?terta
Chapter 1: Midnight over Bravil

Prologue Part 1
Andre took the daggers out of his over-sized sleeves and set them on the table. He looked at the other man in front of him, wearing a large purple robe, the hood over his eyes, covering his face. Andre wore the same, but with the hood down. However, unlike Andre, the man had three red stripes on the sleeves of his robe, the sign of a veteran. The Offrad, they called them, the fourth level of Salvation. Andre nodded at the hooded man, who said, “Come in, brother.”

Andre immediately recognized the voice to belong to a Dunmer, but said nothing and moved on. He moved deeper into the cave, a cave deep in the recesses of the Jerall Mountains, a secret meeting place where they wouldn’t be bothered. Andre could feel the humid, cold air coming from deeper inside the cave. He took a left, and entered a huge room. The room was littered with stalagmites and stalactites, as well as thousands of people wearing purple robes, awaiting silently. Andre took his place between two others, and waited for the man in the huge gold throne above him to start. On either side of the man in the throne, were 5 Orcs. They each wore a black suit of steel armour, and huge pikes of steel and wood.

The man on the throne began to stir, and he sat up, then stood on his feet. Nobody talked as he opened his mouth, “Welcome, my Children.” The voice gave away an Altmer, who was tall, wearing a purple robe with 7 red stripes on the sleeves. Only one man had seven stripes, and that was him. The horde replied with the traditional reply, “A glorious day in the making, Father.” The Altmer held out his palm, and motioned downward, the signal for the group of thousands to sit. Silently, the group sat wherever they could, with people almost sitting on top of each other. His next words were so fluid, they came out like a magical river.

“As you all might have noticed, in recent events, that Mankor Cameron and his Mythic Dawn have fallen. This is because of that Hero. No worries, my children, he will not be of a bother.” The Altmer lowered his hood, revealing his face. You could tell by the voice, that he was aged, but his face looked perfectly young. His eyes were squinted, almost entrancing, and he had the slightest hint of a grin on his face.

“My name, is Umbadil, and I have created this place.” He held his hands up, “I have created what you are. I have created the Eternal Midnight. Unlike the Mythic Dawn, we will not be asking the Daedric Lords for our help. We do not need it.” Umbadil turned around, and grabbed a blue vial at the foot of his throne. He held it up, the blue liquid shining in the light the fires fed.

“We have this.” He swished the contents. “The cure.”

Andre looked left and right. Umbadil started again. “Now, you all know the plans, get ready and--”

Even though Andre knew the plans to attack Bravil, and run it over, he had no idea what ‘The Cure’ was. “Excuse me!” He cried, “The cure to what?” Umbadil’s black eyes locked on to Andre. He did not look very happy. All the sudden, Andre started to feel pain in right hip, he looked to see an arrow sticking out. One of the Orcish Guards had let an arrow loose, and it looks like the others were about to do the same. Andre watched as 7 arrows buried themselves in his own flesh, and Andre began to fall over. Before he passed, he heard Umbadil’s voice like a whisper, “The ?terta has begun…”

Well, nice to see a Fan Fic from you. So many new stories, so little time.

First off, as always, spelling and grammar. One mistakes there:

people -> purple
You said people in people robes...
A few mistakes in using commas instead of the requisite semi-colons, but those are minor and common errors. Also, if you have a list in which the last phrase begins with then (..., ..., then...) you need an and between then and the comma.

Now then, word choice and flow. Not the best I have seen, but it works nicely. One thing that struck me was that there were a few places you could leave out some of what you said. For example:


You could easily just say: The man on the throne sat up, then stood to his feet. No one moved as he addressed the crowd. Mostly it's word choice there, so that is a matter of personal style. Another example:



We all know the Altmer are tall, and even if they weren't that seems a trivial detail at the time. When doing an introduction, it's less about details and more about mystery. I would have said: The voice belonged to a (tall) Altmer clothed in purple robes, with the unique seven red stripes. Tall is optional there.

There are a few more sentences like that, especially in the leader's dialogue. If he is a cult leader, he won't be all friendly chit chat. One example:


"As you know, Mankor and his cult have fallen. The cause, the Hero of Cyrodiil (or Champion, but if you want to call him Hero, go ahead) Do not fear, my children, for he shall not stop us."

It simply seemed to me that he did not sound like the big important leader he is supposed to be.

Moving away from word choice, the plot seems to have exposed itself in part already. What you have given us is the antagonist group, I assume, and told us of their evil scheme. No specifics, which is good. Some of the best novels and movies start that way; we see the big bad guy talking to the other bad guys, then in the next chapter you introduce the protagonist. Assuming Andre died or is turning against them.

As far as Andre yelling out, I doubt anyone would actually do that. Really, he knows where he is, that would be a stupid thing to do at a football game, nonetheless a cult meeting. While the leader is talking. I suggest you have him whisper it to the guy next to him, and the leader hear him or some likewise infraction.

The number of cultists is staggering. Thousands of people? That is probably more than the whole of the Mages and Fighters guilds combined, how did a cult amass so many? I suggest thinning it down to about a hundred or two. Unless they are openly attacking Bravil, then they would need mass warriors, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

What I liked was how you introduced the robe rank system early, and told us they were in a cult. Then you introduce the leader, and hint how they are going to do it. The main idea is great, but, as I said, word choice and dialogue is a bit off. As are a few details. Other than that, you're golden; I like it

Good work so far and keep it up. Thanks for writing, and I look forward to reading and critiquing.

Thank you for the advice and criticism. I need to work on my wording and stuff, then. And about all the cultists, just wait and watch and everything will become clear.

Thank you for your review. It is greatly appreciated.

Prologue Part Two

Malincarth’s Journal, Umbadil’s Head Alchemist
'Potion 23512'
Day 1: Introduction of Bosmer Test Subject 23.
Day 2: Introduction of ‘Potion 23512’ to Test Subject.
Day 3: Test Subject 23 is lightly fatigued.
Day 5: Test Subject is subjected to loss of coloration, fever, vomiting, and severe headaches.
Day 7: Test Subject 23 dead.
Day 12: Test Subject 23 was found with a heartbeat. Almost no respiratory action.
Day 13: Test Subject 23 begins to split, a fetal head appears on his shoulder.
Day 14: Test Subject 23 is found with four other fetal heads, the Test Subject is unconscious.
Day 17: Separation of the Fetuses from the body continues, many more fetal bodies appear.
Day 24: 7 Fetuses have separated from Test Subject 23, all unconscious.
Day 30: 9 Fetuses, plus the Test Subject, are all considered to be healthy, and Fetuses are exact replicas of the Test Subject.
Day 31: Test Subjects 23-1 thru 23-10 are released, nothing is suspected. ‘The Cure’ has been found.

Awesome. Simply amazing work with that chapter. The mystery, the plot, all of it increased two fold. Kind of strange, but very good. I never saw it coming, keep it up.

Thank you very much. I thought this was the best way to answer many questions my Part 1 Held.

A very unique way of doing "Part Two". If you keep writing I'll keep reading.

Chapter 1: The Goblin King, and Three Heroes
15 years before the Oblivion Incident
Inside the Cave of Doom?

Leon Mestal followed closely behind his good friend, Dula gro-Lorzub, an Orc, decked out in Ebony armour, and a huge Glass Battleaxe. Behind Leon, was Almdros Dren, a Dunmer from Morrowind, quick of bow and blade. Leon himself was a Breton, wielding nothing but a dagger, and the deadliest spells in all of Tamriel.

They ventured deeper into the Cave of Doom, looking for the Goblin King. The Goblin King had ransacked cities for too long, and the Fighters' Guild had sent the trio to take care of him. They rounded a corner, and walked into a huge atrium, where the Goblin King sat on his Throne of Bones. He carried a huge spear in one hand, and a goblin staff in the other. He looked at the three heroes, and let out a war cry. Right when the trio were going to attack, the Goblin King opened his mouth, "Boy! What are you doin'! These fields ain't gonna rake themselves!"

Leon Mestal faded back into reality. They were at their small farm right outside of Skingrad. He, himself, was only 8, and the other two of his friends faded into reality as well.

"Watcha doin' way out there??" Leon's father called. Leon looked sympathetically at his two friends.

"Sorry guys, maybe we can play Goblin King tomorrow?"

"Of course!" Almdros said, and started to run toward the town. "See you guys later!"

Dula nodded, and followed Almdros to the city.

"Comin' Pa!" , yelled Leon.

Leon, Almdrose, and Dula had it all planned out. In 10 years, they would go and join the Warriors' Guild, where they would become heroes of their time, and Champions of Cyrodill.

Leon grabbed the rake at his feet, and started back at the fields. He worked fast, pretending that each little spec of dirt was a goblin, and he was pushing them around like the Master of the Universe. He liked being the Master of the Universe.

A few hours later, the fields have been raked, and he went inside.

"Leon, sweetie, I have to go into town, are you comin' with?" Leon's mom called.

"Can we stop by that Magic Shop?" Leon asked happily.

"You know I don't like you messin' with that stuff, Leon, we goin' to get food an' that's it." Leon looked down at his shoes. He was never going to be a master mage if he never practiced.

"Can I go atleast see Almdrose?" He asked.

His mother sighed. "Alright?"

"Yay!" Leon shouted, and flew out the door and ran at full speed toward Skingrad, where his friend awaited him. He reached the gates, and the Guard, who was familiar with the farmer family, let the boy and his trailing mother in. Leon ran up a steep road, took a left, went three houses down, and knocked on the door. There was a short pause, and then the door swung open, revealing a Middle-Aged Dunmer Woman.

"Ah! Hello there Leon, how are we today?" The lady said in a quiet, calm tone.

"Fine, we are going to put the corn in soon. I raked the fields all by my self." Leon said proudly. She responded, "Very nice! I love corn. Well, Almdrose is up in his room, you know where it is don't you?"

"Yes ma'am." He said, as he waved goodbye and bounded up the stairs. He took a left at the top, and went down a hall. The wall was littered of pictures with Almdrose's father, and pictures of weird cities. He took a left, and went into Almdrose's room.

"Hey, Leon, I was just reading." Almdrose said as he set down a book. "What are you doing here?"

"Aw, nothing. My mom is going to the market, so I came to see you. Hey, have you ever been to that Magic Shop?" He asked.

"Mhmm. It's really neat. My dad takes me there all the time, he is really good at Magic." Leon's eyes widened. "Do you think he could teach me?" He asked.

"Maybe." Almdrose said as he shrugged. "He is upstairs, wanna go ask?"

"Ok!" Leon said excitedly. He absolutely loved magic, and wanted to be a Magician really badly, and was ready to take an apprenticeship under any mage.

The two happily bounded up to Almdrose's father's room. They entered the room, and a tall, Dunmer was sitting at the desk, writing. "Hello, Father, my friend, Leon, wanted to know if you could teach him magic."

The tall Dunmer turned his head, and stood up. He had a lean face, and sharp characteristics. He had long, black hair that went down to his shoulders, and ears that pointed curiously. "So, you want to learn the Art of Magic, do you?"

Leon nodded his head. "You are a Breton, you are naturally gifted with Magic. Yes, I will teach you. But it must require a lot of your time, and much of your will. Are you willing to take these sacrifices, young Breton?"

Leon nodded, barely understanding what the Dunmer was saying. "Good, then meet me tomorrow behind the Temple, when the sun is highest in the sky."

Leon nodded, and they both exited the room. Leon said goodbyes to the family, and happily bounded towards home, where his mother probably was already. Oh no, Leon thought, how am I going to tell my family?

The Breton learned under the Dunmer. Even as the Breton aged, they Dunmer seemed not to. Playtime with his friends soon became sparring matches and contests of Archery. Leon was able to cast some harder spells, Almdrose was able to hit targets with a bow from 50 feet away, and Dula soon had the strength to pick up a horse. The three were best of friends, and their part in history would be remembered forever.