Tell me what you think of this.

Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:36 am

this is something i had to write for another site. some people said it was good so i figured i could post it here. This is a brief biography of a ranger


Growing up in Junktown was never easy. It was hard enough for the other kids taking what they needed, but harder for Alex when he worked for what his meals.he would pick up odd jobs around town. His favorite of which was gaurding the brahmin herds from radsorpions. At first he kept track of how many radscorpions fell to his mighty .22 but eventually he stopped counting somewhere after 240.

Eventually he decided to enlist in the NCR. After his two weeks in basic he saw about a 3 months of action. In that time he had 92 confirmed legionary kills to his name and saves 26 NCR POWs from legion camps. It goes without saying that he was recruited to first recon. Through his campaign he began to feel a sort sympathy until the night of his first special operation. they were being air dropped deep into legion territory. their mission was assassination, their target was the Legate. But 20 minutes in something went wrong. Their was an intel leek the legion knew they were coming. suddenly everything went dark. when he woke up he was in a legion POW camp. he stayed there for nine months. One night he woke to the sounds of gunfire it was the NCR. The NCR had sent a squad of rangers to rescue him and his squad. When he got back to base that sense of sympathy he had for legion was long gone, it was replaced with a deep seeded hatred. His mind was made up, he was going to be a ranger.

He served proudly with the rangers for two years. when his tour was over hi confirmed kills were 262 legion and 54 BoS. He returned to Junktown tree years after he had left. Nothing had changed it was still a cesspool of drugs, thieving, and murder. he decided to clean the town up. he became the new sheriff and began to fix the town. after a year of serving with relatively no resistance from local gangs. People began to visit the town. one of the of which was a young lady name Cynthia. Alex was immediately taken by her. and in no time at all they were married with a child on the way. a year later Alex, Cynthia, and there son Joesph were guarding the towns brahmin, a pastime Alex hoped to share with his family. While Alex was dealing with some radscorpions he heard a scream. he rushed back a group of raiders had tried to rob Cynthia of her wedding band, but when she pulled a glock on them they gunned her down and Joseph was caught in the fire. when Alex got there the the raiders were searching the bodies of his family. The things he did to those men are unspeakable but when he was done. he dropped to his knees wheres his wife and one year old had fallen. The only thing he could think to do was cry.

One week later he walked into the Hubs NCR recruiting center ACR slung on his back. The recruiter recognized his immediately seeing as to how the recruiter was one the POWs Alex had saved. Alex looked exactely the same now as the day he saved the recruiter. No wait, Alex didnt look exactly the same he looked tired and he now gave of an intimidating crushing presence that would make a deathclaw cower. The recruiter wanted to thank him again and talk about old times. But all he could manage to say was "welcome back". Alex just nodded.
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Kathryn Medows
 
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Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 5:45 am

Some of it seems far fetched, such as BoS kills and air drops, but other than that I thought it was okay. Perhaps you could go into detail about him being a POW in a Legion camp, that would prove to be an interesting story if done right, I don't believe I see too many of those, or any at all.
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Trish
 
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Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:11 am

What Roughneck said. Also a one year old guarding brahmin? Come on. But also, needs detail! Grammer errors too. I can't post them right now.
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Quick draw II
 
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Post » Wed Dec 07, 2011 1:40 am

if you do write this fan-fic start over its good but it would be better if you expanded this part into 3 or 4 chapters and try to revel everything through the story
if not and you want to write from where you left off just expand it add detail not just a summary like this is ( i mean for where you pick up at)
it has potential if you just write more
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Jack Moves
 
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