Shadowscale of the Deadra: The Birth of A Deadric Prince : The Elder Scrolls Series Discussion

» Tue May 17, 2011 10:09 am

It is the beginning of the fourth era.
Blackrose, Argonia.

It is a dark night,the stars of the Shadow are dim above. For the clans at Blackrose, their general has died from Dunmeri blight as he was fighting off house Dren invaders at Thorn.
However heavy cracks start to appear on an abandoned egg. When this baby shadow scale hatches, much joy comes from the clans at Blackrose.The next morning, it is a lively day at Blackrose. The waterways are filled with many boatmen, as they are carrying citizens to their destination.The great Nerevarine, Dia Arzu comes to pick up a order made to a trader named Hathvilian Dren, a dunmer. When at his trade house, Dia Arzu asks to pick up a baby Shadowscale egg.
"Greetings slug!" yells Hathvialian.
" Your dunmeri attitude truley is sad, due to the fact I am the savior of your homeland fool!"
"Ah, my apologies your honor, let me get the egg, and maybe I can give you a great discount."

While Hathvilian rushes upstairs, he sees the egg has hatched, out came a Black heavy-pied argonian shadowscale. Knowing that this can strike himself a fortune Hathvialian decides to go to his summer home in Tear,Morrawind. He recalls their with his moderate knowledge of arcane arts. He goes to the local slave master and sells this rare shadow scale. Hathvialian becomes rich, 50,000 drakes is given to him for this remarkable specimen.
Meanwhile Dia Arzu raids Hathvialians trade house and finds what he did.
"By Nerevars soul, that foul smelling ape is selling the argonian, seems as he hatched to early"

'' Whats this, oh no, a mark of Obivion on his egg shell, more so He is the the Deadric Prince of Destruction. He must be the reincarnation of Dagon himself. So the day has come. Nirn can be utterly obliterated, now that a Deadric prince walks on our realm, I must kill him! Where did I put my Yokudan katana, okay Im all set I must go now!''

That night Dia Arzu leaves Blackrose he quickly finds himself being honored by Hists, then he arrives in Helstrom. The same time the baby shadowscale vanishes and a record braking storm falls over Tamriel. Horrible events occur, White Gold Tower falls, as the Emperor Ocato dies in it, so does his sons, only left is the Empress, who must now rule Cyrodill until she dies, at that time she was in the Summerset Isles, visiting her parents. News from Skyrim comes when Vast avalanches occur in central Skyrim, wiping out many heretics and adventures. Vvardenfell is plagued by Red mountain erupting, house Rederon is completly wiped out but their newest little village on an island outside Gnisis.A massive Tsunami floods the Gold Coast. In Valenwood, nonstop rain occurs. In Elsweyr, the deserts are greatly flooded, killing many tribes.High Rock and Hammerfell suffer greatly due to Tsunami's and earth quakes.Finally in the Summersets Oblivion opens once again, being thought never to open to open again. Destruction is raining upon Nirn. Even The Padomeic Ocean delivers hell in Akivir. Suddenly The world of Nirn realizes the only safe haven to be free of destruction, Black Marsh.

The baby Shadowscale sleeps quitly, as the world suffers.....from his being.

Next Chapter-Shadowscale of the Deadra:The Battle at Thorn

» Tue May 17, 2011 9:08 am

Please give feed back, I know this was very short, as it was only a introduction. I am expecting to make the next chapters longer and more bloodier.

» Tue May 17, 2011 12:48 am

Alright, let's try this again.

Greetings, my friend, and welcome to the wonderful world of Elder Scrolls fan fiction :celebration: Before I say anything more, I would like to point you to an excellent http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1074182-beginners-guide-to-writing-narratives/page__p__15622022&#entry15622022 geared specifically towards writers just starting out. I do apologize for the incomplete nature of the guide, the author has run into some problems lately and has been busy with a multitude of other things. However, the first part should be more than enough to get you started, explaining a few things about writing in general. If you take anything away from it, please let it be this: writing should be fun, it should be exciting, but it also takes practice. Just like any other skill or hobby, you don't become great overnight. However, this doesn't mean that the only way to get better is by spending hours at the keyboard writing stories. Just reading some of your favorite books is enough to get your mind focused on writing, and if you read the story as a writer, anolyzing the plot and use of characters and descriptions, you might learn more from a simple adventure book than you thought

But enough of that, what you came here for was some good ol' criticism, and I've got that in spades

It is the beginning of the fourth era.
Blackrose, Argonia.

Stop right there! Before you go any further with your story, we need to look at the potential problems with those ten simple words. When delivering the setting of your story, the most important thing to remember is the audience's immersion (the feeling like you are right there in the story). The main goal of any writer is to get their story across in a fun and exciting manner that makes people want to read it. And by and far the best way of doing this is connecting with the reader, making them feel for the characters and the story. So how do we make the audience connect with the story? Put them in the hero's shoes, make them feel like they're right there in the story.

Think, for a moment, about movies. At its heart, a movie is a lot like a book, wouldn't you say? Both are telling a story with characters, plot, etc. Both have things they are trying to get across, but they do it in very different ways. Primarily, movies have screens that show the story while books only have words to work with. So, how do books make up for not having pictures to show the audience what's going on? The immerse the reader into the story; what the writer can't directly describe they let the reader's imagination make up.

The main goal of writers is to immerse the reader into their story. They do this with realistic characters, good descriptions, and believable settings. Every story has to take place somewhere, and it's much easier for the reader to imagine what the story looks like if they know what the backdrop for the story is. In fan fiction, we have the unique advantage of our audience knowing already what the setting is: somewhere in Tamriel. So, all we have to tell them is where and when, then describe that where and when so they know exactly what is going on.

Saying "It is the beginning of the fourth era" does this, but there is one problem with it: it breaks the immersion of the story. The main rule of immersion is that you can't address the audience directly. You are the narrator, and everything that is written in your story besides dialogue is told to the audience by the narrator. The narrator acts as the screen showing the audience what is going on: how the characters look, how they sound, and even sometimes how they smell. However, the narrator has to be sneaky, he can't just come right out and say things, he has to make it sound like the reader is right there watching everything unfold. I'm sure you've read a book before that's done this, it catches your attention and draws you in so much that it feels like you are right there next to the characters. That is your goal as a writer.

So, instead, why not try something a bit less obtrusive? What you've done is a tried and tested trick, and it works wonderfully well. I used the exact same device in my own story, but the main difference is a subtle one. Instead of "It is the beginning of the fourth era", why not try "4E 3; Blackrose, Argonia"? It's a small difference, but the small things count in storytelling.

It is a dark night,the stars of the Shadow are dim above. For the clans at Blackrose, their general has died from Dunmeri blight as he was fighting off house Dren invaders at Thorn.
However heavy cracks start to appear on an abandoned egg. When this baby shadow scale hatches, much joy comes from the clans at Blackrose.The next morning, it is a lively day at Blackrose. The waterways are filled with many boatmen, as they are carrying citizens to their destination.The great Nerevarine, Dia Arzu comes to pick up a order made to a trader named Hathvilian Dren, a dunmer. When at his trade house, Dia Arzu asks to pick up a baby Shadowscale egg.
"Greetings slug!" yells Hathvialian.
" Your dunmeri attitude truley is sad, due to the fact I am the savior of your homeland fool!"
"Ah, my apologies your honor, let me get the egg, and maybe I can give you a great discount."

Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. You've just told me about five important things in the space of one chapter. When you write them it may make sense to you, but when the audience reads those sentences they do it in just a few seconds. You need to get your backstory across, it too is a part of the setting for your story, but you need to do it in an exciting, understandable way. And the first thing to keep in mind is that the audience doesn't have to be told everything that is going on in the story. Your story should focus on one character, the protagonist, and the conflicts that happen to him/her. If it is not directly related to your protagonist, don't put it in your story.

The next two things to keep in mind with this kind of introduction are two literary elements I like to call "show, don't tell" and pacing. "Show, don't tell" is an old saying writers use to remind themselves on the manner in which they write. What you've done so far is more like telling, summarizing a lot of information into a small space without really describing it to us in detail. Telling sounds more like reading the summary of a story than the real story, it condenses things to the point that the reader practically skips over them. Showing, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. To show an event, you need to go into detail about it. Describe everything about it, show it to us as if we were there watching it.

The difference between showing and telling is like the difference between watching a movie and reading the summary online. Both get the plot across, but which is more fun? Watching the movie, of course. Which means that you want to show your story to your readers, instead of just summarizing it to them. You say that the shadowscale's birth gave the clans much joy, but that really doesn't describe their joy to us. The main goal of describing an event, the main purpose of showing is to paint a picture in the reader's mind. What makes a bigger impact? If I told you that the sun was setting over Tamriel, or if I told you that "The sky was streaked with the purple and yellow stripes of dusk as the fading disc that was the sun sunk lower and lower into the green hills of Tamriel". Both tell the reader the same thing, but the latter gives a much more vibrant image, and this sticks with the reader and immerses them into the story.

You'll inevitably hear more about "show, don't tell" later, but for now I'll move on to pacing. Pacing is how fast the story reads. Like I said before, it takes much less time for the audience to read a sentence than it does for you to write it. You need to slow the pace down, so the readers have a chance to register the information you are giving them. Ah, this brings up the prickly question of just how does a writer do such a thing? It's actually not too difficult once you get the hang of it, you'll be surprised at how good you'll become at pacing in just a few short months.

The main principle of pacing is this: longer, more descriptive sentences take longer to read than short, choppy ones. Going back to "show, don't tell", showing slows down the pace by giving much more detailed description, while telling speeds the pace up with a quick summary of events. Telling can be useful when you want to skip over something boring without wasting too much time on it. It's rather pointless to spend five paragraphs telling me about your character eating breakfast, so we use telling to skip to more exciting, more important parts.

"Bob the warrior finally slayed the foul beast," is much faster of a pacing than "Bob valiantly stood against the creature, sword shining in the torchlight, sweat glistening on his brow. With one final swing he finished the creature, blood spurting from the wound as the triumphant warrior held up its head as his trophy". Given, the second takes longer to write, but once again it paints a much better picture for the reader, and makes the audience feel more like they're "right there".

While Hathvilian rushes upstairs, he sees the egg has hatched, out came a Black heavy-pied argonian shadowscale. Knowing that this can strike himself a fortune Hathvialian decides to go to his summer home in Tear,Morrawind. He recalls their with his moderate knowledge of arcane arts. He goes to the local slave master and sells this rare shadow scale. Hathvialian becomes rich, 50,000 drakes is given to him for this remarkable specimen.
Meanwhile Dia Arzu raids Hathvialians trade house and finds what he did.
"By Nerevars soul, that foul smelling ape is selling the argonian, seems as he hatched to early"

Once again, you are telling us way too much stuff in just one paragraph. Slow down, have some fun with it, and describe the scene to us. First and foremost we need to know what the characters look like. It is a key part of getting to know the character, which in turn is probably the most important part of immersion. Describing your characters, both physically and mentally, to the audience is known as characterization, and it is one of the most important skills a writer can have. Well rounded characters are key to a great story, while boring "flat" characters can destroy it.

'' Whats this, oh no, a mark of Obivion on his egg shell, more so He is the the Deadric Prince of Destruction. He must be the reincarnation of Dagon himself. So the day has come. Nirn can be utterly obliterated, now that a Deadric prince walks on our realm, I must kill him! Where did I put my Yokudan katana, okay Im all set I must go now!''

Ah, another important part of immersion is keeping your story believable. Which also means keeping your characters believable. How does this random guy know immediately that a baby is the reincarnation of Mehrunes Dagon just by a mark on his shell? If it is some kind of urban legend you need to describe it to us, make us believe it is true. How can the readers feel for characters that they can't relate to? You can't have characters that just know everything, because your readers don't know everything.

Likewise, your dialogue has to be believable. How many people do you know talk like that? It sounds like it should be dramatic, but this guy's reaction simply doesn't give off that feeling. What your writing does not say, the underlying emotions and feeling of your characters and descriptions, are often more important than what it does. You can't tell the audience everything, leave a few thing to the imagination. Obviously if this guy thinks the baby is an evil reincarnation he will kill it, you don't have to come right out and say that. You can simply describe him grabbing his sword and looking nervously at the egg.

Pick up a nearby novel, I'm certain you have something you are reading right now, right? Go to the page you are on, and pick a paragraph that has both dialogue and narration in it. Look at it for a while, and consider the stuff I just said. Does the author tell you what all is going on, or is he leaving a bit for you to figure out on your own? I'll leave that one for you to think about

That night Dia Arzu leaves Blackrose he quickly finds himself being honored by Hists, then he arrives in Helstrom. The same time the baby shadowscale vanishes and a record braking storm falls over Tamriel. Horrible events occur, White Gold Tower falls, as the Emperor Ocato dies in it, so does his sons, only left is the Empress, who must now rule Cyrodill until she dies, at that time she was in the Summerset Isles, visiting her parents.

I know this is an introduction, but that doesn't mean you need to tell us all the backstory right now. This kind of narration is telling to the extreme, it is the same kind of narrator-speaking-directly-to-the-audience thing I was talking about above. Introductions can be tricky, so be sure to study up on proper technique for writing one. It should have a good hook, and it needs to introduce the protagonist (hero) and the setting. It should describe the beginnings of the conflict that will be driving the plot. I believe I covered plot fairly in depth in that guide, I advise you take a look at it sometime

Do you still have that book with you? Flip now to the very beginning. Read the first chapter again, and look at how that author introduced their story. You should be able to tell right away who the main character is and where they are. It should introduce the plot, and give the story that edge that makes you want to keep reading. Think about this too.

Also, I'm trying not to be a stickler for grammar, because I know that too takes time, but please note the underlined portion. This is an example of a run on sentence, when a single sentence contains multiple clauses that are not directly related. A clause is any kind of idea in a sentence that has a subject and a verb. I'm sure you've heard all this in your English class, no? It can be tricky, I still struggle with grammar quite a bit, but you have to learn the rules of writing if you want to improve. Without proper grammar your story becomes hard to understand, and if your reader misunderstands something it causes significant problems.

News from Skyrim comes when Vast avalanches occur in central Skyrim, wiping out many heretics and adventures. Vvardenfell is plagued by Red mountain erupting, house Rederon is completly wiped out but their newest little village on an island outside Gnisis.A massive Tsunami floods the Gold Coast. In Valenwood, nonstop rain occurs. In Elsweyr, the deserts are greatly flooded, killing many tribes.High Rock and Hammerfell suffer greatly due to Tsunami's and earth quakes.Finally in the Summersets Oblivion opens once again, being thought never to open to open again. Destruction is raining upon Nirn. Even The Padomeic Ocean delivers hell in Akivir. Suddenly The world of Nirn realizes the only safe haven to be free of destruction, Black Marsh.

The baby Shadowscale sleeps quitly, as the world suffers.....from his being.

That was a pretty dynamic line See, I knew you had talent, there's a perfect example of it.

Next Chapter-Shadowscale of the Deadra:The Battle at Thorn

Well then, all in all I must say this is a very interesting story. You have taken two of my favorite things in Tes, shadowscales and Daedra, and combined them into one very original plot. Excellent work, I must say, though you still have quite a few things to work on. I'm sure you'll improve very quickly, and before you know it you'll be the one giving advice :goodjob:

Thank you very much for writing, and keep up the good work

» Tue May 17, 2011 9:37 am

Thanks for the help a lot. I will fix it and take in consideration to everything you told me. You might see this story longer now, and I don't have to worry about any short stuff.I do plan to make more a suspenseful storyline in my next chapter. Just give me a few hours to right it on paper, because that is what I need to work with first. thanks for everything:D

Just to let you know the protagonist is the shadowscale.
The antagonist is the dunmer, to be specific, house Dres.

And I know I still have not fixed it, sorry I can't find the time