Simon

Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:15 am

Simon

The Bounty hunter grabbed the pistol from behind the desk and shot the man.
The man fell down to the floor, but managed to grab a chair on the way.
He whispered his last words before his dead body would hit the metal.
An astonished look on his face, but the fear almost over cloaked it.
The Bounty hunter did not even give a hint of remorse.
His eyes were fixed on the smoke coming from the pistol, no emotion at all.
A trickle of blood seeped from under the man's head.

The man would be found a week or two after his death, partly eaten by Radroaches.
Simon had complained about the smell in the old abandoned room next to him.
The man was only 32 years old.
No one knew what happened to him, But it was obvious that he’d been murdered.
Simon did not feel the need to watch the partly eaten corpse.
He’d probably get sick from the sight anyway.

It was only four weeks ago that Simon arrived at Rivet City.
No one took the trouble to introduce themselves to him.
He didn’t mind, it wasn’t new to him.
Simon kept to himself most of the time anyway.
It would take more than seven days to get to Rivet City, but he was determined to go.
Now that he had arrived, he forgot why he exactly wanted to live there.

In order to pay for his accommodation, sweeping floors was the main task of his job.
It was a boring task, but it provided him for what he needed.
Simon walked back to his room after a hard day working below deck.
He did not feel the need to eat anything.
The murder in the room next to him kept haunting his mind.
Why would anyone want to murder him and how did they get there without any trace?

After some hours of dubbing, Simon went to bed but couldn’t sleep.
“Silly little man.” A voice suddenly spoke out of nothing.
Simon quickly got up and looked scared around him.
Nothing, it had to be his imagination, but it sounded so real.
Maybe he had already started to dream.

Simon got back to bed and tried to sleep once more.
“You? You can’t sleep. Not anymore anyway.”
A man covered in dark cloth, wearing shades, stood right before Simon.
“Sometimes I ask myself why you think you’re human.”
Simon got up as quickly as he could but he didn’t know what to do.
“No matter” The man spoke. “You’re coming back with me. Your job is done here.”

“Activate code: Series One, Magenta Zero Newton!”
Every thought disappeared into the void.
Only the voice counts, only the order of the voice must be followed.
The cloaked man signalled Simon to follow, and he did.
Simon and the man left Rivet City, back to the Commonwealth.

Simon grabbed the pistol from behind the desk and shot dr. Liegtheim.
Liegtheim fell down to the floor, but managed to grab a chair on the way.
He whispered his last words before his dead body would hit the metal.
“Simon, how could you kill your own creator, your own… father?”
An astonished look, but the fear almost over cloaked it.
Simon did not even give a hint of remorse.









Please send feedback.
I'd like to get out all grammar and spelling mistakes, so don't be afraid to post them.
Hope you enjoyed.
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Peetay
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 5:29 am

Spoiler
So the guy was a android, was he?

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kirsty williams
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:22 am

Yeah, but your kind of ruin it for those who stroll replies before reading.
Could you put a spoiler tag on it?
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Bek Rideout
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 3:36 am

Not much response on this small tale.
Is it terrible, or just ignored?

People give your opinions please!

Now that he arrived, he forgot why he exactly wanted to live there.

Is this sentence correct? I'm doubting about it, but can anyone tell me if it is?
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Matthew Warren
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:38 am

It should be, "Now that he had arrived, he forgot why, exactly, he wanted to live there."
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Rebecca Clare Smith
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 3:10 am

I will give you my ideas on the first paragraph, perhaps others will do the following ones

The Bounty hunter grabbed the pistol from behind the desk and shot the man.
The man fell down to the floor, but managed to grab a chair on the way,
whispering his last words before his dead body would hit the metal.
An astonished look on his face, but the fear almost over cloaked it.
The Bounty hunter did not even give a hint of remorse.
His eyes were fixed on the smoke coming from the pistol, no emotion at all.
Blood seeped from under the man's head.


The Bounty hunter grabbed the pistol from behind the desk and shot the man.
The man fell to the floor, managing to grab a chair on the way and whispering his last words before his lifeless body hit the metal, the look of astonishment and fear frozen on his face.
The Bounty hunter did not even give a hint of remorse.
His eyes were fixed on the smoke coming from the pistol, no emotion at all.
A trickle of blood seeped from under the man's head.

Now that he had arrived he had forgotten exactly why he wanted to live there.

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sally R
 
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Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:34 pm

Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:35 pm

I will give you my ideas on the first paragraph, perhaps others will do the following ones



The Bounty hunter grabbed the pistol from behind the desk and shot the man.
The man fell to the floor, managing to grab a chair on the way and whispering his last words before his lifeless body hit the metal, the look of astonishment and fear frozen on his face.
The Bounty hunter did not even give a hint of remorse.
His eyes were fixed on the smoke coming from the pistol, no emotion at all.
A trickle of blood seeped from under the man's head.


Now I want to see a fan fic by you about a intelligent Yao Guai with a top hat, trying to survive the wastes :P
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Jay Baby
 
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Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:43 pm

Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:39 pm

Now I want to see a fan fic by you about a intelligent Yao Guai with a top hat, trying to survive the wastes :P

Sorry, I don't do intelligence and top hat in the same story. :D Maybe, one day when I have time.
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Elizabeth Davis
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:24 am

I think that Rohugh's changes seem quite... What's the word I'm looking for? Hmmm, well, helpful? Ah well, you know what I mean! I think that it's a good base for a story, just fix up some of the mistakes and you've got a good story there. I like the idea and all, just the spacing and everything's killing my eyes... Then again, the screens killing my eyes, so...
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Talitha Kukk
 
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Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 6:33 am

Never had help from a moderator before.

Thanks Rohugh! And you might consider doing that story anyway.
It'll be a cult hit! ;)
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james reed
 
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Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:18 am

Post » Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:12 pm

I am doing this as a member - not a moderator. Feel free to disagree or argue about my corrections :D

When I am "moderating" you will all be sure to know the difference. :rofl:
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Niisha
 
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