All right my first attempt at a fanfic or whatever it is, more like the style of the Buffy the bowgirl stories except no internal voice... my first story is testing the writing and so far I like the character expect the sequel tomorrow. if you don't think this fits lore perfectly please don't waste your time reading it I think it fits well, yes its unlikely but in a world of gates to hell, dragon gods, disappearing dwarves, black skinned red eyed elves and Patrick Stuart as emperor I think anything is possible...
I chose this character not because of him being an Ayleid but I really enjoy his sarcastic, snide and arrogant attitude it starts to show later on more as at first I'm just setting up the story but he's quite the hot head.

--Episode 1--
Searin Dol-Sacrelith was an Ayleid, He was one of the few members of a dead race They had no hope to rebuild or even survive... but he didnt know that. Searin Dol-Sacrelith lived in ignorance and in his case ignorance was bliss. Searin lived in Mackentela, which was a large secluded Ayleid settlement in Blackwood far from any Imperial forts or towns, the inhabitants of Mackentela where free to wander near the ruins to farm, hunt or just to get fresh air, but it was forbidden by decree of the High-Priest and the King to wander more than 2 miles from the settlement. Both the High-Priest and the King knew of the extent of the Ayleids fall from power and the strength of the empire that would see them dead if they were ever discovered but the secret was theres alone. The citizens of Mackentela thought that the Ayleid empire was weakened surely but nothing unrecoverable, surely the simple slaves will be put down soon, they thought after all they where Ayleids and the Ayleids where the most powerful race ever to walk Nirn. The Ayleids ability to remain hidden was not by chance but by a covenant with the Daedric Lords above all Azura who took pity on these Ayleids during the fall of their empire and has since then protected them...

I groaned, "By Azura I'll never master conjuration. Its hopeless I have no talent at all!"

"Nonsense Searin! You are one of my most gifted students. It is a testament to your skill that we are already attempting your first summoning. Scamps may be weak Daedra but summoning them is a challenge for all beginners!" said Master Kerendya.

"I dont give a damn what other beginners can or cant do! I'm not other beginners! I snarled and threw a fireball into the wall.

Master Kerendya smirked, "You seem to be quite adept at destruction at least." She said with a quite chuckle.

"Forgive my outburst Master it will not happen again,"" I mumbled.

"I doubt that Searin, you posses many amazing abilities but control of your emotions is not one of them. This lesson will pick up tomorrow it is time for the Service to our Lady Azura."

"Of course Master" I said. I started down the halls towards the rooftop exit where the service was held every night under the stars when I spotted a familiar face heading in the same direction as me.

"Hail Honored Prince" I said with a smile.

"Hail Mage" the prince said. And with that we both began to laugh.

"Are we not beyond such formalities old friend?""asked the prince.

"But Prince Calandril must be addressed with the utmost respect." I said grinning.

"Come we will be late and Id prefer if you didnt leave people with a bad impression of yourself right after you have come of age." Said Prince Calandril

"As you command my Prince.""I said jokingly. When we reached the service we bid each other goodbye as we were seated in different areas for the service. Prince Calandril sat in the front with the rest of the nobles while I was sat in the back with the workers and peasants; I was of the lowest Caste and only allowed to learn magic because of my friendship with the prince. I drifted through most of the service without paying attention as I had been through it every day of his life since birth without exception as was required by the High-Priest but I was forced to rise to my feet and break my day dream by the priest

"Now if I may ask all to raise and bow your heads in prayer, it is under the stars that we are closest to our lady Azura and here that we send to her our thanks and prayers." As I bowed my head my vision was blurred and as I closed my eyes and my head was filled with images, I felt myself begin to fall but had no power to stop myself. As I hit the ground and felt my consciousness slip away I began to see what appeared to be the Lady Azura herself. Though she wasn't moving her lips he could hear her say "Your Destiny lies beyond the confines of Mackentela, go and your destiny will reveal itself." I could feel myself slipping deeper into sleep and I felt Azura start to slip from my vision, but I didn't fight sleep sounded good to me then? very good.

I woke about an hour later and saw my friend Calandril standing faithfully over my side. I felt the anger rise in my chest. Was I some sort of child? I practiced the exercise Master Kerendya taught me, first I looked at it from an outside view then I looked at the problem rationally. Calandril was being a good friend, and if I was interpreting my vision correctly I was going to need many more of them.

"My friend?" I asked "how quickly could you raise a small fighting force?"

He looked at me puzzled "What for?"

"I have had a vision from the lady Azura our time is at hand we will put down the dissident slaves once and for all!" I exclaimed. "It is pre-ordained by the Lord Azura herself!""

"You have never led me astray before my friend. I will do what I can?but my father will never allow it.""He said, but I could tell by his expression he was already taken by the idea of leaving "And those who leave never return." He said almost as an afterthought.

"The Lord Azura has spoken to me, who am I to defy her will." I smirked "Besides we will have a force of Ayleid warriors with us putting down a few slaves will be no problem at all.""

"Meet me at the doors at midnight tomorrow I will have your warriors, for the time being you need your rest.""

He nodded solemnly at me and was off. I thought about what was about to happen as I drifted to sleep and just before I was fully asleep I thought I saw the Lord Azura again but all I saw in her eyes was disapproval and sorrow for what was to come.

This looks good so far, it would be easier to read if you added an extra space between paragraphs though. I have the flu, and would like to come back and re-read this when I feel better, my comments seem to suffer when I am sick, lol. I saw several lines I'd like to quote for being really well written - I'll tackle that later when I am feeling better. Sorry. Keep up the great work !

I just saw the spacing and quotes got all messed up when i copy and pasyed from word all fixed now though =P

That will help a lot, thank you !!!


In the 4th paragraph, you may want to change "through" to "threw"


Your detail and tags are great, good dialogue too! I liked everything in it except the first paragraph (where you are telling that he has no hope but doesn't know it yet - that is the first thing the reader sees, and it is a bit of a turn off to reading the story, you may want to change that first paragraph to one that will encourage the reader to keep reading)

Other than that first paragraph I think it is great, keep writing !!!

sounds interesting, the main charecter seems a little cardboard so far

Searin's personality shines more later on, and the first paragraph is supposed to sorta foreshadow that he wont be bringing back the ayleid empire... its just this guys adventures, any comments would be great this is my first fan fic and id really appreciate feedback next episode probably tommorow and theyl be more emotion i swear!

Interesting stuff, Searak, and very good for a first fan-fic. I try to research lore to know if what I'm writing is in line with what happened, but I don't tend to let that stop me. I know that annoys some people, and it might help that I'm writing a parody, and there are few sacred cows in parody. We all have different perspectives, so, to me, as long as a story doesn't completely undo the lore, it's ok to take liberties. Others will surely disagree, but that's my stance at least -- so don't worry about critisism from me on that score.

I'm going to point out a few errors that stood out to me, but please don't take offense. I'm not trying to be critical for the sake of being critical, but to be helpful. And please keep in mind that this is very good stuff for a first fan-fic!
Ok, as to the particulars.
First, I noticed some run-ons -- generally distinct thoughts seperated only by a comma. Try breaking them up a bit more.

This would read much better like this:


Run-ons can be tricky, but the best way to address them is to break the sentence whenever it seems like two potentially distinct thoughts. For instance, the first sentence is describing what race Searin belongs to; the second focuses more on the race itself than Searin.
Oh, and you'll notice I also disposed of the third use of the word "Mackentela"; that helps the story flow a bit more, as we don't get tripped up on a word used so many times in such a short space. That's an easy "mistake" to make (heaven knows, I make it all the time ), but one to look out for.

This runs into my next comment -- watch your punctuation. Take, for example:

There are more run-ons here, and also a few places where your punctuation is off (probably just oversights, but I thought I should point them out all the same).

Again, these are not earth-shattering mistakes, and certainly the sorts of things all writers have struggled with. They're just things to be aware of and watch for, particularly when you proofread. When a thought continues, but a pause is necessary, use a comma. Don't forget quotation marks at the end of a sentence, even an exclamation, etc.

These, as I say, are little nits. Overall, your dialogue and writing is interesting. It does tend to move a bit fast, particularly the pieces with the prince. Some of it seems a little less than believable...but, again, more realism is something I expect would come with more practice at writing.
So, I know I am "picking on" a lot of points, but only out of a hope of being helpful. Trust me that my early writing had plenty wrong with it, too (and I'm sure there's enough wrong with my current writing ); but, like most things, you only get better by practicing. I will be back to continue reading new chapters, and, if they are useful to you, to offer pointers.
Thanks for writing, and I look forward to more of Searin's adventures!

@Rachel the Breton
Thank you very much that is exactly what im looking for. Il fix the gramatical errors as soon as i can and work on slowing it down some, I sorta have an urge to pump the first 3 episodes out quickly as they are the backround and are there to set up the backstory of Searin but i really do want it to be an adventure in itself and not just boring reading to get to know him. once again thanks for the great advice :foodndrink:

Ok this one picks up right where the last one left off, i promise theres a fight in this one. I tryed to showcase Searins darker side more here, this should be the last one setting up the backstory after this we get into the main adventure :woot:

--Episode 2?
I drifted through the next day rather quickly, anything that would have normally irritated me, which was quite a lot usually, seemed petty and insignificant. After all, I was Searin Dol-Sacrelith and I was chosen by our Lord Azura soon even Prince Calandril would bow before me. I knew I was resentful of my friend the prince; even though he had given me so much there was a part of me that hated him. I was a much more powerful mage than he was yet he received better trainers, why? Because he was the prince and I was but a poor peasant, the very fact that I was allowed to learn magic was a testament to his devotion to me and our friendship, I knew this and appreciated it but I hated that I needed the help.

But now was not the time for such thoughts, it was nearing midnight and the Prince was to provide the soldiers. I waited impatiently near the entrance, Calandril arrived at a half past midnight, he brought with him seven warriors wearing shining armor, untarnished by battle and two priests of Azura. One of the priests I recognized as Destris, I knew of him only through talk of his repeated reprimands from his superiors for rebellious behavior and questioning of the laws set down by the High-Priest. I also had heard rumors of his tremendous skill as a summoner. The rest looked young and untrained, but if it is the Lord Azura's will I shall lead these men, I thought to myself. Then something caught my eye, a bright gleam.

"Prince Calandril, you wear the Jewel of Mackentela! That ring signifies your rule as king! Does King Perind still live?" I asked

"Aye my father is alive but only barely, his days are numbered and he is only able minded for brief periods. As his only son I am charged with the task of ruling Mackentela until he is to pass and I may be named king." He said solemnly.

I stole one last covetous look at the signet ring on the Prince's finger and quickly focused my attention elsewhere. I surveyed the men once more, they all looked confident and resolved upon the task at hand, and one was even comfortable enough with the idea of hunting down rebellious slaves to jokingly call it a boar hunt.

"The time for words is behind us." I said quietly "The Lord Azura commands it." I added. I started to begin walking when I realized I had no idea where to go, I closed my eyes for guidance from Azura but none came. I opened them to see the men staring at me expectantly.

"My friend is something wrong?" asked Calandril.

""No, nothing is wrong. Our Lady has spoken to me, and by her light our path is clear,"" I lied

I was immediately afflicted with a splitting pain in my head, due to what seemed like a hiss of anger from nowhere. But I was resolved in my course and a small inconvenience such as a headache was a small burden to carry, most likely it was a result of being so close to the divinity of Azura. I began to trudge straight through the woods and continued to do so for hours.

Then we saw it. My first reaction was to smirk. So this was where the slaves had held themselves up? The tower, that I now know is called Fort Larsus, was horrid at best compared to the magnificent architecture of my home. It looked as sturdy as a tower of cards to me. I grinned in anticipation of how easy the upcoming fight was to be. Then my breath caught in my throat. For slaves they were very well armed and wearing very well crafted armor. There armor was also very well worn and served as a testament to the fighting these men had experienced. There were four of them guarding the entrance. I turned to my men.

"We will not reveal our numbers until we are committed to battle; we will give them a chance to surrender themselves to us first. Destris and you two come with me." I said pointing at two of the Swordsman. "The rest of you stay hidden."

As we approached them Destris took a spot next to me. He looked at me fiercely "What is this?" he hissed, we are hunting slaves not trained warriors." He hissed.

"Armed slaves is all they are." I muttered

"Lies" he said quickly. "Look at their stance they know battle, these greenhorn swordsman will be slaughtered." He said sternly.

"We are protected by Azura no harm will come to us." I muttered unconvincingly. I dropped my hand to the silver dagger I kept with me. It was meant for aesthetics but in case of a close range attacker it would have to do.

"Greetings High Elf," Said one of the Slaves, in his primitive language, as he studied me and my men. His eyes dropped to my hand on the hilt of my blade and his hand deftly came to rest on the hilt of his blade.

"I order you to stand down." I said racking my brain trying to remember all of my lessons on the slaves native tongue.

"Is that so?" he chuckled "Boys this elf just ordered us to stand down." He called out chuckling.

I looked over at Destris and nodded, this one was very rebellious he would need to be made an example of. Before the guard could react I fired the most powerful bolt of lightning I could muster into his chest. He flew back almost five feet and landed hard on the floor. Instantly his friends where upon us. I saw Destris begin to chant while standing near the two swordsman for cover. I could hear Prince Calandril rallying the men behind me and I could hear a horn trumpeting but I couldn't move my feet. I was terrified beyond all measure, I had never thought about how frightening a real fight could be and it had just truly hit me that everyone of those guards was trying to kill me.

The Prince reached us just as the Guards reinforcements came charging from the fort. I thought I saw about twenty of them but I could have been wrong. I felt an arrow graze my right shoulder and I came to. I fell in closer to the swordsman who had formed a half circle around Me, Calandril and Destris while we cast defensive spells. The swordsmen where holding out rather well considering the numbers and had only lost three men so far. Only one guard lay dead. I began to cast a healing spell on a swordsmen who had been hit with an arrow when a brute of a man wielding a claymore decapitated him just a foot in front of me. I fired another lightning bolt into his chest but it only made him pause for a second. I could see our position was starting to crumble and I could feel myself starting to yell to retreat when I saw a swing from the brute's blade coming towards me. I dodged quickly but as I hit the floor I felt blood spatter over me.

I looked up and saw that the guard's claymore was hilt deep in Prince Calandril's chest. I pulled out my dagger and attacked him in rage, I threw all of my might into a stab to the chest and hit dead center above the heart. I waited to feel the beast's blood wash over my hand, wanting to savor it when I opened my eyes and realized the blade didn't even cut him, it was stuck in his armor. He looked at me and smiled savagely. He dropped the blade still impaled in my friends chest and slashed me with a shortsword that was tied to his belt. The cut was deep and I fell to the ground next to Calandril's dead body. I felt hot tears roll down my face as I slid off the Prince's signet ring. I would be damned if these monsters would have it. I rolled over and began to try to crawl away when a heavy boot connected with the back of my head.
Then the world went black.

Well, welcome to writing fanfic! I was humbled to hear that my own thread had an inspirational effect on you, and was honored that you PM'd me asking for a critique.

You certainly have some talent. Your character is interesting and avoids the traps of 'uberness' - that is he is rife with personality quirks and does not win every fight. Very nice start.

Rachel has provided you some detailed thoughts on your first installment. Let me try to mention a couple thoughts on your second.


* Trends:

Speech tag punctuation. I recommend you study up on this http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page25.html(or any other) about them. Then consider some changes in how you punctuate them.

Be careful overusing 'I'. Especially, look for starting too many sentences with it (hard to do with first person narrative, I know). Take a look at your last paragraph for example.

Read aloud. This can help you pick up things that just don't sound quite right. Often, a minor punctuation change is all that is needed. For example (and don't overlook putting a period at the end of the sentence of course, as well):
"No nothing our Lady has spoken to me, by her light our path is clear." I lied
You might consider several minor changes here: "No, nothing is wrong. Our Lady has spoken to me, and by her light our path is clear," I lied.

The forum format makes it easy to create a sense of 'wall of text'. Your last paragraph is perhaps too long, visually, for optimal forum presentation. Consider keeping para lengths shorter than that last one.


* Ok, just some specific minor error notes, to give you a feel of what to look for when you edit your story:

I felt and {an} arrow graze my right shoulder and I came to. I fell in closer to the swordsman {swordsmen} who had formed a half circle around Me {me} , Calandril and Destris while we casted {cast} defensive spells.

The swordsman {swordsmen} where {were} holding out rather well

I saw a swing from the brutes {brute's} blade coming towards me.

I waited to feel the beasts {beast's} blood wash over my hand,

I felt hot tears roll down my face as I slid off the Princes {Prince's} signet ring.



I know this is a lot to digest, but I assure you none of it overly detracts from a fine story. I hope you will continue. :foodndrink:

@ Acadian
thanks for the help! puncutation is my weak suit, always has been and some stuff gets jumbled when i take it from word. il work on figuring out ways to use less I's when writing, i noticed it but couldnt figure out a solution and i was already halfway through =/