Year: 2216
Location: Beast Lord fort, a few miles from the ruins of Chicago, Illinois
Lyn Grave
Age 6

Lyn woke from her nap, with her companion, Duke, nudging her. Lyn sleepily patted Duke's nose, telling him to go back to sleep. Duke whined, and nudged her even harder.

"Alright, Duke, you're just as bad as mommy." Duke whined louder, and Lyn's attention suddenly turned to what was going on. Gunshots could be heard from outside, and her fellow Beast Lords, followed by the various wasteland animals they controlled, were rushing outside. One of the Beast Lords, who was named Noah, stopped as soon as he noticed her.

"Lyn! I thought we got all the kids out of here!" Noah exclaimed.

"Noah, what is going on?" Lyn replied, with obvious fear in her voice.

"It's those Brotherhood [censored]s. They've launched an assault on our fort. We got all the kids evacuated a while ago, but we must have missed you. You need to get out of here." Noah placed his hunting rifle against the wall of the room. With a quick motion, he swooped Lyn up and put her onto Duke's back. Wolves typically weren't used as riding animals, but Duke was very large, for a wolf, and Lyn was still very small. With an unspoken command from Noah, Duke raced off to the hidden tunnels of the fort. That was the last time Lyn saw the fort before it was destroyed by the Brotherhood.

4 years later
Outside the ruins of Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Lyn and Duke let out a simultaneous yawn as Josh, the self proclaimed 'leader' of the Beast Lord refugees, lit the campfire for the night. Few Beast Lords survived the Brotherhood assault. The only survivors at that point were Lyn, Amber, Brian, Adam, and Josh. Lyn was the youngest of the group, being only 10. Amber was 12, Brian and Adam, being twins, were both 16, and Josh was 18.

"Okay, once morning comes, we are heading into the ruins of Cedar Rapids to look for supplies. We can't rely on hunting for all our food, and under NO circumstances can we be seen PLAYING with the wild animals." Josh exclaimed. He glared at Lyn as he said the last part. Lyn hung her head in embarrassment as he brought up the near disaster from earlier that day. A group of hunters had caught Lyn frolicking among a radscorpion nest. Of course, the hunters had heard of the Beast Lords, who were thought to have been eliminated. They were on their way to a Brotherhood bunker when Josh, who had caught the pair of hunters spying on Lyn, set up an ambush with the local radscorpions. Lyn, who had realized nothing, returned to the camp, and knew nothing until Josh returned to the camp carrying a fresh sack of red meat. Josh scolded Lyn, telling her what she did was reckless and stupid. It took Lyn many years to realize that those hunters were their meals for the following days.

"Furthermore, we must keep moving West, to avoid the Brotherhood's growing sphere of influence. We probably won't find much in the way of supplies until we hit the ruins of Des Moines, so we should stock up while we are here. I will give each of you your individual tasks in the morning. For tonight, our only jobs will be eating and sleeping, so enjoy it while it lasts." With his speech finished, Josh grabbed a few slabs of the mysterious red meat, and began roasting it over the fire. One extra slab was given raw to Duke. The refugees ate in silence, and once they were all full, they went to sleep. Lyn watched as Duke got up to keep watch over the group as she drifted to sleep.

Not a bad story, I've seen you RP with this character but still, it's a unique idea with potential but I could tell at a glance that has few errors, that you might want to straighten out.

First off: Write the numbers one through ten, this is the standard rule for writing numbers, it's makes the whole scene flow better in my humble opinion.

Secondly: Space out your paragraphs, blocks of text I can tolerate on paper, on computer screen my eyes will burn from their sockets. Actually it just makes it tedious to read and it's harder to keep track of your spot, break up the text into chunks.

Third: When writing dialogue, I would recommend starting a new paragraph. Also when pointing out who is saying that piece of dialogue(Ex: "I know," John replied) then you use a comma instead of a period. Exception for this is "!" and "?" marks.

Fourth: Imagery: Add detail. Writing a story is like painting a picture, we don't know what is in your head, you have to show us as best as you can. In writing that means you need to add sufficient enough detail to make the story; interesting, vivid, emotional. All of that from detail. I'm going to also say that too much detail is also a problem, but since that hardly ever happens, I'm not going to worry. So, most certainly, more detail.

These aren't ranked by importance, just by the order they popped into my head. The first one would probably be the least important.

Either way, it's great to see new authors on these forums, and I hope you'll be able to write this story till the end and improve while doing so.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the criticism, I will try to improve my next post.

Lyn rolled over sleepily. The morning sun was in her eyes, and she wasn't ready to get get up yet. Duke, who was laying down a few feet away, took notice to Lyn, getting up. Duke trodded over to Lyn, and licked her face a few times.

"Ugh...Wake me up in a half hour," she stated sleepily as she rolled back over. The sun was in her eyes again, so she groaned and reluctantly sat up, rubbing her eyes. She noticed the camp was empty, except for Josh, who was studying a ratty pre-war atlas.

"Took you long enough," Josh stated without lifting his eyes from the atlas. "Everyone else is scavenging in Cedar Rapids. I've got a special job for you. We will be taking a lot of supplies with us, so you will locate a wild brahmin or two. NO ONE will see you befriend these animals. Duke has a good nose, he should be able to pick out brahmin, or anyone who happens to be watching you. Get to work," Josh finished by waving his hand in dismissal.

Lyn picked herself off of the bare ground, and brushed the dirt off the rags she called clothes. After a quick stretch, she moved behind Josh, looking over the atlas along with him. She noticed one of the cities was crossed off. She pointed to it. "What is that?"
"Iowa City. Brotherhood outpost. GET. TO. WORK!"

Lyn took a quick step back, then ran off without a word, with Duke following at her heel. By the time Josh and the camp were nearly out of sight, Lyn stopped to catch her breath. Within a few moments, Duke had caught on to the scent of brahmin, and was tugging at Lyn's pant leg. Lyn nodded, and followed Duke. After a short walk, Duke stopped, and tugged downwards lightly on Lyn's pants, their signal to sneak. Lyn crept silently to where she could see over the hill. She spotted a small herd of brahmin over the hill. Lyn crept back down where she came from.

"Any people?" She whispered to Duke. Duke sniffed around the air, and after a moment, let out a hushed whine. All clear.... Lyn got up from her position on the ground. She walked over to the brahmin, who were grazing on a patch of grass. The brahmin paid Lyn no mind as she looked over them, picking out the two strongest looking of the five. After making her choice, the two selected immediately stopped grazing, and walked up to Lyn. Lyn nodded, satisfied with her choice, and started to move in her estimate of the location of the camp. As they got closer, Duke picked up the scent of Josh, and after a small adjustment in their direction, continued on. As they approached camp, Lyn saw Josh sorting through three crates of supplies. Josh looked up as soon as he heard their footsteps.

"Ah, good job Lyn. Those will do just fine," Josh motioned for Lyn to come closer, which she did. "Brian, Adam, and Amber just brought the first load a little while ago. Help me sort it out, will ya?" Lyn nodded, and helped sort through the supplies. They sorted the various pre-war foods, water, ammunition, and medicine in silence, until Lyn noticed a strange device she had never seen before. She picked the device up, and held it out to Josh. "What is this?"

"Oh, that?" Josh thought over it for a while before responding. "I'm pretty sure that is one of those pre-war stealth boys. I think they found more than one of those."

"What's a stealth boy?" Lyn replied.

"It's a device that makes you completely invisible. They were produced for a short while before the great war. They weren't perfect though, since extended use can cause paranoia and schizophrenia."

"Oh, I see...What's schizophrenia?"

Josh glared at Lyn. "No more questions." Unbeknownst to Lyn, Josh was just trying to cover up the fact that he had no idea what schizophrenia was. Lyn nodded, and got back to work. As soon as the supplies were sorted, Josh got to work lighting a new campfire to cook more food. Not much happened as Josh roasted more of the meat, until the three others returned with the second load of supplies.

"Good, you're just in time fo..." a look of shock struck Josh's face as he fell to the ground. Blood was pouring out of his head onto the bare dirt. Everyone dropped to the ground, laying in a prone position.

"[censored]! We are under attack!" Adam exclaimed.

"Where did the shot come from? I didn't hear anything!" Amber replied. Brian cried out in pain as a second shot ripped through his shoulder. Lyn panicked, and crawled over to the crate of supplies. As Lyn dug through the crate to locate the stealth boy, Brian groaned. A third shot had hit its mark in Brian's head. Shots from Adam's and Amber's hunting rifles rang out as Lyn strapped the stealth boy to her wrist. Annother groan, from Amber this time, as she was hit by the mysterious assailant. Lyn flipped on the stealth boy. She located the atlas that Josh had been looking over, and grabbed the compass out of his pocket. Lyn ran then. She wasn't far from the camp when she heard Adam let out a groan, shortly followed by a loud whine from Duke. Tears were pouring from her face as she sprinted west.

Great job! I like this a lot.

I would space it out a bit more. Your're spacing is fine in terms of text, but double space some text more. It would make it much easier to read. Other than it, it's really good, keep it up.

Two years later
Outside the ruins of Des Moines, Iowa

Lyn peered over the ruins through her binoculars as she laid on a hill, roughly a half mile away. The place is crawling with super mutants. There is no way I will be able to scavenge safely. Great plan, Josh... She sighed as she brought up the memories of her dead companions. She still felt great sadness and regret for the death of her companions. A member of her pack tugged on the leg of her fur pants. She crawled backwards down the hill, packing the binoculars back into her satchel, and pulling out a silenced 9mm instead. She nodded, and followed the wolf silently. They came up behind a lone mole rat a short distance away. The mole rat was busy scratching for food in the bare dirt, and didn't notice their approach. The wolf crept up on the mole rat, as Lyn took aim at it. In a fluid series of events, Lyn crippled it with a shot to the leg, as the wolf pounced on it, quickly breaking its neck. Lyn grabbed the now limp back leg of the mole rat, and assisted in dragging it back to the den.

Back at the den, the wolves eagerly tore into the fresh meat. Lyn participated in the meal as well. The fur she wore and the way she behaved made it nearly impossible to distinguish her from the wolves. It was gruesome, but it had become necessary for her survival. By the time the pack had finished eating, little was left of the mole rat besides the bones. Lyn wiped the blood from her face as she made her way into the den. She pulled the 20-06 rifle she scavenged from against the wall, making sure the gun was clean and in working condition. It was less for practical reasons that she did this. Cleaning the old gun gave her something to do. Lyn sighed as she sat down against the wall, leaning the gun next to her.

I can't stay here too long. The Brotherhood is expanding faster than expected, so I need to keep moving if I am going to stay...alive... Lyn cringed at the last word.

Lyn pulled the old atlas and a ballpoint pen oh of her satchel. She located the mark for Des Moines on the map, and drew a large 'X' through it. Lyn traced the highlighted path drawn on the atlas, back to Cedar Rapids, where a tombstone was drawn. From there she traced the path back to Chicago, where two tombstones were drawn side-by-side. Tears started to fall from her eyes, dampening the pages of the old atlas. She folded up the atlas and set it aside as she curled into a ball, crying herself to sleep.

Perfect. I like it a lot.

Thanks for your support Alex. I'm glad you appreciate my work. Whoever can guess the next city she stops at gets a cookie

If you space out entry two like you spaced out entry three, then I'll review it, deal? Anyway, on towards chapter three.

The entries are really short and fluid, the series of events working out like an oiled machine. The problem I have is how the character development is going, right now it seems...conflicted. Mainly because of that sigh, that bothers me. I sigh is an action that can have pretty broad usage. People can sigh when their in love, longing, pain, mourning, or exasperation. When you just say sigh a bunch of mixed messages are sent to readers. A few more words could have avoided this; "she sighed as a splinter of pain hit her gut". Otherwise it could be led to believe that she was bored with her dead companions and that isn't the message you want to get across.

I spent a lot of time going over this, because dictation(use of words) is very important in writing. Detail and how you use it very important, and just about every writer has his/her own style of writing, so I don't want to cramp yours, but...It's always good thing not to skimp on the detail, for example..."she pulled out the rifle" could be "she pulled out the rifle; badly worn with duct tape holding up the stock, it was a wonder it worked at all..."I think the second sentence is better, don't you?

I'm just saying cause I spotted a few instances where it seemed a little "sparse" on detail., but it's your story and you can write it how you want it.

Back to the character, I was really surprised that she's eating raw meat. In most literature I've read, when characters began to consume raw flesh that symbolizes them becoming "savage" for a lack of a better term. I think it would've have been interesting to see why she descended into this habit, cause making a fire isn't really that hard. Maybe your just trying to show that she is becoming more like an animal, or the desperate situation she is in, but honestly I think you could have gone more into that. It's a big turning point for the character, I would liken it to a coming of age ritual...Big moment.

Oh, wow. Look at me rambling on at nothing. I'm sorry about that. You don't have to read it. There just suggestions, comments, some things you probably already know. The story is fine. Once you got the spacing down, it turned out just fine. Keep it up.



I live all they way over here on the west coast, but if I had to throw my lot in...Iowa City for my first guess. Davenport for my second. I think those are big cities.

The cities you guessed are further east, and Lyn is fleeing west. Plus, in the second portion, I pointed out that there was a large Brotherhood outpost in Iowa City.

Anyways, I intended to show that by eating raw meat, Lyn was following the examples of her wild companions in order to survive. Her survival skills are limited by her young age, so fire would be out of the question for her.

Hmm, I see. How about Omaha? If it's not that than I really have no clue.

I see...kind of. Because it kinda reminds of Lord of the Flies, and the boys on that island were around twelve and able to get a fire going, a big one. But I get your point, she eats raw meat because she has too, she is becoming more like her friends in order to survive. That's what I got anyways, I was just blown away,myself. Too many times have I fallen asleep to the Discovery channel to eat raw meat. But if you want to survive you got to do what you have to,

Anyway, second entry was good. There were errors, that I think me and you could both really care less of. The scene can add depth to the character, pain, longing, etc. So I think it was a nice addition to the story and await some more.

From what I got from playing Fallout Tactics, eating raw meat, and even human meat, was common practice among the beast lords.

From what I gathered, they were also psychotic. You want the reader to get attached to the main character, no? If so then we need to see the characters feelings, I was just commenting on how passively she was eating raw meat when I think that would be a good window into her emotions, how she liked or didn't like, pondered how she was no longer bothered by it, so on and so forth.

But, I see your point. Do what you want.

Two years later
Inside the ruins of Sioux City, Iowa

The city seemed deserted. An eerie silence hung over Lyn as she poked through the rubble, looking for anything of use. It seemed as if the city had been picked clean and deserted long ago. Lyn walked up to the nearest building, and sat against the wall.She pondered over what she was going to do. Even animals seemed to be sparse in the area. She sat there for a while, thinking, and listening to the wind whistle through the streets. Her concentration was broken when she heard a faint rumbling in the distance. It was an unusual noise, one that she had never heard before. Curiosity got the best of her as she picked herself off the ground and made her way to the source of the noise.

What Lyn saw was like nothing she had ever seen before. It was a giant metal beast that rolled on four large wheels. It pulled what seemed to be an equally large tank. The two were connected with various hoses. The metal beast made a constant rumbling roar. Lyn stood in amazement as the beast approached her. What seemed to be a door opened from the side of the beast, and what seemed to be a person stepped down from it. The person was like nothing she had seen either. The size and figure were similar to that of humans, but it had no hair, and it's skin was oozing and peeling off in patches. The person gave her a funny look, then spoke.

"What, haven't you ever seen a ghoul before?" The person asked.

"Ah, no...what's a ghoul?" Lyn replied.

"The great war that happened 200 years ago didn't kill everyone that wasn't holed up in a vault. A few of us were able to survive in the thick of it, but all the heat and radiation made us look like this. Was a perfectly normal person before the war. Had a wife 'n kids," The ghoul then moved closer to Lyn, looking her over. "Now that I get a good look at you, you look just like Amy..." The ghoul peered off into the distance, reminiscing about his long dead wife.

"Um, are you okay?" Lyn asked.

"Oh, sorry, always did have the bad habit of spacing off. Say, do you have a home to get back to?" Lyn shook her head no in response. The ghoul's face lit up in a smile. "Alright, why don't I give you a place to eat and sleep. It will be nice to get some company for once." The ghoul then started moving back to the metal beast, motioning for Lyn to follow him. The ghoul climbed up the steps into the cab, and Lyn hesitantly followed. The inside of the beast contained a chair, and many various levers, and a wheel mounted in front of the chair. The ghoul was already sitting in the chair, but he moved to the side, giving Lyn enough room to sit as well. Once Lyn was seated, the ghoul reached over and pulled the door shut. After pulling a few of the levers, the beast roared louder, and started moving again. After a few minutes of silence, Lyn spoke up.

"What is this thing?" Lyn asked.

"This is called a tractor. They were made before the war, and were used as farming equipment. Back then they ran on gasoline or diesel, but I modified this one to run on alcohol. The tank we're pulling behind us is filled with alcohol. Pre-war it was used to haul manure, but this task is more appropriate for the times," The ghoul stated. Lyn nodded, not recognizing what most of it meant, but her curiosity was sated.

"Oh, I never introduced myself. My name is Tyler. Tyler Grave."

"Mine is Lyn...Lyn Grave."

Tyler glanced at her. "Small world, eh?" Lyn just nodded.

It would be nice if I got some feedback from more than just Yttrium or Alexman. I'm going to take a break from writing this until I hear from more people, probably.

I just found this story and from what I can tell you've been able to take the others advice to heart and impove your writing considerably in such a short time. Takes me quite a bit of practice before I can make any improvments. I always appreciate a story about the beastlords. They were my favorite group from Fallout Tactis. Not sure why though, there was just something about them I guess. I would imagine Caesar's Legion would have had some trouble conquering that particular tribe.

Like Yttrium said, there's plenty of potential in this story. I have only have one observations to give you:

The years are wrong, I checked on the fallout wiki and Fallout Tactics took place in 2198. That would be the most logical year that the Beastlord Tribe would have been wiped out. But it is just a minor detail, nothing to sweat about too much. Good job on everything else!

I guess it's possible I got the years wrong. I looked at the fallout wiki and they didn't give a definite answer.

Would it be selfish to ask for more?

No, that wouldn't be selfish. I was just having a bit of computer troubles.

The tractor plodded along the streets for what seemed to be hours. Tyler spent the time talking about what the place was like Pre-war. He payed special notice to the town he identified as Meril. He said there was a street in that town called Tyler street. As they got further from Sioux City, all that showed for miles was barren land. Tyler talked about how it had all once been farmland. Tyler seemed to enjoy reminiscing, and Lyn didn't mind listening. This went on until they reached another small town.

"Welcome to Hospers, Iowa. This is the town I grew up in as a kid." Tyler said as he gestured to the town. Lyn looked over the town, surprised at how good of shape it appeared to be in. "This small town was spared most of the damage. All that really came through here were looters, but they didn't stay long. Most of the Pre-war occupants left for greener pastures after the bombs fell."

"So why did you decide to stay?" Lyn asked, curious.

"Most of the reason was because I had a plan for how to survive if something like the great war happened. My plan was originally made for a zombie apocalypse..." Tyler chuckled after that. "But now I'm the zombie and I'm trying to keep everyone else out. Emotional attachment was also a big reason for me staying." Tyler finished.

Lyn nodded. By that time, the tractor had steered off of the main highway, and onto a smaller road. After a mile or so, they turned again onto a ragged gravel road. It could hardly be called a road anymore. It was filled with potholes, and was heavily deteriorated. Another turn took them on a much nicer path that was flanked by two large pieces of land that appeared to be tilled. A large metal wall could be seen about a half mile down the path. They soon reached the metal wall, which Lyn noticed was made of sheets of tin. Tyler stopped the tractor before exiting, and opening the gate. He climbed back in the tractor, and drove it in front of a well-maintained farmhouse. Tyler turned a switch on the tractor, at which point it ceased roaring. The two of them exited, with Tyler going to close the gate, and Lyn looking at the house. For the first time in a long time, Lyn felt like she was home.

Comma instead of a period.



Probably should be opened to match the tenses of the rest of the paragraph.

I think more detail could useful too, there's a lot more you could say about the environment, characters, and what not. There seems to be too many holes to fill, for me as a reader.

Other than that, it seems to be progressing nicely. I can't predict where this is going, whether that's good or bad, only time we'll tell. Keep it up.

Good Luck.

Lyn looked around the yard closely at her new home. The gravel path kade a ring around the yard. Grain bins were standing on the outside of the northern portion of the ring. Six confinement barns stood on the outside of the east and west portions, with three on each side. Brahmin pens were put up in between the barns. The house stood on the inside of the southern portion of the ring. Surrounding it all was the tin wall, which had a lookout tower positioned next to the gate. Tyler got back as she finished her anolysis.

"Nice place, isn't it?" Tyler asked. "This is the home I grew up in, and I have lived here for nearly 200 years," Tyler playfully scruffed up her hair then. "You look like you need to get cleaned up. Come on inside, we will get you looking nice."

Lyn followed Tyler into the house. When Tyler took his shoes off right inside the door, Lyn wordlessly followed suit. At the end of the hall was a closet, and a door on each side. Type opened the door to the right, and wen through. Past there was another set of options. The door to the left led to a small room with a few Pre-war appliances that seemed to be laundry machines, the one directly in front led down some stairs, and the doorframe to the right led into a much larger room which had a fridge and a stove immediately in view. Tyler went down the stairs, and Lyn followed. There were five rooms down the stairs. The two farthest away on either side were old bedrooms. In the middle on the left side was a bathroom. The first door on the right seemed to be a utility room, but also had an odd fabric-covered table in it. The first door on the right was a sitting room. Tyler opened up the door to the bathroom and flipped on a switch. Lyn had never seen anything like it before. After Tyler flipped the switch, the room became filled with light.

"There is a shower and soap in there. The lever in the shower controls how hot or cold the water gets. Take as long as you need to clean up, and I will bring you some fresh clothes when you are done. Any questions?" Tyler finished.

"This place is amazing! What kind of magic did you use to make the room light up like that?" Lyn asked.

Tyler burst out into laughter at the question. After taking a moment to compose himself, he replied. "It's called electricity, Lyn. There is nothing magical about it. I will teach you about how anything here works once you clean up, alright?"

Lyn nodded, then entered the bathroom and shut the door. She shed off the old rags she called clothes, and placed them on the counter next to the sink. She steped over to the shower, and slid open the glass door. After locating the lever, she turned it on all the way and stepped in. The water started out cold, but quickly got hotter. Pretty soon, the water got scorching hot, so Lyn quickly turned the lever back out of surprise. The water started getting colder then, to the point that Lyn was shivering. She was a bit frustrated at that time, but she had gotten a feel as to how it worked. She turned the lever back carefully this time, and finally relaxed as the water became comfortably warm. She worked on scrubbing the grime from her body, using the soap. Once that was done, she worked on scrubbing out her hair. Once she was sufficiently clean, she turned the water back off and steped out. As soon as the water went off, Tyler opened the door far enough to get his hand in, and placed a clean towel on the counter. Coloring that was a bundle of clothes.

"I hope those clothes fit. They belonged to my daughter, once-upon-a-time, but they got left here when the bombs fell. She was about your size, so they should work," Tyler called in through the now closed door as Lyn dried herself off with the towel. Once Lyn finished drying off, she examined the clothes. Underwear, a pair of denim jeans, and a white t-shirt. She put the clothes on, amazed at how comfortable they were, then stepped out of the bathroom.

"You look just like my baby girl," Tyler said, with a tear coming to his eye. He quickly wiped it away. "Now, let's get started on teaching you."

6 months later
Fort Grave

Lyn sat in the living room of Gramp's house. Lyn had gotten used to calling Tyler Gramps, since she was descended from him anyway. Gramps was busy giving a lecture about science, specifically, the workings of atoms. Lyn's mind was wandering though, and Gramps could tell.

"You look like you've got something on your mind, Lyn. Let's take a short break," Gramps said as he went to sit down on the recliner next to hers.

"I was just thinking about how lonely it is out here. It's been just the two of us for so long. Don't you get lonely out here, on your own?" Lyn asked.

"Well, I do get lonely from time to time. Having no one around nearby gets me sometimes. Usually when I get lonely, I chat up my cousin up in Minnesota. Now that I think about it, I haven't sent anything in a month or so," Gramps replied.

"How do you talk to him? You haven't left the fort since I met you, and just the border of Minnesota is 60 miles away."

"We use radio transmitions to keep in touch, dear. Before the war, we set up an AM radio frequency we would use. I know you've been asking what that tower out back was, and Im telling you now, it's a radio tower."

"Gramps, we should send him a message. Besides, I want to know more about how this works, and-"

"Yeah, yeah, hands-on experience is the best teacher," Gramps cut her off. He got up, and motioned for her to follow him. They made their way through the kitchen, then downstairs. They went through the sitting room, then into a small storage closet. Gramps pulled a cord, lighting up a light bulb. Sitting at the end of the room was a table with some radio equipment on it. Gramps sat on a chair in front of the table, and powered the equipment up. Lyn watched over his shoulder as Gramps readied the machine. He then picked up a microphone from the table and spoke into it.

This is Tyler Grave from Fort Grave. Nathan Grave, respond, over.

Gramps then flipped a switch, and set the microphone down. "And now, we wait for the response." After a few minutes of listening to the static from the radio, a voice came from the equipment.

This is Nathan Grave from Fort Moose. How ya holding up you old coot? Over

I've got a youngster here with me, I thought I would show her how this stuff worked. Over. Lyn noticed that Gramps flipped the same switch every time he was starting to talk or finishing talking.

Your kind heart is going to get the best of you, old man. For all you know she is a raider trying to get a chance to kill you and take over the fort. Over.

Hahahaha, and I'm the paranoid one? Get this, this kid is descended from me. You know I told you about how Amy took the kids and left before the bombs fell? Well, they lived and prospered. Unfortunately, the lot of 'em died recently, and she is the only one left. Over

Ha, so what's the kid's name? Over.

Lyn snatched the microphone from Gramps at this time. Her name is Lyn, and she can hear you both...Oh, right, Uh, over.

Well that's odd, isn't that what you named the kid you had with Amy? A short pause in the transmission happened without the usual static. I'll have to get back to you later, I've got tribals knocking at the gates again. A shotgun being pumped was heard in the background. Over and out. The radio turned back to static at that point, and Gramps turned the machine back off.

"Is he going to be alright?" Lyn asked.

"Don't worry, he is a tough son-of-a-[censored] like I am. He will be fine. Now, back to schoolwork," Gramps said as he motioned for her to go back upstairs. Lyn took a final glance at the radio equipment before heading up.

Int...Er...esting.

So she hit the point of consuming raw flesh like an animal, know she's on a farm with basically her grandpa? Well, I can't say you write the expected, and can never guess what your going to do next, though it seems a little disconnected from all the beastlordness right now. I'm sure something will happen...

You strange word choices, strange compared to what I would use, but it still gets the point across, so who cares! Interesting thing there, to put the radio conversation in bold, of course it needs to be distinguished from the rest of the dialogue. Then again, good dialogue wouldn't need that, speaking of which,

You have great dialogue, your able to avoid a lot of the indicators while maintaining a clear conception of who is talking. There are a couple flaws of course, like:


Redundant statement is redundant. Be careful, a simple "said" would suffice, avoid these case, let the dialogue stand on it's own. We can obviously see that it was cut off, you don't need to point it out in the next sentence.

Anyway, good story. Two chapters, and I found them hard to critique and then I realized why, their incredibly short. But I won't complain to ya, just not a lot is happening at the moment,

Good Luck.

I realize I haven posted in a while. I just haven't felt the urge to write, or something. Anyway, I will still continue this story. I'll probably have Annother post up tonight. Any praise/critique/suggestions are all accepted. Feel free to speak your mind, because anything that goes up, whether it is good or bad, motivates me to improve and continue.