Run Away -First fallout write,Criticism is wanted-

Post » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:06 pm

-.-This story contains the killing of children,reader discretion is advised-.-









Run Away..Don't look back and don't turn around..just run.


Location:Somewhere in the wastes
Time:11:19pm
Date:11,06,2277


A caucasian boy around 13 with a 'normal' type of haircut is sitting on a destroyed car,a blank look on his face,he stands around 5'8 wearing a tattered and dirty wasteland wanderer outfit moddelled for his size,he's sitting around a fire with a lazer rifle beside him aswell as a backpack.A dog is also by the fire,accompanying him in the wastes.This boy's name,is Kevin.

But that is not where his story starts,it starts,in a cave,gone are the past owners of this cave,they were either killed by raiders,the wasteland's enviroment or captured by slavers and forced to live a life of [censored],serving some rich man while getting half beaten to death for doing something wrong,that is what Kevin thinks,anywho.Kevin's story,starts now.

Location:An abndoned cavern somewhere in the wastes
Time:9:21am
Date:24,05,2277


Kevin is sitting on a dirty,tattered and ripped up couch wearing a pre-war child outfit,a black and red striped shirt,a pair of jeans rolled up to the ankles and a pair of Hi-top sneakers,all of the items of clothings stunk and were dirty,all of which Kevin looted from and old house destroyed by time and bombs in the wastes.Kevin just turned 13 today,and is waiting for his friends to come in and wish him a happy birthday.One small African boy with a 'shaved' type of hair,he looked as if he was 7 or 8,noone really knew him,he did'nt even know his own name,but everyone called him Koda,walked in wearing a tatty,dirty,and ripped in places wasteland commoner outfit carrying a badly wrapped present that was in the shape of a sort of rifle.

"H-Happy Birthday Kevin.."Stuttered Koda as he handed him the present.

"Hey,thanks Koda..What is it?"Kevin asked him with a look of intent on his face.

"K-K-Kyle said you have t-to wait for him to get h-h-here.."Stuttered Koda

'Damn Kyle,I wanna open it now' Kevin thought

"Sure,we'll wait for Kyle then."Kevin said trying to keep his 'Happy Face' on.

Koda slowly walked towards him and sat on the couch with him,Koda looked around the room,he saw a few couches,a rotting wood table and a computer chair,most of them were broken but the children of this abandoned cave did'nt care,at least most of them did'nt,Koda continued to look around..Little Lamplight,an abandoned cavern..A good place for a home Kevin thought.A few minutes of silence passed and a boy around 14 walked in wearing a black leather jacket and a yellow dirty pair of shorts with no shoes on walked in,holding some jet in his hand,his hair was a bad attempt at the raider mohawk,his sloped to one side and was'nt as long as theirs.

"Your here Kyle..Finally..Where's everyone else?"Asked Kevin.

"And wheres my present?"Kevin asked with an angry look on his face as glared at Kyle.

Kyle took a seat on the computer chair scratched the side of his head and looked at Kevin.

"Most of them are out looting,and Jim's on gate duty..and your present..I'll give you your present after.."

Kevin nodded and smiled a bit,when gun shots were heard,some yelling and more gun shots,a scream was then heard.Kyle stood up and ran towards the Brawl,at least thats what he thought it was.Kevin stood up with a quizzical look on his face,Koda sat there,scared.Kevin looked at him.

"Stay here Koda..I'm gonna check it out."Kevin said as he ran after Kyle.

"Kyle..Wait!"Kevin shouted while running after him.

Kyle stopped and looked around the corner,a scared look creeped across his face as he searches his leather jacket pocket for his scoped 44. magnum,he pulled it out shaking.Kevin could not see what was there as he was still catching up,a gunshot was heard,but it was'nt Kyle's gun..Billy caught up with Kyle,he was on the ground,a bullet in his forehead and his gun laying in the pool of blood beside him,Kevin looked around the corner and spotted a group of raiders,killing the kids as they tried as hard as they could to fight back..But they could'nt..So Kevin grabbed the dead Kyle's gun.Kevin looked around at the carnage,he then looked at Kyle and ran back to Koda as fast as he could,he tripped over though and grazed his elbow,he tried to get up qickly.

Kevin then felt a numbing pain in his back he felt cold and alone,everything went black.He fell to the cold wet ground,and lay there,he heard distant voices they were so loud,yet so quiet.Finally the noises stopped..and the cold sensation was all over him now..




Kevin Died





End of Chapter 1 of Run Away


H'okay,that was my first ever Fallout 3 write,I am not new to the writing business,nor am I new to the fallout series,and I do know that my grammar,spelling,and puncuation is'nt the best,but thats where you guys come in..

Bring in the Criticism peoples.
User avatar
Darlene DIllow
 
Posts: 3403
Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:34 am

Post » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:42 pm

i think the wierd text kind of turned people off to the story, it was hard to read. Another thing is, that you jumped to the action scene very quickly and kind of killed the main character off in the beginning. After a reread of the story i kind of understood it, but it was still a little sketchy. Are you going to continue with another main character?


Edit: one last thing, don't tell anyone that your a first time writer, thats also a turnoff.
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sally R
 
Posts: 3503
Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:34 pm

Post » Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:19 am

Actually, I kinda like your "weird" text, it's somehow make the story much more... I can't find a good word to describe it. And yes it's hard to read it, but in the same time the "feeling" that came from this type of text was quite enjoyable. oh, and I also like your style of coloring the(forgot what it's called), it's make it more... well, bloodier, which by the way blend with the "feeling" I mentioned earlier. about the story, there is not much I can tell as this is only the beginning. It's refreshing and enjoyable, that's my opinion...
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DAVId Bryant
 
Posts: 3366
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:41 pm

Post » Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:50 pm

i didn't like your story! but i shouldn't say that because im not a good writer myself
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Silencio
 
Posts: 3442
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2007 11:30 pm

Post » Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:30 pm

Thanks,I'll change the font,and the next chapter will come soon,explaining the first chapter,as the first chapter is more of a prolouge to the story.Thats what I was going for.
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Reanan-Marie Olsen
 
Posts: 3386
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:12 am

Post » Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:11 am

Creepy. I mean, three children in an abandoned, cold, dark cavern in the middle of the wasteland. Not to mention one is a raider child, and the other one stutters. Kind of a horror story to me...But, still, pretty good. But creepy :ahhh: Also can I use that Kyle kid for a story, where he tries to be a raider?
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Theodore Walling
 
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Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2007 12:48 pm

Post » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:09 pm

BEST.....READ......EVER!!!!
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courtnay
 
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Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:49 pm


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