Tiger looked up at his Master, and wagged its tail. "Rugh!" barked the hound, pressing its nose up against the door outside.

"Alright, alright. I'll take you on a walk. Good boy.. Good doggy," soothed the Khajiit to the dog, attaching its leash onto its collar. He cranked open his broken front door, stepping out into the cold wind with Tiger. "C'mon Tiger!" he shouted playfully, starting to slowly jog next to the animal.

"Well well well, what do we have here?" said a croaky, ugly voice. The Khajiit froze in fear, and turned around slowly. A Dunmer stood, crossbow aimed at his chest. "I like your jacket.. Take it off," said the man, pointing at him.

The Khajiit wasn't wearing a jacket. "Ohh that's your fur? I'll just have to skin it off," he bellowed, sending a crossbow bolt into the cat's chest. "A fine coat such as yours'll get a mighty fine price on the market," he sneered at the dying Khajiit.

"No... Please.." he begged. Tiger was barking furiously at the man with the crossbow.

"Shut up you stupid mut," he shouted, shooting the dog through the skull. It plummeted to the snowy floor, bleeding out of its head.

"Tiger.." stammered the Khajiit.

"Time to put you out of your misery, housecat."

The last thing the Khajiit saw was the sneering face of the Dunmer and a bolt flinging out of a crossbow.
+++
The Dunmer entered the bar.

"Heeey if it isn't old Hal," shouted the barkeep, a huge Nord named Omas.

"Hello my friend," said Hal, hefting the bag of Khajiit fur on his shoulder. "I killed a bear.. Skinned it. Had the strangest fur. Now if you wouldn't mind fixing me up a Godsmasher eh?"

"Godsmasher eh. Quite a heavy drink for a little Dark Elf," countered the Nord.

"Hah! You're just jealous a "little Dark Elf" can out drink your sad [censored]," he said with a wink.

Omas grunted, "May I be damned if I can be out drank by a Dunmer!" the Nord slammed two mugs of ale on the table. Hal grasped one of them.

"Cheers."

They chugged down the mead and the Nord belched loudly. "It seems we have a tie, Omas."

"Indeed, Hal. I have had enough drink for tonight... You still want that Godsmasher?"

"Yeah, I'll have a Godsmasher."

Omas mixed up a fast Godsmasher, a mixture of the most potent alcohols in the land. The Dunmer chugged it in three gulps, the fiery liquid racing down his throat.

"Ahhh..." sighed Hal.

"Get to bed, Hal.. You don't look so good."

"Aye.." burped the Dark Elf, stumbling upstairs and to his room.

The soft, fluffy beds in the top of the bar were for special guests only, and Hal Stormbolt was one of them. He fell down on the pillows and blankets on the bed, sinking into its cozy depths.

The dark pull of sleep overcame him and he fell into a deep slumber. The bloody bag of Khajiit fur was in a pile in the corner of the room. Its ominous presence sent a chill down the Dunmer's spine, even though he was asleep. It was a shadow over his dreams the whole night.

OOC: Don't be too harsh in the critique on this, because I'm just experimenting with new ideas to see what I'm going to write about forreals next.

The beggining was... depressing. But it has potential, so keep going!

Thanks for the comment Mr.Boom 8:]

I don't quite know what that smiley face is, but so far I'd say he is going to end up too flat and probably uber. Evil characters tend to work out that way, and unless you have a real hero to oppose him, people don't tend to like it.

That aside, I'd say your intro with the Khajiit and his...dog? Is kind of strange, to say the least. I find it rather unnecessary to say the least, unless his career is selling Khajiit fur. And a name of Stormbolt for a crossbow user? Very corny.

Then you put your character in a pub and show he's an alcoholic and lies about what he does to his "friends". Then you tell us the fur he skinned from the Khajiit he murdered is giving him the creeps?

Disregarding character, your dialogue with the Khajiit sounds flat and unrealistic. Given it is hard to portray someone who is actually dying, I would say that having him fire a shot and not kill him is a poor choice on his part. Then have the dog bark and shoot it, and finally kill the person he was originally intending to kill. For his fur? Very sloppy and it seems like your character has little skill in actually killing people. So he neither connects to audiences by being really cool or someone like them. He is a stereotypical villain so far, and I hope he is an anti-hero with a real hero to oppose him.

How does he have time to skin someone before he gets caught by guards and the like anyway? That process can take hours, not to mention if it isn't put into chemicals almost immediately it is practically useless.

Regardless, I read stories for plot, not prose and character, even if they are nice to have.

Don't be too harsh?! Bah! Anyways, keep up the good work, and thanks for writing

>_> I don't want to spoil much.. But he isn't an outright villain. The Khajiit had done something in the past that was vewwy bad, and he had hidden away in the mountains with his dog. I'll reveal more later. If you really don't like Stormbolt I'll change it because I couldn't think of any names when I was naming him.

Anyways, thanks for commenting

I see, then it was revenge. You need to at least hint at that. Make Stormbolt say "It's been a long time, so and so." Not "Give me your fur!" Or make the Khajiit say "You?! I thought you were dead!" Or something to that effect.

Because as it is, it really just sounds like a guy playing Oblivion for the first time, going around in god mode killing people. And no one likes to read that ^_^

Anyway, sure, that works. Make him less evil though, I still don't see why he had to skin him, which raised all kinds of questions.


EDIT: Noooooo!!! Plan everything throughout the entire story. Every major event of your story must be written down, and once you do you can start or redo the introduction. My first few Fan Fics were me winging it, and they were gawd awful. Look at A New Kind of Warfare, that has got to be some of the best planning I've ever seen for such a long Fic. No offense to all you non-Peleus people, his is simply one of the longest here that I have read and follows the charecteristics I mentioned. I think Alexander has that kind of planning too, as do most other people (Shades, Gallowglass, etc.).

The best writers will make an intro that leaves you knowing only characters, not plot. Then the first chapter hints at the plot. You shouldn't know the plot until the book is over. I have only realized this recently, thus why you shouldn't look at mine for advice. Do as I say, not as I do

Anyway, my two cents well spent.

Once again, I'm just throwing around ideas for a story.. I didn't put much effort into this as I figured it was just going to be seeing what I'm going to write next because I have no good ideas atm

I agree with the inconsistancies Darkom mentioned. I like your angle but I think the personae and story are still too shallow and too corny. I'm sure you can improve it :tops:

Please maintain only one story thread at a time. http://www.gamesas.com/bgsforums/index.php?showtopic=1018144 so I am closing this.