I also wondered what Marie would turn out to be wether the Lone Wanderer !SPOILER!:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::kidnapped her or let her be.
I've started reading the first chapter and I'm intrigued.

Wow, this is amazing.

I read somewhere you wrote: supposition.......not science.

Did you mean superstition?

Ah, you mean these sentences on page 1?:
"There was only one explanation. But she needed confirmation. Acting on suspicions, mere supposition...unscientific."

There I did mean supposition; "something that is supposed; assumption; hypothesis."; superstition wouldn't have worked. Thanks for all the feedback, I'll have a new update up fairly soon.

Oh, didn't no if that was an actual word or not, thx for clearing that up.

I just realized I mistyped 'mean.'

You've got quite the knack for world-building Lorca. Your settings are always very impressive, and I do like how you're making Marie work for her revenge. (If she doesn't get turned into green goo or mezzed and kicked back to the Pitt)

Thanks very much, although I'm just standing on the shoulders of giants and building on a world already created. Hopefully it gels with the original vision. Anyway, time to advance...

Chapter 9: Neither Meaning Nor Pity.
"Not New York, the New York Bight. For sailors like myself, it's a dangerous place. Lots of surges ready to drown us, lots of pirates ready to kill us. Lots of ships have been lost here on the District to Commonwealth run."

"Will we be able to see New York?" asked Marie, hopefully. Knowing that the city as it was had been destroyed, she still found herself fascinated with the city - a book she had read in her youth conjured up images of the brownstone buildings, sophisticated café society and wealth piled upon wealth, a place where a girl could come from nothing, and using her feminine wiles bend males to her will. The last few chapters of the book were missing, but Marie still read the book often. An escape from the experimentations that plagued her teenage years. Hartt soon displaced the cosmopolitan myth.

"Absolutely not," he scorned. "Besides, it would take us 20 miles off course."

"What is the city like now?" asked Marie. "Why can't we have a look?"

"You ever hear the saying 'curiosity killed the mole rat'? Well, it kills a lot more than that. To answer your first question, I don't know or care. I've already answered your second."

"What's there? Why wouldn't we survive."

Hartt paced the deck of the Constitution, gazing across the grey sea.
"About eight years ago there was a very famous expedition into the city. We knew next to nothing about it, just ridiculous legends and hearsay. But we need to go back a bit further, to around eighteen years ago. Back then The Commonwealth viewed the Capital Wasteland, as it was called, as just another barbaric backwater. Now and again androids would escape down there, that was the extent of the contact. But then something changed, very quickly. New technology appeared that rivalled The Commonwealth, energy weapons far more advanced than anything we could find or produce. Probably the basis of that rifle you're holding right now. That piqued the interest of Commonwealth bigwigs, I can tell you. Then their wasteland began to change, with Project Purity as the catalyst."

"Project Purity?"

"Basically an enormous water purifier. I don't know much else about it, but you can imagine how something like that would change a region. Settlements began to band together, vegetation and agriculture began to develop. Eventually the trade route that we're travelling now was established. The rest, as they say, is history."

"Interesting, but how does this relate to New York?"

"After the Capital Wasteland transformed into The District, mutual respect was reached with The Commonwealth. Quite a feat, but I digress. The two burgeoning states saw themselves as oases of civilisation in a sea of barbarism, and both shared an insatiable fascination for technology. Innate in The Commonwealth, introduced by the doctrines of the Brotherhood of Steel in The District. The two-"

"The Brotherhood of Steel? I know that name...in our long histories," interrupted Marie. "In the dawn of The Pitt...The Scourge. They came and wiped out the most disgusting mutations, founding our city as it was before the Lone Wanderer arrived..."

"I don't know anything about that," dismissed Hartt. "But the Brotherhood are a bunch of windbags, they have pages of data on what they eat for breakfast. No doubt they'll talk your ear off about this 'scourge' of yours, if you live long enough to speak to one of them. Anyway, as I was saying. The two spotted a mutual opportunity in the ruins of New York, their eyes twinkling with imagined riches beneath the rubble. That takes us to eight years ago, when a joint expedition was launched - five Brotherhood of Steel paladins and five E-Type Enforcer androids from The Commonwealth. Two Commonwealth researchers established a forward base in a dead little patch of rubble a few miles outside the city, across the Hudson River. The team of technology and technology worshippers headed into the ruins, aiming for the jagged remains of Manhattan. There they ran into the first problem - getting across the river. All the old bridges were destroyed. Fortunately, after a few days of searching the rubble, they found an entrance. The Lincoln Tunnel was still intact, pitch black. Those E-Type androids can see in the dark, the Brotherhood's power armour illuminated the way for the humans. They radioed back to the forward base what they saw; ashes blowing across gridlocked cars, filled with the skeletons of families who had tried to escape the bomb. They had to climb across the cars, pack in as they were."

"Pitch black, climbing over metal coffins with ashes blowing about there feet...I would have been terrified."

"Well, paladins don't feel fear, and androids can't."

"So, what did they find?"

"Who knows. As they reached the exit of the tunnel all radio contact ceased, from the paladins and the androids."

"Why?"

"Didn't I just tell you I didn't know?" replied Hartt in frustration. "It's been a favourite topic for nuts ever since. The official explanation is that the tunnel finally collapsed due to the disturbance, although at the time they lost contact they should have been just out of the tunnel and into the city itself. There are some other theories. A popular one is that the city is absolutely infested with ghouls, who set upon the expedition and ripped them limb from limb. Although E-Type androids should be impervious to anything claws and teeth could do, as would the power armoured paladins. Another idea is that the city is so irradiated from the bombs that it killed the expedition immediately, although again this wouldn't be a problem for the androids. Some say that unimaginable monsters set upon them. I don't know, and don't want to find out."

"Seems like they should have sent another expedition to find out the truth," replied Marie.

"Well, there have been a few idiots who have tried to enter the city from different approaches. They are never heard from again. It's too much of a risk. In any case, out here we need to worry more about pirates from Long Beach than we do about whatever lurks in Manhattan."

Marie took the cue, peering through the scope at a black dot approaching the Constitution from the distant shoreline.

"I see something," she gestured to Hartt, who flipped out an eyeglass from his jacket.

"Idiots. Idiots! These are the cretins who attacked me a few months ago. I managed to drive their little row-boat away with small arms fire last time. They've probably upgraded since then. Be on your guard."

Man, I just started reading this and I'm glad I did. This story is 100% pure awesome. I love it, you really paint a clear and vivid picture in my mind. I haven't finished it yet, but I have encountered one problem I had, that you still seem to be doing. It goes way back to what Destri said, but I would love it if you put a single line space in between dialogue when a new person starts talking like:

Could instead be:

"Not New York, the New York Bight. For sailors like myself, it's a dangerous place. Lots of surges ready to drown us, lots of pirates ready to kill us. Lots of ships have been lost here on the District to Commonwealth run."

"Will we be able to see New York?" asked Marie, hopefully.

It would make it so much easier to read for me. But regardless if you change it or not, I still think this a great story. I love it.

Don't ask me why(cuz I don't even know), but I've been avoiding this entry. The first sentances didn't really catch my attention but if my man Ytt likes it (and if it's still updating), then it must be good. I still haven't started reading it yet cuz I hate reading on iPods but I've made the point known that I would.

It may even give me inspiration for my fanfic.

Man, I just started reading this and I'm glad I did. This story is 100% pure awesome. I love it, you really paint a clear and vivid picture in my mind. I haven't finished it yet, but I have encountered one problem I had, that you still seem to be doing. It goes way back to what Destri said, but I would love it if you put a single line space in between dialogue when a new person starts talking like:

Could instead be:

"Not New York, the New York Bight. For sailors like myself, it's a dangerous place. Lots of surges ready to drown us, lots of pirates ready to kill us. Lots of ships have been lost here on the District to Commonwealth run."

"Will we be able to see New York?" asked Marie, hopefully.

It would make it so much easier to read for me. But regardless if you change it or not, I still think this a great story. I love it.

Thanks, I'm glad the only criticisms are presentational and not content. I'm not sure it's entirely grammatically correct, but if it makes the story easier on the eyes I'll space out the dialogue a bit.

Don't ask me why(cuz I don't even know), but I've been avoiding this entry. The first sentances didn't really catch my attention but if my man Ytt likes it (and if it's still updating), then it must be good. I still haven't started reading it yet cuz I hate reading on iPods but I've made the point known that I would.

It may even give me inspiration for my fanfic.

Hmm, well I tried to give The Pitt's past the kind of 'Fallout myth' type feel you see when Fallout 2 talks about the events of Fallout 1, and when Fallout 3 talks about the past of the Capital Wasteland - half-truths, legends and lies. You can see this in The Lone Wanderer's own past and his birth in the basemant of the Jefferson Memorial, and the history of Rivet City. I can understand that this style might put off a few people. Anyway, on with the story!
----

Marie kept her eyes on the approaching boat. She thought that Hartt was being sarcastic referring to a 'row-boat', but the description was accurate. The ragged band of would-be pirates thrashed at the sea with a two banks of oars, the rest holding assault rifles in the air. Their apparent leader stood proudly, posed at the bow and swinging a grappling hook.

"When they come in range, fire!" shouted Hartt, running to the bridge.

The bobbing of the ship, as well as turning Marie's stomach, had the effect of making aiming extremely difficult. She balanced her plasma beam rifle on the rails of the ship, trying to keep the barrel steady. Firing the green stream, the beam went straight over the heads of the attackers, then bobbed up and down with the movement of the ship.

"What the hell was that?!" came a cry from the bridge. "Kill them before they come too close!"

Marie shot a foul look in Hartt's direction, before crouching closer to the deck and balancing her rifle on a lower bar of the rail. Preparing to fire again, a wave crashed into the port of the ship, sending Marie to the deck and again slicing her shot pointlessly across the sea. All the while the enemy rowed closer. Frustrated, Marie prepared again. One shot would be all that was required, as the beam would cut through their pathetic vessel and leave the pirates floundering in the grey, uncaring deep. Unfortunately that shot was proving elusive. Throwing caution to the wind, Marie stood on the deck and braced herself for whatever the sea could throw at her.

Looking through her scope, she matched the rhythm of the sea. Aiming at their leader, she squeezed off a shot, only for it to miss by mere inches.

"Kill them! Kill them!" came increasingly angry shouts from the bridge.

"I'm getting closer," Marie cried in her defence.

The assault rifles of the pirates began to blare, although their shots were even more inaccurate than Marie's. She fired back some pot shots, hoping to suppress their fire. Suddenly the shots diverted, the pirates ignoring the Constitution and firing into the sea. Marie's confusion was short lived, as she saw something moving, slowly and smoothly beneath the tempestuous waves, a flat, red and angular beast passing beneath the two vessels.

"There's something in the sea," she yelled to Hartt. "Something big!"

"Oh, [CENSORED]. A Leviathan...if we don't get out of here, we're dead - the cursed beast will drag us down. I'll put everything I can into the engines!"

The angular shape circled the smaller pirate boat, drawing closer to the surface with each pass. Without warning, a dark red tentacle, embedded with vicious svckers, thrust out of the grey waves, throwing water across the pirates. Within seconds, myriad more tentacles had joined it, grasping at individuals on the boat and the boat itself. Their gunfire appeared to have no effect, as a tentacle wrapped itself around the pirate on the bow, grasping firmly around his chest and jerking him down into the depths, screaming and svckers embedded themselves into his skin. The tentacles withdrew back into the ocean, while the pirates fire in horror.

The Constitution gave out a roar from the stern, as the engines kicked in, throwing up a foul smelling smoke from the stern. Marie lost sight of their attackers from the starboard side, running instead to the stern. Coughing through the smoke, she once again looked through the scope. A mass of tentacles, far larger than the ones who had dragged the grappler to his death, engulfed the tiny vessel. Marie could spot failing limbs attempting to escape the deadly mass, to no avail. As the boat was crushed under the strength of the Leviathon's tentacles, she spotted the creature's eyes, a gigantic and uncaring perfect black circle, glazed in a larger white circle. As she recoiled, the tentacles withdrew to reveal the creature's beak, as it gnashed at the remains of the pirates with razor sharp brutality. As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared back into the depths.

"It's gone!" shouted Marie over the noise of the engines.

"Watch the sea!" came the reply.

Sure enough, the Constitution soon found herself with an unwelcome companion. The scarlet mass began to circle the hull, rising through the murky and otherwise lifeless waters. Marie fired into the waves, the plasma beam harmlessly throwing off steam from where it hit. Running to the centre of the deck, she led prone on the soaking planks. If the Levathon wanted to grab her, it would have a fight on its hands.

Smaller tentacles began to probe the deck, waving menacingly over the rails. Firing the green beam, the tentacles hissed as they were severed, falling back into the ocean. Smiling at the early victory, Marie readied herself for the next assault. Slithering up the hull, tentacles ripped the rails off the port and starboard of the ship. The Constitution juddered, giving painful creaks from within her belly.

"The damn thing is trying to pull us under," yelled Hartt, frantically spinning the wheel and pulling levers.

With no time to aim, Marie fired from her hip, slicing not only the tentacle but a chunk out of the hull.

"Damn it, this thing ain't cheap to fix! You're not much good to me if you do more damage than the beasties!"

Marie ignored Hartt's chastising, instead fascinated by the tentacle now flailing about wildly on the deck. Utilising her natural agility, she rolled away from the enormous and lethal foulness. As wide as Marie's body, she jumped back as it began its deaththroes. She felt the tip of another wrap itself around her shin, yanking her off her feet. She let out a painful scream, landing on her mangled ear, her blood began to drip and mingle with the saltwater. As adrenaline began to pulse through her body, she kicked at the tentacle dragging her towards the gap in the port railings, crushing it against the deck and firing into the air in fury. Sticky red blood began to seem from the appendage, as she crushed it beneath her boot heel. After what seemed like an eternity of struggle, the beast released her, immediately thrusting another bank of lethal svckers into the air. They were immediately severed by Marie's plasma beam, covering the deck in gushing blood. Thrusting its hideous beak out of the water, it scraqed a gash across the hull of the Constitution, before finally withdrawing back into the depths, staining the grey ocean red. Exhausted, Marie led on the deck, clasping her rifle close. Covered in foul smelling blood and offal, she grasped her stinging ear.

"Not dead are you?" asked Hartt, clambering from the bridge.

"Yes," replied Marie. "Be careful, this deck is now a deathtrap thanks to that damn monstrosity."

"You did well. When I saw those red tentacles, I was expecting a watery grave. You injured?"

"I'm fine," dismissed Marie, carefully standing up. "The ship hasn't fared as well."

"So I see," Hartt muttered, peering over the side of the ship. "That's a nasty hull breach. Fortunately it's above the waterline, so unless we get hit by a surge we'll be all right. And if that happens, we're probably dead anyway. I still can't believe you sliced away half of my port side..."

"There wasn't much time to aim," countered Marie. "Better damaged than dead."

"Still, that's a piece of history that's just been sliced off and lost forever," lamented the captain. "Not much we can do here, we'll have to make repairs when we reach port. You've earned a rest, I think. I want you on the stern, for now. Seems like the only place not caked in this filth."

Desolate and empty the sea. The rest of the trip, lasting days, was fortunately uneventful. The crashing waves and howling winds were interrupted only by Hartt's singing.
"The fair breeze blew! The white...foam flew!"

Marie was disappointed at what she had seen so far. Hartt was right, The District and The Commonwealth were quite right to see themselves as the only oases of civilisation on the east coast. Abandoned seaside towns, crumbling industrial docks and miles of lifeless cliffs seemingly comprised the majority of the United States east coast at the dawn of the 24th century.

"We're almost there," Hartt mentioned a few days later. "We're entering the Chesapeake Bay. In a few hours we'll be able to see the lighthouse of Point Lookout, then not far after that."

"Excellent," yawned Marie. "I must admit, sea life isn't really for me."

"I figured. But, er, there is one sin of omission I have committed. We're not going to The District."

"You'll have to repeat that," fired back Marie, her eyes narrowing.

"All right, calm down. No need for any dramatics. My cargo isn't bound for The District, but Old Dominion."

"Old Dominion? Never heard of it. You'd best explain yourself, and quick."

"Well, hark at you! Injure one Leviathan and suddenly you're the baddest wastelander on Earth."

"We had an agreement, Hartt," replied Marie, her patience expended by days at sea.

"We'll arrive not far from The District. There's just more in it for me to ship to Old Dominion. You remember talk of The District being at war? Old Dominion is who they're fighting, their southern neighbours. I'll drop you and my cargo not far from their frontline at Manasses. From there, it's a short walk northwards to The District."

"A short walk through a warzone, Hartt!"

"Old Dominion is host to some friendly folk, no doubt your natural charms will see you through. They're fairly civilised, although not as developed as The District or Commonwealth they still have a standing army, and administrative centre and government down in Richmond. Just mind your manners, as this new attitude of yours won't fly with these army wannabes."

it will take me all of tomorrow to read all the entries but the first two were pretty d
darn good. And like I said it would, I now have inspiration for a new fanfic (after I finish my old one).

Don't sell yourself short. It's rare see two things that you did: An Author that does there homework about a setting, and an Author that can turn scant bits of information into full-fledged worlds.

I haven't finished reading this yet but I wanted to make a few observations. So far it's been an engaging and imaginative read although I think some editing would tidy it up. This is coming from someone who's reading it as a whole work, not chapter by chapter as it was originally designed (and posted), so I don't know if it's worth it to you to go back and edit. I also find some of the dialogue somewhat contrived at times, like Marie and the others sound way too educated for me to believe that they're slaves or other wasteland mongrels. (to me anyway) .

A nitpicky point, I'm from the Pittsburgh area and I don't know why Marie and her guide wouldn't just take the parkway east to Monroeville instead of wandering around Highland park. The parkway (rt 376) goes directly to Monroeville from the downtown area, the Highland park bridge doesn't connect them. I would hate for you to cut out the zoo bits though, that was some nifty storytelling. These are minute points that probably don't need fixing. It doesn't affect the story and most people would be none the wiser.

"Monroeville was a deathtrap, infested with cannibalistic Trogs who delight in rending flesh."
You have no idea how accurate this is.

So far I've been enjoying this and will continue with it, although it will take me some time to go through it all. I just wanted to add my two cents, hope it helps.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm not even American so I was afraid some things might slip through - I tried to research the areas of the tale as thoroughly as possible. Mainly because I liked the idea of a post-apocalyptic zoo, and develop the idea of trade routes to Ronto, I kinda handwaved the route with the exposition and trader's dialogue here:
"...There was no point in endangering lives exploring the detritus of the Pittsburgh hinterland. She had watched the free slaves clear away the rubble of Fifth Avenue to encourage trade with Ronto and the Erie Stretch...

Word to the wise. Lotta Trogs in that dip," he mumbled, lazily gesturing in the direction of the railway, where the track carved a valley. "They like the shadows. When you leave, circle round. No way to get through 'em."
In The Pitt I always got the impression that the rest of the city outside Uptown/Downtown was crawling with radiation and Trogs, hence the ending where you cut the lights - not to mention all the rubble and ruins. Twenty years on, I figured that traders would have carved a small safe path to other settlements in the area, the route Marie took (and why she had a merchant as a guide). I can see why you'd say Marie (and Nola) sound too educated for wasteland mongrels, but as you'll no doubt know, Haven was the Cathedral of Learning, in the University of Pittsburgh. The process of extracting the cure I also imagined would necessitate the slaves educating themselves, hence the reclaiming and reconstruction of Uptown/the rest of the University.


Ha, thanks very much. Glad you're reading, your feedback is very useful.

Marie didn't cross the Highland Park Bridge; her trader guide Finch did, in order to travel north to the Erie Stretch and Ronto. Marie travels north to Highland Park (next to the zoo), says bye to her guide then heads south-east to Monroeville:
"...you can peel off to the Highland Park, then southeast to Monroeville while I take the bridge. I hope you know how to use that gun of yours."
"The pair bounded breathlessly through uphill ruins, to the wilderness of the old Highland Park. ... The Park itself was nothing more than clumps of brown grass and skeletons of tree trunks, a lightly trodden path through the mud guiding their way.

"This is where you and I part, kid," uttered Finch, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Keep heading to the southeast, you'll hit Monroeville. Full of Trogs, from what I hear. But I'm sure you'll do fine.""

Sorry if this wasn't more clear - I did study the local map of Pittsburgh extensively to make a realistic journey for Marie, although this was hard after playing The Pitt itself, which like D.C. suffers from inaccuracies (Haven for example being miles away from the bridge, when in game it's a short walk).


Oh, don't worry, I appreciate your criticism. The past, present and future as we know them aren't really applicable in Fallout, what with the '50s culture and Divergence. I tried to base Marie's speech and character on the fact that she'd have the most sheltered upbringing in an ex-slave town. If The Pitt was still a raider town, you'd be exactly right - although in this continuity the Lone Wanderer shot them all. Compare the way the Pitt Slaves talk to you (a mix of deference, fear and despair), or the members of the Temple of the Union or Mei Wong, a more apt comparison as they are ex-slaves. I based Marie's personality on a combination of these factors; sheltered and protected (although in a twisted sort of way), run by ex-slaves, a matriarchy, based in the ruins of a university (see how the Rivet City science team talk, and they only had the science bay of an aircraft carrier to influence them).

believe me wen i say this, your story is pretty damn good, but do you really think you deserve that much praise?

I'm saying this from a certain perspective, my perspective. Allow me to elaborate. I haven't read any of your TES stories, and i also have written my own chapters of a caliber very close to this, but I've never gotten this much adulation. In addition, I see errors and hokes that I would point out to u, but your fanbase is so intimidating I would feel like an [censored]. Either way, I'm just emptying my mind. I will keep reading regardless, though and as I said, good job.

I haven't slept in the past thirty hours, so I don't know if I'm one to argue anything at the moment, but...


I believe it deserves the praise it has gotten, just for the sheer dedication she has to keep the story going for six months. I would also like to note that your more likely to get praise from people, the longer the story is kept going. Also note that this forum has highs and lows, sometimes a lot people come on, sometimes few people come on. I would also like to note that nineteen posts, that feature just praise alone, come from one user.


That may be very well true, Ant. But once again, she has been writing this for six months, it has taken quite a bit of time to get where she is now. Also note that even though that there is relatively few people coming on, you still are receiving a fair amount of praise. And are on your third page. In only a single month.



Her fanbase may seem intimidating, it really isn't that daunting. And you be doing a huge disservice to her fans and her if you didn't point out her mistakes, so that she could correct them and help her future writing. So please...Share.


That's good, it's always nice to empty the mind. Keeps you healthy...and sane. This story is good if not great, we can agree on that, and has been going on for six months. So the question is why she shouldn't receive praise?

Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect and right now I'm finding it damn hard to read, because of the dialogue, but I believe it does deserve the praise it has received, in spite of errors. And could you help by pointing those errors out?

Anyway, thought I give my two cents. And Lorca, you would be doing an immense favor if you would please space the dialogue out in the begging chapters. I know it would be a hassle, but it would help(and maybe future readers) so much. Now it's time to get the sleep I desperately need...

*shrug* Seems a trifling thing to complain about, that someone get's more praise than you. Lorca's got several things going for (her?) that get people's attention and get (her?) praise. First is reputation. Lorca's proven his/her creative ability, especially at world-building. Lorca's username showing up as the OP was what got me to check this fan-fic out. Secondly, the fan-fic has been going on for a while, so a lot of people have noticed over time. Third, Lorca is great at world-building, and he/she connects things from numerous sources, ranging from throw-away lines in Point lookout's dialogue to quest content and notes with her own creativity to produce a fun setting to read about. When it comes to fan-fiction, someone being able to make the world their own is a rare trait. Fourth, it's genuinely good fan-fiction.

If you see errors (in grammar, spelling, awkward phrasing, contradictions to canon or just boring bits - all of which I'm sure are present in abundance), please point them out as it's the only way I'll improve the story.

As for having a fanbase or being 'deserving' of praise, I don't really think of it like that, I just write what comes to mind in terms of plot, character and setting. If people like it then I've succeeded in doing a believable job in all three, if not then I've failed and need to know why so I can rectify it for the future.

For example, Spittoonist's criticism was very useful as I think I know where I've gone wrong; I describe the crossing of a bridge (one next to Washington Blvd, if that means anything or makes sense to a Pitt native), but someone with better knowledge read this as Highland Park Bridge - the lesson; be more clear.

Actually while I'm at it I'll space out the dialogue a bit more in all chapters, to make it easier to read, thanks Yttrium.

I would like to clarify that my point was to actually be less specific in your writing when writing about a place you know nothing about. The reason I was confused by the Highland Park reference is that you were unaware of the bridge (there are many bridges in Pgh. FUN FACT: Did you know that Pittsburgh is called the City of Bridges?) that exists there. (you also really really need to edit. That would also clear up confusion.)

I agree that this story needs more criticism. If you want to be a better writer, good constructive criticism is your best friend. If you learn to accept it, it can help you tell a better story and make it easier for you readers to enjoy the story you are trying to tell.

No, I wasn't unaware of it...I reference it directly in dialogue. And yes, I did know that, it's in the first sentence of the story. Not to sound too defensive, but I've covered these things already.

My apologies, I'd forgotten you mentioned it. But you still need to edit. Edit. edit edit edit...

Yes, this is very true - it's a consequence of trying to get as much out in as little time as possible, this one has been going since January (!), so I'm trying to make up for lost time. Where I can I'll try to un-nonsense the parts that need it (just been back through to make the lengthy conversations a bit easier to read), but I also rely on my faithful (hehe) audience to point out every now and again.

to write a good story doesn't take good grammar. grammar can be corrected. read some literature and then write some more and maybe then you'll have some fans. and stop making a fool of yourself by writing this stuff.