Hey guys... Try to take it a little easy on me will you please? This is my first story I've ever done... And I think my first post to.. Can't remember lol. So... Here goes nothing! (also, this was done on my iPod)

Story Of A Wasteland Couple

"Welcome to megaton, partner," says the protectron as the wastlander, only known as scar, walks through the gate. "uh... Thanks..." The lone wanderer walks up to the first person he sees, that just happens to be the sheriff, and mayor, of Megaton... He introduces himself, and gives him a small tour of the town. As soon as the tour was over, Scar walked on down to the bar, and sits on down. When suddenly a ghoul comes to serve him, he pulls out his 9mm pistol, with a stylish, red, swirled styled font, a name painted on the side, saying "little bam." "put that thing away or else," says the ghoul. "Or what? Your gonna eat my skin for an appetizer?" says Scar. "No, but I'll chop off your balls and feed them to the dogs, smoothskin." "I'd like to see you try dirt bag!" "Thats enough!" yelling a woman from the stairs, holding an old, caravan shotgun. "Or else your both dead!" then the ghoul turns to the girl, "women, you won't pull the trigger you little b---h!" yells the ghoul. Suddenly Scar grabs his gun, and presses it upon the ghouls head, and says, "ghoul, watch your d--n mouth, or else your dead now... So appolagize... NOW!" The ghoul then begins to shake slightly and begins reaching for his sawn off shotgun under his counter. BANG! Suddenly both the woman and men pulled their triggers, the guy first, then the girl, head shot, then full blown buck shot to the gut. The ghoul drops faster than a helicopter without blades. Then suddenly Scars and the womans eyes met, but then the guy got up and walked out, without a single sip of anything. After a couple days of fixing up his new house in the town, he put the ghouls sawn off shotgun into a special case, where he puts every weapon he gets from a fresh kill. It's now about 12:00 at night, and the woman with the shotgun was working a night shift at the bar, and she saw Scar walk in, and right away filled up a glass, with what he ordered before killing the ghoul. "I'm Scar." The woman turns, looks, then smirks, "I'm Vanessa." When he looks at the table, then his glass, "Can I buy you a drink?" Then Vanessa turns and looks, "I work here, so that means, I get my drinks free." she says while smiling. "Well, in that case, mind if I get another?" Scar drops 4 caps on the table. "Sure, but only if you mind if I sit and drink with you." Scar looks then smirks, "Sure, why not." Vanessa walks around to the bench right next to Scar. "So why did you defend me?" she asks. "Well, I don't think that anyone deserves to be talked to like that, especially from a ghoul..." Then she turns to him, and continues to stare, with a smile, then Scar asks, "So what made you like me?" he asks. She thinks and then answers, "because, I see your strength, and I can see your great personality, your a good guy, there's not many of you kind left in the wasteland." Scar looks at his drink, then smiles. "I'd like to get to know you a little more some time Vanessa, you seem like my kind of girl." ---TO BE CONTINUED--- --11:13PM-- -will continue tomorrow possibly...-

Easy, I'll try to. I crushed a young mans writing spirit before, I hope I don't do it again.

Since your on your Ipod, I'm giving some extreme leeway. But I also want to note that I did an English essay on my Ipod before, so spelling and the such shouldn't be excused cause of that.

First piece of advice: Slloooowwwww Dooooowwwwwnnn. Seriously, slow down. You make everything happen way too fast, with no chance to develop character and depth. Example:


Everything happens so fast and with so little emotion to it. Here is what I would do:

"Welcome to Megaton, partner," says the protectron to the wastelander, it's voice warped and cracked for long years without proper maintenance.

"Uh, thanks," the lone wanderer, only known as Scar, replies.

Scar looks around the town and sees a prominent figure who carried an air of importance. When he went to greet him he found it he was the sheriff and mayor, Lucas Simms. Lucas was friendly enough and gave him a tour of the small town, which included two bars, a supply shop, and even a doctors office. As the tour finished, Scar walked down to the lower bar and seated himself.

A ghoul came up to serve him startlingly Scar. He pulls out his 9mm pistol, it was painted red with a stylish swirl font reading;"Little Bam".

See? Doesn't that read better to you. Reading the rest of it I can see you really pushed for that action thingy. You blasted a ghoul in public like it was no big deal and so did the girl. He was the freaking bartender. Could you have at least given us a reason? And even action stories develop their characters, so be careful you don't end up going "And then...He killed him. And then...He shot her...And then...he bludgeon her to death with a piece of citrus fruit..."

It could turn up very boring.

Their relationship seems a little weird because of how quick it happened, but everything happened quickly. I'm never been romantically interested in anyone in my life, so I won't shoot down love at first site, but the way you do it just makes it seem a tad bit unbelievable. And as side note, if they think blasting a bartender who was doing his job, then they've got some crooked morals.


So...Just slow down. That's all I'm asking. Hope I didn't crush your writing spirit, writing on an Ipod is hard I know. And I want to see new members, so pleased don't get discouraged. Keep it up.

Lol yeah, I messed up on a lot, I noticed it right after I pressed continue to publish it lol, like I forgot to put paragraphs, and the pace of the story, and probably more lol. Plus, it was 12 at night, I was too tired to try lol, and I forgot alot of names from Fallout 3, been playing new Vegas too much lol, but all I was looking for today was to see if anyone read it, thank you! (I'll just work on the story in my iPods notes area, then put it in when I think I'm finished lol)