The rusting gate to the rusty old city of the small village of York, slowly opened up to let the a young man in. York is just 3 blocks away from the Empire State Building. I walked by multiple bodies of City Residents and Super Mutants. As I neared the biggest building in the city, I stopped and talked to a guy in heavy armor with an Assault Rifle on his back and a Laser pistol on his right leg.

"Is this Mr. Rockwell's apartment?" I asked him while looking up at the building.

"Yup. His apartment is on the 2nd floor first door to the right when you exit the elevator." He replied.

I entered the lobby and walked towards the elevator, suddenly I heard a scream and gunfire outside. I looked out a shattered window to find a group of Raiders shooting civilians. Raiders are relentless and bloodthirsty. They could and will do anything to you.

One was tall and muscled raider was carrying an assault rifle, the other two had a .10 Millimeter Submachine Gun. I took out my .44 Magnum and gunned down one of the smaller ones. Then the big one shot and killed a Security Guard. I realized I need to take out the big one first but by the time I aimed for the big one. Before I knew it I had been shot and went into a coma.

I awoke days later in a brightly lit room on a bed in a medical bay. I looked around and saw man laying down on another bed. He was asleep. I tried to get up but I was strapped down. I heard a voice coming from the next room and the door start to open. I quickly acted like I was asleep. A man with a long white beard and a lab coat walked in. He had a needle in his hand.

Me being scared to death of needles, let out a scream. "Now, Now, Now, We have a faker." I finally realized who this was. It was Mr. Rockwell! He was just about to stab me with a needle when suddenly??.


To Be Continued

The story progressed rather quickly, and feels very rushed. The same amount of content could have been expanded upon and made to sound much better, and also easier to follow.

For example, in the back of my head I was still thinking about why "you" need to see this Mr. Rockwell, when suddenly a bunch of raiders start killing people. And then I'm thinking about that happening, and the next second you wake up from a coma.

Maybe more history on this York place that you've created, and motivation for your character to see this man would benefit. In addition to adding a little bit of "fluff" to the story to slow it down as well.

would you like me to write it over

Sorry that I was overly critical of your writing. It's your story with which you can do whatever you like.

not bad i will read part 2

I will if you want me to I wasnt being smart-elicly

You got a good base, but you should add a little more detail since you do jump around a bit.

It is a little rushed.

i'm working on the second part and its going to be better.