Its been a while since i've wrote something, Not trying to do anything amazing, just trying to get my head back in the game as they say. . No particular backstory to this. Comments etc are appreciated.

EDIT: Not sure how many parts im doing to this, it keeps expanding in my head when i write




The dying suns rays fell through the cracks of the curtains as a tall man walked across the room towards a wooden dresser. He opened the doors and pushed the Clothes and jackets aside. He found a long dark coat and took it out and across and laid it down on the bed. He raked through the pockets and pulled out a crumpled photograph with writing on the back. Smoothing out the picture, a tear rolled down his cheek. The man wiped his cheek and stared at the woman and girl in the picture. Muttering something under his breath, he kissed the photo and put it in his jeans pocket. He put on the long coat and walked back across to the dresser. This time reaching further into it and pulling out two .44 magnums. They were slightly customised with longer barrels and tribal markings around them and the names 'Emma' and 'Joy' were scribed into them just above the triggers. He holstered them and closed the dresser. As he walked back across to the bed, caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror next to the door. Dark blue eyes, with long ragged hair and a clean shaven face. He was in his early thirties and was quite muscular. He took the photo out of his pocket again and turned it around. He read the words for the hundredth time and sighed. "Hal, We'll be with you for a thousand dawns."

Hal walked out of the house into the soft evening air, slamming the door behind him as he pulled out an envelope from his trouser pocket. Inside was a note and a hastily drawn map. "X marks the spot. There you'll find the one who killed them. No more favours Hal, we're even." Placing the note back inside the envelope he looked at the map and followed the markings. From where he was now it would take him the rest of the night to get to the small town marked 'Resvalle'. He began walking but after thirty paces turned around to face the house. His house. Or what was left of it. It used to be beautiful, the most majestic country home around for miles. Now it was broken. Just another piece of rubble in the wastes. Taking one last look he turned around and headed east.

He had been walking for nearly half an hour as the sun began to fall on the horizon. His legs were starting to get weak and he was thirsty. He stopped under the shade of an old traders stand and took a swig of water from his hip flask. Looking at the rubbish around him he wondered what had happened here. It looked as though the owner had left in a hurry. Staring back at the sunset he thought about how far he had left to go. He took out the map again and followed the trail to where he thought he was. "Damn it... Where the hell am I?" he kicked a broken box and grunted in anger. He stepped out from the shade and stepped back onto the open road. He began walking for a few seconds untill he heard a gunshot behind him. "What the..?!" He spun around and reached for his guns and saw six men standing behind him, all armed. One of them was holding a dog on a leash and the others were all holding heavy guns. Three of them had assault rifles and the other two were holding a double barrel shotgun and a submachine gun. "Dont even think about it!" shouted the man with the double barrel shotgun. Hal slowly took his hands away from his magnums and held them in the air. "[censored]... Raiders he thought to himself.

"So what do we have here? A lone traveller wandering the wastes, taking all the free goods?" The dog barked as the rest of the raiders laughed. Hal licked his lips and looked him in the eyes. "No. Im just trying to get somewhere." He replied, with a slight growl in his voice. The Leader moved closer to him and looked him up and down. "Well... Perhaps I believe you. Hmm... " He circled Hal and kept a tight grip on his gun. He stopped circling in front of him and stared into his eyes again. "We'll let you go, if you give us everything you have." Hal remained still with his hands in the air. The raider raised his eyebrows and and spat on Hal's boots. "I said, give us everything you have." Hal broke his gaze and stared at the raider party behind him. They all seemed ready to shoot at the slightest moment. The Leader grew impatient and raised his gun, pointing it into his face. "I'm going to count to three."

"One."

Hal stared down the barrel of the shotgun. Thoughts racing through his mind.

"Two."

His fingers twitched. He thought about drawing his weapons. Would he have time?

"Three"

He grabbed the barrel of the shotgun with one hand and pointed it away from his face and unholstered a magnum with the other, and shot the raider in the knee. The raider screamed in pain as his leg started bleeded. Hal grabbed him and shielded himself with his body whilst he aimed at the raider party. He shot two in the head as they desperately tried to get a shot at him. The dogs owner released him and he pounded along the open road getting ready to pounce. He threw the wounded raider towards the dog and made it stumble and then kicked it in the side of the head, breaking its neck. With a clear shot, the remaining raiders began firing at Hal as he made a dive for cover.He leaped behind a pile of rubble and pulled out his other gun. He stuck his magnums out and began firing shots back at them, hitting two of them. One was wounded slightly while the other one fell to the ground and cracked his head. He reloaded the guns and stepped out of cover to finish them off. The wounded raider was limping for cover whilst the other ran towards Hal firing wildly. He fell to the ground and threw a handful of dirt in his eyes. The raider cried out and scrambled to clear his vision. Hal stepped over to him and grabbed his jacket. He punched him in the face and threw him into the traders table, breaking it. The final raider stepped out of cover and ran towards him brandishing a large knife. Hal hesitated then ran towards him and grabbed his arm, stopping his stab and turned the knife back on him. The raider cried out in pain as Hal stabbed him in the stomach, withdrew the knife and pushed him to the ground. Hal fell to his knees, breathing heavily. "Jesus christ..." he sighed. He took a few deep breathes and stood up again and walked over to the leader of the party. He was still alive, but his breathing was fast and his leg was bleeding badly. When he saw Hal coming, he tried to scramble away but could hardly move because of his hurt leg. Hal grabbed his other leg and dragged him to the side of the road, placing him next to the pile of rubble. He knelt down and looked into his eyes again. "Dont try that again." He looked up and stared at the sunset and watched as it fell underneath the horizon. The raider stared at him in fear as he gasped for breath. Hal stood up and looked back at him in the quickening darkness. He smiled and raised his foot. The raider looked at him in shock. "Please... No.. No.." he muttered. Hal dropped his foot on top of his other leg and broke it in a horrible crunch. The raider's scream pierced the silence and was followed by his shrieks of pain and hurt.

Hal holstered his guns and stared at the sky. "East..." He said, and turned towards the end of the road and began walking.

Any comments would be great... lol

hi cloudfall. I'm not sure how to put it.. the story is very nice.. presentation..

this is only one example.. it can be used where ever.



too many 'ands' in one sentence. This can of repetition shaffs soon and rough. And not in that nice way. How to avoid. Playing with the future and past tense in the sentence..

We'll look at it from the grabbing of the barrel point in time -all moments in a sentence are a point in time. Books are nothing but connect the dots

He grabbed the barrel of the shotgun with the hand closest to grab with, pointing it away and clearing the Magum from its holster with the other hand, he kneecapped the raider.
it gived the sentence more sway than a monotone repetition of 'and'

I can't really explain it, I just do it, but there's a whole lotta grammar stuff loaded into this. English teacher types can fill you in on the actualities.

Ok thanks, I've been told that there are too many 'ands' in my stories, i just cant get the right words out to describe the parts. But for the next part i'll concentrate on making the descriptions alot more readable.

A few good words to replace 'and' are like...Then, after, before etc. They can quite easily replace them without exhausting a few complex sentence structures. A good way of improving your descriptions is to use a thesaurus as you go. Even if you don't use the words it suggests, I often find it sparks off a few ideas in my head.

Quite.

Also, your sentences are rather odd. They don't seem to end correctly. It would be better to merge some of them or just plain delete a few, because as things stand, there are several sections in your first few paragraphs that just don't make sense. Additionally, it's proper to start a new paragraph whenever dialogue pops up and the speaker changes. It makes it easier for the reader to differentiate, as trying to work out dialogue in one big block of text can be confusing for some.

The wanderer shivered and wrapped his arms together, trying to warm himself. It was like the deserts in the old world legends. Hotter than a thousand suns in the day. Colder than the polar ice caps at night. As he trudged down the broken road he stared up into the night sky. So beautiful, so mystifying. Yet... So dark... Hal took out his old pocket watch and squinted to see the clock hands.

'8.42pm'

Stuffing it back in his pocket he continued walking down the desolate road. Where he was, he wasn't quite sure, but he knew that as long as he stuck to the road he wouldn't get too lost. It was also a lot safer than travelling off road where he was more likely to get ambushed by the strange mutated creatures of the wastes.

Nearly twenty minutes had passed by with the silence of the night when Hal spotted a strange light up ahead. He paced forwards nervously, moving off the road slightly. The light got bigger and brighter and hurt Hal's eyes. Holding up his hands, he stared through the cracks of his fingers to try and figure out the light's source. The blinding light got larger and larger until it suddenly emitted a roaring noise, not unlike an engine revving. Hal stepped further off the road and ducked down, fingertips on the handles of his guns.

Finally a shape emerged from the bright light and came speeding towards him. It was a large car, possibly a jeep. It was rusted and the bodywork was severely dented. There was a mounted minigun on top with a person behind it who was shrouded in dark heavy armour. As it neared Hal it began to slow down and maneuver gently between the abandoned cars on the road. As Hal got a better look at them he cursed under his breath as the car suddenly stopped and the passengers began coming out.

"Enclave..." He whispered to himself distractedly. They began spreading out through the lines of cars and started to get closer to him.

"Now is not the time!" He thought as he silently crept towards the bushes behind him. He took another look at the soldiers on the road and began picking his way through the leaf-less branches and up the small hill. As he crawled up to the top he heard more strange noises closer to him. He stopped and held his breath, listening for more noise.

"Sir! Up there! The top of the hill!"

Hal cursed as he heard the troop shouting out and grabbed his guns, preparing to shoot, but suddenly something came crashing down just mere meters from him as they all started firing. Hal scrambled out of the bush and looked down at the bottom.

"What the...! Holy [censored], a mutant!" he shouted, unaware of volume. Not that it mattered.

It was utter chaos on the road. The eight foot tall mutant was running into the cars and desperately trying to smash the troops' heads whilst they fired wildly at it. The mutant finally got lucky and cracked one of the soldiers helmets open with a huge swing from his sledgehammer. Another of the troops ran over to try and help but was sent flying by another blow from the beasts hammer. The man on the mounted minigun was blasting away and desperately trying to kill it before it reached him in his disadvantaged position.
The mutant roared in pain as several bullets penetrated his hard skin and crippled one of its legs. The enclave had gained the upper hand as they stayed far from the monster as it tried to limp towards them and crush their skulls. It got lost in the blinding flashes of shots being fired from all around him and screamed in rage, then charged towards the main source of the attack. The car. The man on the turret yelled in horror as the mutant charged towards the rusted jeep.
It crashed into the jeep and flipped it over, crushing the soldier and destroying the roof of the vehicle in a horrible screeching sound as it skidded along the hard concrete. The troops began to fear for their lives and started to get further back from the beast, firing wildly in the hope of killing it.

Hal stared at this crazy image for a few moments then finally drew his guns and slid down the muddy hill. He ran on to the road and began firing accurate shots to the mutants head and chest. The enclave stopped for a small moment as Hal had began firing then starting firing at it once more. Disorientated, the huge beast slumped to its knees and grabbed its skull in agony. The troops stopped shooting as Hal closed in on it and shot it point blanc in the head. It finally collapsed to the ground and let out one final grunt as the blood oozed out of its head.

For a minute or two, they were all silent. Hal holstered his guns and bent down to examine the creatures bag. Two of the six remaining enclave soldiers checked around the area for any more enemies and checked the casualties. As the lone gunman pulled out a bag of what smelled like dead rats, another two troops walked towards him.

"Civilian! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He ignored them for a second as he continued searching the backpack. Then he looked up and stared at the soldiers blood covered helm.

"Just thought I'd help out, that's all.." He grinned, and went back to the bag.

The troops looked at each other and spoke quietly to each other. One of them nodded and walked over to the upturned jeep. The other one stayed and watched the man scavenge through the dead mutants bag. He reached further in and pulled out a stuffed teddy bear. He looked at it in silence, then stared into its eyes... In the corner of his eye the other trooper came back and began talking to his partner.

Hal blanked out, eyes focused on the stuffed toy. It had a label. He dragged his eyes to it and read 'Sally Jenkins'

"Sally..."

Images came flooding through his mind. A swing set. Pushing her high. Lifting her up high and spinning around. She used to love it. She used to love it.. She used to love it...

"Civilian!!"

The soldier with the laser rifle kicked him in the shin and knocked him out of his dream. He fell on his back and shouted. Hal jumped up and drew both his guns upon the steel man's head. Immediately the sound of several guns cocking was heard.

"Don't [censored] touch me," he snarled.

"Sir, drop the gun!"

He hesitated and looked around. Easily outnumbered. But not raiders this time. It definitely wasn't the time or the place for this. Slowly, he lowered his guns and placed them on the floor. A soldier came from behind him and bound his hands together with rope.

The man in front of him took of his helmet and revealed his sleek black hair and scarred face.

"We should kill you right here you little bastard. You should know better than to disrespect the Enclave."

Hal remained silent and stared into the man's dark eyes.

"But your help was appreciated none-the-less. You're coming with us to HQ. We could use a few more willing patriots fighting for this countries beliefs."

He winked at Hal and laughed, then put his helm back on and began walking up the road.

"Don't forget the radio Peterson!" the man shouted back.

'Peterson' picked up Hal's weapons then ran over to the broken jeep, reaching in and pulling out a chunky grey box then carrying on behind the troop leader. A rifle was shoved into Hal's back as he was thrust forward. He grunted and started walking slowly up the concrete road. He stared up at the sky and sighed.

"Sure is a nice night..." He said to the soldier on his right, who ignored him.

"Say, you wouldn't be able to tell me which direction we're going in would you?"

At first, the soldier remained quiet, then turned to him and spoke.

"East. Now shut the hell up and keep walking."

He smiled and looked back up at the night sky. It was going to be a long night.

Very good! I appreciated the improvements along the way as well as the story. Looking forward to reading more.

Thanks, will be writing more tonight.

The loud clanking of the heavy enclave armour was all there was to be heard in the quiet night. They had been walking for miles in the short space of an hour. Their metal bodies formed a tight group as they marched cautiously down the cracked concrete road. In the middle there was a man in a long dark coat, with his hands bound together by rope. For the last hour he had been thinking of ways to escape the imprisonment of the steel soldiers.

"Maybe if I grabbed one and used him as a shield... No... That wouldn't work at all.."

He sighed and looked to the soldier on his right. He hadn't heard a word from him or any of them since he had been taken prisoner.

"Hey, look how long is this gunna take? I have somewhere to be. And I don't want to be late," he said out loud to the group. The troopers ignored him and continued walking . Hal sighed as he looked around. He couldn't see very far, the only light was coming from the soldiers guns and the bright moon. It looked as though you would fall if you walked off the barely visible road edges.

"Wait, of course," he thought. "If I can cause some sort of distraction, I can make a break for it into the dark."

Hal stared around once more. The enclave troops looked tired as they wearily trudged along the concrete. Surely if he could break their ranks they wouldn't chase after him? After all he was only another wasteland walker, trying to get somewhere. Would they really go this far just to strengthen their army?

With a deep breath, he formulated a plan in his head. With another breath he closed his eyes and moved his hands in front of him.

"What the hell is that?!"

As he shouted, right on cue they all turned span around wildly looking for the entity. Hal took his chance and shoulderbarged the confused soldier on his right.

"What the..?! Hey! Get back here!"

Hal darted in between the cars as he desperatly tried to make it into the cover of darkness. The enclave began firing at him, missing him by inches, instead hitting the cars around him. With a leap, he jumped the small barrier, landed on the hard dirt and stumbled greatly. He fell to the ground and grunted in annoyance and pain. He tried to get back up but fell down, flat on his face again. Sensing the nearing enclave, he crawled along the mud and behind a pile of scrap metals. His breathing was fast and his hands were bleeding, but he didnt care. He turned to face the scrap, found a sharp edge and began cutting the bonds on his hands.

As the ropes fell to the ground, he rubbed his wrists feverishly. The enclave had lost track of him, but they were still searching. Peeking through a gap in the pile he spotted two troops searching in the dark and speaking to eachother. Hal rummaged through the scrap as silently as he could and pulled out a long, sharp piece. Running his fingers over the edges, he knew he had to take a chance. He looked through the hole again and watched as the soldiers neared his hiding place.

"Ok... Its now or nothing..."

He leapt out from behind the pile of metal and lunged forward towards his prey. The startled troops stepped backwards with their guns raised and began firing at their target. Hal reached one of them and stabbed him precisely in a gap in his neck. The man died instantly and fell to the ground with a loud thump. The other soldier was in shock and began firing faster at the man who had killed his comrade. Hal ran over to him, dodging his shots, and hit the gun out of his hand. The defenceless troop named 'Peterson' cowered in fear and fell to the ground.

"No mercy from me today, fresh out," he thought and impaled the makeshift blade through the mans neck. He dropped it and picked up the dead troops laser rifle. As he checked the ammunition, he heard the shouts of the remaining soldiers getting louder as they got closer to him.

"[censored]..." He groaned. There was hardly enough ammunition to take down one soldier, let alone four. He knew this wasnt his battle. He dropped the rifle and immediatly began searching through the bag that the man 'peterson' had been carrying. Inside he found his twin guns, a couple of stimpacks and a small radio. He took them and turned his back to the road, running up the small hill and into the dangerous 'wilderness'.

"This is a bad idea." He thought, and ran as fast as he could from his pursuers.

Continues to be good.

A nice seeking revenge story with some surprise twists on the way. Keep it up.

For anyone who is greatly concerned, This may have to wait till tommorow, I got band practice tonight. Wont have time to write.