The Official Biography of Ashkhan Ashina Zelaku
as written by her scribe, Odaishah Odirnipal,
on the command of the goddess Azura

There wasn’t time for Ashina to consider her next move. The shadow of an unarmoured Khajiit appeared from the dense foliage, and no sooner had the approaching Ashlanders seen the glint of the sunlight on the mysterious weapon, it had released a glorious stream of fire.

Ashina threw her wounded advisor to the floor, pulling a sword from the tree where the bandit had left it, and forced herself over the boggy ground.
She looked up in time to see the Khajiiti insurgents hurtling through the heavy rain, having abandoned their fortifications in an attempt to break the Ashland siege.

The first of the wild beasts to come at Ashina was a tribesman; in typical fashion, he attempted to slash and hack his way through the forest in a wild frenzy of grasping hands and swinging blades, and threw himself at Ashina with a surge of energy. He was sent skittering back, clutching entrails, grasping as his blade as it slipped from his hands to Nirabi’s feet. She raised the blade, before she brought it back down again, on Ashina's command.

The Khajiit who attempted to get revenge for the slaughter was sent spinning away as a result of his own momentum, as his blade was knocked aside in a whirlwind of a parry, and his arm and the rest of his body went with it. He fell into the river, and his head did not appear above the surface again.

The other insurgents to take on Ashina fell together, a single slash cutting the throat of one and digging deep into the side of the other's neck as he turned his head to face Ethrador, now on Ashina's right flank.

Another was claimed by Nirabi, sent down beneath the flailing blade, but two more of the Khajiit insurgents reached Ashina at the same time, and their shields knocked her off of the rock she was standing on. Her arm struck Nirabi, who was pushed to the side, and in desperately trying to regain his balance found himself in the path of and knocked down by another Khajiiti soldier, and the senche-raht that he commanded.

The horde ignored her, trampling and kicking Ashina as she tried to stand. She rolled around in agony on the floor, her sword fruitlessly slashing at the Khajiiti insurgents as her feet lashed out at their shins - a technique she’d been taught by Assamma-Idan. But Nirabi realised that, no matter how hard she tried, she was beaten, and it would not be long before the insurgents came to their senses and beheaded her, or she was crushed by the senche-raht.
But they were only Khajiit in that they were part of Azura’s creation. They were not clever, and thought about as much as the animals that they thought they were hunting, even if they did have the ability to understand the Khajiiti language. Nirabi also had that ability, and, at last, it had some use.

At her command, it took the barbarians less than a second to reconsider their stance. Ashina’s armour had done more than what Nirabi expected, and the senche-raht abandoned their attempts to break it. They threw her to the side, and charged back towards the fortifications, and fell upon their tribe in an almost cannibalistic and indiscriminate orgy of teeth and claws.

Their toy managed to roll free, and shakily got to her feet, and, with a brief war cry to console her wounded pride, she knocked the last Khajiit back. His tribe disappeared into the burning trees, as he slipped beneath the surface of the water.

I see a D.Foxy comment coming in the future! You will lure him in with this fight scene! I enjoyed reading this, had a bit of trouble with the font, but none at all with the content! Keep writing!

More on the style later, but this first...

The Khajiit who attempted to get revenge for the slaughter was sent spinning away as a result of his own momentum, as his blade was knocked aside in a whirlwind of a parry, and his arm and the rest of his body went with it. He fell into the river, and his head did not appear above the surface again.

A parry is when you deflect a weapon away from you - it does not necessarily cause damage, unless you recycle the energy of that parry to attack as well. In fencing this is called a 'timed thrust' or a 'timed slash'. The 'timed slash' is a lot, lot more difficult to do than a timed thrust...I would need a page to explain why, but for the time just take me on trust.

From the damage you say - a slashed off arm - it doesn't appear to be a parry at all, but a counter strike slip. A counterstrike slip is when you duck under, away, or to the side of one attack ("slip" the attack) while simultaneously unleashing one of your own.

This does indeed work spectacular results, especially when you can time the hit from your attack to your enemies' momentum. Then you could have a slashed off head or arm. However, you will need a curved blade for that - it is almost impossible, even with the combination of a very strong swordsman, a small enemy, and double momentums, to cleanly slash off an arm with a straight blade, no matter how sharp its edge.

(Why must you always write in that obscure italic font )

I don't know much about fight scenes, but one thing I do know fairly well are introductions. And one thing I do not like to see are "in medias res" openings, stories that begin with fight scenes. In my experience they don't tend to hook the audience as well, but this one might do a fair enough job. The only reason I might consider going against my own advice here is because you drop words like "Ashland siege" and "insurgent", hinting at a much greater story than the one at hand.

Putting that debate aside, I have another problem with the story: the action is very difficult to understand, and there is little setting of the scene, with random things jumping in throughout. This leads to much confusion and therefore little understanding of the passage among readers, as well as many stopping and saying "Where did that come from?" This is usually a good idea to avoid.

I'm not even sure what was going on, and I highly doubt I am the worst reader to frequent these forums. Confusion can be used in a good way to ensure mystery and captivate the audience, but a fight scene is not the place to put it. You can hide the reasons for the conflict, but you can't just have things dash out of nowhere at the protagonist. I understand that you might not want to have anything said that she doesn't know, but there are certain things she must have gathered previously (unless she was just teleported there, like your readers ).

Other than that it was good, just give a little more information without throwing off the pace. Thanks for writing, and keep it up :goodjob:

Here you write as if Nirabi is male; while in the passage below, she's a she.



Oh, I just realized Nirabi could've been thinking about Ashina, nevermind.

Very unique style, BSparrow, I like it.

Very unique style, BSparrow, I like it.


...Huh????

.....WTF???


:o

Conspiracy!

ANOTHER CONSPIRACY!!! BSparrow HAS CLONED HERSELF INTO GALLOWGLASS!! ARRRGH!!!

:ahhh:

:ahhh:

I knew it! So that's what Sparrow does when she disappears, she simply turns into Gallowglass... The avatars make sense now

Regardless, I think that's enough spamming from one mistake (but don't edit it ) Silly Scatmang.