After days of work it is ready! I give you the story of Elric Redmane!

Special thanks to Malx for the help in lore hunting.


Chapter 1: So long ago...
Candles flickers upon a large stone alter centered in the main room of an ancient and sacred cave. Dripping water can be heard echoing from deep within the cave. An adolescent red haired Nord, clothed in the fur of what appears to be a bear, kneels before the stone alter, head bowed, and surrounded by five grey cloaked figures. The footsteps of the Lore Master echo as he steps forth from the corridor to take his place.

The sixth elder, Lore Master Kain, pulls forth a silver long sword from his flowing green robes and places it upon the Alter of Hakar. Ornate designs carved in to the blade, the faded word Bane carved into the grip. The five Elders began their monotone Nordic chant as the Lore Master pulled back his hood revealing his wrinkled tattooed face and wind bound gray hair.

"Young one, you stand within the tomb of Hakar Redmane. This cave had once belonged to the Ronkar Clan, sons of the Volkihar Clan. The beastly clan of vampires that inhabited this cave fell at the hand of Hakar Redmane. Who would not rest untill each creature who claimed to be of the Ronkar Clan was wiped from Skyrim. Elric Redmane. Knowing this, state your purpose here." The booming voice of Lore Master Kain rang throughout the room and echoed deep into the tomb.

***

I rose to face Lore Master Kain and spoke the words I had practiced hours before entry. "I am of the Redmane Clan. The clan founded by Hakar Redmane, wielder of the fiery silver blade Bane, and father of my great grandfather's father. "I am Elric Redmane, first and only son of Grita and Ranulf Redmane. Born under the Warrior I have been chosen to begin the Trials of Hakar, to lift Bane from Hakar's Tomb and leave our village and survive for three days. Then on dawn of the fourth day I am to return home with my first kill. In doing this I will pass my test and begin the training for becoming a protector of the Village, a Watcher.""

"Descendant of Hakar, know that if you fail these trials you will disgrace the Redmane line. Such dishonor will bar you from entrance to Sovngarde.""

I nod to Kain, fully understanding the risk of losing Bane, and reach out to grasp the sword. As I did so Kain sternly grabs my hand.

"Elric..." Kain's grasp loosens as he continues, "Elric may Tsun and Kyne protect you.""

As I look upon my grief stricken master tears begin to well in my eyes. Kain had been my teacher in the mystic and healing arts for years now. To see him like that was nearly enough to keep me from leaving. Sitting here now, I wish I had. As Kain released me I wrapped my bare hand around the grip of Bane and turn to leave the tomb.

As I exit Hakar's tomb I look out upon my village and remind myself what I must do; make my way through the forest and find the prize I need. Goal in mind I turned from my childhood and walked forth toward the southern woods.

Just as dawn broke on the second day luck blessed me! I had found the beasts track and immediately began to follow. For hours I had followed and now snow had begun to fall.

How! How had I done it!? Stupid! I had lost the tracks in the midday snow. Once again I must begin the search. Discouraged from the loss of the trail, and weary from my lack of sleep during the first day I decide now is the best time to set up camp. What a fool I was, so certain of my abilities, so sure the creature would fall into my lap! These thoughts plague my mind as I set the kindling and start the fire. Once done I lay out in the snow by the fire and fight against my thoughts for sleep.

With little trouble I awake as the sun reaches its peak on the second day. Immediately I begin my search with renewed strength. Hours pass by and as the sun begin to fall I stumble upon the trail! Overjoyed I followed until I had found my prey. Focusing my renewed might I drew Bane and tackled the beast, thrusting Bane into its right flank and wrestle with the wolf till I pin it to the ground. At this point I know victory is near, all I need to do is pull Bane free and deliver the killing blow. I pull Bane free and sink it into the wolf's neck, holding it until the beast had ceases its struggling.
I rose from the carcass, pulled Bane from the beast body, and let out a triumphant yell! I had done it! I had found the wolf and killed it! Now all that lay in my way was the trek back home.

It's sad really, but I could not have known what I waltzed into back then. For as I foolishly celebrated my victory over a battle too easily won, a true enemy, seeing their trap sprung, unleashed their attack from the shadowed forest. An arrow whistles through the air and collides with my right shoulder, easily piercing trough my bear fur armor and sinking into my flesh. Moments after hitting a burning heat, not unlike fire, pulses throughout my body and all goes black.

There I lay, far from home and at the mercy of my attacker. So foolish was I in those days.

Oh I love what you added! This is really good Arcry! This is Awesome Arcry!

That would be a problem with me..My fingers seem to act independently at times...Merely thought prey and wrote pray..

I edited my answer since they were fixed - you were probably fixing them while I was posting it! This is really great Arcry - the end was left in mystery, and I can't wait to see what happens!

Arcy,

:read: It is nice to see you start writing! This is a fine start, a good introduction.

As your first post, you have provided an interesting backdrop and nice descriptions.

Just a couple things to work on in general terms: Watch your tenses. You switched from present in para one to past tense for the rest of the story. If that was intentional as a literary device, you might consider inserting a break using * * * or such. Look for similar words in close proximity to each other and seek synonyms to minimize - I have to edit countless times looking for that myself. Pay attention to the language you use in emotional displays. "I nearly cried myself" says much about the character. We don't know your character well enough to tell whether that is consistent with how you see him so you need to evaluate that. These are just little things to think about.

I hope you will continue! :foodndrink:

Edit: I see you have done some editing to the story after I posted. Nice!

Thanks for the tips and praise Acadian.

It's a decent beginning. You have a good word flow and you use just enough description to make it interesting yet not too much to make it dull.

Reading about that ritual made me feel the process of the older generation passing on their banner to the younger.

There are some facts that I feel I should warn you about.

Elric was given a hereditary sword, a prized relic, before he passed his initiation to advlthood? Perhaps you could say he was initiated with it and promised that he would get to wield it if he comes back. Then he would use some ordinary weapon.



Not sure is that is wise to say. I think Elric already knows that failing is not an option and to say this in the ritual itself seems... weird. Like calling the fate to jinx it.

You switch from present tenses to past tenses without warning. Also, you use 3rd person POV in the beginning and then switch to 1st person. I see that Acadian has already pointed that out.

Attacking a wolf with a sword? Doesn't make sense. Why would the wolf wait for Elric to come closer? You made it sound like the wolf is standing still, just waiting for him. A sword is a dueling (duel as in fighting another person with a weapon in their hands) than a hunting weapon.

A nice twist in the end. I wonder why he was attacked. Blood feud or is someone after the sword?

Keep up the work, Arcry.

Peleus I would like to thank you for bringing the wolf to my attention. It was my full intention to make the wolf seem still. Not only that but alone! All should be clear with my new edit.

Bane is key in the Ritual of the Watcher. Bane's part in the ritual is to be used to recreate the epic hunt Hakar preformed against the Ronkar..Which I seem to have neglected to mention...Fixing that now...

The footsteps of the Lore Master echo as he steps forth from the corridor to take his place.
'Echo' works, but I think 'echoes' is better here.

***

The five Elders began their monotone Nordic chant as the Lore Master pulls back his hood revealing his wrinkled tattooed face and wind bound gray hair.
Use either:
The five Elders began their monotone Nordic chant as the Lore Master pulled back his hood revealing his wrinkled tattooed face and wind bound gray hair.
OR
The five Elders begin their monotone Nordic chant as the Lore Master pulls back his hood revealing his wrinkled tattooed face and wind bound gray hair.

***

Elric Redmane, knowing this state your purpose here.
I would use this:
Elric Redmane. Knowing this, state your purpose here.

***

The booming voice of Lore Master Kain rings throughout the room and echoed deep into the tomb.
Use either:
The booming voice of Lore Master Kain rings throughout the room and echoes deep into the tomb.
OR
The booming voice of Lore Master Kain rang throughout the room and echoed deep into the tomb.

***

"Decendent of Hakar, know that if you fail these trials you will disgrace the Redmane line, such dishonor will bar you from entrance to Sovngarde.""
I'd use:
"Decendent of Hakar, know that if you fail these trials you will disgrace the Redmane line. Such dishonor will bar you from entrance to Sovngarde.""

***

I nod to Kain, fully understanding the risk of losing Bane, and reach out to grasp the grip of Bane.
It's a little akward when you use a name two times or more in the same sentence. I suggest:
and reach out to grasp it
OR
and reach out to grasp the sword

***

As I did so Kain sternly grabs my hand.
Change 'did' to 'does'.

***

As Kain releases me I wrapped my bare hand around the grip of Bane and turn to leave the tomb.
Use either:
As Kain releases me I wrap my bare hand around the grip of Bane and turn to leave the tomb.
OR
As Kain released me I wrapped my bare hand around the grip of Bane and turn to leave the tomb.

***

As I exit Hakar's tomb I look out upon my village and remind myself what I had must do;

***

as the sun begin its fall
Sounds a little akward. Why not just use:
as the sun begin to fall

***

Overjoyed I follow until I had found my prey.
Use either:
Overjoyed I follow until I have found my prey.
OR
Overjoyed I followed until I had found my prey.

***

Focusing my renewed might I drew Bane and tackle the beast
Use either:
Focusing my renewed might I draw Bane and tackle the beast
OR
Focusing my renewed might I drew Bane and tackled the beast

***

Winded and bloody I pull Bane from the beast and let out a triumphant yell!
Is it supposed to be 'wounded'?

***

For as I foolishly celebrated my victory over a battle too easily won, a true enemy, seeing their trap sprung, unleashes their attack from the shadowed forest.
Change to 'unleashed'



Wow, I hope I don't sound like a major [censored] or something
I like the story, you just need to work with the differense between past tense and present tense.

I would never call someone as helpful as yourself such. These corrections have helped greatly.

*Curtsies* You're welcome