wine County..." He envisioned himself in a house with cultured friends over, sampling the latest Surilie Brothers concoction with fine cheeses and he couldn't help but laugh. That was no place for him. He was more the type to drink Nordic whiskey in a loud tavern. "Too bad I can't go back to Bruma quite yet." The very thought sickened him.

Soon he saw a woman standing in the middle of the road. She was a Dunmer, wearing only simple clothing. When he got closer, he noticed dirt stains on her knees and leaves in her hair. He smiled. "Afternoon," he said, longing for a decent conversation.

"A perfect tomato... one taste, and it is gone forever. And then... a lifetime of searching for the next one," she said sadly. "Undena Orethi. I am a pilgrim in search of the perfect tomato. It is my grail, and I shall follow it all my life."

Wrothken didn't know what to say. He wanted someone to talk to, but really? Tomatoes? He gave her a nod and continued on his way.

As the path took a sharp curve, a thought came into his mind suddenly. Kirsty was right! I haven't thought about Awour all day! Then he stopped. "Dammit!" He shouted, stomping his foot. Those thoughts were always counter productive as his mind became flooded with memories of the Altmer. Anytime he closed his eyes, he swore he could feel her golden, hip length hair, shades lighter than his own, on his cheeks. He could still see her pale green eyes staring at him, though he was miles away from her. He still smelled her flowery scent--

"Stop it!" He said aloud. He forbade his mind to bring her up again. Obviously Skingrad wasn't far enough.

He glared at the ground as he walked until a round stone caught his eye. It was white and smooth, just laying on the path. Curiously, he nudged it with his foot. It rolled over, greeting him with empty eye sockets and a malicious grin. He instantly felt a chilling numb throughout his body. He nudged it again, turning its gaze elsewhere. Only a few minutes passed when he came across another. He ignored it, forcing himself to keep his head held high, though it was hard resisting the urge to slink back to Kvatch.

"Stop it," he repeated, this time in a harsh whisper. "She is not worth it. I'm stronger than this. I can beat this on my own." His heart pounded angrily in his chest. "Traitor," he growled.

He stomped up the path until he came across two headless skeletons in front of a cave. On either side of the cave was a stake with three skulled impaled on them, along with ropes holding skulls. Contrasting them were heart-shaped leaves with budding violet flowers, wrapping beautifully around the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For sure, the thing I need to work on is bringing Wrothken truly to life while in third person, like SubRosa did with Teresa. I know it still needs lots of work, but I'm not quite sure how to tweak things. Any advice would be appreciated

Just so you all know, he's eventually going to be headed for the Shivering Isles and it happens before the crisis.

I think it is AWESOME !!! You have developed the personalities well, and given us some insights into background - Super first chapter!!

...meh....

Now I'm all shy...

Its not the entire first chapter, when I finally post there's still reason to read.

But thanks so much. It means a lot coming from you :touched:

My god, this part of the forum... It has an actual background! I think I'm in love.

Annnnyway, that bit of awkwardness aside, your story seems pretty interesting. Your character is amusing so far, you've created the start of a backstory to leave people wanting to know more, and have given direction for the next bit. A good example of how to start a story, in my opinion.

Interesting to see your character being a Nord, by the way. You don't really see too many of those, so it's a bit refreshing.

So, do go on.

Hi Jacki! Welcome to the world of pure fiction writing!

Well you certainly start with excitement! The first sentence is one of action, giving you a very strong hook. Congratulations, that was well done! The first few paragraphs of every story are very important, as they either make a person want to keep reading, or convince them to give up and go elsewhere. You do the first here!

What I liked most of all about our hero's altercation was that fact that it ended without anyone dying. The bandit ran off when she realized she was beaten, rather than stay and fight to the death. That is the type of thing a real person would do, as opposed to the homicidal maniacs with no sense of self-preservation you see in the game. For his own part Wrothken did not pursue, so we know that he is not bloodthristy, but also that he is wise enough not to go chasing off into unfamiliar terrain where an ambush might be waiting.

You said you wanted to focus on bringing Wrothken to life. I think you have done an excellent job! His inner dialogue was excellent. Just keep doing what you are, and you will be fine. You keep us very firmly in his head the entire time, and really make him live and breathe as a real person.

Is Jekosiit something from the game? Or is it a word you created?

Undena Orethi was an interesting, and amusing minor character. I liked her, even though we only see her for a few paragraphs, she was most fun to read about.

Awour sounds interesting as well. Hip length golden blond hair! rawr! More interesting however, are Wrothken's feelings for her. You did an excellent job of showing them to use, rather than telling us. That was beautifully done! :thumbsup:

What were the funny round things in the road with the faces?


nits:

Wrothken noticed her overstep, and he grabbed her weilding arm with one hand, pulling her in, and he thrusted his knee hard into her stomach.
That ought to be wielding , and you want thrust rather than thrusted .


They were distrustful of other races, so the Nord would be unwelcome and likely alone in the society.
saying "the Nord" sounds odd, like he is thinking of himself as another person. Perhaps you should say "a Nord" instead?


Oh, and she said something about them not eating meat.
I am not sure if this was intentional, but according to ES lore the Bosmer of Valenwood have what they call The Green Pact, which among other things makes them 100% carnivores. Cannibals in fact.


barely able to see the faint outline of Caslte Kvatch.
That should be Castle


"Dammit!" He shouted, stomping his foot.
In dialogue like this, and exclamation marks acts as a comma, meaning you should continue with a lowercase "h" in he.

"Stop it!" He said aloud.
Same thing here.


On either side of the cave was a stake with three skulled impaled on them, along with ropes holding skulls.
I believe you want skulls here. You also have a variation of the word skull twice in the same sentence here. Since there are not many synonyms for skull, you might try breaking it into two sentences:
On either side of the cave entrance was a stake with three skulls impaled on each, one on top of another. More skulls hung from ropes alongside the rickety door.

:facepalm: Oh wow, I got confused about the Green Pact. I thought they had to stick to plants O.O oops...

Thanks for pointing that out. I'm using WordPad since I don't have Word so I'll have to look extra careful for spelling errors.

Jekosiit is a Khajiit insult. There was no exact definition though.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment. I know I shouldn't really do it, but I've been trying to get it as good as your story and getting a bit irritated when I can't compare the two.

Oh and the round things were random skulls that fell down the hill.

Congratulations on your fanfic! Welcome to the Arena!

I see that SubRosa caught most of my nits. So I'll just focus on content.

I really liked how you started with action to get us into the story. I also liked the realism of the combat. That really broke from the game and made things more realistic (a problem I have with my own fan fic). The gritty description also sat well with me.

The thoughts about Kirsty were very intriguing - I wanted to learn more about her and how she convinced Wrothken to go on this journey - who is she? what journey? to where? I really liked that part as well.

And the interaction with Undena Orethi was very well done. I always liked meeting her on the road. I love tomatoes too, and have tried growing them, with mixed success. So I can relate to her quest for the perfect tomato! Wrothken will probably think I'm strange, too.

Wrothken's thoughts about Awour also makes me wonder about that side of the story as well!

I did see one nit that SubRosa missed:

It's loneliness.

A great start, and I'm hooked already! Give me more, please.

Thank you very much

Wow, I was expecting people to hate it...

Anyway, that's the whole point of Kirsty. There's supposed to be a lot of wondering about her and she'll physically show up in the sequel. Like I said, this isn't the entire first chapter, so his quest will show up soon.

Well, all the helpful comments have really inspired me to finish editing the full thing I have and I'll be posting it soon You've all made me the happiest of all turtles

EDIT: I've finished Chapter One. All I need is a title and I can post. How do you guys come up with good ones?

Jacki

I really didn't want to do this. In fact I thought I might just pass without posting, when I thought...


perhaps she might welcome advice on fighting...for this character does seem to be a combat character..


And so, here goes.

For those who aren't much into combat, you have to try to act out some of the combat you are writing about. Only then can you appreciate the actual physics and reality of combat.

The mace is a momentum weapon. It's heavy, and it's heavy for a reason - it's designed to cause damage NOT by its speed, but by its weight. Which means that that 'safe speed' for a mace is much, much lower than that of a cutting weapon. A slow blade does little damage, no matter how sharp its edge is: but even a mace swung slowly will cause a really nasty wound - INTERNALLY - when it lands.

As in bone fracturing. As in bone breaking. Which is, after all, what maces were designed for in the first place.

In other words: when you slam maces into temples, unless the temple in question happens to belong to an orc, you will hear a dull CRACK and get an unconcious opponent 90% of the time.

Apart from that, however, I thought your story was fair. I would suggest that you do a lot of reading of SubRosa's stories, however, particularly in regard to the setting of scenes.

Thanks Foxy.

He's not exactly a combat character. In fact, I'd rather avoid fight scenes because I'm not very good at them. I'm just doing what I did in the game itself.

For the record, she (the Khajiit) did die in the first draft. I just didn't want to wrestle with the emotional aspect of him killing quite yet, as there's plenty of emotions within him already. I acted it out, actually with a "mace" and my fiance helped me figure out how it would work, but you're right, a blow to the head would do that. I'll go back and edit.

Oh, and I read SubRosa's story religiously. Since she uses third person, hers was the main source of inspiration. :read: