seven bullets

Post » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:08 am

Hiya guys this is a fanfic I made today, I would greatly enjoy opinions and feel free to nitpick. :laugh:


He stayed low, hidden in the scrub, his rifle next to him; he had a small tin box, it had a picture of some chubby looking cartoon kid and some writing on it, of course Callum was illiterate, being brought up in the kingdom of Tom. Apparently Rosie was much better at ruling than any other ruler of the kingdom of Tom. Inside the tin box was a collection of things that he needed for the time at hand, 8 rounds for his rifle, a couple painkillers wrapped in cloth and a kitchen knife. These were all he needed for now. Some stupid wastelander had surrounded his base camp with landmines, only he hadn’t even tried to hide them and one of them was right next to a tree, it was dry, perfect firewood. This base was obviously new. The wastelander was right in front of the tree, If Callum could get the tree down then he would have injured, if not outright killed the wastelander with one bullet, this was why his rifle was pointed towards, the landmine near the tree, it was a crazy idea, but it might work, if he missed he could always try again, he had seven chances, although he wasn’t sure if the wastelander would wake up. He wanted to wait for a sound that would mask his gunshot. Callum wasn’t happy about doing this, but he hadn’t eaten in 10 days and he was starting to feel the effects. Then he heard a sound, it was a clicking noise a pistol being cocked, Callum rolled over just as a bullet smashed into his left arm, it was lucky he rolled over because if he had stayed where he was the bullet would have pierced his chest. Callum howled in pain as his attacker kneeled down and pushed the pistol against his forehead, his attacker cackled and Callum got a full blast of his foul breath, Callum had never experienced such pain, he could see two exact clones of the attacker, Callum’s eyes drifted shut, there was a loud bang, louder than the sound of the vertibird crash, then silence, dark, warm, silence.

Callum dreamed of the crash, when he had seen it from afar, he was in a hazy dream-like state so he just got flashes of what he remembered most, the smoking wreck, now he was standing in front of it, the screams of it’s passengers echoed through his skull, he had pulled one of them out of the wreckage, he had tried to grab what seemed to be an arm, sticking out from the underside, he had pulled and it had come clean off, a severed arm, he had wretched at that point, the third passenger was screaming in the front “I can’t feel my [censored] legs” he had cried, he began sobbing, crying, whining like an injured dog. The one he had recued, mike his name was, said that there was a fire and that it could explode at any second, that they had to get away. Callum had silently obeyed. “Please no, you cowards help me” The third passenger began crying and coughing up blood, crying up blood was how Callum envisioned it, they ran a to safe distance, then they watched and waited, it took too long to explode, they would have had time to rescue him, only they never did, they agreed to head back, when BOOM the vertibird exploded, ironically they found the still intact head of the third man, a silent scream embedded on his face, this was the fullest part of him they could find, they found none of the other man. Mike had been from the NCR, travelling from, the west to the republic of Rosie, where they had contacts when they had been hit by some kind of electromagnetic-pulse. There vertibird had crashed, seven miles west of where it’s destination was. Callum had pointed him in the right direction then headed off, to Canterbury commons. I was now a year later, and the third pilot’s untimely demise, the screams, the insults, the begging, the crying, still echoed solemnly around his head.
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Spaceman
 
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Post » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:43 pm

Okay, it was okay. There are some problems: it's confusing, improper use of grammar, lack of detail, a "quickly tells us and move on instead of slowing down and showing us" attitude. I'll show you what I mean so this can be more of use:

He stayed low, hidden in the scrub, his rifle next to him; he had a small tin box, it had a picture of some chubby looking cartoon kid and some writing on it, of course Callum was illiterate, being brought up in the kingdom of Tom. Apparently Rosie was much better at ruling than any other ruler of the kingdom of Tom. Inside the tin box was a collection of things that he needed for the time at hand, 8 rounds for his rifle, a couple painkillers wrapped in cloth and a kitchen knife.


Okay first off, way too many commas. I like them too buddy, but there's a time and place for everything. Next, see the line I made bold? This is what I mean by confusing, it seems like a completely random thought. We know nothing about this Kingdom and yet your throwing us information that seems like we should understand? Not only does that pop out of nowhere, but the next sentence you continue on like nothing happened. That's like talking to someone, getting punched in the face, then continue on the conversation like nothing happened. My advice would be to:

A.) Get rid out it.

B.) Expand on it.

Option "A" is preferred, but both options would work. Depends on how you want the story to flow. I'm just going to re write that real quick to show how I would do it.

He stayed low, hidden in the bush, his rusty rifle next to him. He clutched a worn tin box, on top it had a picture of some chubby looking cartoon kid and some writing on it. Being brought up in the Kingdom of Tom, Callum was illiterate. Ignoring the writing he flipped opened the lid and smiled at the contents. Inside were just things he needed: Eight rounds for his rifle, a couple painkillers wrapped in cloth, and a well worn kitchen knife.

That's how I would write it, but that's just my opinion. The following action scene seems to be disconnected, what I mean is that it's like your talking to your friend of what happened instead of it actually happening.

If Callum could get the tree down then he would have injured, if not outright killed the wastelander with one bullet, this was why his rifle was pointed towards, the landmine near the tree, it was a crazy idea, but it might work, if he missed he could always try again, he had seven chances, although he wasn’t sure if the wastelander would wake up. He wanted to wait for a sound that would mask his gunshot. Callum wasn’t happy about doing this, but he hadn’t eaten in 10 days and he was starting to feel the effects. Then he heard a sound, it was a clicking noise a pistol being cocked, Callum rolled over just as a bullet smashed into his left arm, it was lucky he rolled over because if he had stayed where he was the bullet would have pierced his chest. Callum howled in pain as his attacker kneeled down and pushed the pistol against his forehead, his attacker cackled and Callum got a full blast of his foul


The first part, the one I underlined, is all one sentence. That's crazy long, a sign of too many commas. Second part, the one I made bold. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds(not trying to be mean)?Your in a wasteland waiting for something to mask a gunshot. I don't know if you ever fired a gun before, but it's a little bit loud. If there was anything close but to mask the sound, why, I would be way more worried about that then the one wastlander in front of a tree. Speaking of silly things, why doesn't he just shoot the wastelander? Instead of shooting a land mine(small target) next to a tree so that the tree falls(small chance) on him? I bet you have a logically reason, but I don't see it. Finally the italicized part, that's not an actual word, better read "knelt" or "dropped to his knees".

Well, that's all I got for now.
Intruiging intro, love to see were you take this. And you might want to space the paragraphs out some more. Remember if you don't like my advice, just message me to stop and I'll just give messages like: "Good Job!", "Damn good chapter!", "Awesome, can't wait for more!". And generic things like that.

Edit: Better word choices.
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Heather M
 
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Post » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:03 pm

Callum wasn’t happy about doing this, but he hadn’t eaten in 10 days and he was starting to feel the effects.

Don't you think he'd start to feel the effects by day 2? Yttrium already touched on everything else. Just keep it in mind if you do another installment.

By the way, nice name.
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jess hughes
 
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Post » Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:05 pm

Thanks guys, this the kind of constructive criticism I wanted. I know my writing isn't perfect so I made this to see what other peoples opinions were. :laugh:
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Katy Hogben
 
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Post » Mon Jan 17, 2011 12:47 am

whoops double post my bad
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alicia hillier
 
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