In this story the LW is a guy and he

Enjoy,
~~~~~
Dr. Li goes up to find that the Lone Wanderer didn't make it. She knew this would happen, he was so much like his dad. She was saddened by his death, but yet had a smile on her face. Way to go kid.

Sarah Lyons walks up to Dr. Li. "Li, I -" Li interrupted Lyons, she had a sense of emergency in her voice.

"Take the remains back to the lab in Rivet City."

Back at the lab many voices could be heard, coming from inside.

"I need some hair, something, the goo is useless."

"Here's some Rad-X."

"Hurry!"

And many other things were said.

"How long until it's finished?" Asked Li.

"The process should be finished in about, let me see..." Said Sarah, "Roughly 19 years."

NINETEEN YEARS LATER

The Lone Wanderer woke up, gasping for breath.

"Good," Dr. Li said, "It's finished."

"What's finished? I - I don't understand." The Lone Wanderer asked.

"Ah yes, all will be explained after you answer me a few questions."

"Ok."

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"Um...I uh...I can't remember anything. I can't even remember my name, and who are you?"

"Relax, it's normal, I will explain it all to you momentarily, first, however I suggest you put some clothes on, the Wastelanders won't appreciate it if their their hero were too run around butt-naked." Li chuckled to herself as the Lone Wanderer looked down to see that he was in fact, naked.

"Here," Dr. Li said, handing him some Brahmin overalls and a worn, white shirt. "Put these on." The Lone Wanderer put on the clothes and then asked Dr. Li,

"Just what's going on? Who are you?"

"I," Said Dr. Li, "I am Dr. Madison Li, you, your father and I -"

"My father...I, I don't remember my father..."

"Oh dear, the amnesia is worse than anticipated." Just then a guard of the city came in.

"Dr. Li! The city is under attack, super mutants and raiders everywhere!"

"What?! How?! Rivet City security is -"

"It was unstoppable, they ambushed us, raiders dressed as civilians, with super mutants shortly away.

"Damn it!" Just then a Raider came in and shot both Dr. Li and the guard. The Lone Wanderer dove behind a table, and grabbed the guards assault rifle. And then, for some reason, he looked at his left wrist, it felt odd, like something was missing.

But he shot the raider, took his clothes as disguise then fled the city.

At the city entrance he was stopped by a raider.

"Hey! What are you doing out here? What's your name son?"

"Uh..."

"You new?"

"Yeah."

"So you're George Feir?"

"Yes..." The Lone Wanderer said, hoping to be convincing.

"You ain't supposed to be here, new'ns aren't allowed in such big battles. Come with me, back to the camp."

...Interesting idea, but it's too much conversation, especially considering the lines are spread out. Try to add more description of the things going on.

Yeah, that was very messy and went to fast. I also think the "19 years later" thing was a little too long, I would think only a few months to purge someone of radiation with medicine and to revive them, other wise it is to big of a gap to ignore.

Follow along in the story and you'll find out why it was 19 years. I will take both comments into consideration and try to build upon my work.

Other than what needs fixed, how is it?

Yeah, I've completed the MQ. You die. As far as I remember, nobody was dead for 19 years with rad sickness and was revived, including your dad so... where are you going with that?

good but some stuff will have to be explained

Wait and see, work your mind, it'll be worth the wait.


In time, in time.

The next chapter should be posted in a day or so.

:mellow:

he was a clone of some sort. Thats why Dr. Li needed hair.

Or at least thats my guess.

Maybe, maybe not. Wait and see. I will not tell anyone.

Why couldn't you just edit your first post blackbelt..?

I have to agree with the other posts in that this story has a lot of potential but it needs some work. It seems too 'condensed', and although I appreciate you trying to convey your story as succinctly as possible it needs to be fleshed out. As Blackbelt05 comments, the premise does seem a little predictable but you can always change and twist that up. The problem is that you're putting a couple thousand words of story into a mere handful of sentences, and lost a lot of the substance with it. This looks like it could be an entertaining read, but at the moment it just seems 'empty'.

That's fine. Next chapter will have more detail. If you look at http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=898397&hl=, it was fleshed out and no one commented.

That doesn't mean they don't care about it.

How is it that this story gets comments but mine is left with nothing

Having just read your other piece for the first time, I'd have to say the same thing about it. Too much dialogue, not enough exposition. Perhaps if you reformatted it as a script it might work better. Again, just my opinion.

Yeah, I'm like Quentin Terintino, every other sentence has dialogue.

On with part 2
~~~~~~~~~
George (Or at least that's what the Lone Wanderer will now go by) gulped. That's not what he wanted. He wanted to make some excuse up so he could get out of there. He couldn't blow his cover, not now, not after all those raiders whom he had just gotten by. It would be far too risky. So, George agreed. I'll just sneak out at night. So the raider took George to their camp just a little south of the Washington Monument. While there, George had to have a word with Henry Lee, the "boss".

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Asked Henry, pacing back and forth, infuriated. "I thought I told all you damned initiates to stay out of Class VI Battles." George was curious, he had never heard of such strict raider policy, or even a leader, let alone rules. But then again, he couldn't recall anything from his past.

"Excuse me," George said, raising his hand and two fingers slightly. "What exactly classifies a battle's class?" Henry looked disappointing not only before a raid do they announce what class it is, but every raider has their own "handbook".

"Read this." So, George did. The following are excerpts from the book:

Raider Ranks

There are six ranks in a raider group. Note that when it says been in or lead raids, that is not total, only in the previous rank. However, when talking about time-span, it is total, from when you first join.

*Initiate - Joined within the last year, or have not met the requirements to advance.

*Sinner - Has been part of the group for at least a year, or has been on 45 raids, which no rules were broken.

*Butcher - Has been part of the team for at least three years, or have been on 75 rule sustained raids, and has lead at least 5 rule sustained raids. This is the most common type of raider.

*Killjoy - Has been on the team for at least eight years or has lead 15 rule sustained raids.

*Master - Has been on the team for at least 15 years or has lead 32 rule sustained raids.

*Group Leader - Must be commissioned by old leader upon his (old leader) retirement.

Rules of the Raid(er)

*Never kill a fellow raider, unless ordered by the Group Leader.

*Never refuse to go on a raid that you are allowed to (by rank of raider) go on, but you don't go on ones beneath yor rank.

*Never question the authority of the Group Leader.

*Never Kill children that appear to be under the age of 13.

*Never go on a raid unsuited to your rank.

The punishment for breaking the rules will vary.

Dead Leader

*If the leader should ever be killed, the one to kill the killer will be new raider, unless the previous leader has said who he wanted to take his place. If the killer cannot be found, the group must vote for a new leader.

Battle Classes

There are six classes of battles. (Raids) Two classes cannot intermix, ie - 50 or less victims for Class II, but if there are only 20 victims or less, it is a Class I.

*Class I - Raid on a settlement or camp with 20 or less suspected victims. Initiates and Sinners can go on these raids.

*Class II - Raid a settlement or camp with 50 or less suspected victims. Sinners can go on these raids.

*Class III - Raid on a settlement or camp with 100 or less suspected victims. Butchers and Killjoys can go on these raids.

*Class IV - Raid on a large settlement (Or a city) with 250 or less suspected victims. Killjoys and Masters can go on these raids.

*Class V - Raid on a large settlement (Or a city) With 400 or less suspected victims. Masters can go on these raids.

*Class VI - Raid on a city or vault with more than 400 suspected victims, if the city is well enough known, population doesn't matter. Masters can go on these raids.
--------------

Pretty good, but it seems that more would have changed by 2296...

More has, remember so far we've only been to Rivet City and a Raider's Camp, wait until we get to MUCH has changed in those places.

Censorship is so [censored] annoying :shakehead:

Lol, kinda random, but still Lol. Part 3 should be up later tomorrow.

I think it's alright. The idea of ranks is good but I don't really think the part about only certain ranks can go on certain raids is realistic. I mean Masters are a very high rank so would be rare to find, and yet ONLY masters can go on a raid against more than 400 people? Wouldn't there only be like, 10 Masters?

Chapter 3 will explain this.

next part later today/early tomorrow.