Prologue.

He Who Walks the Way of Rawlith Khaj



A lone Khajiit sat upon a sandstone rock, the soft rocks beneath him crunched as he shifted his sitting position in his meditative stance. A cool wind blew, sand blowing slightly across the vast dunes. Light patches of tall plains-grass bent over and then rectified themselves, swaying lightly. The wind blew the Khajiits' thick black-spotted gray fur, the long warriors-braid atop his head blew as well. The sun, cresting its red-golden shape above the ridge of rocky dunes, cast a light upon the Khajiit, as well as the now alight sand around him, giving it a golden radiance that shone on the otherwise bleak surroundings. As another wind blew, shaking the sparse palms that dotted the area, the Khajiit got up and stretched. He had meditated, only as the sensei do in the teachings of Rawlith Khaj.

As he stood, the large Cathay-raht bent over to pick up his meager gear. Wrapping his trademark skirt about his waist, as well as his red sash and short scimitar with belt. The blew open the tan robe he threw about his shoulders, and the cowl atop his head. The six foot seven inches Khajiit stood with his back towards the sunlight. Slinging his cloth sack over his shoulder, his wooden staff in his right hand, the great cat began walking West, towards his temple.


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The Temple of the Two-Moons


Fires blazed, screams were heard. Men in red clothing, with ornate Daedric style armor covering their obscured bodies. They held torches and all manner of weapons, summoning hellish creatures. The monks were killing the invaders left and right, but being out numbered all they could do was fight to the death. The last monk, an old khajiit with dark black fur and gold spots, stood... surrounded. The commander of the invaders, dressed in Daedric Armor with a flowing red cape; though he was human, and wielding a hellish, sinister claymore. The man spoke, "Your order has ended," his voice raspy and dripping with malice, "the time of Dagon's Sons has come, and the Empire shall fall. My master was banished by the false god Akatosh, but he speaks to me, he tells me of plans and great destruction to come. I leave you here to give this message to all of Tamriel... War is Coming... and you will all die." The large mam made a motion and soon, all of the creatures and men were gone, the temple burning and is ruins.

The monk stood, the frightened Khajiit quickly ran to try and put fires out of some of the buildings. This was war, a war that would shake and tear the very fabric of Tamriels' people and its land. Only few could stop it.

The idea of the RP (or fan fic) is the story of a Khajiit Martial Artist who practices Rawlith Khaj, a form of fighting that Khajiit excel at. A new cult worshiping Mehrunes Dagon has come together (this is two years after the events of Oblivion), and they're basically trying to bring about a new coming of the Oblivion Crisis. Shin'jah is a Khajiiti master of Rawlith Khaj. He is to embark on a quest that recruits others like him, fighters, who use only their bodies and few weapons in battle.

So, what'd ya think?

First of all, this would work much better as a fan fic than an RP. There is one simple reason for this: RPs don't work well when the host's character is interesting. Not to say your character has to be boring, but I can see you've developed him to be kind of mysterious, and that lends best to stories. When you try and develop your character during an RP (as the host) you end up losing sight of what's important (the story and everyone else's characters). So I would certainly advise building this into a story and not an RP.

Next, if you intend for this to be your introduction it needs a bit of work. It's pretty good, but some of the descriptions are a tad awkward. I'll go more in depth once you write the actual intro, but here's a few examples:


No need for the first bit about crunching if you mention it later. Get rid of or change the strikethrough part.


Same thing, repetition is only good when used farther apart


Kind of a run on sentence. Break it up a bit, so it flows without rambling and changing subjects. You can do it in one sentence, but at least separate the clauses. Perhaps like this:
"The wind kicked up a haze of sand over the vast dunes. Sparse patches of grass wavered in the breeze, swaying under the hot sun."


Same thing, if we know it is black and gray the darkness is given. Also, a key part of description is using imagery that the audience can relate to. Using overly complex or ambiguous descriptions only leaves the reader confused. Use similes to relate things to more familiar objects, or just tone it down a bit. Sometimes, letting the reader's imagination make the scene is better than describing it all in detail. Just push them in the right direction, set a good tone, and let them do the rest.


This does not follow well with the mysterious feeling you've built up around this guy. Either keep your point of view far out, only describing his actions and words, or keep it close up, adding in his thoughts and feelings. But don't switch between the two; starting far and going close makes the setup anticlimatic, and starting close and going far leaves us wondering why he isn't thinking anything anymore. If you want to stick with far, this little bit is getting too close, as it is describing his thoughts.


I can see that you know what you want him to look like, but meticulously describing each piece of his equipment does not help the reader understand. First of all, that little parenthesis statement detracts from the immersion of the story. If you have to explain the picture, you're better off leaving it out. And once again, you don't have to describe everything, just enough so the reader gets a feel for it. My favorite method is to start general, "His traditional desert garb," and then go closer, "Made up of simple robes and sashes, completed by his cloth cowl." Everyone here should know what a cowl is, and it gives a much better picture than a "white cloth".

I would go into detail with the second section as well, but I am running out of time. Suffice to say that it has many of the same problems with description, and the monk's final bit of dialogue is a bit out of place. Of course he'll go tell someone, you don't need to tell the audience that, especially not in dialogue. It just feels out of place. You built up a lot of suspense with the Dagon guy, but then you use such an ordinary ending that it ruins all that.

However, the idea interests me greatly, and I'm sure that with a little work you can make a great story. Thanks for writing, and keep up the good work :goodjob:

If you do intend on doing an RP, I could certainly throw in my Argonian Martial Artist, Xa-raku.

If it ends up being a RP, and since this kinda sprung up from my little poem, I'll have to be apart of it.

Summer = time.

If it is a fanfic, I'll read along. This should be nice.

Which tower will you destroy?

:rofl: Good one, Ravanger. I suppose it would make sense, given the whole "Daedric destruction" motif.

If I were you I would go for either the Statue of Akatosh or (since it's set in Elsweyr, I think) the Khajiit tower.

Oh, and be sure to develop the martial arts realistically. I'm not sure if you are a martial artist, but I know some of us are (including myself), and it can be very technical. That seems like an essential component to your story, so make it convincing ^_^

it's so much easier to write about technical things when your audience can't point out mistakes. :wink_smile:

Screw your karate. We all know BJJ is the real thing. You never see those UFC guys using karate. Haha.

But yea, I get your point. Well, we'll see if this is a RP or a fanfic, and how it turns out. Good luck to you, Jonas.

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback, guys. And Darkom, I was aware of all the repetition as well as the clothing thing, and the parentheses, AND the monk dialogue. I was going to go through and proof read it, as well as edit much of it, however, I got sidetracked by Red Dead Redemption. Which I'm playing right now.

So then, when I find a good time, I shall make edits and create the OFFICIAL Fan-fic. I'm not to good with fan-fics... but I'll give it a shot.

I prefer fan fics myself, as you have total control over the plot, character interaction, dialogue, etc. It can be a bit more lonely, but I feel it is much more rewarding and fun in its own right. Besides, if you ever want to be a writer or even a top notch RPer, you're going to want to do a bit of writing on the side.

And here's a tip when it comes to editing: don't post it until after you've edited it. We can wait a day, or a week, for the next chapter. I haven't updated my own fan fic in way too long :sadvaultboy: But especially with the first chapter: edit, edit, and edit some more before posting, because that is the first thing people see when they look at your fan fic, and you want it to be good. Plan it out a little too

Good luck, I look forward to the first chapter :goodjob: