Salutations everyone! If you don't know I've normally been around the Fallout Fan Fic forum doing stories. I've now decided to take a crack at doing an Elder Scrolls story. I'm not going to get much into the lore as I don't know much but if I mess up then please point it out if need be. Hope you enjoy the madness!
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Part I

Imperial Guard Nome Gratuito is on guard at the Imperial City gates when he decides to exchange pleasantries with a lowly wanderer, Molloy Mund. This is their 'story'.

Setting: Imperial City gates

Enter Nome and Mund


Nome: Good afternoon to you sir.

Mund: Howdy!

Nome: Beg your pardon?

Mund: I said howdy. Is there a problem with that?

Nome: What is this howdy you speak of? I haven't heard of it in my time here in Cyrodiil.

Mund: Cyrodil?! Can you try making sense my good man?

Nome: Do you not know where you are sir?

Mund: You know what; I don't think I have the slightest idea. What's your name?

(Awkward Silence)

Nome: My?name? You want to know my name?

Mund: We've exchanged words for this long. I might as well know the name of the armored gentleman I'm speaking to. Got to put a name to a face you know.

Nome: My name is Imperial Guard Nome Gratuito.

Mund: (laughing) That's your name? Seriously? Isn't that Italian for?

Nome: (quickly interrupting) Italian? Now what are you describing boy?

Mund: (offended) Boy? How old do you think I am Mister Nome?

Nome: Judging by your maturity or lack thereof, seven.

Mund: Now would that be in elf years?

Nome: What does that even mean?! You're pushing my tolerance kid.

Mund: Am I really?

Nome: Do you need to go anywhere? Directions maybe to the nearest inn?

Mund: I've never in my life been on my way anywhere but simply on my way good fellow.

Nome: Here, have you heard of the recent assassination of the Emperor?

Mund: Which Emperor are we talking about here?

Nome: The recent one. You seriously don't know about this?

Mund: Bah. I've never liked monarchies, especially ones with emperors that like to capitalize said noble status. Who gives them the right?

Nome: Don't you realize that with his death the world might plunge, hell, even plummet into darkness?!

Mund: Let it. The heat has been unbearable this past month. If this darkness you speak of can make things a bit cooler then I'd be a happy man.

Nome: (frustrated, rubbing eyes vigorously) I should seriously have you arrested.

Mund: And for what would be my charges oh Imperial Guard? Enlighten me with your omniscience of the law.

Nome: Forget about it! By the gods, you are a strange one. I'm hungry and in need of health. Excuse me for but a moment.

(Slab of venison appears in Nome's hand )

Mund: What?! Where did that come from Nome?

Nome: This piece of meat? Why from my inventory of course.

Mund: But?but it just materialized in your hand without warning! I need to know this magic.

Nome: (chuckling) It isn't magic you silly boy.

Mund: Then what would you call such proficiency and skill?

Nome: Uh?grabbing items out of your inventory?

Mund: Brilliant. So are you going to eat that meat raw? Do you have a fire pit nearby?

Nome: Raw? You know what; I never thought of that. I've always just ate venison on the fly and no cooking precautions have ever come to mind. Maybe this is why I feel I get no health benefit from it.

Mund: And rightfully so Nome. I mean if you can butcher a deer then you should surely know what it takes to cook the meat.

Nome: Who's to say I butchered the meat off the deer?

Mund: I am. What are you suggesting?

Nome: Well I'll go through the process with you. I fancy this deer in the woods yeah? I'm like, 'this would probably give me some experience points and health.' With arrows and bow I slay the beast. I simply walk up to it and 'search' it first. And what would you know?venison.

Mund: So all you did was pat down a dear and you, by the will of the gods, found its meat?

Nome: Easy as that. I'm going to eat now. Are you sure you won't mind?

(Begins to devour venison)

Mund: Not now I suppose. How's the venison?

Nome: It's venison.

DFoxy: Welcome to the TES fanfic emporiums.

KumiteKid: Huh?

DFoxy: did you not hear me? Well gone to the Tessa Fanfic sections!

KumiteKid: How did I get into your post?

DFoxy: The same way as Edward the Ambiguous gets into Rachel's posts.

KumiteKid: Hey! You CAN"T SAY THAT! THIS IS A FAMILY FORUM...er..

DFoxy: Someone's got either a dirty mind or hasn't been washing his ears. Here, have a cotton bud. Clean those ears.

KumiteKid: What's this in my ear...ARRRGH! It looks like a ... marooned dragoon?

DFoxy: How did a lost horse trooper and his horse get into your ear?

KumiteKid: You're not making sense.

DFoxy: And you're not making any dollars - or septims - either!!!



WELCOME TO THE TES FANFIC FORUMS!!!

Yep its kinda dirfrent hear kumite kid :shrug:

Nonsense, this was obviously a comedy. And you can't judge comedies in the same way as normal stories; in fact you can't really judge them at all, past them being funny. And that is rather subjective.

I have no problems with funny stories, even play scripts, but I far prefer normal, more serious ones. I suggest you take a crack at one someday

Oh, and Foxy, you're ambigious as always, and you aren't making any Septims either. But I suppose you have the right idea... :shrug:

Regardless, welcome to Tes, and I suggest learning the basics of lore before you start any serious story. Here's a quick run through: Oblivion is never right, Vivec generally "pwns" (despite his face rapings), CHIM must not be explained directly (see closed fridge), the Nine are a compromise, Pelinal is the terminator, the sermons are always right, you are not allowed to write about Akavir, if a story includes the Dark Brotherhood you must kill Grumio first thing, Bosmers are annoying, vampires must wear capes and run across rooftops, htarogoehS must always be spelled backwards, you aren't allowed to use Herma Mora because most people never get to him, and all of Skyrim is snowy mountains no matter what people say. You are now prepared to visit the lore forums.

What about them big were creatures? Can't forget about were creatures. If you do then.....bliviongate:

<3

Love it.

That was good darkom made me laugh =)

DFoxy: So I see you still haven't expanded on your OP.

KumiteKid: What? I need to go pee?

DFoxy: Still have earwax, d'you? Here, clean it out.

KumiteKid: WON'T. Last time I found a headless horseman.

DFoxy: You mean a marooned Dragoon.

KumiteKid: How come you can put all these things in my ear?

DFoxy: They're part of the Invent-Three.

KumiteKid: You mean the Inventory don't you?

DFoxy: Hey, kid, don't knock the Inventory. You be mean to it, and it won't mean anything to you.

Kumite Kid: That doesn't make any sense at all.

DFoxy: Thus fulfilling your OP requirement.

KumiteKid: Look, Oblivion is never right, Vivec generally "pwns" (despite his face rapings)...

DFoxy: YOU CANT SAY FACE RAPINGS ON THIS FORUM!!!

KumiteKid: Well, you just did too!! And Pelinal is the terminator!

DFoxy: Wha...wha...

KumiteKid: you are not allowed to write about Akavir!

DFoxy: Now you're not making sense.

KumiteKid: Thus, I fulfill myself.

DFoxy: Oh O I sea. Therefore - eyes get it noun - If a story includes the Dark Brotherhood you vampires must wear capes and run across rooftops, htarogoehS must always be spelled backwards, you aren't allowed to use Herma Mora because most people never get to him, and all of Skyrim is snowy mountains no matter what people stay!

KumiteKid: I don't know any backward spells.

Dfoxy: Then how did you get here?

KumiteKid: Oh..right...the cockroach, the gun and bullet, and other things...


*This is a tribute to the SURREAL imagination of KumiteKid, whose work I love for some strange reason*

:thumbsup:

Good work clearing that up, Foxy. Becuase it really sounded like you were making fun of him :shrug: That's what I thought at least.

Although I don't know where either of you are getting these. Are they puns I'm not aware of? Regardless, I noticed the random copying and pasting of my joke, and I thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway, keep up the good work Kid, we need a good break from the serious novels the rest of us write

Dont forget about edward the imperail thats a good comedian style fan fic. This is good kunite kid I want to see more

Thanks for the support gentlemen. I appreciate all the comments. Here's another section. Comment as you will...
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Part II

Nome and Mund continue to converse when Felino, a Khajiit and friend to Nome, greets him.

Setting: Some magical land outside some magical gate to some magical city

(Enter Felino)


Felino: Salutations Nome. How are we doing today?

Nome: Fine my dearest Felino. Coming back into the city for trade?

Mund: Hold on for a minute. Do you see what I'm seeing Nome?

Felino: What are you talking about? Is there something behind me? Surely you must see a strange?

Mund: (whispering to Nome) Don't you realize that we're speaking to Tony the tiger?

Nome: (whispering to Mund) Tony the Tiger? Stop the foolishness. He's a Khajiit like any other around here.

Mund: Hey Tony the tiger, do you think you can get me some Frosted Flakes?

Nome: Shut up!

Felino: I'm not Tony or a tiger you blubbering idiot. I'm at least not an Argonian!

Nome: Felino has a point you newt.

Mund: Stop that you two! It's just a?uh?sickness. I'm going to get better!

Felino: Whatever. Take care Nome. I'll talk to you when you're free of your pest problem.

(Exit Felino)

Mund: What a mother?

Nome: Silence yourself! You've been a monkey on my back every since you said hello to me!

Mund: Monkey? I believe the technical term is Argonian.

Nome: O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve thyself into a dew.

Mund: Did you just quote Hamlet?

Nome: Ham-what?

Mund: A Shakespearian play.

Nome: I have no idea what you are talking about. It's just something I made up.

Mund: You liar! Don't be a [censored].

Nome: A [censored]? You're language is quite foreign to me.

Mund: This whole PLACE is foreign to me Nome! I mean I'm a newt, I meet Tony the Tiger, and I'm talking to a guy whose name is "Gratuitous Name" in Italian. Tell me I'm not dreaming. And why is [censored] censored?

Nome: I'll put it another way then. You're in a play.

Mund: A play? What do you speak of?

Nome: I'll give it some time as an intermission is about to take its course.

Mund: An intermission?

Nome: All will be explained soon my friend. All will be explained soon.

KumiteKid: So I kinda dragged Tony the Tiger and Hamlet into this. Pretty neat, huh?

DFoxy: Well, what could I expect from a guy with Beckett as his Avatar.

KumiteKid: Absurd is as Absent Doves.

DFoxy: You can't trick me again! You're making scents, but in a roundabout whey.

KumiteKid: I refuse to fall for your puns.

DFoxy: So, you'll fall to my guns, eh? (pulls out fun)

KumiteKid: Are you making fun of me?

DFoxy: No, I'm...making fun of a ... gun? Fun of a gun! My gun is fun!

KumiteKid: Arrrgh, in a horrible way that even makes sense...

DFxoy: Then's let's go to the Milky Way instead.

KumiteKid: you mangled your onw name back there!!

DxFoy: Did not! And you were lucky not to be censored. How dare you talk of emissions on a family foreinger?

KumiteKid: I said INTERMISSIONS, you idjeet!

DyFxo: Is that a playable race?

KumiteKid: I...ah...I'm not sure...

DFoxy: O, what a tangled web we weave, when we set out to Dee's sieve...

KumiteKid: That's a quotation for some where!!!

DFoxy: 'tis a quoke potato for someone, 'tis ture.

KumiteKid: Stop. Stop. you're not making sens..

DFoxy: Then let's wait for Godot. He will explain.


(Again, a tribute to both Kumite Kid and his imagination Mentors, Samuel Beckett and Franz Kafka)

Why did this look like "Frank Zappa?" I must need glasses, lol.

I don't like comedies. Sorry.

Lack of plot line and soberness just isn't my forte.

Edit: An exception: This is hilarious. Keep it up.

Sorry I haven't updated this for a while. Real life has once again took a hold of me. I have to finish what I started so here's the final section of my story. I'm most certainly going to jump back to the Fallout Fan Fic forums and all are welcome to read my stuff there. Please tell me what you think as always.
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Part III

I guess the intermission is over. The two are going to talk now.

Setting: Shhhh...they're going to talk now!


Mund: So are you going to explain or not?

Nome: What are you talking about?

Mund: Don't tell me that you forgot about it during the intermission.

Nome: I guess I did. I'm?

Mund: (interrupting) Oh woe is me! That was supposed to be the twist in the story and you ruined it!

Nome: What story?

Mund: Don't be a wise guy. You know that lizard and tiger men don't coexist in a magic land with elves, swords, and spells.

Nome: Look who's being the wise guy! I might have to turn you in for that sir. You've been wasting my time.

Mund: Wait?what? You cannot do that!

Nome: Is that retaliation?

Mund: You even told me that this was a play! Hello? Anyone home in that thick skull of yours?

Nome: By the right of the Emperor I do have the right to smite any man who does not take heed to my warnings of abiding to the law.

Mund: (aghast) What laws are there on a stage? You aren't making any sense!

Nome: Even worse than I expected?an anarchist Dark Brotherhood member!

(Nome draws sword)

Mund: And I thought all we were trying to get were some laughs.


FIN

I thought this was good. Shorter than usual but good. And also like DFoxy's inbetween entertainment.

Ha ha ha, good job Kumite, and Foxy too. Keep it up.