A short story I thought of while looking at my old collection of Mega-Blocks Dragons. Comments are welcome and wanted.
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Prince Belom Voref raised his shield as a Varangian knight charged him, the Prince bashed the Varangian twice in the head with his shield and then with his sword he stabbed the Varangian in the gut ending his life. He pulled his sword out just in time as another Varangian charged him; the Prince dodged the Varangian’s every blow until the Prince was close enough to cut the Varangian’s head off.

The Prince held up his sword and yelled “For Centuria”. The Centurion warriors around him charged with renewed vigor into the Varangian line. But the Centurions were hopelessly outnumbered and soon they were surrounded, they prayed for a merciful death as the Varangians closed in on them.

But just as the Varangians held up their weapons there was a huge roar from above, everybody looked up. As high above them a huge Sky dragon dived down into the Varangian ranks killing all in its path. Prince Belom and his warriors took this to their advantage, they charged into the Varangians taking them off guard and killing them. The dragon opened its maw releasing its inferno upon the Varangians, their mighty armour serving no protection burning them alive.

However the Varangians came prepared, they had with them twelve ballista’s. The ballista’s locked on to the dragon and fired three harpoons; two of them missed their mark and landed into the Varangian lines killing men as the harpoons impaled them. But the third harpoon found its mark, the Sky dragon roared in pain as the harpoon went deeper into its chest. It crashed into the Varangians, many of whom getting killed.

Prince Belom was frozen in place as the dragon died, although the Centurions fought with their lives the Varangians were too much and overwhelmed them.

Getting should be past-tense, as the entire story is written in past-tense. You make a nice battle scene, as always, but could use some words to "liven" it up. Like the roar of the battlefeild, swords clanging against eachother, the dark cloud that hung pregnant in that sky (or whatever weather it is at that time). Also, describe their garments and the dragons, if we are going to see them in future to the story. Other that that, an enjoyable read. You've a creative mind

Thanks, yes your completely right. I'll probably edit it up a bit.

This is a improved version, comments are wanted.

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Prince Belom Voref raised his shield as a bronze-clad Varangian knight charged towards him, the Prince bashed the Varangian twice in the head with his shield and then with his sword he stabbed the Varangian in the gut ending his life. He pulled his sword out just in time as another Varangian charged him; the Prince dodged the Varangian’s every blow until the Prince was close enough to cut the Varangian’s head off, red blood skirted all over the Prince.

The Prince held up his sword and yelled “For Centuria”. The Centurion warriors around him charged with renewed vigor into the Varangian line. But the Centurions were hopelessly outnumbered and soon they were surrounded, they prayed for a merciful death as the Varangians closed in on them.

But just as the Varangians held up their weapons there was a huge roar from above, everybody looked up. As high above them a huge Sky dragon dived down into the Varangian ranks killing all in its path. Prince Belom and his warriors took this to their advantage, they charged into the Varangians taking them off guard and killing them. The dragon opened its maw releasing its inferno upon the Varangians, their mighty armour serving no protection burning them alive. The dragon grabbed a couple of Varangians in its huge mouth, as it climbed higher into the air the dragon let them go. The Varangian screamed as they fell, their fates sealed.

However the Varangians came prepared, they had with them twelve ballista’s. The ballista’s locked on to the dragon and fired three harpoons; two of them missed their mark and landed into the Varangian lines killing men as the harpoons impaled them. But the third harpoon found its mark, the Sky dragon roared in pain as the harpoon went deeper into its chest. It crashed into the Varangians, many of whom getting killed. The dragon was down but it got up and let out an inferno of fire. The Varangians screamed in pain, but the deadly harpoon had done its job. The dragon roared in pain and fell down to wake no more.

Prince Belom was frozen in place as the dragon died, although the Centurions fought with their lives the Varangians kept on coming. The Prince watched as his fellow men were cut down in front of his eyes. He yelled out one more order. “By my father we’ll teach these bastards what happens when they fight Centuria” he yelled running at the Varangians.

Where the hell did the paragraphs go?

Edit.

Well nevermind, its readable again.

Did you like it?

Better Any more to this story?

Maybe and thanks.

It's a good premise, but grammatical errors kill it for me.

Too passive. I don't feel any emotion within the writing, just a telling of events. I also don't enjoy the lack of description. What does the dragon look like? What does its roar sound like? What does the battlefield look like? What are the sights? The sounds? The smells? Why are they even fighting to begin with? Dialogue, from what little there is, seems very cheesy too.

Oh, sorry for that.


Well thanks for the advice, I wrote this story a while back anyway. But I can still edit it more.

I agree with reds, and really this is more like a couple paragraphs of a short story, we know absolutely nothing about what is going on.

I'd try to work more character and more emotion into it; action can be exciting to read, but what really grabs a reader is the human element. The first line of your first paragraph is good, but I immediately want to know who Prince Belom Voref is, not merely what he's doing. It might seem inappropriate, but a battle is exactly when we're likely to see a character's true colours.

Anyway, it seems like a good start to me. Keep writing.

Thanks, I take the advice you give seriously.

This is what I've been working on for awhile.
Note of warning, any names in here that may be from the Elder Scrolls aren't the same.

Chapter 1: The Death of King Aratan
Dorlas stood outside the door with his mother, Celebrain standing by him. He was taller than the average Imperial, and had the blonde hair and blue eyes more commonly associated with a Breton. His mother taller than average, with golden hair and brighter eyes. The aging of her face was clearer than ever, yet she had retained her beauty. They both waited anxiously, Dorlas pacing backward and forward. Celebrain simply sat; a look of hopelessness on her face.
Suddenly, the door opened. Dorlas stopped pacing and wheeled around. Celebrain simply raised her head. An aged healer stepped out of the room.

“Is he...” began Dorlas, but he was unable to finish his sentence.

For a moment, the healer said nothing. Celebrain hung her head.

“I’m sorry my lord.” the healer said “He has passed into the hall of the ancestors. May the spirits guide him.”

Dorlas reeled back in pain. His mother remained silent. He walked through the door and entered the room of his father. He lay in a white robe, laced with gold, and wore a peaceful expression as though asleep. But his father’s eyes would never open again. The consequences of his death were strange. He had fallen ill two weeks previous of a mysterious disease that’s origins were unknown. It was the belief that it was the work of the Demon Prince of Helcaraxe, but to the Imperials, he was simply known as the enemy. Dorlas did not believe them at first, but given the nature of the illness, thought that they may hold some truth. Whether curse or not, one thing was for sure, King Aratan II was dead.

“Father.” said Dorlas, able to look at him no longer. His eyes were drawn to his father’s mighty blade nearby.

“You are not ready to bare that blade.” said Celebrain, who had just stepped through the door. “Nor is it ready to be borne by you.”

“A sword I have mother, and I doubt I will ever be ready to bare it.” replied Dorlas.
But his mother, who possessed the gift of foresight said “One day, you will bare that sword, and you will have the armies of many races behind you.”

Dorlas was unsure how to take these words. His mother was wise; there was no doubt about it, but the things she saw were anything but clear. Only she really knew what her visions meant, and try as she might to explain them to him, Dorlas was unable to understand.
His father’s death could not have come at a worse time. The Kingdoms of Men, Vardenfell included, had been attacked in what was called the Dragon War, when a mighty host of dragons had emerged from Uruloki, and razed the world around them. For many years this war had lasted between men and Dragons, and the Northern Kingdom of Narda had almost been wiped out and its armies crushed until Aratan II had slain the Dragon leader with the very blade Dorlas now gazed at. Despite the victory, the once abundant wealth and strength at arms had never fully recovered. And now, after twenty five years of peace, Helcaraxe had began to thunder, and the dark clouds of smoke and fire had risen again. Something was at work in Helcaraxe, and the orcs’ raids had turned into calculated conquest. With evil stirring, many had looked to King Aratan’s guidance, and ambassadors, emissaries, nobles and other representatives had gathered to his side upon hearing of his ailment. Now he was dead, and Vardenfell was without a leader.
Dorlas watched as Celebrain gently kissed her husband, and then said “Farewell Aratan, my king and my lover. Though your death came too soon, may you live on in the halls of your fathers and guide us as we wander this world without you.”
She then turned to Dorlas.

“We should go and inform the council that King Aratan has died.”
Dorlas nodded his head and followed his mother, holding her hand and hoping that she would never let go.

MORE! An improvement. Keep up the good work buddy.

Thanks mate.

This second bit was much better than the first! There was definitely some improvement here, and this second story was much more engaging. Your characters gained more personality and were interesting, which is what makes a story fun to read. I still spotted some grammatical errors and unclear text. I'd also advise you to not center your text, it makes reading difficult - align left/justify is the way to go.


I don't know if you wanted specific error fixing, but I took the liberty of editing this first paragraph a bit to show you what I mean with "unclear text". I just pointed out the few things that bothered me the most (I admit I have a slight perfectionist streak. I'm sorry. ).

Thanks for the advice and I'm use to that one of my friends is like that when I show her my stories and such. Thanks again.