The Misfortunes of Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc

CHAPTER 1

This is the story of the conversation between Vivec and the Nerevarine, the real conversation, of the legendary speech made by Vivec as he handed over Wraithguard to the Hortator. It should be mentioned that Orcs are notoriously stupid, but Hra-krak Onetusk is the reason for that reputation. We begin our story as Vivec begins his speech?

VIVEC: "When I was young like you-"

Hra-krak: "So what you want?"

VIVEC: "I was very impatient..."

Hra-krak: "Can you get to da point cos I really got to go an take a leek..."

VIVEC: "So I will keep this short, then later, there may be time for other things. First, I propose to remove the curse upon the Nerevarine, end the persecution of the dissident priests and-"

Hra-krak: "Dey all dead"

VIVEC: "and proclaim to all Morrowind......WHAT!?"

Hra-krak: "Dey all ded, der priests. Killed em all"

VIVEC: "What? When did you..? I mean, WHY did you..?"

Hra-krak: "Dey laugh at me wen I asks what book says, not my fault I cant read big words, den one call me i-n-s-u-f-ferable i-g-n-orant, so I killed him. Den the ovvers see an, well, you know how it is, people get all upset, an, an, well DEY STARTED IT !!"

VIVEC: "Right! Right! OK, well, erm, where was I? Oh yes...Proclaim to all Morrowind-"

Hra-krak: "Except dem priests"

VIVEC: "YES, quite,.....erm, That Hra-krak Onetusk is the Incarnate and Nerevarine-"

Hra-krak: "Dunno why I have to be dem just to kill some old blue skin wot gone mad..."

VIVEC: "WILL YOU BE QUIET!? I AM trying to proclaim you the prophesied saviour of MORROWIND!"

Hra-krak: "Dont haff to shout, I got ears you know, look, dem here by the side of my head, see? got them when I was born, dem smaller dan yours though.."

VIVEC: "Are YOU supposed to be the last hope against Dagoth UR?"

Hra-krak: " Whose this? Hear he [censored] fighter, you want him dead? you got septims? I'm your ORC!"

VIVEC: "Can you please let me get to the point! You will also have to deal with the Sixth House.."

Hra-krak: "Gonna be extra....how many of them, lets say fifty septims-"

VIVEC: "THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM! WE ARE AT WAR!! DONT YOU UNDERSTAND!!?? YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE!!"
(Vivec is pulling at his ears at this point)

Hra-krak: "Dunno about that, might take some time,.... ere, you have got the money to pay for all these blue skins you want exterminianin-ated ?"

VIVEC: "They are NOT "BLUE-SKINS!", I cant believe I'm about to hand over the most powerful weapon to a thick headed green skinned-"

Hra-krak: "Special weapon!? Why didnt you say before? I love special weapons! Whats it do then?"

VIVEC: "IT KILLS DAGOTH UR!! YOU BLITHERING IDIO-"

Hra-krak: "Is that all? I still want payin then, sno good if it only good for one kill, any chance I could repair it afterwards? Otherwise, if its all the same to you, Ill take the money....already got a couple a good swords...."

VIVEC: "HERE! TAKE IT! IT'S FOR F-R-E-E!! OK? Just give me your word that you will at least go to Red Mountain and possibly kill DAGOTH UR?? YOUR WORD! OATH!? GIVE IT TO ME!!"
(Vivec is currently waving Wraithguard in Hra-krak's face)

Hra-krak (Taking Wraithguard in his hand): "Well, sniff, if you put it like that then, sniff, I spose I could make the trip to red mountain, is there stilt rider?"

VIVEC: "NO THERE IS NOT A STILT FERRY SERVICE TO GHOST GATE!! YOU WILL HAVE TO WALK!"

Hra-krak: "AH flamin Nora! WALK! all de way there? Thats gonna cost too, need a place to stay an somethink extra to eat for the trip, an water, an extra arrows, gotta buy dem CLIFF RACER writs again, money money money, I dunno...." (Hra-krak is walking slowly toward the door)

VIVEC: "DONT YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW WRAITHGUARD WORKS!!??!!"

Hra-krak: "It go on arm like dis- ooOOOAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!-"
(Vivec rushes over to Hra-krak and teaches him the use of Wraithguard)

Vivec: "There, now go away, I shall be vacationing on the mainland for the next week or so, (as you obviously dont stand a chance) GOOD LUCK!! Farewell! you stupid smelly thick green-skinned idiot of beas-"

And so ends the true story of the meeting between Vivec and the Nerevarine.

CHAPTER 2

Hra-krak Onetusk's further misfortunes, the buying of breakfast?

Hra-krak's head hurt, both of them, sitting up, the full wall to wall, and not to mention the ceiling also, were covered in mirrors, thus the still skooma poisoned Hra-krak's double vision was playing merry hell with his brain. It must have been midday, he guessed, as he found his clothes and equipment scattered around the tiled floor. As he was retrieving the second of his odourous sock from the depths of the giant oval bed, he realised that this was a room of slinkyness, and above all, style.

"Where the effin hell am I?" said Hra, rubbing his head as he attempted to place his underpants through one arm.

"Her ladies private quarters,? Orc" said the servant who was now standing with a tray in both hands.

"And youre a Khajiit, which lady dis den?" Hra-krak slid Elton brand smoothly into its scabbard, and turned to face the Argonian slave.

"Argonian, thank you, and, Almalexia" said the slave coldly.

"Oh [censored] !!"

"Yes, quite, will one be leaving via the balcony? Since her last ?conquest` left that way, the lady has enplaced bear traps below. "

"I DUN IT IT WID ALMIE?!!"

"I'm quite sure I wouldn't know about THAT sir, however, she has requested the presence of a ?Big- boy- Greeny` at the breakfast table, and that, I assume, means you."

"OH [censored] !! I dun it wid almie, shes a effin goddess!! Oh [censored] oh [censored] oh [censored] oh by Septims underpants! What me going to do now!!?" said Hra-krak, panicking slightly.

"Have breakfast?"

"Yeah, right, dat wot I do! Haff breakfast wid A BLEEDIN GODDESS !!?? She'll flaming kill me!!" Hra-krak Onetusk is currently circling the room, frantically looking at possible exits,

"Sir? I do believe it is SHE, who invited you, for breakfast, now sir, she's not one for waiting, sir."

Hra-krak stops in mid spin, "You sure about dat?"

"YES, sir, she was quite specific, you, her, and breakfast, meeting at the same point in time, that being in the breakfast room, sir, and may I say, sir is now late, and maybe trousers, sir?"
Said the Argonian slave, holding a pair of trousers as far away from himself as he could.

"And may I suggest that underpants are not designed to be worn under your cuirass?"

After some adjustments, Hra-krak looked at the slave,
"I spose you wondering about tattoo?"

"Sir, nothing could be further from my mind, I assure you that I wish no further knowledge of ?Ahnassi' nor shall I be able to ?see` that name again without reaching for the skooma bottle, sir."

Nothing more was said as the Argonian led Hra-krak Onetusk into a large oval domed room, there, in the centre sat Almalexia, dining upon fresh eggs and strips of fried mushrooms.

"Ah! You live! How delightful! Do sit down! You must dine with me, Big boy!!"
Two guards lifted Hra-krak up by the arms and placed him in the seat opposite Almalexia.

"Err, ummm, hello your ladies worth, err, goddess, wotsit of Morrowind thingy, erm, about last night-"

"Oh you were delightful Hra, may I call you Hra? I feel I know you SO well now, shall we discuss business? I'm so looking forward to using you again, I mean, well there're things I need you to have done, sweetie, you are just the type of person, and I just cant take no for an answer!" said the goddess.

"Err, Yeah! Sure! No problem! You just tell me who it is and they is ded, no problem, for you is no livin being too hard to kill?" said Hra-krak as he stuffed a serving bowls worth of boiled eggs into his mouth.

"Sotha Sil, darling, its Sotha Sil."

"PPHHHEEEWKAAA!!COUGH!COUGH! splutter! Cough cough!-"

"Oh sweetie, I do wish people wouldn't play with there food, can someone slap him on the back? I'm not quite finished with him."

As the guards helped Hra-krak recover his breathing ability, Almalexia came over and sitting on the edge of the table, slowly scratched the underside of his chin.

"Yeah, well, cough-cough, when I said ANYONE, what I meant was-"
Slowly, Almalexia placed a foot between Hra-krak's legs. "- Was that, well, I fink I might have another fing on at this moment, you know how it is?"

"Oh, I do, I do," she said, moving her foot a little higher.

"An, and, well, errm, I would be happy to do anything for da goddess bu-"

"MARvellous ! Wonderful darling, I just knew I could rely on you! Have you finished eating? If, when you get back I am sure we can discuss payment and, oooooh, I am sure I can think of something that will interest you, GOODBYE! My funny little green boy!"

And with that, Almalexia waved her hand, and Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc pirate was gone?

CHAPTER 3

The further misfortunes of Hra-krak the Orc pirate, a final meeting between Helseth and Hra-krak?

Hra-krak enters the court of Helseth, covered in bruises, scratches and blood, out of breath and slightly annoyed?

Helseth ? "Ah, Hra-krak, so good to see you again, have you any news from the temple?"

Hra-krak ? "All ded"

Helseth ? "Cough!- WHAT!! You don't mean to say you killed them all??!!"

Hra-krak ?"Nah, not all, some killed themselves after wot I told em?"

Helseth ? "What on earth did you say-"

Hra-krak ? "Not much, jus dat their Almi is ded"

Helseth ? "You mean to tell me the Temple is no more? That I stand in power uncontested? well this is good news, Hra-krak. Good news indeed?"

Hra-krak ? "Yeah, Almalexia is ded too, an that Sotha bloke was hangin up inna room wot nearly kill me to find, I not happy. I hurt all over wot not like before? You got my gold?"

Helseth ? "Almalexia, Sotha, the preists?..my word you've been busy?..erm, yes Hra, do sit down, you must be exhausted, Bring Hra his reward !"

A servant brings out an open chest with what appears to be armour inside and places it in front of Hra-krak?.

Helseth ? "I present to you, mighty warrior, the armour of my royal guard, an honour bestowed upon only those that have shown there devout obedience to me-"

Hra-krak ? "S-pink"

Helseth ? "Err, sorry?"

Hra-krak ? "Don't wannit, its pink, look stupid in pink armour, people laugh at me when Im in dat, an wheres my septims? I want my money, wheres my gold?"

Helseth ? "Im bestowing upon you the greatest reward I could offer you, and you refuse it because ITS PINK!!??"

Hra-krak ? "Yeah, an wheres my soddin gold? You better ave my gold cause I had one bad day,an dat day was today, and I want my gold, an I want buy ship, an rob your boats, cause I don't fink I like you anymore, you tell me to "get to know Almalexia better", an look wot happen, YOU tell me you make it worth my wile, an you try give me pink armour wot worth nothink, now me get really mad, wot you not know how?.."

Helseth ? "You, you threaten ME!!- you insult my guards, kill our gods, destroy a thousand year old religion, cause chaos all over my city, and then demand PAYMENT!!??"

Hra-krak ? "Yep, dat is wot you tell me to do an I still don't like your pansy-armour an I WANT MY GOLD!! err, dat a nice ring you got , maybe you give Hra dat ring, an we forget the pink armour, dat really nice ring, I fink I have that?."

Helseth ? "GUARDS! GUARDS!! NO! Get off me you disgusting Orc! aaAARRGGHH!!-"

?and so ends the reign of Helseth and the Temple, and the beginning of the Hra-krak Pirate-Empire?




CHAPTER 4

The Further Misfortunes of Hra-krak the Orc Pirate, the true account of the meeting of Dagoth Ur?

As Hra dispatches yet another of Dagoth's minions?

"Come Nerevar, come as traitor or friend?"

Hra- "Who said dat?" spinning around and seeing no-one.

"And bring Wraithguard as I have need of it?"

Hra- "Look you, stop playing dem silly buggers an show yourself, you wanna buy ?Wraithguard`, dat we can talk about, but your mates ere are getting on my nerves?"

Another ash ghoul jumps out at Hra-krak and is immediately confused about his loss of head, Hra steps over the body and slips silently into the dark red bowels of this ruin?

"Come to the Heart chamber, where we met ages ago?."

Hra- "Are you dat bloke I met in Balmora? Look, I is sorry I ripped yas arm off, but I was-"

"COME TO ME THROUGH FIRE AND WAR"

Another doorway, another ghoul drops to the dust covered floor?..

Finally, Hra faces Dagoth inside the Heart chamber?

Hra-"So dis da heart den? Don't look very big?"

Dagoth-"It began here and it will end here, have you any parting words?"

Hra-"Huh? But I just got here? can you tell me where da toilet is, cause I really gotta go-"

Dagoth- "So, you would mock me, I see you would rather skip the speeches and get down to our business?"

Hra-"Wha- oh yeah, you wanna buy dis wraifguard thingy, yeah well, Id love to sell it to you, but I cant get it off, I tried everfing! Even dwemer oil, noffing gets it off?"

Dagoth-"You would SELL me wraithguard!?"

Hra-"Id love to, my arms bin itchin all da way here, an dat Vivec bloke said it was special, but he not say about da itchin, don't see wots so special about it anyhows, bleedin special itchin if you ask me?"

Dagoth-"No, there can be but one result here today, I had considered? offering to accept your service to me-"

Hra makes himself more comfortable, by leaning against the heart?

Hra-"AH!,Ah, well deres your problem see, dat Vivec offer me a lot a gold for your head, you see, an, well, if you can see my point, id like to help yous, but, well, how much you offering?"

Dagoth-"You would give me the tools ? WILL YOU GET OFF THE HEART!!-"

Hra-"Oh, SOOOOOO sorry! You mean dis heart here?"

Hra now taps the heart with sunder in his hand?

Dagoth-"Stop patting it like that, DON'T TOUCH IT! You disgusting vermin!"

Hra continues to slap the heart in a friendly way?

Hra-"Wot? Dis heart here? OOOOOH! The "disgusting vermin is SOOOO SORRY!"

Hra is now putting a little effort into his friendly patting of the heart?

Dagoth-"Look, just step away from the heart, will you, I, I'm sorry I called you vermin, I really didn't mean it, look, just step over here, would you, and maybe we could talk about this?"

Hra-"Oh no, I couldn't do dat, Mr Mighty Dagoff "Im a god" dontcha know, I fink I stays right where I is and keeps my friendly hand on dis here hearty thing?OOPS!-"

As Hra-krak Onetusk pats the heart it dislodges from its frame, shielding still intact, and gently rolls towards the edge of the platform?

Dagoth-"THE HEART!! NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!"

Dagoth reaches out for the heart as it tumbles over the edge, as he does so, Hra-krak puts out one of his feet in front of Dagoth's path?

Dagoth-" WHA-?.. aAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" SPLAT!!- sizzle! Sounds of liquefying flesh?

Hra-krak-"Easiest money I ever made, some of dese Gods round ere aint so clever like me!HUR! HUR!"

And so Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc pirate slowly made his way back to Vivec?


CHAPTER 5

The Further Misfortunes of Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc Pirate, a discussion of promotion?

Morag Tong Grand-Master- "Lets go over that again shall we?"

Hra-krak- "Err, ok boss"

MTGM- "And STOP calling me ?BOSS`!!"

Hra-krak- "Why? You da boss so I calls ya boss- "

MTGM- "I AM THE MASTER!! The master? okay? I am called the master, this is a mark of respect, so please appear to be trying to show me some?now, where were we??"

Hra-krak- "Yeah, you said dis was de umpteenth writ and youll be dammed if I don't get it right this time?"

MTGM- "Ah yes of course? now, repeat after me, I do not kill all the ?blue-skins` in the same room as the target."

Hra-krak- "I is to not kill all da blue-skins wot you don't want me to?"

MTGM- "I suppose that will have to do? next, I will not kill the entire village population because I cant find the target!"

Hra-krak- "Yeah bu-"

MTGM-"NO BUTS!! NOT THIS time Hra! It will take decades for the population of Ald Velothi to recover! And the target wasn't even there!"

Hra-krak- "You tole me ee was?"

MTGM- "NO I DID NOT!! I told you quite specifically that he was in the ruins WEST of Velothi! West! WEST!!"

Hra-krak- "I is sorry you thinks I not know dat, I not hear you?"

MTGM- "Yes, well, one could be forgiven for not hearing when one is stuffing his face with boiled bosner!"

Hra-krak- "roasted?."

MTGM- "I DON'T CARE WHAT IT WAS!!"

Hra-krak- "OK, ok, s?easy mistake ta make"

MTGM- "SHALL we move on? I want you out of here as soon as possible?. Next, I shall not tell all my Orc mates in the tavern WHERE THE MORAG TONG SECRET BASE IS!!"

Hra-krak ?"AW!! Cmon boss, it was only da one time an I was bleedin plastered!"

MTGM- "But then you brought them round here to have an all night session with the skooma pipe!"

Hra-krak- "Yeah but you joined in-"

MTGM- " NO I DID NOT!!"

Hra-krak- "YEAH, I saws you! Ogledak passed out before you did!"

MTGM- "I don't, I don't remember clearly, BUT THAT IS NOT the point! The point is I want your solemn word that that won't happen again!"

Hra-krak- "Oh, okay? bleedin spoilsport?"

MTGM- "So you understand who the writ is for?"

Hra-krak- "Yeah yeah, an no other blue-skins?I know I know?"

MTGM- "You do realise I shall be retiring soon?and unfortunately you appear to be the only candidate, for some reason no-one wants to take over from me?"

Hra-krak ?"WARRGH! Cool!, I get ta be da boss! WOW! Brilliant! So wen you going?"

MTGM- "Well, its not as simple as that Hra? you see, there's a traditional method of succession?.."

Hra-krak- "OH NO! Don't tell me I has to wear a bleedin silly costume an den deres a ceremony wot all da people see me wearin dis stupid fing in-"

MTGM- "No, no, my simple Orc friend, not at all, in fact it is much simpler, but you don't have to follow the tradition, you see, you're so unconventional already?.but it is up to you?"

Hra-krak- "So wots da normal way den?"

MTGM- "Normally you would kill the Grand master-"

Hra-krak- "OK den.." Thrusting his black hands dagger into the side of the Grand master of the Morag-Tong

MTGM- "Wha-?Aargh!-NO!-"

As the magical affects subsided and the now X- Grandmaster slid to the floor?

Hra-krak- "WOOHOO!! IM DA BOSS!! Hey boys! Lets av a drink! Hey orcy bro! light up da pipe! Time to PAAAARRRRTTYYYYY!!..."

And so ends the story of the elevation of the Nerevar within the ranks of the Morag Tong?

CHAPTER 6

The further Misfortunes of Hra-krak Onetusk the Orc Pirate?


Hra-krak, killer of kings and gods? awakes on the western shores of Solstheim, as he slowly rubs his forehead and looks around himself, mainly to see where the hell he is, he notices his brand-new, and now beached and wrecked "pirate-ship" a few metres away from him?

Hra-krak- "Awgh FROG-SPAWN !! My ship! My luvely ship! Oh Septims underpants! All that money! I knew I should have stuck to robbin an lootin, stupid pick-axe delivery?.oh my bleedin head??"

"Ah! Help! Help! I'm being molested! Someone help me!"

Hra-krak- "Whu the-?"

Hra-krak can see three creatures standing over a body on the ground, they appear to be having difficulty getting what they want, as a sharp saber is being waved about in a dangerously un-professional manner?

Hra-krak- "Ere! You cant eat my customer! OI! She hasn't paid yet!!"

Hra-krak bounds over to the group of Graal and swiftly decapitates two of the creatures, but then as he goes for the third, the sword wielding woman stabs out, and amazingly the last remaining Graal finds himself without a functioning throat to breath with?

Apronia Alfeno ? "Ah! Another one, have that, you beast!"

Hra-krak ? "Oi! Wat you fink youse doing, lady? That's my ship an dat was my bleedin arm!"

Apronia ? "Well, there's no need to swear like that, how was I supposed to know that you were not one of "those" beasts?"

Hra-krak- "No, look! There is my bleedin arm, and Im GREEN, and dem on the floor is grey-skinned fings wot is dead, and Im not, are you one of dem cant see colours thingys, cause I know a telvanni wot can fix dat?"

Apronia ? "Oh, oh, I am most terribly sorry, one did not recognise you, I should have recognised the smell?What a terrible experience, that was your barge? But I thought that bosmer person was the captain?"

Hra-krak ? "Yeah, well, I was trainin him, sort of teachin im how to be a pirate an all dat, when he says he as a easy way to make some money from the stupid Imperials?..I knew I should haf stuck to robbin an killin? Im just going ta check da ship?"

Apronia ? "Your, you're a pirate? Is that some sort of sailing profession? My word its getting cold?.do you think we should be going somewhere? Oh! Just look at my clothes! They are ruined! How far do you think it is to the nearest form of civilisation? Oh, I just know this stain will never come out, don't you think we should move along, one cannot be standing here in this sort of weather, one would catch her death, in this cold? do you think we could find a place to eat? I'm rather famished to be honest and what with all this excitement I really must insist that we find premises with lodgings, a private bathroom would be essential at a time like this, well? What are you waiting for? Oh, please close your mouth, I can smell your breath from here? shall we be going??"

Hra-krak stands in shock, shakes his head and then grabs Apronia by the arm?

Hra-krak ? "Its dis way, an I fink barfs an lodgerings can wait till we find the Ravens Rock people, Im finkin more of dem wolves and bears over there on dat hill??"

Apronia ? "AAAAGH! Wild beasts! "

Hra-krak- "Shaddapp!"

Clasping Apronia over the mouth and dragging her away behind some trees?

Hra-krak- "Be very very not talking loudly an we might see the next day, okay lady? I want youse to nod your head like youse saying yes but not with the talking bit, cause I is one very angry orc right now, havin lost my ship wot is not a barge, an, an avin wot is called a bad day, okay?"

Apronia nods her head, and Hra-krak lets her go, and begins to march away toward the colony?

Apronia- "Well, I must say, that's an experience one shall not forget until one has acquired a bath with medicinal soaps??where are you going? Is this the right way? How long do you suppose it will be before we find a civilised place? Oh, my shoes are just going to be ruined with all this walking? do you think it's far? Really, I didn't think you would be so impertinent at a time like this, but, well, its to be expected of the lower races, and I'm sure you mean well, are we there yet? What is this place? Ravens Claw? Stone? Or did you say Pebble? I didn't quite catch that, what with your accent, it is really quite difficult to understand what it is you are saying, I thought Orcs had two tusks? Did you lose one? Do they come off or something? Oh look a wolf thingy, I really do wish you wouldn't walk quite so fast?"

Hra-krak- "Wolf fingy?-"

As Hra-krak turns toward Apronia to see what she meant, a large white wolf leaps toward Hra-krak. They both fall to the snow covered ground, rolling about in a life threatening embrace, the wolf snapping wildly at Hra's face, and he in turn trying desperately to strangle the deadly animal. Finally, Hra-krak manages to get the grip he was after, and a loud "cracking" noise echoes across the wooded glade?

Hra-krak- "You hungry?"

Apronia- "Did you have to be quite so violent? I mean, couldn't you have done that behind some tree or something? One doesn't wish to appear ungrateful, but, that was not something one wishes to see again?"

Hra-krak- "Lady, I is not the Orc that knows wot fiolant is, an I is not an orc wot want to know, now is the orc wot walks dis way so I can stop hearing words like dat sooner dan later?"

Apronia- "Well, yes of course, I will of course try to simplify my vocabulary for one such as yourself? Are we going to have more of these incidents? I really must ask you to give me some sort of warning or something, I really find this most awkward, and could you possibly slow down? I am not used to this walking business? except for the shopping of course? Do you think we are nearly there? One wishes to know when we are there, it would be terrible if one didn't have prior notice? Are you employed by someone? I am sure you must be, I really am most curious about your tooth, how did you lose it?"

Hra-krak- "Didn't lose it?."

Apronia-" Oh, a genetic defect? How awful, I'm so sorry?."

Hra-krak-" Got it inna bag on my belt, snapped off when I killed my first bosmer?.Hurr hurr?now he tasted good?."

Apronia- "Oh, well it does seem to be snowing, is there anything you can do? I find your lack of control over these matters most disturbing? is there any possibility of us reaching our destination soon as I do miss speaking to civilised people, oh, I do wish you would stop walking quite so fast, it really is quite irritating, why have you stopped? What's wrong now? Is there going to be a delay? I do wish you would inform me of such things in advance, I almost walked into you, and that is a most horrendous thought, making bodily contact with a common Orc is beyond my imagination?"

At the Raven rock Colony, Hra-krak finds Falco Gelanus the site boss?

Falco- "Well, that's a bit of luck, you finding our supply ship, and you carried these pick-axes all the way here, amazing? here's the payment for what you gave us, they'll certainly come in handy, but, tell me, no survivors? Not one? That's a shame, we heard that a woman was aboard, could have done with the company, if you know what I mean, gets lonely out here in the wild, no one to talk to?"

Hra-krak- "I dunno? sometimes da sound of noffin is better"

Falco- "You wont get much quiet here I'm afraid, the wolves are constantly howling?"

Hra-krak- "Dey go quiet after a good feed, so I heard?"

Falco- "Really, ah, so that's why they have been so quiet this evening?"

And so our story ends?

Great story. I laughed all the way through.

Amazing. I really enjoyed that. Really clever, more so because Hra Krak was so stupid...

Hilarious.

I found this to be a wonderful piece of comedic literature, not seen by these boards since the Nathan chronicles.

I loved it, especially the last one which was pure gold.

:rofl: That was amazing.

I couldn't even finish it ... because I kept falling out of my chair laughing :rofl:

I loved it, good work.

A wonderfully hilarious take on Morrowind. Haven't read anything as funny in a while.

Grade A work, I'd love to see hra krak in oblivion

Those were all awesome, but my favorite would have to be the one with the Master of the Morag Tong.

Awesomeness. Sheer awesomeness. Made me smile and laugh the whole way through.

I`m so glad you liked it, I thought it might be out of date but I can clearly see its not. The irony for me is , I did actually play Hra krak like that on my x-box (1st one) . I did kill the Morag Tong boss as soon as he mentioned the option to do so...I did kill Helseth for his ring, and I couldnt stand that armour, cos it is pink. And to protect NPC`s was a nightmare. and I did lose ahnnassii...she disapeared mid mission and I had Hra krak dedicate himself to her , her home, her side quests....it was a little upsetting. With x-box you had to switch off all the autosaves to get an extra couple of hours without crash syndrome.

ah, my sweet anhassii....wwwwwaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHGHGHGHLe...sniff....BLART! Sniffle........AAAAAANNNNAAAAASSSIIIII!!!!!!!!


I have to get him onto Oblivion. And then write up the story....I`m kinda playing witha Brelf at the moment (breton-elf mix race mod ish type of thing) twisted gothic type with weird music playing in her head...sweet music.....fairy music....Yeah, shes a loon.

projects projects projects. Glad you liked this. I am pleased you are pleased.

I really should write up the story of Ahnnassii going missing again and how Hra got the tattoo on his....ahem yes well, thats maybe for the older boys and girls in the forum....


I am the one who randomly starts threads entitled "whats your favourite elf?" and I really love it when I catch other people doing it too..... :rofl: hot skooma sauce anyone?

:rofl:

That was hilarious, when I read "Hra-krak ? "S-pink" I laughed so hard tea came out of my nose

Finally read it all... and managed to settle for :lmao: instead of :rofl:

Hard to read when :rofl: ing.

Thanks for re-posting this now it has been found. I remember it the first time but it remains just as funny for the second time of reading. Brilliant.

Very good! I love it when parodies are actually funny. And I agree with FC4, this has got to the funniest bit of writing since Darknova's stuff.

AHahhahhahah! :rofl:

Thanks Hra. It was like re-reading an old Pratchett book.

And extra thanks to KJR1012 for having it archived. :thumbsup:

Incredible. Absolutely loved it, laughed like four times just in the first chapter.

I have to agree...this is pretty much comedy gold.
Kinda reminds me of Don Quixote...

Pure awesome. Thanks for enlightening us.

Hilarious. 's Pink.. :lmao:

That, and Hrun the barbarian from discworld.

Thank you for your kind words of appreciation.

Will write more at some point.