Prisoner #357-044-308-050

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 3:54 pm

Hello, this is my first fan fic so I'm hoping that it will get a view besides my mom. So if you like it tell your friends, if you have any, your mom, if she still loves you, and your family, unless they can't afford to give you a birthday card, so I can get published and eat for a month. THANKS!!!
Prisoner #357-044-308-050
10:00 pm Megaton, Capital Wasteland

This wasn't the first time everybody stared at him when he had walked into a room. This time was different, no hatred or tears. Just blank emptiness in every bodies eyes. He was nervous. This wasn't like Texas. D.C was much more... empty. Maybe staring into The Capital Wasteland for your whole life made your eyes empty too. Maybe they’ve never seen a ghoul before. No, they nearly got a direct hit, there had to be some around. The bartender settled the matter.
“Hey ugly, what can I get you,” said the bartender.
“How about some regular skin and a decent burial,” said the fellow as he sat down.
“I hear you, but some shots of whiskey just might do the trick, the names Gob by the way,” said the raspy voice
“GOOOOOB, NO ONE GIVES A RATS ASS ABOUT YOUR NAME OR THE SORRY [censored] THAT MADE YOU!!! GET THE MAN DRUNK OR I'LL SHOVE MY FOOT UP YOUR [censored]!!!” said an annoyed, but not angry, Irish man.
The man stormed out of the back room, “Colin Moriarty, nice to [censored] meet you,” said the gray haired man, “Lookin' for six, drink, or trouble, you have come to the right place my googly eyed friend.”
“ Don't call me googly eyed...”
“ Ahhh takes offense the lad does, would you prefer rotten potato then?” as he poured him a shot of whiskey.
“I don't know, what do YOU like better, 44 or 357?” as he drew both and pointed them at Colin's head.
“Your lookin' for trouble I see.”
“Nope just some whiskey,” as he holstered the weapons. He was surprised that nobody else drew their guns on him. Guess nobody actually liked him, or just owed him caps.
“Take the whole bottle, 5 caps. Discount for the [censored] with big guns and even bigger balls. 25 and you got yourself a room for the night.”
The man was satisfied and went up stairs for the night. He needed his rest for tomorrows journey to The Mall...
User avatar
Rowena
 
Posts: 3471
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:40 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 4:24 pm

thats pretty good and i hope you keep on writing
User avatar
Jose ordaz
 
Posts: 3552
Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2007 10:14 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 4:58 am

Hehehe wish I had your joke writter .
User avatar
Carlos Vazquez
 
Posts: 3407
Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 10:19 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 2:32 am

A pretty nice intro. Brief, simple, straight to the point. It's sort of like reading a descriptive script to a play.

I recommend you go a bit more into detail beyond just dialogue and simple choppy sentences for later chapters, but other then that I look forward to reading more!

And spacing! Don't forget spacing! No one likes a block of text.
User avatar
Laura Mclean
 
Posts: 3471
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:15 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 4:27 am

AllY'all right thanks for the feedback and advice
User avatar
Josh Sabatini
 
Posts: 3445
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:47 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 2:15 pm

NICE FIRST FANFIC! <---Words meant to encourage.


As Blackhand mentioned, spacing. It makes things look much nicer and not to mention, easier to read.


This wasn't the first time everybody stared at him when he had walked into a room. This time was different, no hatred or tears. Just blank emptiness in every bodies[1] eyes. He was nervous. This wasn't like Texas. D.C was much more... empty. Maybe staring into The Capital Wasteland for your whole life made your eyes empty too. Maybe they’ve never seen a ghoul before. No, they nearly got a direct hit, there had to be some around. The bartender settled the matter.[2]

"Hey ugly, what can I get you,” said the bartender.

“How about some regular skin and a decent burial,” said the ghoul[3]

“I hear you, but some shots of whiskey just might do the trick, the names Gob by the way,” said the raspy voice

“GOOOOOB, NO ONE GIVES A RATS ASS ABOUT YOUR NAME OR THE SORRY [censored] THAT MADE YOU!!! GET THE MAN DRUNK OR I'LL SHOVE MY FOOT UP YOUR [censored]!!!” said an annoyed, but not angry, Irish man.

The man came out of the back area[4]

“Colin Moriarty, nice to [censored] meet you,” said the gray haired man, “Lookin' for six, drink, or trouble, you have come to the right place my googly eyed friend.”

“ Don't call me googly eyed...”

"Ahhh takes offense the lad does, would you prefer rotten potato then?” as he poured him a shot of whiskey.

“I don't know, what do YOU like better, .44 or .357?” as he drew both and pointed them at Colin's head.[5]

"Your lookin' for trouble I see.”

“Nope just some whiskey,” as he holstered the weapons. He was surprised that nobody else drew their guns on him. Guess nobody actually liked him, or just owed him caps.[6]

“Take the whole bottle, 5 caps. Discount for the [censored] with big guns and even bigger balls. 25 and you got yourself a room for the night.”
The ghoul was satisfied and went up stairs for the night. He needed his rest for tomorrows journey to The Mall.[7]

[1]- Everybody. Small grammar mistake, nothing to worry about, I'm just being nitpicky.

[2]-I'm pretty sure everyone here has played Fallout 3 up to some point, and most have met Gob. But that doesn't mean everyone has, and that can make the next exchange of talk very confusing for those people. Hell, even I was confused for a moment, till I realized it was Gob. I just think it would have been better if you had elaborated more, on the fact that he's a ghoul.

[3]- Ahh, that was kind of a let down. Considering the fact that we didn't know up into this point that the main protagonist is a ghoul, I think it was a little anit-climatic on how you just went and said. You could have built on it, not only adding suspense/drama, but also giving us a clue to his appearance

[4]. The man came out of the back area. Don't you think that's rather...weak? Especially with the dialogue behind it, you could have easily added more descriptive language. I mean you have this loud, Irish man screaming obscenities, but he just comes out the back. Doesn't storm, walk(slowly or quickly), lumber, stomps, skips, hops, jumps, gallops, glides, etc. He was in the back and no he isn't. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling.

[5]. Another small thing, I added a period in front of the numbers, indicating that those were in fact, calibers.

[6] I'm surprised no one drew guns in the Ghoul. Moriarty may be a certified, dike. But he's Megaton's certified dike. Just because people hate/dislike him doesn't mean they would tolerate someone pointing a gun at his head. But then again, it's not like Fallout is built upon huge loads of realism.

[7]. Write out the numbers one through ten. Basic formatting.

That's all from me, keep it up. And once again, Blackhand is right in saying you need more descriptive language next time.

Good Luck.
User avatar
Erin S
 
Posts: 3416
Joined: Sat Jul 29, 2006 2:06 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 2:23 pm

thanks for that reply. i see what you mean, should i change the part that he was a ghoul and let anybody else who reads it guess? im kinda pissed now that you mentioned it.
User avatar
Horse gal smithe
 
Posts: 3302
Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2006 9:23 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 1:23 pm

Hey guys, I made a slight character change an I am now in the process if making the second chapter should be here around wendsday to Friday.
User avatar
Steve Smith
 
Posts: 3540
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:47 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 5:41 pm


Everybody. Small grammar mistake, nothing to worry about, I'm just being nitpicky.

Another small thing, I added a period in front of the numbers, indicating that those were in fact, calibers.

Write out the numbers one through ten. Basic formatting.

That's all from me, keep it up. And once again, Blackhand is right in saying you need more descriptive language next time.



Grammar Nazi strikes again! :celebration:
User avatar
Dominic Vaughan
 
Posts: 3531
Joined: Mon May 14, 2007 1:47 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 5:25 pm

Grammar Nazi Awesome Patzi strikes again! :celebration:


This was the only thing I thought when I saw your post.
User avatar
Lavender Brown
 
Posts: 3448
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:37 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 5:31 pm

This was the only thing I thought when I saw your post.


Would have been better if it were pizza... I miss pizza.
User avatar
Dean Brown
 
Posts: 3472
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:17 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 3:46 am

Well this is my second chapter and I hope it it much better than the last. I've taken into account of all the replies to see if they would help. Reply again to tell me what I can do better blah blah blah
By the way, what ever happened to the damn chickens in Fallout?
….................................................................................................................................................................
8:30 am Megaton
The ghoul woke up from the first bed he had slept in for months. He woke up and thought he smelled bacon and eggs. His eyes widened and sudden rush of blood went to his head and he blacked out....
….................................................................................................................................................................

“Come on maggot wake up, it's your lucky day...” said the guard.

“Hope you give me a good ol' Texas biscuit and jam before I go,” said the man.

“Your a good man, I know you didn't do it, I'll give you that ,” said the guard.

The guard turned around toward the desk looking over the cells. On the back of his Kevlar vest it read, “Texas State Prison.”

“You know, I used to think that the justice system here was really good, but now I sit here wondering how many innocent people died because of it.” explained the prisoner.

“Far too many, far too many... ”

The prisoner sat down on the chair. It was made of wood but was actually quite comfortable. Then a wet sponge was placed on his head. He was pretty hot so he
welcomed it, but then the shock pad was placed on top of it along with the rest of his body.


“Prisoner number 357-044-308-050 is condemned to death by the electric chair, any last words?”

“Yes I do. I swear to you I didn't do anything to them. I have 2 little girls at home too, I couldn't lay I finger on them, I just hope you believe me and that God will see that I am telling the truth. That is all.”
A rush of electric went through him, he started shaking and foam was oozing out of his mouth, The pain was unbearable, then it stopped...

“What the hell happened?!”


“The power sir, it must have been a blackout but the backup should of-”

All of a sudden a man burst into the room.

“We've just been nuked!!! Everyone needs to get their the vaults or shelters now!!! Leave the prisoner, everybody move now!!!!”

The prisoner looked around. He was confused. He was strapped into a chair but couldn’t get loose. He didn't know why he was here. He didn't even know his own name. He started to panic and an adrenalin rush kicked in. He went crazy kicking and screaming. His left arm was free, then his right, both of his legs, he ran out the door. The memory was fuzzy but there was screams of “Let me out” and “I gave you some smokes, remember?.” He kept on running, all the way out to the parking lot sweat running down his face, which was his car? The red one, the blew one?
He forgot his whole life...
User avatar
krystal sowten
 
Posts: 3367
Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2007 6:25 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 8:14 am

Really good so far, keep it up!
EDIT: The second chapter was awesome, the only mistake I noticed was that 'blue' is spelled blue, not 'blew.'
User avatar
Lizzie
 
Posts: 3476
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 5:51 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 1:54 pm

Beautiful. The second chappter is a absolute improvement from your first. Easy to read through. The scenes come out good to.

All you need to do really is workk on adding more detail. Maybe have more events haappen per post to. This is good though, and the only thing you can do at this point is get better while giving us a nice story. I look forward to more.




P.S: The chickens were mutated into giant birds of explosions and bacon. BACON!
User avatar
natalie mccormick
 
Posts: 3415
Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:36 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 12:49 pm

thanks. ill work on the detail more
the chickens exploded into bacon? doesnt sound like an apocolopes to me...
User avatar
Janine Rose
 
Posts: 3428
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 6:59 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 7:32 am

sorry my comp got a virus and im working on the 3rd chap should be up soon
User avatar
Robert Jr
 
Posts: 3447
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2007 7:49 pm

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 3:42 am

next chapter coming out tonight. I know i lost most of my viewers but i will post more frequently now!!
User avatar
Caroline flitcroft
 
Posts: 3412
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2006 7:05 am

Post » Sat May 28, 2011 4:44 pm

Chapter 3
8:30 Megaton, Capitol Wasteland

The ghoul woke up, bloodshot eyes and a thirsty throat. His head felt like it had got slammed with a lead pipe. He couldn’t even begin to process what

had just happened. A piece of his long lost past had just been revealed. He could remember the dream like it was yesterday. He remembered the pain of the chair...

the family watching him... He needed a drink. A nice glass of hard whiskey to clear his head, or make him drunk, which ever comes first.

He walked down the stairs, still woozy from the experience.

“Gemme' the strongest stuff you got,” said the ghoul.

“You got it.” said Gob.


“Ahh [censored] it, I hate this [censored] thing,” Gob said banging the radio,''It completely shuts off for no reason. Why did Moriarty even buy this stupid piece of junk.”


“Here let me see it, I've learned a few tricks in my day that might help,” said the ghoul.

He opened it up. It was an easy fix. He could do it drunk, it he wasn't already.

“Your power cell was loose there, should be good now,” said the ghoul

“Thanks, um um, sorry forgot your name.”

“So did I,” said the ghoul

“Ya whatever,” said Gob as he rolled his eyes.

The ghoul couldn't let this dream slow him down. He had to get to The Mall. He had traveled all the way from Detroit to see this. The ghoul knew he could drink dirty

water, but the sweet, crystal taste of the Old World's water was worth killing for here.


“Thanks for everything Gob,” said the ghoul

“Ya, no problem, oh and if you're going to Underworld, tell Carol I said hi,” responded Gob.

“Underworld?”

“Ya you know the place with all the ghouls. It's the only place in the Capitol Wasteland where you and me get some respect.” said Gob with enthusiasm.

“Really, where is it?” said the ghoul.

“The Mall, in the Museum of History,” said Gob.

“No [censored], I was going over to The Mall, thanks for the tip.

The ghoul quickly walked out of the bar hoping that nobody heard where he was going, It was stupid of him to even say where he was going. Rule #12, make sure

nobody can or is already following you.

He was rushing out of town. He skipped Rule #6, make sure you have your [censored] together, always. He was sure he had enough ammo, but he still needed some

stimpacks and whiskey was always, well for him it was almost needed. He headed out toward the wasteland. He had never been in The Capital Wasteland before so

Rule #17 was in place. Shoot everything you see that looks, sounds or smells like trouble. Out of the corner of his eye, he could of sworn he saw a shadow of a dog.

The wasteland must have made him crazy, or the whiskey. The journey was easy for about 2 hours after that, then he saw the city. The rumors were right, this place

was a [censored]hole. The rubble at places were at least 20 meters high.

This was going to be a rough journey.

He swam through the river as fast and as quietly as he could. Rule #2, swimming is fun, and the easiest way for an enemy to kill you. When he got to the other side,

he could here danger.


“How far until Megaton Dad,” said a high pitched voice.


“Shut up Jeff, someone my hear us,” said the father.

They were over a hill so the ghoul couldn't see them. He didn't want to waste any ammo, or kill them, wasn't his style. He always had a smile when he saw a father

and his son anyway.

“My feet hurt,” said Jeff.

“Son I'm gonna tell you one more time, be quiet.” said the father.

The ghoul heard them run away to the north, so he slowly walked up the hill. He could either go through the subway tunnels, which were probably filled with raiders

and could be flooded, so he decided to go with the pile of rubble. He didn't like subways anyways. Creepy and they smelled like [censored]. He knew he had to go with his

decision when he sprinted to the rubble. He heard a super mutant...


“Hey, who there? Gib Bob, that you? I'm coming there.”


The ghoul heard the footsteps about 30 meters away. He climbed. He heard the steps getting closer. The ghoul was aching from pain. He was too

old for this [censored].


The super mutant looked around the rubble. A dead silence filled the air. The mutant seemed confused until he saw a barrel of a rifle.


“Found-” POW!

A clean shot, straight through the mutant's skull.

“Boom,” laughed the ghoul.

“NOOOOO YOU STUPID HUMAN!!!!” screamed a very angry mutant

The ghoul heard the thousands of shots soar past him as the mutant went on a rampage with his mini gun. The ghoul jumped down the rubble as a bullet skinned his

ear. When the ghoul landed the jump, he heard a crack in his right ankle. The adrenaline had already kicked in so he couldn't feel any pain yet. He ran toward the

end of the street panting and out of breath. Finally hope.


“B.O.S Mall Outpost”


“[censored], I hate the Brotherhood, but it will have to do,” said the ghoul out of breath.

Everything was calm again. The mutant couldn't even get passed the rubble. The ghoul came up against his next challenge. A bridge. A simple invention, but he had

seen them turned into death traps before. This one was riddled with cars. An almost perfect ambush. It was the bridge, or the river which had a body flowing down it

at the time. Bridge it is. He limped to the first car. Rule #10, Bridges and mines are together like birds that can fly. He saw the first mine. He crept up toward it, it


beeped twice but the ghoul was no stranger to these baby’s and got the disarming switch. He checked under the car he was going to next before he went to it. Sure

enough he saw one. He got to it with ease, even with his ankle in it's condition. Then there was a problem, 10 mines placed in a smiley face in the middle of the

bridge. This was trouble. He obviously couldn't disarm all of them. He was thinking when he got another rush like the one before.

…..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

“Come on just climb the side of it, its fun! Come on even if you fall you'll land in the water.” said the kid in a swim suit.

“Why do I always listen to you?” said the smaller child

“I'm older, which makes me your older brother and older people are the boss of the younger kids, so I'm the boss,” said the older brother.

“Fine I'll do it.” moaned the kid brother.

The sign across the water read “The Rio Grande, United Stated-Mexico Border.
…..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

The ghoul snapped into reality. He knew what he had to do. He slowly went over the railing. Inching his way across the bridge. He slipped and lost his balance but a

finger held him in place. If he could, he would be sweating right now. He fought onward, hoping this torture would end. His mid was racing and he forgot where he

was. He had his eyes closed, then he remembered to open them. He was at the end of the bridge! He laughed as he hopped off. It wasn't so bad. Just nerve racking.


He saw the next sign to The Mall and walked onward.. One last pile of rubble. He froze. A dog was looking at him. The ghoul slowly pulled out his .357 and aimed at

it. With a burst of speed it ran off into the ally. He was being watched. By who, he did not know. He limped toward the next rubble pile, a mere 5 meters, nothing

liked the last one. He was still struggling though. His ankle was getting worse. It was swollen like an apple now and he couldn't put any pressure on it. He was

crawling over the damn thing when he finally saw it, The Mall. He saw the Washington Monument, the (once) Reflecting Lake. He finally made it. He started hopping

on his left foot toward the Monument. He froze a second and maybe his last time.


"Hey human, member' me, GIB BOB!!!”
User avatar
Milagros Osorio
 
Posts: 3426
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:33 pm


Return to Fallout Series Discussion