NCR scientists had perfected a marijuana-based oil substitute. THe internal combustion engine now was reclaiming the wasteland. 4 wheelers, buses, and Model A Ford cars and trucks now prowled the wasteland. This signalled the death knell for Caeser's Legion.

A civilian instigated race war was unleashed against the Legion. People simply followed raiding legions home. Afterwards they would riot, burn, and destroy Caeser's facilities, People didn't toy around with [censored], they went straight to looting and massacre. Yugoslavian-style ethnic cleansing
obliterated the Legion.

When Caeser 's Great Library had been found, it was now being mass produced all over the wastelands. Diana's armor was proof of that. She looked like a female copyof USC's Tommy the Trojan, save that her armor was white.

[quote name='CETME Assault Rifle' date='20 November 2010 - 04:29 PM' timestamp='1290284987' post='16704193']
Instinct propelled it forward, The giant radscorpion would feed upon this victim the way it always had. Death was about to occur. The teacup -sized chihuahua's face looked quizzically at the onrushing horror. At a genetic level, Kalvin understood the danger he was facing.

The rad-chihuahua's eyes turned neon pink-colored. A neon orange halo appeared appeared above Kalvin's head. FWOOOSSSSSHHHHH! Kalvin breathed thermonuclear fire on the giant radscorpion, burning it to ashes instantly. He turned around and incinerated the rest of the the nest of radscorpions. He yipped in triumph.

"Hey, come on over here." A girl knelt behind him. "Hey, buddy." Kalvin turned to face her. She let him sniff her hand. Her left hand came with
some deer teriyaki jerky. Kalvin ate it. She poured some water into a canteen cup, and put it down facing him, Kalvin guzzled the water.
Kalvin urinated and defected afterwards.

Kalvin's tail wagged as he faced his new mommy. "I think we'll call you .'Kalvin'." OMEGA-47 assault rifle slung across her back, Diana carried Kalvin home with her. Diana smiled as Kalvin slept on the couch. The abandoned fallout shelter was Diana's choice of living arrangements. 'Flush toilet, radio, shower, airconditioning', fission battery powered, Why would anybody wanted to live elsewhere in the Mojave?'. tthought Diana, as she got on the radio to Primm, "Animal Clinic's open until 9 tonight." she got the report back.


NCR scientists had perfected a marijuana-based oil substitute. THe internal combustion engine now was reclaiming the wasteland. 4 wheelers, buses, and Model A Ford cars and trucks now prowled the wasteland. This signalled the death knell for Caeser's Legion.

A civilian instigated race war was unleashed against the Legion. People simply followed raiding legions home. Afterwards they would riot, burn, and destroy Caeser's facilities, People didn't toy around with torture, they went straight to looting and massacre. Yugoslavian-style ethnic cleansing
obliterated the Legion.

When Caeser 's Great Library had been found, it was now being mass produced all over the wastelands. Diana's armor was proof of that. She looked like a female copy of USC's Tommy the Trojan, save that her armor was white.

Diana's assault rifle was an OMEGA-47. It was an AK47 in 6.5mm Grendel. The other modifications included: Galil style hanguard, internal heat shield, AR15-style muzzle brake, and a neon fiber optic orange front sight post. Gun Runners had discovered an abandoned Red Jacket Arms facility. One burst from an OMEGA-47 , and it will kill a giant radscorpion, too,

Diana's pistol was a TP10, a 10mm clone of the Bruggs and Thomet TP9. Thirty shots of 10mm would ruin a thug's day. Diana's sword was a Xiphos(Zeefoess). 26 inches of double-edged cold steel would ruin a thug's day.

Diana picked up Kalvin, the pup now snoozed in her arms. Diana rode her horse to Primm. The NCR had reintroduced horses to the wastelands. It was a huge success. Black smitheries and motor vehicle mechanics sprang up all over the place.

Diana arrived at Primm uneventfully. The veterinarian gave Kalvin several inoculations. "Rad- Chihuahuas are only dangerous to human life when attacked. They're very good-natured dogs."
Kalvin played with everybody present. Diana returned home. Kalvin slept all night in a cat carrier, s blanket and a teddy bear both kept him company. too.

Well it seems like you sorta of double posted. Sorta. Your story um, eh, well I'll be blunt, it needs a lot of work. Don't be discouraged. Please no. Improvement is viable solution and will happen naturally, you just need some feedback to get the process started. One thing that I noticed is that you rush your story, you jump around with out a whole lot of detail. You need that detail, it paints a picture for us and right now it's a bunch of stenciled lines giving us a vague figure. You need to feel it in, you may have an idea of what is going and how it looks like, but we sure as hell don't. Unless of course their a mind reader, and I know only a handful of those.

So go back and re-read. Think about the scene, if there's anything that you see in your head that can not be inferred from the passage, then you probably should add it.

Use spell check for misspelled and miss capitalized words.

Don't jump around in the setting, we go from a fire breathing dog to being informed that the whole Caesar Legion has been demolished, as nothing more than a footnote. Either put that as a preface or show it later in the story were it pertains and add some more drama and detail into it. An empire formidable enough to fight the NCR is something to talk about when it gets destroyed.

Look at me rambling one. That's my advice for you, take it or leave it. I may offer some more when I see improvement. Until then, I suggest reading my favorite Fallout fanfic, Child of Atom by SentientSurfer. Check out his writing, it's pretty good, it would be a good example to compare your writing with.

Your writing isn't top notch, but everyone who can write has the potentially to be a great writer, it's just rather how far can you go before you quit. Some people never quit. Those are good writers. keep writing and and keep listening to feedback, the improvement will be marvelous and you'll see it yourself. Keep it up.