This is the first time I've done a FanFic for Fallout, so don't be too critisizing. I will start in the next post. I'll use this post for any edits or crap like that.

The prologue takes place in 2271, six years before the Lone Wanderer left Vault 101. The continuing story takes place in the same time as Fallout 3 does. Ridgefield is now called Minefield, and it's also been taken over by an old sniper named Arkansas. Both of those event occur a few months AFTER the main character leaves home. Beyond the prologue, the main character is nineteen and becomes a Raider to be like his parents.

Usually the first post has the Prologue or Chapter 1. Just for future reference.

I've been making the Prologue but it won't let me post it.. What the hell is up with it?

Sometimes when you type something for awhile and then try to post it, it'll not register it for some reason. So what you wanna do it copy your post, go bac to the main page of your thread clic "add reply" again and repost it.

Either that or type it up in a word program and then copy/paste it to the forum. Taking too long over a post will give you the "authorisation mismatch" error.

-Prologue-

Matt was a thirteen year old kid whose parents were washed up drunken Raiders. He lived in Ridgefield, Maryland in a blasted out pre-war house. There were about six other houses, only one other than his occupied. The house a few yards northeast of his was his friend's house, Fredrick Gillian. They hung out all day most of the time and both their parents were old Raiders, and their parents payed no attention to them. Due to that, they had nothing to do all day, so they would explore the old housing.

Matt's family never had much to eat, rather stale pre-war food and radiated water. Matt sometimes found his own food, when he would go exploring. His dad equipped him with a 10mm to be safe, so Matt would kill a mole rat or find food in the dirt. His parents were barely ever home and they normally went killing and looting. Matt was dressed like his parents and had his hair like his parents. He always wanted to carry on the family tradition when he got older. He would be like his dad, and he would do everything like his dad.

Matt sat on his couch, fiddling around with the radio trying to get a signal. It picked up random signals all the time, like distress calls or whatever the radio could pick up. Enclave Radio came into signal alot, but Matt wasn't fond of it, the radio station played the same thing over and over. Matt prefered listening to GNR. He hated the DJ, and he only liked the station for its music. His dad never liked Matt listening to GNR, but he didn't know why. He didn't know what GNR stood for, and he decided he hated the station because of what it meant or something. Once again, a signal came in. 'Hello America, this is your president, John Henry Eden..' Matt searched for another signal. A few signals came in but they weren't anything good. It was morse code, and the other sounded like someone breathing heavily into the mic. Matt decided to let it go and turned it off.

He went upstairs and sat on his bed. He stared around at his room. There was a 'Captain Cosmos' poster and a pro-Army poster. His family moved in when he was six, and they found the house in the condition it was currently in. Matt got up and picked up his BB gun from under his bed. He walked to his parents' room. "Hey dad, where are those bottles you tossed out this morning?" Matt called out. His dad looked up from whatever he was writing down at his desk. "Hell if I know, maybe they're outside, where I left them." His dad replied. Matt sighed and trotted downstairs. He opened up his front door. On the side of the house were four empty beer bottles. He walked to them and picked them up. He closed his front door and walked around in the warm evening.

He saw some cinderblocks. He kneeled over and set down the bottles and his BB gun. He stacked up the cinderblocks and put the bottles on top. He grabbed up his BB gun and walked back a few meters. He laid on the ground and aimed at the bottles. He pulled the trigger and a POP came from the BB gun as it shot out a BB. It shot at one of the bottles, and the bottle shattered. He shot off the rest of the bottles. Fredrick came over from his house. "Hey Matt. What are you doing?" He asked. "Shooting these bottles. I'm all out, do you have any?" Matt said. "Erm, I don't think so. Do you wanna go find something to kill?" Fredrick asked. "Sure, go get your gun and I'll go get mine." Matt replied. Fredrick nodded and jogged back to his house. Matt went back to his and walked up his stairs. He went in his room and pulled his pistol from his desk drawer. He grabbed a few clips and loaded the gun. He went back outside and met up with Fredrick.

Seems pretty good so far. I'd recommend breaking the text down into smaller paragraphs so it's easier to read.

And uh, well what the guy below me said. I'm bein' kinda nice but that kind of criticism will improve your writing.

I stopped reading it. because of, well this.

SEPERATE THE PARAGRAPHS! I hate giant blocks of text, and also, I have some suggestions.




They hung out all day, but only most of the time? What?. It should be:

They hung out together all day, with their parents paying no attention.



It should be:

He was going to carry out the old family tradition, to be a raider



And the conition was?

It should be:

His family moved to the old house when he was six, even now it was still the same condition it was.




It should be:

When he was searching, he found some cinderblocks, and knelt over, dropped his BB gun, and put the bottles on top of the block

Finally:



It should be:

Pulling the trigger, a pop came from the rifle as it shot out the copper bullet.

You get what I mean right? Right...

So in the end: You should update you're vocabulary, and space of paragraphs

-Chapter one-
-Initiation-

Matt was turning nineteen today. His parents were planning something special. This was the only special birthday he ever had, but it was special because he was leaving in a week or two. Fredrick and his parents were going to be at the birthday 'party'. Fredrick was already nineteen, his birthday was the previous month. He didn't leave yet because he was going to hang around with Matt once he was able to leave. Matt was hunting with Fredrick. Matt had a rifle and Fredrick carried a sawed-off shotgun. They were stealthily stalking animals that could be a food source, such as a mole rat or something. They spotted a brahmin about twelve yards away.

Matt cocked his rifle and squatted down to prevent being spotted. He was trying to kill it without alerting it. If it knew Matt and Fredrick were there, it would run away. He looked over his gun, and got a clear shot at the brahmin's head. He turned off safety and put his finger on the trigger. He waited a few seconds. He pulled the trigger, and as the loud shot escaped the gun into the atmostphere, the bullet had drilled through both of the brahmin's heads. It grunted then fell over, dead. Matt lowered his gun and turned on the safety. He and Fredrick walked to the brahmin's body. Fredrick had cut off some of the meat with his knife. They mostly ripped off the parts like the ribs and anything that seemed edible.

Matt grabbed a few pieces Fredrick had cut out, and Fredrick took the remaining. "This'll last us, so I guess we're done?" Matt said. "Yeah, pretty much." Fredrick replied. They ran back to Ridgefield and hung around Matt's house until Matt's parents decided they would do the 'party'. They ate some of the brahmin meat Fredrick and Matt had caught and ate other food. Everyone drank alchohol and they did the party for a couple more hours. Afterwards, Fredrick and his parents left. Nightfall was coming and Matt's parents decided they'd give him some things before they left that night.
His dad walked towards him and handed him a shotgun. "I'm sure you'll need this more than I do." He gave him a 10mm in good condition. He also gave him what he said was called a ripper.

Matt thanked his dad, and his parents left. They went on another trip to kill things and steal. Typical. Matt went upstairs and went to sleep. The following morning he found a note on the front door from his dad.

Son, I know you were supposed to leave in a few weeks, but I think you're ready to go on your own.
I know some guys that will make you into a Raider, I've already told them about you and your friend. You must go southwest, to a place called Evergreen Mills. It's some old Raider hideout, but how you get there isn't my problem. Good luck, son.
Before you leave, I left you some bullets and a few other things that could help you on your way there.
Goodbye.

-Dad

Matt read it a few more times. He looked around for the things his dad said he left. They were on the coffee table. There were some .32 caliber rounds and shotgun shells, and seven stimpaks. He went back upstairs and looked for something to carry his things. He found a sack under his bed. He put his guns in and the ammo, and left the house. He went to Fredrick's house and opened the front door. He yelled for Fredrick to come. He came down the stairs and to the front door. "Hey, what are you doing here?" Fredrick asked. "We're ready to leave, according to my dad. Get your crap, we're going."

Yeah, alright. I'll try to do better in the near future, but some people that have read my other fanfics for other crap didn't really care about that kinda stuff. But alright, if it really matters. And what I meant by "They hung out all day most of the time" was sometimes they would hang out all day, not everyday but sometimes. The way you re-did some of the stuff has a different meaning than what I wanted it to be.

Matt and Fredrick made it to Evergreen Mills, after getting directions from a bunch of different wastelanders on their way there. Some people thought Matt and Fredrick were insane to go there. Matt and Fredrick were in a trainyard outside of Evergreen Mills. There were guards outside. They didn't know who Matt or Fredrick were, so they almost shot on sight. They were forgiving enough to ask who they were. "Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?" One of the Raiders yelled out. "Uhm, I'm Matt.. We were told to come here. Someone here is supposed to turn me into a Raider or something?" Matt said. The Raider put his gun down. "Fine, come in. But if you start any trouble, we'll be using your body for target practice." Matt and Fredrick walked through the trainyard. The trains were rusty. The scenery of the place wasn't decent at all. The Raiders kept their eyes on Matt and Fredrick.

They got out of the trainyard and appeared in a large canyon, dotted with buildings and shacks. Matt and Fredrick aimlessly wandered around. Fredrick sighed. "That piece of paper your dad left.. Does it say who we were supposed to meet?" "Erm, no, it doesn't. Maybe we should ask the locals." Matt suggested. Matt spotted a Raider coming their way out of a large factory-like building. He stopped her before she could walk past them. "Excuse me, I'm new here. Could you tell me where the recruiter is?" Matt said. He was looking like a complete outsider. She svcked on her cigarette before talking. "Recruiter? Are you serious? Talk to Geoff. He'll 'recruit' you." She blew smoke into Matt's face and walked off, laughing. "Erm.. I guess we're looking for someone named Geoff. Should we ask where to find him?" Matt asked. Fredrick seemed frightened by the place. "Uhh, sure. Maybe we need to be careful around here."

There was a small party of Raiders in a wrecked shack. There were, basically, no walls, explaining how Matt saw them. They were smoking and drinking hard liquor. Matt decided to continue on, but Fredrick held him back. "Matt, I don't know about these guys, they seem like they're gonna cause trouble." Matt grunted. "Stop being such a girl. I mean, we're just asking one little question." Matt continued to the Raiders. "Hello, guys. Do any of you know where Geoff is?" One of the Raiders spoke up. "No, but I know he hates pansie kids like you." "Excuse me? I just want to know where he is." Matt said. They knew he was frightened by them. "Whatever, kid. You're lucky you got in here without getting shot. If you really give a crap, he's inside there." The Raider pointed at a large building. It was the one that female Raider came out of. "Um, thanks..." Matt said in sort of a whisper. He turned back to Fredrick. They slowly walked to the building. They were being treated badly.

Inside the building, there were little lights. It was dark and cold. There weren't many Raiders. Matt and Fredrick walked around a little, and noticed one Raider just sitting on a chair and sipping on a half-filled bottle of whiskey. They decided to step over and see if he knew where Geoff was."Hey, uhh, these other guys have been jerks, and we just really need to know where a guy named Geoff is." The man finished his whiskey and responded. "Well, you're looking at him. What do you want?" "Well, my dad told me to see you for, um, making me into a Raider?" Matt said. "So, you're his kid.. And this is your friend, isn't he?" "Yes, so what do I need to do?" The Raider stood up. "Well, first of all, you're going to follow me. Second, drop your sh!t here." Matt slowly dropped his bag, with Fredrick doing the same. Geoff started walking outside. Matt and Fredrick followed. It was dark outside. Geoff called six other Raiders over. They all went to a secluded area. They pushed Matt and Fredrick onto the dirt and circled them. They all carried baseball bats, or brass knuckles."Wh..What are you doing?" Fredrick asked with a quiver in his voice. Geoff hit the baseball bat on his hand a little. "Initiation." As soon as Geoff said that, everyone started smacking Matt and Fredrick around like toys. Matt tried to stand up, but one of the Raiders hit him in the eye with a baseball bat. He fell back down, only to be smacked around some more, and hit in the head with fists and bats. They kicked Fredrick in the ribs a few times, then swung bats down on his head. Matt's temples were throbbing, and he couldn't see in his left eye.

It was blurry as Matt was getting smashed in the gut and ribs constantly. He was bleeding from his nose and he was badly bruised. Matt couldn't feel his left eye. He felt his left eye to see if it was still there. It was, but it was bleeding. It felt like everything was bleeding. All he could hear were the THWACKs of him being hit and the Raiders telling him to take the pain or some nonsense. Minutes later, the continuous pounding suddenly stopped. He could barely hear anything. Someone spat on the ground next to him. He was kicked in the ribs once more, then he heard the Raiders walk off. He lay there beside Fredrick in a bloody mess. Matt coughed out blood and tried getting up. Before he could get on his knees, a sharp pain stabbed him in his stomache area. He screamed and dropped back onto the dirt. Matt felt pain everywhere. He closed his eyes and passed out.

Matt could hear distant voices. "Do you think he's dead?" "God, there's blood everywhere." "That's gross." Matt slowly opened up his eye. His left eye was swollen and wouldn't open. He saw some Raiders above him. They were poking at Matt and Fredrick with sticks. "Holy crap, he's awake!" One called out. "Hey, man. You okay?" The people above him were blurry. He couldn't really see at all. He closed his eyes again. "Let's take him back to the shack." One of the Raiders said. "I'm surprised the other one's alive, he's got it worse." Matt felt the Raiders hoist him up, and then they started moving. There was the sound of metal clanking, and it got warmer. Then he was set down on something soft. "Let's leave him here. We got stuff to do."

Matt fell asleep, but woke up sometime later. He looked around the room he was in. He was on a bed. The place he was in was a metal shack. He looked left to right, and saw Fredrick on another bed. Fredrick looked alot worse than Matt felt. Fredrick's left arm was twisted in another direction, clearly broken. He had gashes all over his face, and he was bloody all over. The front door to the shack opened up. One of the Raiders from earlier walked in. It was a female and had a short mohawk. Her hair was a shade of green. She noticed Matt was awake. She got a bottle of water and tossed it to Matt. "You alright?" Matt drank the water a little and responded. "Not really.. What happened..?" "Looks like you went through initiation. They kicked your ass. You and your friend will hang around here until you get better." The Raider said.

-Chapter two-
-Raiding-

It was three months after Matt's initiation. He had just healed up along with Fredrick. This was the current day Matt and Fredrick were ready to walk again. Fredrick's arm was broken and had been snapped backwards, so one of the Raiders with medical experience decided to pop it back in place. Matt found his bag of supplies next to the bed he was at. He looked inside. To Matt's surprise, his things hadn't been stolen. He slowly walked around to get the feel of it. Once he decided he was ready to go, he headed out. Before exiting, he looked in a mirror next to the door. His hair had grown out. He would need to cut it eventually. He looked back outside and stepped out. Closing the door behind him, he felt a wave of warm air blow across his face.

He couldn't figure out where he would leave his stuff. One Raider told him to go underneath the large building and that there was some empty rooms there. Matt walked in the building, the same one where he found Geoff. There was a manhole in the main area. He climbed down into a large cave. He stepped through the dark tunnels. Water leaked from the ceiling. Matt came to an opening into a larger cave. The Raiders had set up a bar. There were some stairs ahead. Matt decided that was where the rooms were. He walked past the bar and into the room with stairs. When he reached the rooms, he couldn't find any of them unoccupied. He listened on most of the doors to see if anyone was inside. The third door was silent. He grabbed the knob and turned. It didn't open. He turned and pushed. It wouldn't open. He stepped back and kicked the door in. The knob was lodged in with the lock, and the rest of the door bursted through without it. Bits of wood fell from where the knob was. There was nobody in the room, whoever left it locked the door when they left. There were shelves and a bed, with a dresser in the corner. Matt walked in and tossed his bag on the bed.

Matt went back to the bar he had saw, and spotted Fredrick. He was sitting at the counter with a large bottle of scotch. Matt met up with him. "Um, hey Fredrick." When Fredrick looked up from his alchohol, Matt saw scars all over Fredrick's face. "Yeah? Oh, it's you." "Yeah. What's up?" Said Matt. "Nothing, really. I've been sitting here all day drinking. Nobody around here seems to friendly to newcomers." Fredrick said in a deep voice. Matt called the bartender over. "Yeah? What the hell do you want?" "A beer." Matt said. "Fine. Two caps." Matt slapped two caps on the table and pushed it to the bartender. He came back with a beer and slammed it on the table. He walked away without even looking at Matt. "Can you believe we're siding with these pricks?" Matt whispered. "I don't know.. They beat us up and they still treat us like dirt." Said Fredrick.

Matt and Fredrick finished their drinks and went back outside. They decided they were going to go raid some caravans, or something fun. Matt brought his Ripper, 10mm, and shotgun. Fredrick brought a combat knife, .32 pistol, and an assault rifle. They walked around a bit to see if anyone wanted to come. Alot of Raiders told them to [censored] off. Two Raiders aggreed. Matt, Fredrick and the other two Raiders walked out of Evergreen Mills. They got out of the trainyard, then headed east.

Matt looked at the other two Raiders as they walked through the Wasteland. One was a female. Her hair was pink and she had it in pigtails. She smoked alot. The other was a guy who wore a mask. It covered his face up completely and was make of brahmin skin. He was built, and pretty muscular, and it seemed his hobby was cleaning the bullet chamber and the barrel of his gun. Niether really talked, but they'd still respond to a question. "So.. where are you guys from..?" Matt asked. The female raider decided to be the first answerer. "Rivet City. They kicked me out because I stole stuff alot, and I killed some guy. Over there the guards say if someone shoots you, shoot back. I shot back, and they kicked me out. How were they not expecting me to put a bullet in that guy's forehead? The ass shot me." Matt looked at the other Raider. He was wiping down his gun, and had no idea Matt had talked in the first place. "Uhh... Sir... Person... Mister..." Matt waved his hand around near the guy's face. "Hey, what the hell, kid.. What? Oh, yeah, I'm from Megaton, do you want my life story?"

"Well.. Sorry, didn't mean to bother you." It was silence after that. Matt stared into the blank pale sky. The sun was blinded by clouds. A red beam passed Matt's vision. "Holy [censored], hit the deck!" The male Raider called. The female Raider's cigarette fell out her mouth as she dropped th the ground along with everyone else. They took cover behind a rock. The male Raider set down his gun and pulled a frag from his belt. "DIE!" He yelled as he unpinned it and tossed it. A few seconds later, there was a loud BOOM, followed by screams. "What happened?!" Matt yelled. "It's the Brotherhood!" The man called back. The female Raider stood up over the large rock and aimed at the paladins with a Chinese assault rifle. Loud gunshots came from the gun. The bullet casings flew out from the gun next to Matt. The female Raider shot until she reloaded, only to go guns blazing again. Matt unholstered his 10mm. It was his only long range weapon. He aimed at one of the Paladins, but hesitated when the laser rifle shot at the female Raider's head. The laser melted past her skin and bone, then fried her brain causing her head to explode. Bits of skull and brain flung in all directions, some getting on Matt. He looked at her body.

Blood spewed from her open neck. Matt dropped back to the ground. "Dammit! They killed her! Are any of them dead?!" The other Raider called over the gunshots. Matt shook his head with his mouth opened and eyes peeled. The Raider crawled over to Matt to prevent being shot. "You need to toughen up! You'll start seeing stuff like this every day! Just shoot!" Matt squeezed his eyes closed for a few seconds, then nodded his head. He stood up and aimed at one of the paladins again with his 10mm. He pulled the trigger several times with the satisfying gunshot sounds repeating. The bullets penetrated the hemet's eye visors, and directly went to the paladin's head. Blood came from his face and he fell over dead. Two more guys left. The paladins were focused on that one area. Matt manage to sneak behind nearby rocks without being spotted, on his way behind the two paladins. He crawled to the final rock he could hide behind, in a diagonal direction from the paladins' aiming zone.

He jumped up and ran directly behind them. They still couldn't figure out he was there. He pulled his Ripper from another holster and turned it on. He swung at the first paladin's head. It sawed right through the helmet. There were extremely loud sounds of metal grinding metal, as well as metal grinding bone. The paladin screamed as his head was being ripped apart. Matt finally sawed through the head. The top half of his head slid off as the body fell. The second paladin noticed Matt. He pointed his gun at Matt. Before being able to shoot, Fredrick and the other Raider continuously shot at the paladin's back. The bullets made a -pitter patter- sound as they tapped through and on his armor. He was twitching back and forth as the bullets dug in, and the shots stopped. He finally died. He fell on his stomache, and Matt saw all the holes on the paladin's back. Fredrick and the Raider stood up. The Raider laughed. "Haha, nice work. Loot the corpses with us, will you? We're heading back to Evergreen Mills."

Back at Evergreen Mills, Matt, Fredrick, and the Raider split the finds. They didn't take the armor because they were completely damaged. They split the caps, ammo, and weapon parts. After that, they split up. Matt went back to his room and sat at the table. He put his gun and the gun parts on the table and started working. He was trying to repair his shotgun with the parts of a laser rifle, assault rifle, and laser pistol. A few parts would fit in and serve as replacements, but since the energy-typed weapons were completely different technology, most parts were tossed out. The assault rifle had similar parts. It barely was different than the shotgun, it just had some parts to make it automatic, and it was lighter with less parts. He finished repairing his shotgun, and it was in a better shape than before. It was still an old pump shotgun, though. It didn't jam as much now, and he didn't need to clean it as much. The parts from the laser weapons made the shotgun more advanced.

Feedback plox

Summary in one word...
Decent.

Good enough for me.

While tinkering with his guns, Fredrick walked in. "Hey, what are you doing?" He asked. "Fixing some things, why?" Matt curiously asked. "Seems we have another problem." Fredrick said. "Again? What do we have this time?" Matt asked, finishing up on his guns. "Well, I'm kind of the only one who's spotted them so far, but there's an Enclave camp off the trainyard. It's completely out of sight, and I noticed it while walking around." Fredrick explained. Matt grabbed spare parts from the energy weapons. He tossed them in a nearby trash can. He strapped his shotgun over his back while sliding his pistol into the holster. "You wanna go do this just me and you? We won't really have to split too much of the stuff." Matt suggested. "I dunno.. It seems a little risky, but okay." Fredrick agreed.

Matt and Fredrick lay in the dirt, stalking the Enclave camp. There were three infantry, and one officer. "Alright... Get the guy next to the desk. He's an easy target." Matt commanded. "Yes sir." Fredrick joked. Fredrick was using his custom rifle. It was like any other rifle, except it had a grip and he had attached a scope from a .44 on it. Seconds passed. Matt watched the Enclave troop sit at the desk typing in things on the terminal. Fredrick pulled the trigger to his rifle. In only a moment later, a quarter of the Enclave troop's head was blown clean off. His body jolted forward onto the terminal. The officer immediately noticed the dead soldier. She scanned the area, but it was nighttime making it almost impossible to see Matt and Fredrick under some bushes.

"I know you're out there!" she yelled. Before any last words, Fredrick shot her through the eye. Her hat flew off. The remaining two troops seemed inexperienced. "Let me get these guys, alright? You just stay here and cover me." Matt crouched and scurried to the camp. He unstrapped his shotgun and cocked it. He was in the camp now, hidden behind a trailer. "What the hell is in this thing..?" Matt whispered to himself. There were some cracks in the Enclave trailer. He looked left and right to see if anyone was there, then peered through. It was hard to see at first. He heard heavy breathing, then he saw the horror inside. A deathclaw. "Oh [censored].." Matt stepped back right into an Enclave soldier. "Aaaaaah!!!" He yelled while randomly shooting in front of him. He shot out the Enclave soldier's leg. He was on the ground begging to be spared. Matt hesitated when he heard the second soldier doing something with the trailer. The soldier had taken the key from the dead officer's body. The key was to open the trailer. After a hearable, but distant 'click', the trailer doors were swung open. The deathclaw sniffed the air, and crawled its way out. Matt watched the deathclaw charge towards him.

Matt realized there was a mind control device on the deathclaw, and which was the reason it hadn't attacked the Enclave troops yet. Thinkingly enough, Matt raised his shotgun and shot the mind control device from the charging deathclaw. There was a small explosion of the device, and temporarily blinded the deathclaw. Matt didn't waste one second of this and ran farther away from the deathclaw. He had to wait until the two Enclave troops were dead until he could kill the deathclaw. The deathclaw re-opened its eyes and spotted the Enclave soldier on the ground that Matt had broken his leg. "Oh no.. No no no.. Please.. Help me!!" The soldier yelled as he rapidly crawled away with the strength of his hands and arms. The deathclaw slowly neared the Enclave soldier, then grabbed him by the torso.

"NO!! HELP ME!! HELP!!!" He cried as his Enclave brethren sat and watched. The deathclaw ripped the soldier's helmet off violently. The enclave soldier was screaming at his highest, but ceased when the deathclaw bit his head off. The deathclaw sat and chewed on the corpse until the other Enclave soldier started firing lasers at it. The deathclaw turned around and charged the Enclave soldier. It swung its arm across sending the laser rifle in another direction. The deathclaw grabbed the soldier by the legs and dragged him off, as well as the dead soldier. The deathclaw was leaving the camp to god knew where, to finish his meal. While being slowly dragged away, the Enclave soldier begged for mercy to Matt. Matt just stared and watched the soldier try to get out of the deathclaw's grip and continuously failed. His screams disappeared into the night with the deathclaw.

Matt looted the Enclave officer's body, and the troop's body. The other two were dragged off. Fredrick cautiously walked to the camp. "My god.. did.. did you see that?!" Fredrick said in fear. "Hurry up, I'm not planning on being a deathclaw's humanburger." "I know, I know. Just give me a sec. Here, there were twenty caps in total, you take ten." Matt said as he tossed Fredrick the caps in a small bag. "Just grab everything, we'll split the stuff back at Evergreen Mills. That deathclaw might be back any minute." Fredrick told. "Stop overreacting. It's probably feasting on those two guys in a cave for the night. Alright, I got everything, let's go."

Little observations, take them or leave them.

Stalking suggests following someone so I suggest saying "staking out the Enclave camp" giving more of an idea of watching it.

"slowly scurried" don't go together - scurried infers fast movement.

"The soldier had tooken the key from the dead officer's body." No such word as "tooken" it should be "taken a key"

"After a hearable, but distant 'click', the trailer doors were swung open." Make it "After he heard a distant click,..."

"Matt raised his shotgun and shot the mind control device from the charging deathclaw. There was a small explosion of the device, and temporarily blinded the deathclaw." maybe
sounds better as "Matt raised his shotgun and fired at the mind control device. It exploded temporarily blinding the deathclaw."

Crap, I knew there was something wrong with that scurry part :facepalm: Thanks, though.. I didn't see that part.

Matt continued another round of fiddling with his guns. Being a Raider wasn't all he thought it would be. As a child he imagined that it would be like being an explorer and wasting evil doers of the Capital Wasteland. Of course, he was extremely wrong. Instead of killing the bad guys, he was now one of them. And sure, they explored, but when they found civilization, they attacked on site and stole everything. Not the exploring Matt hoped for.

Most people who were Raiders turned out to be complete jerks who were completely unhealthy. All they'd do was drink alchohol, smoke, kill, sleep, then repeat over and over day by day. Surprisingly, people rarely died because of that. The main causes of death in Evergreen Mills were going out to far, then getting shot through the skull by some punkass Super Mutant.

Super Mutants. Matt didn't learn much during his time in Evergreen Mills, but one thing he knew for sure was Raiders hated Super Mutants, and Super Mutants hated Raiders. Super Mutants attacked Evergreen Mills almost on a daily basis. Fortunately enough for the Raiders, the Super Mutants were smart enough not to send the stronger ones, rather the weaker minded ones, as well as just the weak ones. Which would usually be the people who were recently turned Super Mutant. Basically, the rule around Evergreen Mills was, keep your distance, and don't ask too many questions.

Matt couldn't concentrate on his work. The people in the room next door made noise, and a hell of it too. Loud laughs, shouts, sounds of people puking, it all came from there. Matt would tell them to keep it down, but they'd probably kick him in the groin just for looking at them. Matt got an idea. He would fire his pistol through the wall, and that'd give them a warning to be quiet. Matt slided a clip into the pistol, then cocked it.

He decided it would be more dangerous to shoot at the wall itself, so he cut out a big enough hole for the bullet to pass through. He shoved the end of the barrel in the hole. He squeezed on the trigger. The bullet penetrated the next part of the wall, and entered the next room. Of all times, of all places, the worst possible had happened. Matt happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The bullet made itself nicely into a Raider's head.

That wasn't the bad part. The bad part was if they knew Matt had done it, they would rip his intestines out and watch him die, probably while pouring whiskey on the open stomache. The idea was sickening, but it had been done before. Matt saw it just in front of the trainyard. One of the Raiders caught a Wastelander sneaking around, and they ripped his stomache out, while watching him try to pull his intestines back in, they poured alchohol all over him. The Wastelander's screams could've been heard from miles around.

The poor guy slowly died in excruciating pain. That's what Raiders called 'fun'. They torture innocent Wastelanders for no reason at all, just because they think its hysterical. These were the kind of people who had no parents and grew up on their own, killing any and all in their way if possible. These were the people that tortured animals in their youth and now are murderers. These were the people who didn't care about anything or anyone but themselves.

They sort of, in a bad way, deserved to die.

Hmmm.... I think the character is a bit to 'uber' as some might called it as far as I have read, because of the whole killing of professional soldiers such as enclave and BoS. And also I don't have that sense of care for the character, like, I don't care is he dies like I would for some of the other fan fics, maybe thats just because hes a raider though, I'm not sure.

Other than that it's pretty readably interesting.

I didn't really find him uber, because throughout FO3 you find Enclave camps overrun by Raiders and stuff, so I just used that with realistic things. Such as when he killed the BoS paladins, it wouldn't take much skill to do what he did. Nobody can take a chainsaw to the head, especially after driving it to the other end. I'm basing this stuff more off of it being realistic rather than the soldiers' skills in-game.

My opinion wil lbe voiced through a Smiley

:cookie:

I couldn't understand it. :confused:

:thumbsup:

There we go