I decided to do a Fan-fic about someone who lived pre-war, It just seems alot easier to do, though to keep it a Fallout fan-fic it will take place shortly before and during the Great War.


So, feel free to comment on this.

EDIT: Trying to change the format so it's easier to read.
Chapter One: That Fateful Morning

It was a sunny morning in a small town, the streets were clean and the house's looked new and had the brightest colored grass anyone would had seen, with white picket fences and a Mr. Handy in every home helping every mom with cooking and cleaning, the TV's showing the new and expensive Highwayman that every dad had wanted, It was the usual saturday morning, kids out in the street playing, the smell of pie in the morning out on the windows and teens playing baseball in the streets, most of the advlts going to work at the office, but every once in a while, some sirens had gone off as a drill for those that paid to get into underground shelters which would protect them from an atomic war, called Vaults.

Every family in the neighborhood had heard the sirens start to go off, but everyone knew it was just another drill and few went to the designated Vault, One family, the Cole's had lived normal lives, Mr. Cole worked as a Lawyer, Jane stayed at home cooking and cleaning, James and Jane Cole had two children, Albert 'Stone' Cole, and Mary, Albert was 18 and May had just turned 15, they were outside riding bikes along with many other kids, when Albert had heard the sirens he groaned

"I hate those stupid sirens! Every week, I swear!"
"Would you stop complaining Stone? They do this for a reason you know."
Mary had heard Albert's complaining ever since they had their first drill, she then gave out a sigh.
Shortly after, her father James had walked outside and yelled "Load up, we're going to the Vault!"

After Mary heard her father, she got off her bike and put it by the corner of their house, Albert was hesitant and kept on riding his bike with his friends and his father had yelled once more
"Get in the car Albert! We need to go, now!"
Albert had kept on riding along with his friends and yelled
"It's just another stupid drill dad!"

Jane had just walked outside the door, looked at James and said with a sweet voice
"Oh lighten up James, let the boy enjoy the day with his friends."
James gave out a sigh and said "You're right, it's just another drill."
James, Jane, and Mary had got into their car and then started to drive on towards the Vault ready to find that it was the usual drill... But Albert was'nt aware of the horrors that awaited on that fateful day, October 23rd, 2077...

This looks pretty promising, haven't seen a fan-fic which is set as the bombs drop yet.

I hope so, I just hope people will like it when I finish.

Alright Boradam, glad to see your giving fanfic's another go. Shot. Chance.

Nice story. A change a pace with the whole "bombs just about to drop scenario", something I've only seen a couple/few times.

First off. We shouldI will go over the grammatical errors.

First paragraph is in desperate need of semicolon or colon...or maybe both. Waaaayyyy too many commas that's for sure. If you want to discuss the finer points of semicolons and colons that's okay with me, but I think you can use your discretion on the proper way to punctuate the first paragraph.



Ooohh. Missed a comma, and because this is so short it's makes a bigger impact on me, but I just have an eye for those things.



Comma?


Wasn't?

Grammatical errors covered, let's go on to the story telling aspect, the crucial part.

Actual this is a really nice set up, I got the picture of a "perfect" neighborhood with all the house have the same green lawn and "perfect" white picket fences, so "perfect" that it actually makes me sick. So nice job on the imagery, and it's mighty suspenseful leaving the main character to face imminent nuclear war on his own.

So the story part of this is really nice, keep it up.

Ah yes, I forgot to run this through spell check so I will try to do this next time, but I was trying to get a mental picture of the 'perfect town' seeing that Fallout's pre-war was stereotyped as the perfect world, but thanks for the advice. :vaultboy:

What advice? I just pointed out grammatical errors. Didn't really have much to give this time, my bad.

Eh, advise/pointing out things, I just use that word universally.

Nice set up Boradam. However, I agree with Yttrium, lotsa grammatical errors. Remember for next time, spell check doesn't catch everything. After you press spell check, look over it to check, then post.

Rightio, but in the meantime..

WAR EAGLE! to any auburn fans that read this.

lolololo

Good fan fic so far and war eagle auburn slayed Oregon tonight even thou I'm a arkansas razorbacks fan nice to see someone on here who loves football to

Thanks, and I was so happy when they won.

Ergh, I hope I don't have as much typo's as the last one did.
Anyway's, here is chapter two.

Chapter Two: Going Under

Albert rode to the end of his neighborhood and turned to go back, but while he turned he saw what had seemed to be a crowd of people out in the distance and he had decided to see what was happening.

While he was heading toward the area to see what was happening, his family was still on their way to the Vault, after a few moments of silence Mary had asked "What if this is for real dad?" in a worried tone.
James had gave a nervous look to his wife and replied
"Listen Mary, if this turns out to be the real deal then I'm sure your brother knows where to go,
we've been through these drills many times before and I'm sure he's memorized the way there."
Mary gave off a sigh and looked out her window wondering what Albert was doing...

Albert had gotten to the area, and saw a few police officers and climbed off his bike and worked his way through the crowd and saw two men fighting and one of them was in their late twenties and looked furious, the other man who looked to be in his late thirties was dressed in a business suit and had a worried look on his face, one of the officers had tried to calm one of them down saying

"Sir, calm down, everything will be fi-"
The man had pulled out a pistol and yelled
"Shut up! Those commie bastards are gonna strike soon, I ain't gonna die, now take me take me to the Vault!"
The Business Man started to panick and said "It's j-just another drill, no ones going to att-"

Albert saw the business man fall to the ground with a gunshot in his throat with blood gushing out onto the road and right after this, one of the officers tried to pull his gun but was shot in his arm. The other officers shot the man multiple times in retaliation and the man was killed while Albert rushed to the officer and had tried to stop the bleeding while an ambulance was on the way and the officer told Albert in a weak voice

"W-whats your name boy?"
"My name is Albert Stone."
"Y-you need to get a w-weapon.. streets arn't safe anymore.."
Albert had panicked after seeing two men killed before his eyes and had started to regret that he didn't go with his family.

After a few minutes, multiple ambulances and police cars were at the scene, the officer had survived and Albert then rushed to his house to get a pistol his family had kept in case someone had broke into their home, when he got to his house he burst through the door and saw on the news: "Families rush to bomb shelters after rioting and sirens fail to stop!"

When he saw this he had thought to himself "Oh no, why didn't I listen to dad?"
He ran into the living room and had found some jumpsuits issued by Vault-Tec laying on a shelf, he put one on and ran out of his house, he saw multiple families rushing out of their houses trying to get out of the street and to a shelter or vault, he was going to head to a police station to see if they could help him get to the Vault...

I'm trying to make everything easier to read by not cluttering everything together..
Hopefully this gets more interesting for everyone.


Chapter Three: Raiders

Albert had been running for a few minutes but then he started to hear the sound of glass breaking out in the distance, and he then realized that he had forgotten his bike... He decided to turn around and run back for his bike as riding it would give him more time to get to the Vault, when he got near his house Albert saw a group of people that had tire irons, baseball bats, and fire axes, the previously 'perfect' neighborhood was now turned into a pigstine: All of the windows for every house were shattered and broken, the doors kicked in and the grass was torn from the ground and splotches of dirt showing everywhere, some of the houses were even burning from matches.

Albert's face turned red with rage and started to yell "Get the hell away from there!", Albert drew his pistol and fired once at the group, they were a group looting houses; His house.
The group of looters started to laugh and the leader of the group said "You best actually hit something next time!", they all started to close in on Albert who at the ground in front of the looters and said "One step closer and the next shot will hit your leg.", the leader who was holding a fire Axe, lunged at Albert who shot him in the leg.
"Damn!" he yelled in pain, "Take your friend, next time I won't shoot a leg.", Albert said in a dark 'Stone' cold voice.. "Now!", The group then dragged their leader away while he moaned in pain, he said in a violent tone "I'll get you boy!", Albert glared at him for a moment and then remembered his family had money inside a safe so he went inside to get it and then went to his bike and started to pedal toward the police station...

After 10 minutes of pedaling sirens seemed to be getting louder and louder until he finally reached the Police Station, he was horrified to the police station as it's doors were broken open and bodies of officers were scattered shot and cut with guns and knives, he saw a young couple running down the street from another group of thugs that ran out from another building and he rode toward the thugs and rammed into one of them and he fell off his bike, when he got up he saw the others in the group all wore black leather jackets, a few were women with green mohawks, the group looked bloodthirsty and violent, and they had knives, and the one he just rammed into holding a 10MM pistol. One in the group had started to taunt Stone "Last day on earth right? I'm gonna skin me a boy!", one of them said in a bloody tone, another had made stabbing motions with a crooked grin and Stone had started to walk backwards slowly, he had a worried look on his face now.

One of the thugs had snuck up behind Stone and hit him with a baseball bat and he fell to the ground and started to groan after the blow, as the thug raised his bat with the intent to kill him, Stone had heard a rather loud sound and felt something wet splatter against his body, and heard the one of the thugs say "[censored]! Lets get outta here!", when Stone turned his head to look he saw that the couple he was trying to save had a shotgun and the man said "Boy you must be made of Stone to still be conscious after a blow like that!", Albert chuckled a little and said "I hear that more than you think." in reply.

Now that he had a closer look at the couple that had just saved him, he saw that the man carrying the shotgun was in Casual Attire, and the woman with him was in a dress, they were apparently going to have a date that day but the rioting had ruined that plan, Albert had gotten up and said "Thanks for the help mister.", the woman gave a look and said "No, thank you!"

Albert Stone had gotten up and saw his bike was a wreck now, so he got up and realized he was standing in a city going to hell...

Nice Chapters, other than a few grammatical errors it looks pretty good. Definitely has potential, well done.

Thanks, I'm trying to find errors, but there's only a few more chapters, so yeah.

Chapter Four: The Payload


Albert had started to walk around the city, he looked at some of the buildings, they were previously tall proud structures but now they all have been broken and battered, the windows and doors all shattered and broken down and some had fires burning, Albert had started to walk toward some vehicles that had been sitting there with broken glass, tires cut and pieces of the cars exterior torn off and beaten.

When he got close he turned right and saw a mob of people looting and destroying the bank which was further down the street, Albert looked a little left of there and saw a car that hadn't been touched and he ran towards it, he had been bruised from the baseball bat hitting him shortly before, but he saw that the car keys were still in the car and he tried to open the car door, but it was locked.

Albert walked back and aimed his pistol at the drivers window and shot it once, the glass broke and he reached in opened the door from the inside and pulled out of the street and tried to drive off, but the mob all saw him and crowded around the car and started to yell and damage the car and in the mob some started to beg "Take me with you, please I'll do anything!", Albert began to speed up to get out of the crowd and other in the mob started to bash the cars doors and one with a sledgehammer slammed the drivers door and Albert drew his gun and sped out of the area.

The rest of Albert Stones family made it Vault's area sometime before, they all got out of the car and once again saw Mt. Whitney which the Vault was located under, but were also amazed when a long line was going into a cave, there were officers wearing Vault Rioting Armor on the sides of the path armed with weapons that were saying to anyone who passed by them "Stay in line.", or "There will be no stealing, no fighting or anything of the sort in this Vault.", Some were wearing also Vault Jumpsuits, they waited in line for what must have been an hour before finally getting into the tunnel and looking at the opened Vault Entrance.

The door was massive, it had clean and had a sparkling clean look, but the Vault was opened, when James looked into the main entrance Mary had started to sob and had said in a miserable voice "D-dad, what about Stone?!", Jane had looked horrified and was teary eyed and said "James we have to go back!", "I'm sorry honey, we have to stay here at the Vault... Albert knows how to take care of himself.." James had started to cry as well, but had kept his family moving into the hallways where one of the security members waiting at the end of the main entrance stopped them and started asked them in a serious tone: "Names?",
"The Cole's.",
"Lets see... the Cole's.. Cole's.. Ah yes, we found you. 'James, Jane, Mary..'Wait.. ",
"W-what?",
"Say's here there are four of you, where is 'Albert Cole'?"
James had looked down at the floor and tears dripped from his eyes and said "H-he stayed behind..", The officer gave a pitiful look and said "I'm sorry sir."

The Security Officer started to tell them the layout of the Vault, and the Cole's went down to the living quarters and had started unpacking their things, their room and the entire Vault was something they never expected. The Vault was sparkling clean and the floors were reflective, the walls had a blueish tint to them and the lights were white and looked pure and new, their room was about the same size as their house except the fact that there was no attic now, the room even came with a Mr. Handy that wasn't to be activated until after the Vault door seals, the Kitchen in the room was the best they've ever seen... None of that could take their minds off of Albert, they all hoped that he would be able to make it.

Albert had been driving for about thirty minutes and he was out of the town and half-way to the Vault by now but then he saw a flashing light on the fuel sign, the Fuel Cell the car had been running on started to die before eventually the car stopped. Albert had horrible images running through his head about bombs being dropped, and him dying out in the wasteland, Albert got out of his car but suddenly another car zoomed by his car and slid on the road when they had turned back to face his car, there were a group of two heading towards the vault and one of them had asked "You going to the Vault?", "Yeah, my car's fuel cell just died do you think you could you take me there?", The group nodded their heads and signaled Albert to come into their car, they started to drive towards the vault and Albert seemed to have dozed off.

The passenger in the front seat looked back and saw him sleeping and his face had a grin when he looked towards the driver "He's asleep, can't believe he actually went with us!", The driver looked at him and started to whisper "We'll whack him and then take anything valuable he has, but we'll still get to the vault but don't worry.", The driver started to laugh and looked over his shoulder at Albert and then looked back at the road and kept driving.

Albert's eyes opened and glared at the driver for a few seconds before putting his hand near his pistol, waiting for when they were going to try and kill him..

Across the United States, A Nuclear fire started to engulf the east coast in nuclear flame, many Vaults closing before the bombs struck, many families were killed in the atomic fire that ensued, most of the East Coast was no more.

Not alot of people seem to be interested in this fan-fic so I decided to cut it short, sah.. yeah.

Chapter Five: The Holocaust

The car had been driving for another ten minutes before Albert figured out he was a mile from the Vault, Albert finally felt that the car was going off the road, the two got out of the car and pulled him out of the car and threw him onto the ground. (The area wasn't filled with life but it had some brownish colored grass and a tree that was mostly dead further up the road). The driver pulled a knife out and told Albert "Give me your money if you wanna live!", Albert reached for the money he got from his house earlier that day and threw it at him, "Heh, that was easy but now I'm afraid your gonna have to d-" Albert had pulled his pistol out and shot him before he finished his sentence, the Passenger was still next to the car shocked. The passenger got into the car and started to drive off but Albert shot two of the tire's and the car swerved off road and crashed into a dead tree.

Albert got up and went to the car where the man sat in the drivers seat injured from the crash, "I-i'm sorry, d-don't leave me here please.. please!", The car had been wrecked so he couldn't use the car to get to the vault and he had started to run towards the Vault entrance. Albert had ran faster than he ever had run before, and his blood was pumping every time his feet hit the ground.

The East Coast

The East Coast lay in ruin, many cities were destroyed and cut off from the world. Washington D.C. was reduced to ashes with few surviving the nuclear strikes, only those lucky enough to make it underground or into Vaults. Those that weren't fortunate enough suffered and died slow painful deaths or mutations while others had started to claw at Vault doors begging to be saved, but were not... The Vault's were sealed, and all inside unaware of the horrors that happened outside the Vault's.

Stone Cole

As Albert Stone had been running the Vault's entrance was in sight and he rushed towards it and as he had neared it he had been filled with relief as he had made it in time, he had rushed forward and made it into the cave's entrance...

The Mojave Desert

Before the war had started, Mr. House had built something to suspend him in animation in his masterpiece... the Lucky 38, he had also built Defense Turrets on top of the Casino to defend against nuclear strikes, they did just that when the bombs fell on the Mojave and many were destroyed, but some had escaped the turrets targeting systems and struck, destroying whatever lay nearby.

Stone Cole

When Albert stone made it inside the cave where the Vault's entrance was it was empty and the Vault Door had the number '13' on it, It was sealed.. He was too late. Albert started to cry and ran to the door's control outside but every time he tried to use it the console played a message "Control's override, Door's sealed for estimated '200' years, please contact your Vault's Overseer.", Albert had been trying to get in before he finally stopped and faced the cave entrance...

The West Coast

As the bombs fell on the West Coast, many of the Vault's were sealed except Bakersfield, whose Vault was never to seal correctly resulting in the mutation of all who were sent there. Los Angeles was previously a city that stood proud but all of that was changed when the bombs reduced everything in and around it to cinders. Los Angeles was no more, San Fransisco wasn't as damaged as Los Angeles was, but suffered many losses as well...


Stone Cole

Stone stood by the Vault's door and still faced the cave's entrance and could feel the ground rumble and shake, he knew there were bombs striking the city he once lived in destroying it. He knew he wasn't going to survive the nuclear holocaust and he reached for his pistol, but moments before his death Stone realized something- He realized that War... War never changes.


The Aftermath

The World was reduced to nothing more than a shell of it's former glory, life ceased in many lands.. Stone's body lay on the ground outside the Vault's entrance for 200 year's, his family mourned the loss of their son after the Vault sealed. Many generations after his death his family had saved what was left of the old world from something named 'The Master'.. Someone named 'Albert Cole' in memory of stone left the safety of the Vault to save his family, but as he left it he could see a body... Stone's body. He gave a silent salute when he saw the number '13' on his jumpsuit and set out on his journey...

I am just a bit confused, because you jump around a bit with regards to his name. Is he Albert Cole, or Albert Stone, or Stone Cole, or...?

Yeah, I messed up quite a bit there.

Albert Stone Cole is his name.

Write the story because it interests you - not because it interests other people - though comments are always awesome and feedback is helpful they shouldn't dictate whether or not you finish. I find many of the uber-popular stories rather bland anyway. . .so yeah. . .the amount of comments you get doesn't = quality.

I really like the idea of your story but your rushed it way, way too much. I mean its pretty suspenseful knowing that the bombs are going to drop in a few days. You could even date the chapters (Oct 20th 8:00 P.M.) to re-enforce that the end is coming soon. As it is now, nothing had a chance to develop. Its unheard of to write a complete story in a week - all the things that make it cool need time to gel in your mind and crystallize on paper.

I don't comment on a lot of postings in this forum b/c I can tell from the get-go that the author is writing on a "writing high" and once the buzz wears off he/she is going to give up and their story will become forum spam. You though, demonstrated a good grasp on writing and its sad to see you kill off you own idea so soon before it became something.

I hope you go back and expand this, or write something new. Try writing a good portion of it before you post anything so you get a good look at what its going to look like and you don't become discouraged by the silence of the forum.

Hope that helps inspire.

Well, I did rush it a bit waaaaaaay to fast.

Thanks for the words, When/if I have the time to do another Fan-fic I'll try not to rush it.

I would have to agree with Surfer on all aspects. Good premise, bad speed.