Several months ago, I started playing Oblivion with a High Elf character and after each playing session, I would write what I have done and where have I been as some kind of diary/story/blog. Unfortunately, a few days back my computer crashed and I lost the save, so I decided to post my little unfinished story here, for anyone who's interested.
Before you start reading, I would like to point out that english is not my native language, so errors are to be expected. Also, I was using a lot of F words in the original document, so I changed all of them into "T words". Expect to see lots of tuck and tuckers.
Happy reading!
Chapter 1
When looking through the available faces, I started wondering what will be the race of my character. I knew that I will be a male, but which race? I already had an Orc, Dark Elf, Imperial and Argonian, so I wanted something new. I decided to go with the High Elf, since I rarely play with them. I created my face at random (which looked like Keanu Reeves), and I put my grey hear in high style, just to further confirm the silliness of my character. When typing my name, I originally thought of calling myself "Dullard" as I wanted to play as a simpleton, but then I realized that that is not really a name, so I just added O at the end, which gave it a Spanish vibe, like Eduardo or Fernando.
After the initial chit-chat with the Jiub wannabe in the next cell, the royal escort finally arrived. We talk, we continue through the first few halls and finally, they leave me alone. As I'm searching through the dead corpses of the Red Dawn mages, I decide to build my character in a way that is not possible in Skyrim. So I knew that my favorite skills will be Athletics, Acrobatics, Hand to Hand and Mysticism. Basically, all the stuff that is not present in Skyrim just to spite Bethesda. I don't know what will my other skills. Maybe Security and Mercantile, but those skill level up anyway.
And so I started cruising through the good old starting dungeon, hitting every rat with my fists. How strange. A tall and arrogant High Elf running around in dirty rags and fighting bare fist like some kind of a savage. I wonder if his brothers and sisters in Summerset Isle would even recognize him! Well, imprisonment does these things to a man.
Although I've been in this dungeon so many times before, I still took my time in exploration. I was slowly opening chests, looting corpses and double-checking any loot I have missed. While traveling through these tunnels, I changed in more comfortable clothes. When I took my shirt off, I found out a shocking revelation. My face was yellowish, but the rest of my body was white. My face didn't match my body! Oh, I look hideous! But in the end, it didn't matter. I'm silly, remember?
While I was putting my new linen pants on, I decided not to wear any armor either. I mean why should I? Why should I pick Light or Heavy Armor just as many adventurers before me? Why can't I be a master of Medium Armor? Or even better, Unarmored? Oh, that's right, this isn't Morrowind! Here it's either black or white. Up or down. Push or pull. Well, I won't accept Bethesda's rules! I will be unarmored, again, just to spite them! Just then, another thought occured to me. What will I collect? With every character I collect something. Something silly and useless. My Argonian Spellsword collects skulls for example. My Imperial Rogue collects fancy clothes. Dullardo needed his collectables too. It could be anything, except gold and Ninroots, since I collect those items with every character. At first, I wanted to collect callipers, because they are common, light and everybody loves them! Even M'Aiq the Liar. But then I decided against it. I will see. I already picked a few apples along the way, so this could be a good collectable item. I always dreamed of filling my bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of apples, so I can throw myself in that mass and swim around, like those pools of colored balls that they have in kindergardens. But I'm afraid I would crash the game by doing so! I will see.
Pretty soon I was out of the stinky dungeon and Patrick Stewart began his tirade once again. What is my birtsign? Uh, geez, I don't know. So, after a little bit of thought, I decided to be a Lord. I mean why not? Yes, I'm aware that it's a rather weak birtsign, but I didn't care. Dullardo doesn't care. He just lives to fight another day.
Pretty soon, the Emperor died and his assassin went after me! I started punching him desperately, but he was just too strong! I realized I would die, right here, in the freaking tutorial. Fortunately, Balcus came out of nowhere and killed the bastard, saving my pathetic life. Very soon, he congratulated me and said that I would do a good Knight. Knight? Errr... no? So, I started searching for a class that has the aftermentioned skills. The best that described my needs was a Monk, so I said, tuck this [censored], let's be a Monk. Why not make a custom class? Because I'm too lazy. So, Balcus nodded and gave me the key to the sewers. Take the amulet to Jeoffre, he yelled after me, but I ignored him. Who cares about Jeoffre and the Emperor? This is about Dullardo exploring the Cyrodill!
But... just as I was about to exit the sewers, I started to have second thoughts about my birthsign. Indeed, why would I be a Lord? It gives me weakness to fire and as a High Elf, I'm already weak as hell. So I took a deep breath and changed my birthsing to the second most useless one I have seen in that moment.
So, there it was, a young High Elf male, by the name of Dullardo, a Monk born in the sign of the Ritual, standing at the threshold of his greatest adventure yet.
Chapter 2
As soon as I stepped outside of the sewers, I turned left and started running. Mudcrabs were everywhere and I punched each one of them to death, jumping around, swimming and diving for flawed pearls. Pretty soon, I stepped on the other side of the river and I came by a dangerous looking fort. It was Fort Caractarus. There, I was attacked by an mysterious opponent, who seemed to be invisible! How was this possible? I'm level one, I shouldn't meet such powerful foes! So I turned around and I ran. I ran like hell, toward my only salvation: the water. I know that some enemies can't follow you through the water, just like Nazguls in Lord of the Rings. It seems as I was right. I crossed the water and the combat music stopped. I was saved! Oh, the Nines have mercy on my poor soul!
I turned toward the fort and I shaked my fist to it. This isn't over, I yelled. You hear me? I will come back and explore you! I will, you stony bastard!
I continued toward the great Imperial City, but I haven't even made two steps, and already I was attacked by a dog! I have found Sinkhole Cave. I killed the elf lady and her dog, and I took her bow. I was a Monk, it was about time that I started using Marksman. At least that skill is better than the one in Morrowind. I also equipped my fists with fur gauntlets and my feet with boots, as I was starting to look really ridiculous. I guess I will have to wear some armor after all.
So, to make long story short, I explored the entire cave and in the end, I found this beautiful Robe of Deflection which gives me a constant 5 pts of Shield. How wonderful! Once outside, I went to the stables where I met this really pretty Breton chick. In a sad voice she explained that some horses went missing. I said to myself, aha, a new quest! But nothing happened. My journal didn't update. No quest, no nothing. It was just a stupid line of text. Grrr! I was really looking forward of helping that lady. Maybe she would reward me... intimately, if you catch my drift.
I continued my run toward the docks, where I met another beautiful lady, this time a Wood Elf. But she was wearing rags and she was barefoot. She is a beggar? How sad, I would like to have her in my house as a pet. Hehe, Dullardo is such a horny bastard. Well, imprisonment does these things to a man.
In the docks, I started looting the chest and suddenly I came across an hourglass. Awesome! I always wanted to collect these, but I never got the time to actually do it. Now would be a perfect time. But then... what will I do about my apples? I want my apple pool room, damn it!