Please tell me what you think on my story. I may or may not be good at this. Please tell me your true thoughts on this.

Part 1:

I woke up to the scorching sun beating down on my face. Where was I, or better yet who was I? I didn't know. I had no
recollection of anything. I had nothing but a tattered outfit. My head was throbbing and there was a bruise on my
forehead. I was tired and dying of thirst. Whoever I was, it didn't matter. That is a rule I learned about the wasteland. It
doesn't matter who you are. All that matters is survival. I wandered through the wastes until I found a puddle of water. I was overjoyed as I ran towards the puddle.

When I reached the puddle, I crept down and started drinking. The taste was putrid, but I was thirsty and I had to drink. I forced down that swill, much to my disdain. I was just taking my last sips when I was interrupted. 2 men armed with assault rifles and leather armor told me to get up, at gunpoint. I rose to my feet, and a collar was placed around my neck against my will. Reluctantly I followed the men at their command. I asked who they were. They replied that it didn't matter who they were and they said it didn't matter who I was. Ironic as I didn't know who I was anyway.

I pleaded with them to at least tell me what was happening. They told me that they enslaved me and were taking me to a place called Paradise Falls. I felt like collapsing and started to fall to the ground after hours of walking. The slavers forced me back up to my feet and pushed me along. They ate dinner that night, without giving me food. They sat there, taunting me, waving food in my face. I felt helpless, lost, and confused. Later in the morning I stumbled into paradise falls along with the slavers. I noticed a giant statue of a boy and saw what were called buildings.

As I entered the settlement, I was forced into a slave pen. The slavers told me not to run away, or my head would explode. They laughed maliciously as they said it. I was in the pens with other slaves. they all seemed beaten and to have lost hope. Then a man walked up to the gate and introduced himself as Eulogy Jones and explained what would happen to me. He laughed, and then I furiously spit in his face and told him "I'm going to kill you when I get out of here." He walked away telling the slavers to keep an eye on me.

I am not a bad person, I had a sense of obligation to help the other slaves out, but Eulogy Jones deserved to die. I contemplated my plan, and went to sleep, knowing that somehow, I would escape, I would find out who I was, and I would find out what happened to me.

damn dude. this is nice, built suspense right off the bat. and im lookin forward to finding out what happens next! nice and creative so far, and the descriptions can really put the reader in this chars place. take your time with it and this could make bethesda story writers jealous haha

Thank you.

Please tell me what you think.

Wall of text critics you for 4000, my eyes are bleeding. start learning how to use space

Is that better? What do you think of the story.

Hmm...

No, it's worse for me, sorry.

Story's good and could definitely work, whether this belongs here or Fallout Fan Fiction... Oh and change it so that the spacing has about 3-5 lines per paragraph. Two lines is really, really annoying...

There, fixed.

what do you think?

It's good man, I like it, start working on the next part and get it moved to Fallout Fan Fiction.

Okay I take it this is your first fan-fiction right? Okay good job then, although this does belong in Fallout 3 Fan-Fic section.

All right, let's get down to business. Have you heard of what 'Show and Tell' means in writing terms? Basically telling is just saying exactly what is going on, without any shades of grey; this is not what you want to use often, it's boring to read and the viewers have no need to use their imagination.

Showing, on the other hand, is giving descriptions to make the reader think about what is happening, and use their own mind and imagination to paint a picture in their head. For example, "He clenched his fist tight." That is showing, you are using subtle description to make me think, and I would think, "Oh that must mean he is angry." It is much more exciting than just, "He was mad."

It is hard to understand at first (and quite hard to explain actually) but once you do, it'll make things much more interesting and fun to read.

I hate to say it, but for the most part, you were just 'telling'. You said, "I had nothing but a wasteland settler outfit." That is much too precise, and looks much too odd to read. You should have just wrote, "The only clothes on my back were dirty, brown rags," or something similar.

Although overall the opening paragraph was very good. I would of liked to see a bit more feeling expressed by the character but nonetheless the other descriptions were good, and it was still enough to feel as if I was in his position, so a very large kudos on that note.

Okay paragraph two: This was quite a solid one, but I still saw a fair amount of telling. For example, "The taste was putrid, but I was thirsty and I had to drink." This would of been better as, "I winced at the taste of the water, but I had no choice; I had to drink." That gives off the impression that the water tastes awful, but doesn't just tell us right off the bat, although the description about being in disdain was good, and you introduced the slavers well without time skipping (I'll mention that if you ever do time skip); So good there.

However, sadly you started to 'tell' again with this sentence. "2 men armed with assault rifles and leather armour told me to get up, at gunpoint." First off; don't use '2', use 'two' instead. It's proper English, and using the number looks stupid in a story. Anyway, saying the man had leather armour is too specific. A Wastelander who is almost dying of dehydration would not realize his type of armour in such detail. I believe you should have wrote it like this, "Two gruff looking men armed with assault rifles and jet black armour approached me, forcing me to my feet with aggression, holding me at gunpoint." Once again, showing not telling. (I hope that is starting to drill now )

Paragraph three: Okay first things first; I was a little disappointed in the lack of detail when you told us about the slavers telling you where you were going. Firstly, it was showing; secondly, it should have been through dialogue; and thirdly, there was no emotion. It felt rushed too. You should have engaged with dialogue, imagine how much more interesting it would have been than just telling us? I could go on, but I believe I told you clearly enough what needed to be done; more feeling and emotion.

In fact, I think the whole paragraph was a little lacklustre. Sorry. :shrug:

Paragraph four: Okay not a big deal but 'forces' should have been 'forced'. I'm not usually too pushy on spelling and grammar, but that was right in my face, so needed to say something.

Okay so once again we have the slavers talking to you, but also once again, you don't show it to us through dialogue! To be blunt; it is boring as hell to read, "I was told not to go anywhere or my head would explode." Well we already know that anyway, so make it exciting! I won't give you loads of examples because I want it to be your work, not mine. Same with Eulogy Jones. Come on, dude! Eulogy is one of the biggest characters in the game! Head of the slavers, I can't imagine what kind of awesome interaction they could of had. You set yourself up for it, but completely missed. I'm afraid to say I was disappointed at that.

Ending paragraph: Okay this was pretty good. Obviously it didn't need much, but at the same time we got a big hint of what your character is like. It was a good way to end as well. No real complaints there.

I'll leave others for spelling and grammar, that isn't my hot spot.

Anyway for a first time that was quite impressive. It just needs those things to be a big hit. Look, it may seem like I am having a jab, but this is called 'Constructive Criticism'. I give it to you because I want you to improve (unlike others who just say one opinion and that's it, no offence to you people). So don't be disheartened. Be encouraged!

Keep up the good work, and thanks for the writing! :goodjob:

Francois Lachon is right this needs to be in the fan fiction forum. The only thing I would suggest is that part 2 and part 3 and so on and so forth if you choose to continue this story should be a bit longer. I like it when someone writes a part 1, 2, 3 etc in a story they create and it's actually close to the length of a chapter in a regular novel. Other than that I thought it was good. :thumbsup:

Excellently thorough review. It was quite descriptive. Do you believe I should edit my entry, or leave it as is and improve upon my next part?

To any mods, please move this to fallout fan fiction.

Well it is your story so it's up to you. But personally I think you should edit the intro a little just before you move it. But it's your call.

Good review Chriso, I quite liked reading it... I've sworn off writing of my own for as long as I can, so I think this review is what was needed. :tops:

Part 2:

"You! Wake up. Time to eat slave." It was lunchtime in the slave pens. I stared at the unappetizing gruel that the slavers feed the slaves. It made me want to puke. One whole week in this cesspool has passed. Everyday the meal is always gruel that is not even good enough to feed the brahmin with. The routine is always the same. The only thing keeping me sane is the pre-war book I found in the slave quarters. It's called an encyclopedia and has taught me quite a lot. "You! get over here and feed the brahmin.", said the slaver. " I would scold you for calling me 'you', but even I don't know my own name.", I replied. I added "Trust me though, you'll get what you deserve."

I have been planning my escape for the entire week, and I was determined to get out of here. I couldn't stand the place and it made me constantly grind my teeth in anger. They treat us like animals, no, worse than animals. Today was the day though. It would end today and I would escape. I needed to give myself some name for the time being for communication. My fellow slaves call me "traveler", and the slavers call me and every other slave "you". My encyclopedia taught me basic physics, and I stole a key and a gun from a passing slaver walking by the pen. From tinkering with these choking collars, I disarmed them. Me and my fellow slaves are almost ready and tonight, we will be free. Now, I must rest for tonight.

My friend and fellow slave, Jim, told me of a save place for slaves called "The Temple of the Union."When we escape, we are to go there. I am making final preparations. "On my word, we go...now!" I opened the gate with the key and ran with my heart pumping intensely. Some slavers tried to stop us.(gun shots) We shot and killed our enemies, and lost a few of us in the process. "Die you slaver scum", screamed Jim. I had unfinished business to attend to as the other slaves dealt with the slavers. I held a grudge against Eulogy, and decided to try to end his slaver business. Steathily, I walked into Eulogy's pad. I crept slowly in the darkness, sweating. My mind was racing. The place was quiet...too quiet, and quite dark.

"Die!" A slaver came after me wielding a knife. He slashed at me relentlessly, and I could barely see him. He then slipped into the shadows. Perhaps it was then that I realised that darkness paralyzed me. Slowly fear crept over me as a result of my fear of the unknown. I frantically shot at the air hoping to hit the steathy target. "Ahhhh!" I realised as I felt his blood spray across my face that he was dead. I walked into where it was lighter, and there he was. "You won't take my life. You will die here.", Eulogy announced. He proceeded to pull out some scoped pistol and he shot at me. He missed as his hand was shaking violently. I shot the gun out of his hand, proceeded forward, and held Eulogy at gunpoint.

"Please don't kill me. I'm just trying to make a life in the wastes. Everyone needs to earn a living.", said Eulogy "I can't let you live.", I replied. I pointed my gun at his head, but I couldn't do it. He was another human being. I thought "He's helpless", and I can't kill a helpless creature. I walked away silently and without a word. I saw in a glass window, Eulogy's reflection. He rose to his feet and pulled out a gun from his desk. He slowly aimed, and since I saw his reflection, I quickly turned around.(gun shot)

Post any suggestion you might have as well as what you thought overall.

Please, not so many replies or suggestions, but plenty of views. please give at least some feedback. good? bad?

It is a bit fast.

In one chapter you write about from just being captured till the grand escape.

Like trying to disarm a necklessbomb thingy: I can imagine that would be a real dangerous operation for a bomb expert
let alone to someone who lost his memory....
what I mean to say is: That part should be exciting, a little bit scary and a great relieve when succes has been achieved.
aka I miss the emotion for your character and the characters around him.

quote: "Die!" A slave came after me wielding a knife. He slashed at me relentlessly! (guess this should be slaver??)

And a question: the title says recording of a nobody.
Is this a recording?? or a story with 'recording' in the titel....

I'm not yet sure how I feel about the story, maybe a bit to super for me..
a nobody, that is a star at pickpocketing through a fence, then disarming a few bombs with... sand?
After that escaping with the slaves guns blazing, those guns just came falling from the sky?

Did you ever try to kill every slaver in paradise falls? there are a lot of them. And while reading i get the feeling
there are like 5 or something.

me: I never write any revieuws or anything. I usually just say nothing or post how much I loved it.

good luck on the next chapter..

I agree 100%. You're going way too fast without much detail.

And your character (and therefore story overall) is boring to read about I'm afraid. He is meant to be nobody but somehow he is totally Uber and can kill everyone in Paradise Falls and other powerful-type things. What's worse is that he has no personality, so it's not fun.

Think, this guy is meant to be weak, but he just goes and Chuck Norris' everyone. Realistically, he would of probably been killed when he insulted that slaver in the first place.

I can't think of much else to say without going too far into specifics (and I'm lacking time) but you need to be more real; this is just impossible to read and believe at the moment.

And I think that you should take 3 days (or longer) on each chapter on Microsoft Word. It may take longer but your spelling and grammar will be better, it'll be easier to write, and then final result will be much better. I mean you brought out two chapters in a space of a day; that's just showing that you're rushing without much thought. Take time!

Sorry but that's how it is for me :shrug: I think you should start from the beginning (including the load of things I told you) and go from there.

Good, I have some things to consider in writing now.

Good that you're taking the criticism well and taking heed of our advice. It'll make your writing 10x better

Good work :goodjob:

Out of interest, seti, are you going to be continuing on with this story? Honestly it has a lot of potential.

Hmmm. I just saw this post. Should I continue it? I forgot all about it.